Hi friend, this post is part of my series: parenting a hurting child. I pray that you will be blessed. Check out the other posts in the series and be sure to subscribe so you won’t miss any updates.
It’s at the bottom of the deepest valley where you find yourself with two choices… look up and let God hold you, cling to him with everything that you have… or walk away, cursing His very name.
I have to choose daily which one to go with and so do my kids. Just because they are younger doesn’t change this fact. Actually, ignoring it may quite possibly be the catalyst for becoming a statistic. You know what I’m talking about. Those quotes that make parents cringe. Like say… “78% of all people in prison were raised by single moms.” You can fill in the blank with a statistic from your own situation. Regardless of the circumstance, words like these breathe despair into our circumstances.
But the truth is, our children do not have to become statistics. In Christ, we have victory. This trial, these circumstances…they have already been overcome. (John 16:33) If we can help our kids find Jesus in the mess, we give them the ability to claim this victory in their lives.
How do we help them find God in the pain?
Tell them who God is…
Make sure your children know who God is. Show them the scripture and post it in prominent places. When despair creeps in, these verses should be the first to come out. We have no promises if God isn’t who He said He is. Be careful not to use words like maybe or might when you refer to God’s character. If the Bible says it- it’s true. There is no maybe about it. Maybe causes doubt and confusion. For example, God is our healer. He might not heal a particular sickness, but he is STILL the healer. The maybe or might has nothing to do with who God is. The Bible is full of scripture that defines God. Here are just a few to get you started.
- He is a father to the fatherless…Psalm 68:5
- For your Creator will be your husband; the LORD of Heaven’s Armies is his name ! He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel, the God of all the earth. Isaiah 54:5
- He is our healer. Exodus 15:26
- And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6
- He is the sovereign Savior. Psalm 68:20
- He is King of Kings and Lord of Lords…which makes us his princesses/princes. Rev. 17:14
- God is more powerful than evil. 1 John 4:4
Involve them in what you are praying for as a family
I’ll warn you…this idea really upsets people. But most of those people live in houses with both parents, a white picket fence, healthy kids and their head in the sand. You are going to have to ignore them. As sweet as they are, they simply don’t understand. Hurting children already know it hurts. They aren’t dumb. Hiding things from them won’t keep them innocent in this. Instead, it will convince them that we are lying and it will cause them to miss seeing God.
So when you pray, involve your kids. Teach them that God comforts and is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). Teach them that He provides.(Phil 4:19-20) As a family, we have prayed for many things. We pray for each other when the tears fall. We pray for other families that we know that are hurting. We pray for provision. For example, recently we lost our food stamp benefits due to a clerical error. I told them about it. I didn’t throw myself on the ground in horror and despair. I just told them that we needed to pray that it would be resolved quickly. Time passed and it didn’t get fixed as “quickly” as we might have liked. As the pantry and fridge grew empty, we prayed over it. God provided every time. No one was hungry, but everyone knew that God could be trusted. When the benefits returned, together we thanked Him and praised Him.
Now, I could have refrained from telling them, but I would have missed out on a beautiful opportunity to show God faithful in our circumstances. Friends, we are unwise to think that this is the only trial that our kids will ever face. The storms of life are ever raging. Now is the time to help them see that God will ALWAYS be there. (Joshua 1:9) I wish I had seen this promise as a girl. This same storm may rage or they may go through their own tragedy, but my kids WILL remember that God can be trusted.
Tell them the truth
Before you decide that I must be nuts, let me share that I grew up in a broken home. I don’t recall my mom EVER saying anything bad about my dad. I still don’t know why the marriage dissolved and I honestly have no clue why my parents couldn’t look past their own desires enough to keep our family together. I’m 35 years old, and friend, I’ve never once felt loved in my life. I’ve never felt good enough. I’ve always struggled with my weight. The list goes on and on. Yet, I lived in the perfect situation. Two parents who “fought too much” to keep it together made things better by living apart. I saw my dad fairly regularly. There wasn’t one single negative circumstance surrounding the divorce….besides, well the divorce.
I mention this here not to deter you from getting a divorce or to talk you into fighting for your marriage (although I’d love to do just that.) What I hope to covey is that covering up the truth helps no one. In the situation of divorce, we are all told that we will be just fine, but the truth is they’re not fine. I was not fine and even today still struggle deeply with issues that were stuffed down and kept quiet.
Whether your children are facing a parent who walked out, a cancer diagnosis, or any other trial…PLEASE, I beg you, tell them the truth. It doesn’t have to be messy. I’m not suggesting you say- “your daddy just couldn’t keep his pants on.” Obviously, not appropriate. Just tell them that it’s not fine. It’s not ok for parents to abandon their children. It’s not ok for bodies to be invaded with sickness. Admit that it hurts and that you are angry with God. All of that is ok. Remember, these precious souls will one day walk another trial. What example should they then follow?
Help them figure out what to do with the unknown
For me, this is the hardest part of the valley that we walk. I hate the unknown. It’s hard to wake up wondering if there will be enough money to pay the rent or enough energy to do the laundry. I know you feel the pain of the unknown, too. Don’t forget that your children also very much live in the land of unknown. Things are likely changing in your home regularly. Schedules are a mess. Babysitters are common. And promises are probably being broken. We need to help them deal with the unknown and we don’t always have the option of just not telling them.
My younger children will voice their frustration over this issue with a fit. If a promise is broken or a fun time missed because we now have to go to the doctor, there is always a breakdown. Give them grace in the moment. And then remind them that the disappointment hurt you too. Tell them that you prayed and asked God to take the hurt away. Remind them that God sees our tears (Psalm 56:8-11) and that He alone is sovereign over all things. We might not always know the plans, but He does. And sweet friend, His plans are SO good. (Jer. 29:11)
My oldest is a stuffer. She puts it all down in there and then blows up. I’ve learned to watch for the signs of “stuffing” and found that if I can pull her aside in advance, we can talk it out. We will talk about the unknowns that hurt her and I write them on paper. Once we think we have them all, I rip them up and give them to God, praying over each one. All the while, reminding her that He is the healer. His promises are KNOWN.
Oh friend, I just want you to know that we are not statistics. We are HIS precious children. Regardless of the circumstances, our families, our children, our lives are victorious in Christ. Claim that truth today.
I’ll see you tomorrow for a fantastic printable to help deal with the feelings, plus more scripture!
Your turn~ Which one of these issues do you struggle with the most? Let’s encourage one another!
This post is part of ihomeschool network’s Hopscotch series.
Kim Sorgius
Kim is just a girl, crazy in love with Jesus. She's a single mother of 4, a passionate homeschooler and life-long student. After teaching 8 years in public school, she traded her M.A. in Early Childhood for sippy cups and homeschool co-ops. Kim is the owner and editor of The Homeschool Village and Not Consumed where she encourages others to rest victoriously in the hands of God, rather than allowing life's difficult circumstances to consume.
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I definitely struggle the most with the fact that Madison is almost 3 and although she is very very advanced for her age, she just doesn’t understand. The fit throwing is now a daily occurrence. its very upsetting to see how my sweet, wonderful, easygoing baby turned into a rebellious, angry child virtually overnight. She thinks heaven and Jesus are bad things because they have daddy and we don’t. Absolutely heartbreaking.
My now 5 year old was 2 when his daddy left. He definitely struggles with anger and fit throwing. And there is still a LOT that he doesn’t understand. But I keep speaking true things to him. It’s hard when he asks nearly EVERY night- why can’t daddy just tuck me in? The truth is, I don’t have an answer to that unless I say something bad about him. So instead, I focus on what is true. “Baby, God loves you and aren’t you glad that He tucks each one of us in, every.single.night? This takes the focus off of the hurt and puts it back onto who God is.
We are going to talk about God’s promises and dealing with fits and feelings tomorrow, Kimberly! Hang in there. I know how hard it is. Praying for you and Madison.
I have two boys, its the hurt. I promised over a year ago when one of their friends parents started going through a divorce that mommy and daddy were fine, I was planning on an eventual marriage renewal which would be happening this coming year.. (Or so I thought we were, how did I know we weren’t’ and he was seeing many different women in some odd dating game with his work partner?) He left last March he was supposed to come home the beginning of September…but he hasn’t. He sees them almost weekly, but for my youngest its not enough. For my oldest 13 who has a basic idea of what went on…he just wants his dad to face the Lord, deal what has happened and come home and be the father of the family again. My youngest 10 has almost daily melt downs, the last was at a Bible Quiz meet…he just wants his daddy and he wants his family back together. If one more person tells me kids are fine after divorce am going to ask them if they know this for a fact or if they just read it some place. My kids are not fine, they are hurting in ways I never imagined I’d have to deal with…EVER!
Awesome post, Kim. So full of wisdom & truth. Life is so hard. But God is good & he loves us, that’s all we can stand on.
Your post is such a blessing. It applies to many circumstances. Thank you so much!
I really struggle with sharing what I am praying for, worrying about, and going through! I realize sometimes that I have been silent about something that really will affect them and I am ashamed that I was silent. I think it is my personality – I am inside my head a lot and just don’t think to tell the kids.
Brilliant post! Thanks so much for sharing. This is an issue that has weighed on my heart recently, most recently specifically the part about sharing with them what is going on. I’ve been struggling financially for the past year. We lost our home, and are in a situation where I’m struggling to catch up to stay where we are now. They know that money is tight, and are aware of the times that it’s the worst, though I’ve not specifically shared those moments with them. Recently I have felt my heart telling me that those moments when I rejoice at His provisions at just the right time, I’m missing out on sharing that joy and amazement with my children. How awesome a thing for them to witness! They already know that I struggle, and what a loss for them to miss out on His provisions. Reading your posting after this has already weighed on my heart only further convinces me that my children need to see how loving and awesome our God is, that he truly provides when we need it most (even if it’s not exactly what I want or think I need!) Thanks so much for sharing!
This series has come at exactly the right time. Thank you for sharing. Our biggest struggle has been mixed feelings. My daughter and I both miss the man we knew; the one who is no longer there and yet we both feel so much safer without the fighting and arguments which ensued during the few weeks just before he moved nearly 24 hours away from us. We both struggle with the feelings of abandonment and if it weren’t for God and his word I don’t know how we’d get through each day.
I’m so thankful to have found your site…what a blessing! Thank you for sharing.
Love this post. In our home we have two children from broken marriages and an adopted daughter. Each of these three have unique circumstances, and as such, we treat them differently. I think we have done a decent job at showing who God is and how He can help/heal in situations that arise. Of course, there are areas in which I could rewind and go back and do again.
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Thank you so much for your post today! I just found your blog and so happy that I did. Today’s post is right where I am today. My husband mentally left years ago, but not physically until last November. He has been spending weekend time with our 10 year old son, but most of the time is spent with his new girlfriend and her daughter. My son is struggling with understanding all of this and he wants daddy back with me “like it used to be”. I now understand that is not possible (eventhough I thought it was at one point) and my son has regressed a lot in the past week and is struggling. I know he prays silent prayers, but praying together has been a struggle because he doesn’t feel like he does it right. I have told him many times that there is no “right” way, but I keep trying so hopefully he will get comfortable with it. THank you again for your post. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. Happy that I’m not alone, but sad that there is/has to be blogs likes this to support each other because of divorce/death/loss of something.
Angie
My sentiments exactly Angie!