I killed it. After just 8 days under my roof, its leaves wilted as though it had weathered a hurricane.
My Bible sat open before it, but my heart was unable to look past the ruin.
I gave into the lies:
“You are a worthless homemaker. You can’t even keep a plant alive for more than a week. You kill everything you in touch. In fact, you even kill relationships. No one likes you. Everyone runs from you because you are toxic. They know if they get near you, they will perish. Surely it’s your fault. You could have been better. Done something better. Tried a little harder. You just weren’t enough.”
I bathed myself in the self pity of it all and the tears fell. An event that might have led a typical person to blame the vendor who sold the cilantro, led me in a downward spiral of self-pity. I’d like to tell you that I got a grip after a few moments, but I didn’t. Instead, I spent my entire study time wallowing there, reminding myself of all the brokenness that deemed me unworthy.
I continued to insult Him as I spewed hateful words at myself, knowing how much it grieves Him to hear me speak these words. No longer was it about the problem, but about the fact that I couldn’t stop believing the lies. So I battered myself further.
The weight of the world began to consume. News from hours before taunted me and fear crept in.
Just hours before, I found myself surrounded by beautiful and talented women called to serve God in the ministry and I simply allowed my inadequacies to overwhelm me with thoughts: God, why am I here? How could I possibly be enough to serve you like this?
It was in the memory of that moment that I began listening to the voice that had spoken to me over and over again this weekend: My child, I’m not asking for your perfection, I’m asking you to let Me perfect you.
Maybe it wasn’t so much about cilantro, but rather a calling. A calling to stop making excuses like Moses and Jonah and to start walking in obedience. A calling to live past the death, the brokenness, and the inadequacies. A calling to stop fixing my eyes on the lies, and firmly gaze into His eyes, allowing Him to shine through every broken place.
Oh, friend, it’s so easy to wallow in the filth of dead cilantro, a dead marriage, or a broken heart. Keeping this focus, demands that it’s all about me. Failures reveal my inadequacies. Yes, it’s true. BUT GOD…doesn’t work until that revealing is done. When I become nothing…HE becomes everything.
But you are a shield around my, O Lord, you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. Psalm 3:3
Big news: Wednesday marks 6 months since we have journeyed together here on this screen. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Thank you for seeing past my inadequacies and clinging to Jesus. I pray that you will join me on Wednesday as I celebrate His graciousness and honor you will a day full of giveaways.
Linking up with Better Mom, Raising Arrows and Time Warp Wife.
Kim Sorgius
Kim is just a girl, crazy in love with Jesus. She's a single mother of 4, a passionate homeschooler and life-long student. After teaching 8 years in public school, she traded her M.A. in Early Childhood for sippy cups and homeschool co-ops. Kim is the owner and editor of The Homeschool Village and Not Consumed where she encourages others to rest victoriously in the hands of God, rather than allowing life's difficult circumstances to consume.
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Kim, I enjoy your articles and you sharing your heart. The enemy is always on his job coming after us. It reminds me of Joyce Meyer’s book, “The Battlefield of the Mind”. We must speak back to the enemy of our souls and not allow his venom to consume us. I pray for you and the healing of your family. May God continue to bless and show Himself strong in your life.
Yes, I love that book. It has been so helpful for me!
I just started following your blog a few weeks ago and I can tell you…YOU ARE A BLESSING to me and many others. I appreciate your insight and sharing your thoughts.
Thank you for reading, Karla. I love hearing that God has encouraged you through my words!
What beautiful transparency. Thank you for sharing
Thanks for sharing this! Feeling like we are inadequate is such an easy thing to do, but you are right that in our weakness we can feel God’s strength. Definitely something I could stand improving on.
Great post – it’s always important to be reminded to look to Him and move away from earthly temptations and evil thoughts quickly. Thanks for the reminder today!
Marissa
If it cannot bark, cry or ask for food, it cannot live in this home. Sad, but true!
I killed a lovely cilantro plant in LESS than a week!
Haha! Excellent. I woke up this morning to dead basil and that is exactly what I thought. If only the plants could yell at me or cry or demand water!
Been reading and being inspired and blessed by your willingness to be so transparent in your struggles and journey with God! Thank you for being such an encouragement with your brave and beautiful words and stories!
I’m so glad God brought you through this low time and showed you something beautiful! I’m glad He was there and I wasn’t. His words are much more powerful, life changing, and healing than mine. Obviously!
However, this is what I would have told you if I were sitting across from you that day. Before I even read this post, I saw the picture of the cilantro and the title and wanted to shout… “Wait! It’s not because of you! You’re not a failure!!!” I know this sounds silly, but I think I know why this plant probably died. It’s called going to seed. If the plant is allowed to flower in the store, it will produce seeds, and then begin dying soon after. Many times the flowers are just clipped and the plant is sold anyway, because the leaves look the same whether the flowers have been trimmed or not. So when buying it, unless you ask the grower, I think there’s really no way to know if it has gone to seed yet or not. It’s just a natural part of the plant cycle. It was probably going to die in a few days whether it sat in a store or in your home. But Oh, how God brought immeasurable beauty from it this way in your home!
Yes, God loves to use these things to speak into my heart! And in my “sane” mind, I knew that it probably wasn’t my fault. I will admit though that I also killed the basil plant a few weeks later. The truth is- God didn’t bless me with a green thumb. BUT, He did bless me with a lot of other things and I chose to be content with the strengths that He gave me.
Thanks for sharing your sweet words and for stopping by!