I don’t want to

It was a battle scene straight out of Star Wars.  Screaming, squealing and clawing.  Hair-pulling, scratching and tears…

Alright, maybe it was more like a battle scene out of daytime tv.

“I hate you“, she screams.  Toys are flying.  More scratching and hair-pulling, as I become increasingly aware that intervention will be necessary.

With veteran battle skills, I peel them off of each other.  Still kicking and screaming they depart to separate spaces to sort out the mess.

Lectures, tears, prayers, and confessions were made and I was left with one lingering thought.

She said, “I know God wants me to love her, but I don’t want to.”

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Hours later, kids tucked into bed, the words are still playing in my mind.

They are familiar.  Words that I have mumbled.  Words that I have shouted with clenched fists.

I don’t want to, God.

I don’t want to love him.  I don’t want to do the right thing.  I don’t want to brush my hair.  I don’t even want to get out of bed.

I don’t want to cook a healthy dinner.  I don’t want to fold the laundry.  I don’t want to teach math.  I don’t want to grocery shop with 4 kids.

I don’t want to do this alone.

Just when I’m about to label myself as a hopeless loser bound to never be a “good Christian”, I remember that scene in the garden.

I think of my savior, on his knees before the Father, begging that the cup would be taken from Him.  He didn’t want to do it, either.

But he did.

I ponder His example.  Yes, He expressed His feelings before His Father, but he also surrendered His will.  And God provided…

An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. Luke 22:43

My heart is heavy when I think on this reality.  God DID NOT take the cup.  He didn’t calm the storm.  He didn’t take away the hurt.  Instead, He strengthened Jesus to be able to walk through it.

Graciously he reminds me that he is asking for my obedience.  He’s asking for total surrender.  He’s not asking me to feel like it.

I take comfort in this promise.  No, he’s not promising that he will take away my affliction, but that he will strengthen me for the fight.

The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.  Isaiah 58:11

Your turn~

Can you relate to not wanting to do something?  How do you motivate yourself or your kids toward obedience? How has God strengthened you?

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