I killed it. After just 8 days under my roof, its leaves wilted as though it had weathered a hurricane.
My Bible sat open before it, but my heart was unable to look past the ruin.
I gave into the lies:
“You are a worthless homemaker. You can’t even keep a plant alive for more than a week. You kill everything you in touch. In fact, you even kill relationships. No one likes you. Everyone runs from you because you are toxic. They know if they get near you, they will perish. Surely it’s your fault. You could have been better. Done something better. Tried a little harder. You just weren’t enough.”
I bathed myself in the self pity of it all and the tears fell. An event that might have led a typical person to blame the vendor who sold the cilantro, led me in a downward spiral of self-pity. I’d like to tell you that I got a grip after a few moments, but I didn’t. Instead, I spent my entire study time wallowing there, reminding myself of all the brokenness that deemed me unworthy.
I continued to insult Him as I spewed hateful words at myself, knowing how much it grieves Him to hear me speak these words. No longer was it about the problem, but about the fact that I couldn’t stop believing the lies. So I battered myself further.
The weight of the world began to consume. News from hours before taunted me and fear crept in.
Just hours before, I found myself surrounded by beautiful and talented women called to serve God in the ministry and I simply allowed my inadequacies to overwhelm me with thoughts: God, why am I here? How could I possibly be enough to serve you like this?
It was in the memory of that moment that I began listening to the voice that had spoken to me over and over again this weekend: My child, I’m not asking for your perfection, I’m asking you to let Me perfect you.
Maybe it wasn’t so much about cilantro, but rather a calling. A calling to stop making excuses like Moses and Jonah and to start walking in obedience. A calling to live past the death, the brokenness, and the inadequacies. A calling to stop fixing my eyes on the lies, and firmly gaze into His eyes, allowing Him to shine through every broken place.
Oh, friend, it’s so easy to wallow in the filth of dead cilantro, a dead marriage, or a broken heart. Keeping this focus, demands that it’s all about me. Failures reveal my inadequacies. Yes, it’s true. BUT GOD…doesn’t work until that revealing is done. When I become nothing…HE becomes everything.
But you are a shield around my, O Lord, you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. Psalm 3:3
Big news: Wednesday marks 6 months since we have journeyed together here on this screen. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Thank you for seeing past my inadequacies and clinging to Jesus. I pray that you will join me on Wednesday as I celebrate His graciousness and honor you will a day full of giveaways.
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