A sink full of dishes and hours worth of writing beg for my attention as we finished the chapter. Prayers whispered, kisses shared and lights dimmed.
“Read one more chapter, mommy,” she pleads. My heart longs to linger with her, cuddled under the covers, but the to-do list beckons. “Not tonight, baby.” A wave of exhaustion battles with the rush of guilt. I rationalize the choice with seemingly shallow excuses, but it doesn’t soothe. Clean dishes and folded laundry hardly seem like a fair trade for time spent with their hearts. I whisper a promise for tomorrow, but carry the hurt of the “not tonight.”
Not tonight. The very words taunt well-meaning moms. They pierce the already broken places. “Not tonight” says “you aren’t important” or “I simply can not make time for you.” While neither of these is true, the torment won’t leave. As a single mom, I bear great guilt over the holes that I can not fill. When those sweet teary eyes plead for one more chapter, one more hug, one more song…my mind rages with the furry of my to-do list and the self-condemnation of not being enough.
It’s so easy to get swept away in the lies. Easy to let the guilt consume and my heart to break. It’s in these moments that I must rely on the love of a perfect Father. One who fills those holes with His love. The truth is…I may not be able to read another chapter, but she knows that I love her. She sees the sacrifice and commitment to her.
She knows that I will rock her when she is sick, wipe the tears when her heart is broken, and hold her hand when she is scared. She knows that I’ll be here for her, because “Not tonight, ” is just a temporary disappointment.
I may not be able to read another chapter, but I can rest securely in the love of our gracious Father. His perfect love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18), for He promises to be close to the brokenhearted. He will never let her down.
Kim Sorgius
Kim is just a girl, crazy in love with Jesus. She's a single mother of 4, a passionate homeschooler and life-long student. After teaching 8 years in public school, she traded her M.A. in Early Childhood for sippy cups and homeschool co-ops. Kim is the owner and editor of The Homeschool Village and Not Consumed where she encourages others to rest victoriously in the hands of God, rather than allowing life's difficult circumstances to consume.
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Your post brings to mind the verses in Isaiah that describe how God “gently leads those with young.” When my daughters were small and I felt so often overwhelmed, the mental picture of God’s gentle care for me was soothing and encouraging. God bless you as you seek to follow HIm.
Visiting today from Be Not Weary
You have spoken what my heart feels often. When my little one asks me, why do you have to go to work tonight, can’t you get someone to switch with you or call in? I would love to be able to stay home, but then I have to explain my responsibilities and commitments which I also have to try and teach him so that he can grow up to be a Godly man. I am so glad that God sees all of this and can do more than I can. Otherwise I feel that I would just get stuck in the “overwhelmingness” of it all. I choose to trust that my God is big enough to heal those wounds and to love on him when I can’t be there. This wasn’t the way it was suppose to be but God knows that too. He is my husband as well as his father and who more perfect could I ask for. I am so glad that I found this support to know that others feel the same. Thanks for taking the time to share your heart. God bless!
Thanks for these words today. I feel that Mommy-guilt so often in the evening. I finally need a few minutes to get things done and those pleading eyes call out for a few more minutes of me. I have felt so drained. Thank you for the reminders of God’s truth. Some nights there is “one more chapter” but some nights there are not – and that is ok.
I can relate. As a fellow single mom, there just isn’t enough of me in times like these. I, too, feel the guilt and try to remember that these times will pass and it will be ok. I am always singing in my head “The joy of the Lord is my strength”.
We have to be very careful when meeting the needs of our kids who have been through trauma- divorce, death, cancer, abuse, etc. (As a parent of a child with PTSD and another with emotional scars, I speak from personal experience and years of counseling.) Their needs for comfort and reassurance are much greater than a typical child. Their feelings of identity, security, and safety have been severely compromised. God gives children parents as their fundamental source of security in the world. They need much more from us than a typical child. If you are the child’s primary source of security, you will often need to sacrifice for them. I often get requests for one more chapter, another song, or comfort in the middle of the night. With a husband who travels for work and used to be gone Mon-Fri every week, I know this feels impossible sometimes and we have nothing left to give, but sadly that really isn’t the option. Everything else has to be pushed aside because that is my primary calling aside from God and my spouse. It is hard!! So hard. Brings me to the brink of tears and anger many times because I feel so pressed. Many nights I fall on my face before Him begging me to fill me so I have something to give them when I feel so hopeless… but that is where He wants us to be- living dependent on Him for everything. My house, self, foundation work, church and work responsibilities, and sleep suffer but God is faithful. He gives me enough time in each day to accomplish what He has planned, not what I want do or accomplish.
Just last night my daughter had a night of medical trauma. For 14 straight hours I held her while I calmed her and soothed her so she could sleep. My house is a wreck, we desperately need groceries, my son watched TV before schoolwork this morning, my blog is a month behind, my to do list is multiple pages- but my daughter feels loved in the midst of her pain and knows she is not alone in this world to navigate adult-sized pain on her own. And that is what matters.
The time we have with our children when they need us so intensely feels endless, but it is really so short. The nights of reading, cuddling, praying, singing, reassuring, and soothing seem like they will never end, but they are just a blink of time. For our kids who have experienced trauma that window of healing is so important. The nights when I feel so drained, I remember the dozens of families from our clinic who have already lost their children to cancer and would give anything for one last night. It is a privilege of the highest calling and a burden that often feels too heavy.
I am married to a man who was abused as a child and did not receive the support and reassurance he needed. It fundamentally changed who he is as a person- to the core. It affects all of his relationships, attachments, how he deals with emotions, his ability to be close and depend on others, and his view of God. Our parents represent God’s love to us when we are kids, primarily our fathers and without them in the picture the burden falls even greater on the mothers. If we do not receive that as children it is very hard to have a healthy view of God as an adult and to fully accept His love and grace. Whenever we need a gauge of where our children our emotionally we can look at their sibling interactions, the way they talk and interact when playing with friends, sleep habits, and their behavior in peer group settings. More often than not at least one of them is in need of special attention. I believe we are called to pray for our children without ceasing and teach them about Him, but we cannot trust that they are mature enough as believers to depend on God for their comfort when they are really upset. Kids do not think that abstractly yet. It does not matter how much Biblical knowledge, intellect, or maturity they show. It is still a fundamental need that all children have- a cup in their souls that needs to be filled.
God loves them, cares for them, speaks to them, and can heal them but we are His primary tool even when we think we can’t.
Amber, oh, my heart cries out to you. My husband does not travel, but he works until 2 or 3 am…comes home, sleeps for 4 hours and leaves. I still prepare his meals, wash his clothes and iron them…so, he’s still here, but not…. with three children, one who has always needed a little more for reasons I will not share…and one who has horrible night terrors when going through growth spurts…it leaves me weary at the end of the day.
There are nights when I read from three different books, 1-2 chapters from each….and each time they beg for one more story and it’s already 10pm…and I’ve been up since 4 – my heart cries out for rest…. There are nights, I will and others when I know my rest will ensure a more patient Mom the next day.
It’s so hard being a Mom – add other issues of life – like your husband, mine experienced problems like his father dying when he was 7 and me….my parents divorced when I was 3 (my father was an abusive alcoholic) and my oldest brother was killed just a few months after their divorce was finalized – through a tragic motorcyle ‘accident’….. It leaves heart wounds that go deep.
I so understand your heart – wanting to do all we can….and there are nights I used to go to bed feeling guilty when I just could not go one more step….
But, God has shared with me…that I do need rest and I need time alone with Him -take care ofmy heart with him and then, I can serve my children.
I pray he covers you with love….and that if there is a night…where exhaustion wracks your bones, you can go to bed knowing you truly have given all….and your children…can learn now that sometimes…their wants have to be a little delayed while the needs of others are met.
NOW…as I say that, I also realize, I am not in your shoes, my children do not have the same traumas…your children are very blessed – He chose you for their mother and he chose them for your children….his plan is beautiful and I am blessed by how beautifully you have shared your heart.
What a hard post to write. I know I feel guilty sometimes when I sit my daughter to play and then rush around the house cleaning and picking up when both she & I would rather be together. Thanks for sharing!
You got it. We can love and serve them, bless them with both books and folded laundry, and do our best to balance it all… but only He can fill those holes. and He loves them more than we do.
I like what Emily said, we can bless them with both books and folded laundry. You were serving her in both scenarios. Thank you for reminding us of the truth when these things happen. We are so blessed to have a God who uses our efforts and fills in the gaps. Thanks for linking up with WIP!
I found this site by accident or may be not, but lead by God, your posts have truly touched my heart. I am not a single mom, all though some times I feel like one. My husband works long hours & travels a lot. Although we love each other & our daughter, our views of raising her are different. In some ways its a blessing that he is not home a lot. I don’t consider my daughter mine, but on loan from God & I try to care for as God would want me to. With Love, Guidance, but also rules or commandments to protect her mental, physical & spiritual. Yes, all children need reassurance & comfort, on occasion one more chapter read when they had a rough day, but also they need to know the nights you say no, it’s not because your a bad or mean mom that does not love them. But it is because you do love them that you are saying no. After all there are many times our Father has said no to us & we still feel loved by him.
That’s so true! I’ve asked my kids in the past how they know that I love them (just being silly) and the first answer is always- because you work hard to take care of us. It melts a mama’s heart. They see what we do even when days are hard! I truly believe that God’s got my back. He makes up for that which I lack and for that I am so very grateful.