the truth is they’re not fine

For so long I covered it up. I wanted to protect him.

I wanted to protect their hearts.

I couldn’t bear the thought of revealing the reality of the situation. Truth be told, I wanted to bury my head in the sand. I just couldn’t face any of it.  I couldn’t tell them that I lied about the business trips and that he was really down the street. I couldn’t tell them how much it really hurt.

People would tell me that they were too young to know the truth and in some ways that remains true.  But what changed it all for me and my kids was the pastor who was brave enough to say…the Bible commands that you tell the truth.  Stop hiding sin.  Stop making excuses.  Stop telling them that they will be fine. Start pointing them to God.

I don’t know if it was his words or the song that motivated me the most. But I knew I had to fight for them. I knew that something had to be done.

The truth is, there is a part of me that has never really gotten over the pain in my own heart. A part of me that never really knew the truth. The part that grew up believing that I had to be fine.  I had to make myself fine.

But I wasn’t fine.

The truth is … I was dying inside.  I was wandering from embrace to embrace desperate to be loved.

The truth is…when someone leaves you, it hurts.

God designed the family to be forever.  When a child dies, no one says to it’s mother- oh you’ll be fine.  This is normal.  NO! We grieve.  And while God can bring healing, the pain of losing that family member will NEVER be erased.

Yet somehow when a home is wrecked by divorce we throw out stupid lies like “everyone else is doing it” and “you wouldn’t want to live with unhappy parents” “you’ll still see him every other weekend”“It will be fine.”

But it won’t be fine.  The hurt presses deep into your soul and it never goes away on it’s own.

When a parent leaves, researchers show two responses: It’s my fault or Its God’s fault. Both will lead to a lifetime of baggage.  Junk that will transfer into more broken relationships and more broken children.

In a child’s mind, either they weren’t enough or God can not be trusted. After all, if the Word says, I HATE divorce (Malachi 2:16) and a child is told that divorce will be fine, what does that say about God?  Is His word always true or just those parts that work for us?  Is it ok with Him if we just obey when we feel like it?  These are the children that end up as teen pregnancy statistics and gang members. So broken.  So confused. Believing lies because the real truth was never told.

I grew up believing both of these lies.

Silence is not always golden.  The truth must be spoken. Chains must be broken.

 Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. John 8:32

Now there is a VERY FINE line that I want to make clear here.  I do not believe that there is EVER a situation where we are supposed to trash a person’s character or encourage our children to harbor ill thoughts toward anyone.  I think most people get that and this is why so many people my age are hurting. In the name of kindness, no one told me the truth. We just glossed over what really happened and never acknowledged the damage that the hurt had done.  But if you don’t acknowledge that hurt, it will never heal.

I have to help them heal.  When the questions come, I have to be ready.  I pray that God will prepare me for what they need to hear.

I avoid questions that don’t need to be answered. Sometimes the answer to the question is completely irrelevant to their spiritual growth and will not bring healing to their hearts.  These questions don’t get answered.  I just tell them that I will carry that answer for them until I think they are ready to hear it.  Details or specifics are the kinds of questions that get avoided.

When they ask a question, I open the bible and let them find the answer in print. This keeps them from being in a position of wondering who is right and who is wrong.  I refuse to argue a point with them that goes against what their loved ones claim to be true. I just let the Word speak for itself. I have complete faith that God’s word in their hearts will carry them farther than anything I could say.

When they point out a sinful behavior, I compare it to their own lives.  Honey, remember the other day when you refused to do the right thing after hurting your sister?  We are all sinners and in desperate need of a savior. And God has specifically commanded us NOT to judge others.  They do need to know right from wrong, but they do not need to go around telling others how they should behave.

We remember the most important commandment. Love the Lord your God and love others as you love yourself.  (Luke 10:27) We aren’t called to love those who love us well.  We aren’t called to love those who never break our hearts.  We aren’t called to love when we feel like it. We are simply called to love. It’s an unconditional, never ending, all encompassing command. The answer is always…just love.

Divorce is hated by God.  It bears great consequences for every single member of the family.  This is a truth that I needed to know.  A truth that all kids need to know. If I don’t tell my kids what the Bible says, they will never fully trust me and more importantly never fully trust God.  Hearts need healing.

Have you found that truth heals?  How have you struggled with truth?

“The Song”  Just Another Birthday by Casting Crowns…

 

 

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Comments

  1. Rhonda Lin says:

    I so admire your courageous faith!  I wish I had had a mother like you who wasn’t afraid of the TRUTH, it probably would have helped me avoid the trust issues that I face today.
     

    • It occurred to me after re-reading this post that it might imply that everything at our house is perfect because I follow these simple rules to help my kids.  Wrong.  Far from it.  It is my desire to help heal their hearts so that they will grow up to be children who rely on God for everything and on men for nothing.  But, of course, I make plenty of mistakes as we hammer out life in the “messy”.  I trust God to pick up the slack and know that He will bless my efforts to point them to the only thing in life that will ever satisfy! I believe that is what God asks of me.  :-)

  2. Thank you for being so vulnerable in this post. Your courage in posting this is going to help many moms and dads in the same situation. The truth allows us to be free. What a great example you’re setting for your kids.

    • Thank you for your encouragement.  I want desperately to help others.  This path is not one that people chose to walk down, but when you are faced with it…you either get up and walk or lie down in the dirt.  

  3. Very well said!  I would love to have your gift for writing!  I like that what you write helps me put sort out something I am feeling inside but can’t seem to get out in  words.  Thank you for posting this today.

  4. Jenny at A Mothers Heritage says:

    Hi Kim, I realized that I did not get your blog address at the TTD conference so I googled you and was so happy to find you!  You have a beautiful blog, Kim.  and I had no idea when we spoke of the pain and sorrow you have been through.  Hugs and I am so happy to be your new friend.  :)

    • Hey Jenny- Thanks for looking me up.  :-)  Us newbies.  We don’t even give out our blog address.  So silly. Thank you for your encouraging words. I don’t often give out the details, but I am so thrilled that when you met me you had no idea.  Sometimes I long to be that woman that sits across the table in the coffee shop talking about temper tantrums, time outs, or cloth diapers.  It’s true that my life has been full of some very tough stuff, but I am so thankful to our Lord.  He is faithful to work it all out for our good and He is already proving that.  It’s always nice to have a new friend.  I’m so glad we met.

  5. What you write is so true.  Grounding our children in God’s Word, continually pointing them to their Heavenly Father, who is ifallible, and reminding them to love without judging, and especially being an example of that will go a long way toward their healing.  Our God is BIGGER, even than the things he HATES.  Praise His name forever!

  6. LSherrard says:

    Wow Kim, I had no clue. I will be praying for you a lot. He that is in us is stronger than anything that comes our way. God has given you a gift and I am astounded that you have the strength to use it in such a difficult situation. I am sure he will use you in great ways. In the mean time keep praying and seeking his face.

  7. I’m divorced too and you’re right.  It hurts everyone involved.  I’m sorry you have had to go through this but you are right about going to the Healer for the help we need to survive!

  8. Thank you so much for sharing all of this.  I am walking through the VERY same thing right now.  We have five children and homeschool as well.  I would love to talk to you!!  Please email me at john_lovorn@hotmail.com, or find me on facebook.  My name is Sandy Lovorn and I live in Milan, TN. 

  9. Hi Kim. I just found you… so glad I did for several reasons. I have a question for you or anyone else. When you see your niece and nephew and you know Lthey are not fine” how do you help? The music video reminded me of my niece she is 12 … and my husband asked my nephew how he is and he says just fine…. but we know he is not. Their parents have been divorced for 6 years now…. Their Dad is not religious at all and their Mom is open to it but doesn’t want to force it. I just cry when I think of everything their Dad took from them. I wish I could tell them to seek their answers in the bible but I feel like they might wonder why I say it. How should I slowly maybe casually bring it up to them?

    • Kim Sorgius says:

      Divorce is so ugly and I wish I could type a solution to your question right here. Aside from it being illegal to divorce and our country holding people responsible for their children, sadly, our hands are tied in a lot of ways.

      But, we have hope. God is still sovereign even in this mess we have created. Most importantly, you can pray. Also, model a great marriage and parental relationship with your nieces and nephews, as much as possible. So much can be done with just a friendly hug. I imagine they are starved for attention, even if they won’t admit it. Invest in their lives. Take them places. Talk to them about school and things that they care about.

      I hope this helps! Praying for your family, friend.

  10. SO SO SO TRUE!! My mom still says about her and my dad’s divorce (it was 18 years ago), “Aren’t you glad though that you didn’t have to keep living through all the fighting? It all turned out good.” NO! The TRUTH is I think they should have fought for their marriage instead of giving up and walking away. They were married 12 years – almost always unhappily, but I never saw them try to have a good marriage. Sure, there were happy times – a few family vacations, a couple of cookouts with friends, but mostly, we did not have a happy home. I have a very solid marriage – a committed marriage. My husband came from a loving home with no divorce in at least two generations. Still, when we have a disagreement, I can’t help but be haunted by the idea of him deciding it’s not worth it to be married. Even my 8 year old is beginning to see how weird it is that her pops is on his 3rd wife. She knows it’s wrong, and yet can’t wrap her mind around it. Thank you so much for your openness. Prayers for your strength each day.

  11. Kim, I love your openness. While I am not divorced or even near that type of situation, I learn so much from you. I send everyone I know to your blog, happy marriage or not. You faith and commitment, honesty and integrity are amazing. We have many friends that are divorced, with many kids hurting. You help me to understand their situation. Thanks for your encouragement. Hang in there, I continue to pray daily for you in hopes that your marriage will be healed.

    Linda

  12. This is so true and that song…wow! I had never heard it or seen the video but even as an adult, my parent’s divorce still hurts. You are so courageous in what you are doing with your kids. I so admire the choices you are making. I know that you are in a circumstance that is not of your choosing but you are making choices within that that are honouring to God.
    Sharla recently posted…Of Tantrums and Tuck-insMy Profile

  13. Thank you for this post. It was so brave of you to share and it has been a strong encouragement to me right now. My sister is going through an ugly divorce and I have been told over and over again that it’s none of our business (me, my husband, my children) and it doesn’t affect us and that my niece and nephew are fine and are happier now because there is no conflict around them. This couldn’t be farther from the truth–it DOES affect our entire family, and they are NOT fine (and there IS still conflict all around them, but that’s another issue). Even though we stand against divorce, sometimes life is messy and it includes divorce–and we need to accept that there is consequences and damage from those choices and FACE them, not try to wish them away. The Lord can only offer healing if we’re willing to admit that we are broken. Thank you for sharing! My heart is still hurting for our family, your family, all families facing this–but at least I don’t feel like I’m crazy for hurting about it. :/

  14. Good morning, :)
    I agree with some and not so sure about a few comments so here’s my take from my perspectives in my life personally. Sooo… Here’s a twist for you all. I’m glad my mother and father divorced. There I said it. I have said it for years and years. Know why? I know for a fact I’m a better person for it, a better man because of it. I watched my father treat my mother without respect for years. Did he love her? I believe he probably did. Did he care about things she held dear? Did he care about her opinion? did he care what would have made her happy? …I did not appear so.. :( I don’t understand why people would want their children growing up seeing that, thinking that was ok. That’s normal. That’s how it’s supposed to be. Eventually marrying the same and then being treated the same. I believe you will be (in most cases not all) mirroring what they will become and live. I saw my mother unhappy for years. Treated badly. Yelled at. Her crying. Him not coming home for my birthday. Do I believe people should try to make it work? Try to see if the love is still there? Try to get counseling? See if they can get back to what they had before? Or in some cases get back what they “thought” they had? YES… Do I think just cause they were married they “all” should stay together? Absolutely NOT! I fear if my mother would have “stuck it out” or “tried to make it work” too much longer I would grow up to treat women the same way…Be what raised me. What I saw. I mean if she stayed with him it must be alright? Right?? but I don’t treat women that way. It makes my heart sad to think I could have grown up to have been “that” person… I thank God today that I am not. I thank God that I have the utmost respect, unconditional love, deep caring, and admiration for my mother and women. It makes me happy to see them happy. I feel, You are going to take on characteristics of the people you hang around with most, friends, family, etc…plain and simple. My step dad loves my mother unconditionally. He treats her wonderful and vice versus. That’s what I grew up seeing, feeling, knowing, loving. That is me today. I know in my heart I would not be the loving, caring man I am today if my mother and father would have stayed together much longer. Am I fine? Not at the time. Did I really want to be from a broken home? No. Am I a better person because of it? YES. Am I glad it happened? YES… Am I fine now? YES. More than fine. I’m better.

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