He had abandoned their marriage for greener grasses, with a claim that he no longer loved her. The same claim that shattered my own heart and that of so many others. The pain pressed deep.
“I don’t love you anymore.”
Thrown around so casually, in complete denial of all that was good in his marriage. Drowning out the birth of their son, the thrill of their first home, and the hundreds of beautiful memories. The words were loud and clear, but the claim was one big fat lie. Watch…
If you can’t see the video…click here.
Friend, don’t keep reading until you’ve watched that video, I mean it. If you are thinking about giving up on your spouse, you CAN’T ignore this. (Plus I’m going to spoil the ending.)
The truth is… “I don’t love you anymore” is a lie. What they really mean is “I DECIDED to stop loving you.” What they really mean is…someone else has distracted me enough that I can’t remember why I love you.
Adultery is a trap. It’s a sin that fades from a little flirt to a broken home in just a matter of moments. The draw of temptation renders words meaningless. Threats pointless and promises empty. The pit grows so deep that the lies can not be discerned from the truth. He can not remember why.
But someday he will remember. A place, a song or a smell will remind him of the promise and suddenly the other person is no longer that long-lost soul mate, but an ugly reminder of the destruction of his choice.
One day, he will remember. The question isn’t when or if. The question is will you wait? Are you willing to exchange your own agenda for the sacrificial love of Christ? Most have it all wrong. It doesn’t take two. It takes one. One praying spouse in love with one all-powerful God. And everything changes.
If you would like to know more about fighting for your marriage or would like encouragement for the stand, please join our Facebook group, Intentionally Standing.
{This post is linked up with Raising Homemakers, Deep Roots at Home, New Life Steward, Women Living Well, and We are THAT family}
Kim Sorgius
Kim is just a girl, crazy in love with Jesus. She's a single mother of 4, a passionate homeschooler and life-long student. After teaching 8 years in public school, she traded her M.A. in Early Childhood for sippy cups and homeschool co-ops. Kim is the owner and editor of The Homeschool Village and Not Consumed where she encourages others to rest victoriously in the hands of God, rather than allowing life's difficult circumstances to consume.
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Yes, as someone who has lived the pain of a spouses adulterous betrayal, I can tell you that the consequences are devastating…and that the statement “I just don’t love you anymore,” is a complete lie…a flimsy excuse for irrespnosible behavior.
In fact, the statement is a complete oxymoron. True love is a commitment, not an emotion. The marriage is founded on sacred vows, not fluctuating feelings.
Say you never loved me and you may speak the truth. Don’t say you don’t love me anymore, because there is no such thing. To say that reduces the meaning of the word, “love.”
Love that does not endure…that chooses to trample sacred vows and act in opposition to the other person’s good…that is not love…it is something much less than love.
Wow, amazing and annointed post! Hugs, tears, and blessings to you.
This is my mother-in-law. My husbands father left when their children were 11 and 13. He remarried not long after, she has not. I don’t recall if he’d met his 2nd after leaving, I think so. But that is what he said to her, and what he told his son who asked “why” before we got married. The second marriage has been quite rocky at times, causing Stepmother has made multiple ultimatums over their 15 years. They each had two children from first marriages and had just pets together. All his familial relationships seem tense. My sister-in-law does not speak to her mother (or her side of the family) but does speak to her father (and his side).i usually don’t know how to converse with my mother-in-law, but when I really think about her, I see how painful it must be.
This too happened to me… But I ended it with divorce…. I was in a 16 year relationship….. A relationship that involved my husband cheating on me more times than I was aware with more women than I realize…. He would leave and then come back in a few days, weeks, or months. I carried all the burden, financial and taking care of our 3 children. He had 2 children with other women while we were together, which I cared and loved for them as I did my own. At times, things were so bad that I ended up twice in the mental wing of the hospital for a few days. I prayed and held on for 16 years and then one day, he said it… “I don’t love you, I never loved you, and I don’t want to be with you” and walked out the door. Even after all that he had done, I still loved him and I was totally devastated. My children and I both were. And I prayed and prayed and prayed…….. And I couldn’t figure out why God wasn’t answering me or fixing this…. But one day, I came across something, it said… ” I couldn’t figure out why God didn’t answer me and then I realized that he had answered me but not in the way I wanted or expected….. I realized that God did not want me to be with someone who treated me in such a way; in a way that I was never going to be loved, honored, and cherished the way that my Lord and Savior did and wanted me to be.” That’s when I came to terms with everything and ultimately filed for divorce. Now for the last several years, I have been (with God’s love, strength and wisdom) picking up the pieces, starting new, and healing the very deep emotional scars that my children and I developed over those years… and also with my two stepdaughters that were born while we were together. I still hope and pray for my ex-husband, but as of yet, he is still living a very lost life…. So, yes you are correct… It’s always a choice, but sadly there are people who die everyday without living for God, without doing the right and responsible things, and without salvation…..
I have been standing 1 yr and 4 mo and am getting so tired and discouraged. I am not seeing any progress and he does not even mention the situation with us at all. I refuse to do anything but fight and pray
I have been standing for 4 months now. Though my wife is still living with me it is extremely painful when she goes to see her boyfriend. What gets me through each day is a lot of Bible study, numerous daily devotions and a lot of prayer. My prayers have changed from focusing solely on marriage restoration to now I pray for me to be a better husband, for the Lord to guide and protect my wife from the evil one, and yes, healing for her boyfriend and that he be given the wisdom to repent of his sin and walk in the path of Light. I have also identified numerous Churches holding evening services which I attend during the more difficult times. Twice I have received signs that things will work out, the first was when I saw clouds in the shape of a cross (this just blew me away since it was very distinct and clear); the second was when my wife joined me for an altar call – the Pastor, knowing our situation, anointed and prayed over us. I know the road ahead is still very long and there will continue to be good and bad days but, keep on praying, trust in the Lord, and He will deliver peace and a future according to His plan.
I had a 6 week old baby, our first, when my guy walked out. Two years later we renewed our vows. It took years of Christian counseling, and a great deal of humility from both of us, and a commitment to forgive, everytime my heart hurt, but our marriage now 16 years later is wonderful.
After 3 years, I “woke up” and went home. I am totally astounded and humbled that she stayed, prayed, and loved me the entire time. I will spend the rest of my life devoted to God and to her.
I appreciate your transparency in sharing that Mark!
If there is one thing I pound into the heads of my counseling clients, it’s that love is a choice. One of the first exercise I try to have couples do is write out their love story and write the things that first attracted them to their spouse and the reasons they said “yes” to marriage. Then I encourage them to refer back to these documents when they don’t “feel” that love anymore. To remember and then choose love again.
Oh and thanks for linking up with WIP!
Kim,
I am weeping and so, so thankful for your wonderful post. may it bless and strengthen many, many women to go the distance with love and grace. I would like to feature it on ‘EOA’ WEdnesday tomorrow! also, I would like permission to use the video on my own blog with new text in 3-4 months! Everyone should see this, no matter the state of their marriage! Bless you, my friend!
Hi Jacqueline, You are welcome to feature my post. Thank you for offering. The video itself is on youtube and isn’t mine, but I am sure that you are free to use it (just be sure you take the link straight from there so that the author gets the credit and not me!) I’ve read this story many times and was captivated when I saw that they made it into a video. When you read the credits, it looks like the guy who created the video is actually the guy who lived this reality!
This story has always made me cry. Sad and sweet at the same time.
I would love it if you would link it up with me at Matrimonial Monday.
http://aproverbs31wife.com/matrimonial-monday-link-up-and-giveaway/
I’m sorry to be one of the few that disagree.
I was with my husband 19 years. We have two children. After years of being disconnected and pain I begged him to go to therapy. I begged him to do dinners alone together to reconnect. I begged him to talk. He said “he was happy with how thi he were and didn’t need that”. When you are a couple and connected you are happy together and take on difficult moments together. He was put me down. He lived his life with his friends, his sports, his family. He was the priority in his life. Resentment and hurt filled me. Depression and hurt filled me. I stopped loving. I didnt love him anymore. He was not the same man. It was true that I didn’t live him anymore. I hated his touch. I dreamt he was chiming the life out of me. I wanted to leave. I didnt want to hurt my children and stayed. The pain and hate I had for myself for not loving him (a truth) broke me. I had an huge to hurt myself. I got help. I left. I watched my children florish when they saw two parents that finally talked….as friends. We bought a small home where the kids live full time. We alternate living there on a regular schedule. We attend their events together. It is 4 years now. He has. Partner that LOVES him. Because, I didnt love him anymore. It is a truth. He changed. He is happier and less selfish. He is with her when he is not with our children 50% of the time. You can control your actions but love is something that when left un-nurtured, hurt or torn can die. It is not a lie. There was no cheating here just disrespect. The end result, I’m not hurting myself, I’m not on medication, my xhusband is loved and treating her better becaus did it, we are good parents and our children stayed on high-honor roll, a happy road of life and say that now (although they never saw fighting or cruelty) say it feels good to see their parents happy. When u take ur vows it doesn’t me “U MUST LOVE ME NO MATTER WHAT”. Life is long, hard, it changes and we are human. I read some of you “standing” And I feel so sad for you. I will never demand love. It is given of free will and it is of it’s own nature. I have too much pride within myself and I want my daughter to see that you get what you allow. Sad.