because “I don’t love you anymore” is a lie

Months ago I read the story. I wept with her as she lived a pain so close to my own. I wavered between wanting to reach through the pages and hug her or reaching through just to shake him silly. Every word of their story burned. Then it ended…not at all how I would have imagined. My tears were uncontrollable at the thought of it all.

He had abandoned their marriage for greener grasses, with a claim that he no longer loved her. The same claim that shattered my own heart and that of so many others. The pain pressed deep.

“I don’t love you anymore.”

Thrown around so casually, in complete denial of all that was good  in his marriage. Drowning out the birth of their son, the thrill of their first home, and the hundreds of beautiful memories. The words were loud and clear, but the claim was one big fat lie. Watch…

If you can’t see the video…click here.

Friend, don’t keep reading until you’ve watched that video, I mean it. If you are thinking about giving up on your spouse, you CAN’T ignore this. (Plus I’m going to spoil the ending.)

The truth is… “I don’t love you anymore” is a lie. What they really mean is “I DECIDED to stop loving you.” What they really mean is…someone else has distracted me enough that I can’t remember why I love you.

Adultery is a trap. It’s a sin that fades from a little flirt to a broken home in just a matter of moments. The draw of temptation renders words meaningless. Threats pointless and promises empty. The pit grows so deep that the lies can not be discerned from the truth. He can not remember why.

I know that you have landed on this post because those shattering words were spat in your face. Oh friend, how I hurt for you.

Maybe someday he or she will remember. A place, a song or a smell will remind him of the promise and suddenly the other person is no longer that long-lost soul mate, but an ugly reminder of the destruction of his choice. If you would like to know more about fighting for your marriage or would like encouragement for the stand, please join the Facebook group, Intentionally Standing.

I imagine, though, that you came here with a bigger question—-> what will you do with the brokenness? How do you heal from such words?

I pray that you will visit my page, He/She left where I have compiled my favorite resources for you.

Do you have children? Learn how I helped my children here—> Not a Statistic: Parenting in a Broken World
Not a Statistic offers HOPE and practical help for the parents of children walking through hard times: divorce, abandonment, death, deployment, adoption, chronic illness, etc.

Comments

  1. Rebekah says

    This is my mother-in-law. My husbands father left when their children were 11 and 13. He remarried not long after, she has not. I don’t recall if he’d met his 2nd after leaving, I think so. But that is what he said to her, and what he told his son who asked “why” before we got married. The second marriage has been quite rocky at times, causing Stepmother has made multiple ultimatums over their 15 years. They each had two children from first marriages and had just pets together. All his familial relationships seem tense. My sister-in-law does not speak to her mother (or her side of the family) but does speak to her father (and his side).i usually don’t know how to converse with my mother-in-law, but when I really think about her, I see how painful it must be.

  2. Shawna says

    This too happened to me… But I ended it with divorce…. I was in a 16 year relationship….. A relationship that involved my husband cheating on me more times than I was aware with more women than I realize…. He would leave and then come back in a few days, weeks, or months. I carried all the burden, financial and taking care of our 3 children. He had 2 children with other women while we were together, which I cared and loved for them as I did my own. At times, things were so bad that I ended up twice in the mental wing of the hospital for a few days. I prayed and held on for 16 years and then one day, he said it… “I don’t love you, I never loved you, and I don’t want to be with you” and walked out the door. Even after all that he had done, I still loved him and I was totally devastated. My children and I both were. And I prayed and prayed and prayed…….. And I couldn’t figure out why God wasn’t answering me or fixing this…. But one day, I came across something, it said… ” I couldn’t figure out why God didn’t answer me and then I realized that he had answered me but not in the way I wanted or expected….. I realized that God did not want me to be with someone who treated me in such a way; in a way that I was never going to be loved, honored, and cherished the way that my Lord and Savior did and wanted me to be.” That’s when I came to terms with everything and ultimately filed for divorce. Now for the last several years, I have been (with God’s love, strength and wisdom) picking up the pieces, starting new, and healing the very deep emotional scars that my children and I developed over those years… and also with my two stepdaughters that were born while we were together. I still hope and pray for my ex-husband, but as of yet, he is still living a very lost life…. So, yes you are correct… It’s always a choice, but sadly there are people who die everyday without living for God, without doing the right and responsible things, and without salvation…..

  3. Sarah says

    I have been standing 1 yr and 4 mo and am getting so tired and discouraged. I am not seeing any progress and he does not even mention the situation with us at all. I refuse to do anything but fight and pray

    • Charlie says

      I have been standing for 4 months now. Though my wife is still living with me it is extremely painful when she goes to see her boyfriend. What gets me through each day is a lot of Bible study, numerous daily devotions and a lot of prayer. My prayers have changed from focusing solely on marriage restoration to now I pray for me to be a better husband, for the Lord to guide and protect my wife from the evil one, and yes, healing for her boyfriend and that he be given the wisdom to repent of his sin and walk in the path of Light. I have also identified numerous Churches holding evening services which I attend during the more difficult times. Twice I have received signs that things will work out, the first was when I saw clouds in the shape of a cross (this just blew me away since it was very distinct and clear); the second was when my wife joined me for an altar call – the Pastor, knowing our situation, anointed and prayed over us. I know the road ahead is still very long and there will continue to be good and bad days but, keep on praying, trust in the Lord, and He will deliver peace and a future according to His plan.

    • Sara says

      I had a 6 week old baby, our first, when my guy walked out. Two years later we renewed our vows. It took years of Christian counseling, and a great deal of humility from both of us, and a commitment to forgive, everytime my heart hurt, but our marriage now 16 years later is wonderful.

  4. Mark says

    After 3 years, I “woke up” and went home. I am totally astounded and humbled that she stayed, prayed, and loved me the entire time. I will spend the rest of my life devoted to God and to her.

  5. says

    If there is one thing I pound into the heads of my counseling clients, it’s that love is a choice. One of the first exercise I try to have couples do is write out their love story and write the things that first attracted them to their spouse and the reasons they said “yes” to marriage. Then I encourage them to refer back to these documents when they don’t “feel” that love anymore. To remember and then choose love again.

  6. says

    Kim,
    I am weeping and so, so thankful for your wonderful post. may it bless and strengthen many, many women to go the distance with love and grace. I would like to feature it on ‘EOA’ WEdnesday tomorrow! also, I would like permission to use the video on my own blog with new text in 3-4 months! Everyone should see this, no matter the state of their marriage! Bless you, my friend!

    • Kim Sorgius says

      Hi Jacqueline, You are welcome to feature my post. Thank you for offering. The video itself is on youtube and isn’t mine, but I am sure that you are free to use it (just be sure you take the link straight from there so that the author gets the credit and not me!) I’ve read this story many times and was captivated when I saw that they made it into a video. When you read the credits, it looks like the guy who created the video is actually the guy who lived this reality!

  7. unknown says

    I was married for 25 yrs to a pastor and we had 7 children. We had a great marriage. We got along, we ministered together, he went to closed countries knowing it was a risk to his life, I supported him in all that. He would always tell me i was a great wife. Then out of the blue he had an affair. He began telling me he didnt love me anymore, he didnt marry me for love, we were never close, ….yet I forgave him and wanted to stay together. He would say the right words that he wanted to stay, but refused counseling, rejected all our friends, he was cold, distant, began drinking, cursing,had several online relationships, flirting, talking dirty …speaking to me in ways never before. He moved out and made known to me he did not want me, God or the life we had. While yes I would always counsel someone to try to save your marriage, there are some who do not want it. I tried, our pastors tried, friends,….my prayer was for restoration fully knowing that God could do that. Unfortunately mine was one of those who did not want restored. I filed for divorce. I wasnt looking for a way out, I loved my husband, I forgave and I stayed. I prayed over that decision, I had peace about that decision. Not long after God brought a man into my life that truly reflects the character of God, that knows what love really is, and he has been amazing for me and my 4 remaining children at home. They all see the difference in their father and dont like him. My oldest son will not even speak to him, saying he has never shown he was sorry. The reason he doesnt is because he likes the new life he has. I am not saying that one day, he wont repent. I pray for that….I had a friend whose husband came back after 11 yrs and repented. She forgave but would not remarry him. I know God does not like divorce but I also know that sometimes it does happen, there are biblical grounds for it at times. God does bring beauty out of the ashes, He does bring good out of bad.
    I had my churches support. There are those who judge, and like you I have found that it is like wearing a scarlett letter D, not cause I feel guilt , but just because I have been divorced. Our stories are all different, our journeys dont all have the same ending. There are always consequences and their dad will never realize the pain he not only cuased me, but them. He doesnt have to deal with it. He is happy in his new little world. He still causes them pain. I often still feel the brokeness. still sad that the wholeness of our family isnt there, but also rejoice at all that God has done and the beauty He has given us and the AMAZING grace He has poured upon us as we blend and unite as a family. Never would have chose this for my life but I trust God is sovereign in my life and the circumstances of it.

  8. says

    My wife told me that she didn’t love me anymore. So, I cried and found out a few things. First that she was talking and trying to fall in love with another man over the phone and texting inappropriately with him. I confronted her after telling the man to leave her and I alone. She became angry and left to be with her sister. The man never contacted her and blocked her on facebook and such. She now says she still don’t love me and that we guys are all the same and want just one thing. I think she is now confused. she also has agreed to go to counseling the way it is set up is she will have at least two sessions by herself the counselor will ask if she is ready for a group session yet or not then they will put us together. I hope im doing the right things. To top it all off I friended one of her old friends on facebook and he told me that they aren’t friends because the slept together and she ended it and came back to me. Well that’s all I have.

    • says

      Oh, Brian. I’m so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. Exactly. I’ll tell you what I had to learn. First, God hates divorce and doesn’t want you to give up on your wife. Second, there is nothing you can do outside of praying for her. God has to do the rest…AND she has to listen to his voice. I will pray with you that she does listen to his voice and respond with a desire to work hard on your marriage. The hardest thing I had to learn: If she does not, God will not force her. He’s not that kind of God. He desires for us to willingly obey, but He won’t give up on her! I wish I had more I could offer you, but I do promise to pray for you.

  9. April says

    He doesn’t love me anymore, that’s what he said after 30 yrs. Of marriage. We have 13 grand kids. He said he has only stayed for the grandkids the last yr. He said he just doesn’t want to be married to me anymore. There is no other woman, I know this is true. He just feels like he is miserable and doesn’t want to be with anyone. My life is shattered, I’m scared, sad & lonely. We are still living together until our house sells. We are raising our 6 year old granddaughter, he is signing his custody over to me. I have asked him to go to counseling, No. I have asked him to talk to his Dr..no..he is distant with me however he still does nice things for me – starts my car on cold mornings, gets me a drink for dinner. Thoughtful things. Its very confusing. How do I do this?

  10. Stephanie Johnson Negley says

    I have been married for 22 years (almost 23). My husband starting becoming distant last year and started talking about a new girl at work. He is 43 and she is 27 ( she is in a troubled marriage and has two small children 1 and 3). We have three almost grown children, only the youngest which is 17 lives at home. I started asking questions about her last October and he said he had feelngs for her that he didn’t understand. I got angry and asked if he loved her, at the time he said he did not know. A few weeks later, he told me they were just friendship feelings. During all of this, my mother passed away and I have had a really hard time with her death, he has not been there for me at all. He has his cell phone password protected, changed his Facebook and email passwords etc. I have asked home numerous times if he has cheated he says no. But he does say they talk and text everyday several times. Finally she tells him this week that she is working things out with her husband, my husband tells me about the conversation. I have come to realize she has been looking at my husband as a father figure ( she lost her dad several years ago). Just Friday night my husband cries saying that he feels rejected by herand is having a hard time facing it. he says he really does love her, but she is not interested in him. Because of the rejection he is feeling he has turned his anger on me…saying he doesn’t love me and never has. He does not want a divorce but does not have feelings for me at all. He said he actually has hatred for me. I am so devasted. As sad as it sounds I love this man, have for ever. I can’t believe he is doing this to me after just losing my mother and all of our years together. Is my marriage worth fighting for or do I just walk away. He says he needs space and actually wants to move out. I can not afford the house etc by myself. Any advice would be appreciated.

    • says

      I think absolutely every marriage is worth fighting for. Even if he is unwilling to make any effort, God can redeem the impossible. Submit your heart to HIM and let Him do the work! I would recommend the blog http://www.intenionallyyours.org. I think you will find many wonderful resources there for you!

  11. April White says

    3 weeks ago tomorrow my husband and oldest son had an argument and my husband walked out. The following Monday he came and got most of his things, said he did mot have to live this way. All families have problems, all children fight with their parents and say things they regret its called growing up. He says I didn’t try to stop it and I swear I did. I had 4 children coming into the marriage and he never could have children. In the beginning he was everything I wanted and had dreamed of all my life and my childrens lives. The last few months we were having problems but I was fighting for him, so why was it so easy for him just to walk away. He told me he loves me but he is not coming back and then on Tuesday of this week I was sent pictures of him with another female not even 3 weeks after he leaves he is already with someone else and from her fb page she had been in a relationship with him since April 30 only 10 days after he had walked out, but they had just started seeing each other after he left, he says and so does she. I love this man with all my heart and soul and so do my children all except my oldest who is now very angry because he says he is tired of seeing his mom hurt. Plus he was used as the scapegoat for my husband to leave. I am torn as to what to do. I pray every day that God will open my husbands heart and make him remember why he loved us and shut the lions mouth that her words become bitter and sour towards him and that he can think of nothing but me and his family when he is with her. That satan will leave my family along. But my husband has told others that he is no longer in love with me but he will always have love for me. I can’t sleep, I don’t eat and functioning is still very hard. I ask

    • says

      I’m so sorry, April. I am praying for you. Trust God and lean into Him. Don’t worry about your husband right now. Let God handle that!

  12. Pam says

    My husband who says he is a devout Christian up and walked out on me when our son was 5 weeks old. It’s been almost 2 years now and he has filed for divorce. I would never file because I loved him so much and prayed for his heart to change towards our marriage. It’s only grown colder and now I suspect there is someone else. He has led me on giving me hope that he loved me and wanted our marriage to work, yet he would never come home. Now he is just hateful and blames me for everything. Tells me
    That he is not in love with me anymore and that no one will ever love me. He makes me
    Feel so bad about myself and all I have ever wanted was to make our marriage work.
    I shared his with him and he called me
    After watching the video and he was crying (that never happens) and was screaming at me “what is wrong with you? Why would you tell me to watch that!?? Are you sick in the head!?”
    I can’t help but think that he reacted that way because in fact he is guilty.

    • says

      My husband had a similar response when I sent it to him. It’s so sad to watch him now so many years later. He has remarried, but is just as miserable as he was the day he left. Praying for you, Pam.

  13. Gloria Catlin says

    I am currently separated, this made me cry
    What a beautiful loving story

  14. Kathy P. says

    My husband and I have been married almost 20 years. I have never in my life seen or heard of this ” I’ll love you today ” attitude until I married my husband! The thing that gets me is how these people that act like they are the only ones that have feelings…….step all over the feelings that are meant for THEM ……and don’t have the common sense to realize they are making it go away!

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