Somewhere between the purple slippers and the scarlet letter, I developed the life strategy of perfectionism. Although I could not articulate it at the time, I just knew that if I could get it all right, nothing else in my life would go wrong. I knew that If I was perfect…I would be enough.
And for over 10 years, I set out to prove this theory. Pre-marriage classes, Bible studies, leadership positions in our church, excellent parenting books and money saving strategies are just a few of the ways that I tried. If there was something to be improved upon, I bought a book and worked on it. I would listen to pastors, authors, my husband, and friends, as they offered up advice for how I could be a better person. I was determined to be the best wife, homemaker and homeschooler that I could possibly be. I found mentors and I copied them, adapting their views and behaviors into my life.
But all of this doing did nothing. I wasn’t enough.
The little perfect world that I had tried so hard to build came crashing into a concrete pole and the whole thing fell apart. My body lay frail on the stretcher as they closed the door on everything I had worked so hard for. When I regained consciousness, the darkness fell around me and the crushing reality of abandonment kept my heart from beating. While the suitcases wouldn’t leave our home until several months later, he was already gone. Greener pastures and promises of a better love captivated his heart and he set out for the far country.
The biggest lie I’ve ever believed in my life was about to come unraveled. Tears invaded every moment and space. I was left with the burning question, how could this happen to me, AGAIN? How on earth could I be so horrible? I had followed all of the steps. Dotted every i, crossed every t. But I wasn’t enough. The unread books in my night stand haunted me. I had meant to get to those sooner. What if I had? Could I have prevented this? What if I had been better? What if I had been thinner or spent more time learning better make-up techniques? And although at first he would tell me that it wasn’t about me, my heart would not believe it.
My plans are shattered, so are the desires of my heart. Job 17:11
I felt comfort in the words of Job. He seemed to relate to my depravity. I found my self in hospital bed after hospital bed… dehydrated, broken, and crying out through the pain. I begged God for a miscarriage. Yes, I ashamedly begged God. How could I bring a baby into this mess? I’d been here before, and trust me…I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy, let alone this precious child. We were walking head-on into traffic and the destruction would be ugly.
But this time was different. Rather than blaming God, I clung to Him. Instead of running into the world’s answer, I ran into His arms and there I found something I never knew.
It was here in the bottom of the deepest valley, that I met Jesus. I know I told you that I had known Him since I was a little girl. But I didn’t KNOW him. I knew OF Him.
And KNOWING Him, changed it all.
Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. John 14:6
Jesus is the truth. The truth that I had never known. The truth about me. The truth about Him. You see, all of that doing and striving toward perfection was never going to work. I could never do enough or be perfect enough to BE ENOUGH.
Because I’ve ALWAYS been enough. Maybe not enough for a certain person, but I am more than enough to the only one who matters. And the secret to being enough lies in knowing that He is enough for me. No one else can ever fill that empty place and I just about died trying.
It was here that I realized that if I am living for God, then the pain of this world is purposeful. Not easy, but purposeful. For He already has a plan that works for my good (Rom 8:28). He has already hired the building crew and has already set 1000 things in motion to rebuild the ruins. Wrapped in promise, I daily meet the sunrise as I wait for the construction to become evident.
Then the nations that are left all around you shall know that I am the Lord; I have rebuilt the ruined places and replanted that which was desolate. I am the Lord; I have spoken, and I will do it. Ez 36:36
Kim Sorgius
Kim is just a girl, crazy in love with Jesus. She's a single mother of 4, a passionate homeschooler and life-long student. After teaching 8 years in public school, she traded her M.A. in Early Childhood for sippy cups and homeschool co-ops. Kim is the owner and editor of The Homeschool Village and Not Consumed where she encourages others to rest victoriously in the hands of God, rather than allowing life's difficult circumstances to consume.
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Powerful, and relatable words! You have a gift with your words!!!
Thank you Michele. I hate knowing that you can relate to some of my words, but find joy in knowing that you can relate to knowing God.
Oh my Kim, how well you and the Lord know my heart and mind….Thank you to a very beautiful Lady that I am sure God intentionally placed in my life !!
Sometime I have to tell you more about that… God does amazing things.
This has me in tears. Absolutely beautiful. I think the lie of “not being enough” is one of Satan’s most powerful, destructive lies. I find myself DAILY dying to that old self that wants to believe that for some reason.
Yes Julie, it is a daily process.
God bless you – thank you! I have been where you have traveled, except have teenage sons. It is so easy to be misled by the lies of Satan! Thank you for sharing from your heart.
Hi Brenda, Thanks for stopping by today. I’m so glad you were encouraged.
I can totally relate to the knowing of Jesus, than later truly KNOWING Jesus. What a moving post!
Ugh. Perfectionism. I like to call myself a recovering perfectionist
I’ve actually been studying the work perfect in the Bible this year.
Hmm…while I’m sure I need to hear what a study like that would yield…I’m not so sure I want to. :-)
This was most excellent sharing Kim! I love getting to know you a little better! I’m excited to meet you in person in July girl!
Stay strong in Him… keep living each day “on purpose”. ~ Blessings, Amy
Wow…I am almost speechless after reading your “life”…and that is saying something :0). I look forward to reading more of how God is working in your life.
So funny…I agree. It’s not often that I am left speechless. :-) So glad you stopped by!
Hi Kim! Perfectionism has been haunting me my whole life (and I didn’t even know it!) I’ve been walking the road of healing and am touched by your words. Perfectionism, control, and anger have been my fall-backs – instead of dealing with the emotions in front of me!
I think perfectionism is like that. It’s not only hard to see, but it is almost encouraged by society. So glad you found encouragement, friend!
I too just about died trying to numb the pain and figure out why me.I have recently been put into the same situation.I tried so hard to change,to forgive.To be what I thought he wanted me to be.My self esteem is crushed.I havent gotten quite as low this time.The daily srtuggle to feel worthy is exhausting.I have prayed for a light in my heart to shine.I realized it’s not the man in my life I need to change for.It’s myself and desire to live “right” I need to change for.I desperately need strentgh for this battle.
Thanks for sharing, Tracey. Praying for you!
Hi, Kim!
I just saw you mention your blog on Facebook. (a response to RefineUs Marriage Minstry) I have bookmarked your blog and will add it to my daily reading. I am not sure of your entire story but I think we may be in the same boat in a lot of areas. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Karla
Hi Karla,
So glad that you stopped by! This post is pretty much as detailed of a “story” as I have released publicly. Haha. I’d love to connect with you. Feel free to connect with me on Facebook. We can message there.
Wow, I have read almost your entire blog and now i do not even remember how i got here. Oh, it was a pinterest post about making memories with your kids. thanks for your vulnerability, I am sure you help a lot of other people. I pray your faith will stay strong.
I sit here weeping as I read your story. It’s my story in so many ways with a few twists. I weep tears of sadness and joy being able to relate to some of the hurt you must feel but seeing the joy of the restoration work only God can do. I see it happening in my life and I am so thankful to HIm. Thank you for sharing your story to give hope to me. God bless
Thank you. That was beautiful! We have to let go and let God
THis came at the perfect time when I am realizing that I am and have nothing without God! Thank you kind soul for pouring out your heart, that others can have hope.
Wow…so powerful. I really appreciate you being willing to share the raw reality of your journey…
I too have a similar story. I actually had two very broken relationships (I didn’t even get married!) before meeting my husband…so there I was, a single Mom of two, when I met my current husband at our church….God has taught me many truths through all the trials…and number one is that it’s not enough to look to ANY man to be our security. I guess some of us learn this the hard way unfortunately.
Please keep sharing your heart! I know that the Lord will continue to use you to minister hope & encouragement to other women.
Lastly one of the scriptures I clung to for many years was in Isaiah 54. That the Lord is my husband and He would take care of me…
Blessings to you and your family,
Rach D
Rach D recently posted…The High Calling of Motherhood
Thanks so much for the reminder that even when we try to be perfect, it isn’t enough for the things of this world. And that Jesus loves us in our brokenness. Also, your writing is just beautiful!
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