Hi friend, this post is part of my series: parenting a hurting child. I pray that you will be blessed. Check out the other posts in the series and be sure to subscribe so you won’t miss any updates.
Barely in my teens, she found me slumped under the covers in hysteria. He had broken my heart and my 14 year old heart couldn’t stand the pain. Momma sat down on my bed and without once ounce of compassion said- “no boy will ever be worth crying over. Don’t waste your time.”
I remember staring into the hard lines in her face that day. Marks of her strength and determination to do what no woman should ever have to do. She sacrificed everything for us, yet she never revealed the pain. In fact, it wasn’t until I walked the same valley myself that I realized the secrets she kept inside. That deep pain that leaves debilitating scars. She just kept it hidden. Somewhere between despair and reality she decided that no one needed to know.
Oh friends, this is such a lie. People need to know or they will never be able to help. We should never be afraid to share our pain and should work hard to help our children express theirs.
Momma had every intent to help me, she absolutely did. She just didn’t know how… The message to my 14 year old heart was clear and it wounded. Instead of believing that this boy wasn’t worth crying over, I simply believed that I wasn’t worth being heard and it changed me. If there is anything that you can do for your hurting children, please let them cry. Because being afraid to cry is costly, beyond what we might imagine…
The biblical truth about crying:
Crying heals and blesses
- O Lord my God, I cried to you for help and you healed me. Psalm 30:2
- The righteous cry and the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. Psalm 34:17
- I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Psalm 40:1-3
- Jesus said…Blessed are those who mourn. Matthew 5:4
Crying is Christ-like
- Jesus was a man of sorrows. Isaiah 53:3
- Jesus was overwhelmed with sorrow in the garden. Matt. 26:37-28
- When Jesus heard of Lazarus’ death, he wept. John 11:33-36
- While on this earth, Jesus pleaded for us and offered up prayers with loud cries and tears. Hebrews 5:7
Crying does not equal a lack of faith
If we claim that crying shows a lack of faith, then we are saying that Christ had a lack of faith. We know this isn’t true. One glance over the verses above makes it obvious that Jesus wept…even when he fully knew what God had planned. Both in the garden and over Lazarus, he wept not out of a lack of faith, but out of love and compassion for the suffering. Let us not buy the lie that our tears are a result of a lack of faith.
How to help:
If tears are ok, then what can we do to help our children? First, make sure that your child knows that crying is healing. Teach them that crying is a blessing by using the verses that I listed above. Help them to see that Jesus wept over some of the same things that he/she is facing. Most importantly, mourn with your child.
Romans 12:15 tells us to mourn with those who mourn. Ephesians 4:32 tells us to have compassion. There is nothing worse that feeling broken and facing a person with a big silly grin on their face. Now, I’m not saying that we should always live in a state of grieving. By all means, that is not healthy. But when your child is sad, let them be sad and don’t act like their are silly for feeling that way. Hold them and invest extra time in those broken moments. Remember, the dishes in the sink will always wait. The sadness will pass and the silly grins will once again be welcome.
Consider allowing your child to have mental health days. If the suffering is on-going, this may need to happen more than once. Allow them to stay home from school or take a break if they are homeschooled. If he/she is dealing with a wave of sadness, a school day won’t be productive anyway. Be sensitive to your child’s needs and offer that much needed break.
Be there to help guard them against despair. There is a point when crying reaches despair. If your child is comfortable opening up to you, the opportunity to help pull them out of the pit of despair will be helpful. Despair is that point when we begin to claim that God can’t fix this or God isn’t big enough. It’s that point when we blame God or want to punish him for what has happened to us. None of us wants to admit that we get to that point, but we do. We need someone to talk some sense into us. (Hey, that applies to parents, too. Do you have a friend to talk you down from the ledge?)
Teach them the scripture that they need to hold on to God. We are going to spend an entire day on this later in the series, but for now, I must at least mention it. One of the ways that I do this for my kids is through music. Our favorite: Seeds of Courage. These CD’s are straight scripture and Seeds of Courage deals with hard issues that kids face. One song is Psalms 40:1-3 that I listed above. (Side note about Seeds…every CD you purchase comes with a free CD to giveaway. How cool is that?)
Because I love you and I want your children to seek the only ONE who heals… I am giving away a copy of Seeds of Courage. Enter below.
Your turn… What is your experience with crying? Does this post present it in a way that is new to you? Share your thoughts with us so that we can all encourage one another.
This post is part of ihomeschool network’s Hopscotch series. Check out the other series plus win cool prizes.
Kim Sorgius
Kim is just a girl, crazy in love with Jesus. She's a single mother of 4, a passionate homeschooler and life-long student. After teaching 8 years in public school, she traded her M.A. in Early Childhood for sippy cups and homeschool co-ops. Kim is the owner and editor of The Homeschool Village and Not Consumed where she encourages others to rest victoriously in the hands of God, rather than allowing life's difficult circumstances to consume.
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Thank you for this.
Beautiful, Kimberly. It is important to help our children cry and cry with them. I remember when my first boyfriend broke up with me, I was devastated and my Mom didn’t cry with me…she was angry at me…but, I later learned where her anger came from. It was fear and from her own pain….I’ll share that one down on my own blog. Thank you for sharing your story.
What a lovely post.
The closer I am to God in how I live my life, the closer I am to tears–whether I’m sad or just overwhelmed by beauty or feeling.
What an interesting thought, Elizabeth. I’ve seen that transformation in my own life. From a person that couldn’t be shaken to shed a single tear even in the hardest of moments…to a person who finds the tears streaming just because the worship on a Sunday morning is overwhelming.
It’s so true that God moves me to tears, whether happy or sad.
Thanks for the topic today as well as the entries into your contest!
What a revelation this was to me. When I was first married, we had a really tough start to our marriage and when we argued, I cried… and was told that crying does nothing and it was not met with compassion in any way. I learned to stop crying. That was 9 years ago. Since then, I’ve buried my Mom and my mother-in-law and had my first child… and hardly a tear has been shed and when they are, they are quickly stopped.
I miss crying. Now, I don’t even know how to start crying again!
I have a 2-year old daughter and I have encouraged her to cry when she feels like crying and I don’t tell her to stop (unless if it is unnecessary whining of course!). I don’t ever want her to think that crying is not ok and your post was a Scriptural reminder of that. Thank you!
many tears have I shed in my lifetime. I came across your series through Raising Arrows blog. I saw the title and thought “I need to read this”. our son is going through a tough time right now and has done a bit of crying himself so I was curious to see what your encouragement is. Thank you. I will be speaking to him tomorrow and reaffirming the gift of tears. When I was young and going through a troubled time, someone very dear to me told me of the verse that says that the Lord gathers our tears in a bottle and holds them close to His heart. (sorry I don’t remember the reference right now), but that was such a comfort to me. I am thankful for the tears and that one day,praise God, He will wipe them all away!
Great article. My childhood was so ugly, and one day the “stop crying” comment sunk in, and I stopped crying. Now at 44 I still don’t cry. Oh if someone had taught me it was ok when I was younger.
this is so important! I’m so glad for your post! I was taught as a child that crying was weak etc. I learned not to cry. and it all backfired on me when I was a young adult because I had never dealt with anything, I had only bottled it all up.
a year of counseling, and a very sweet/patient hubby and I made it through, but this is SUCH an important thing to teach kids. I wish my parents had taughit to me, instead of teaching me against it!