Hi friend, this post is part of my series: parenting a hurting child. I pray that you will be blessed. Check out the other posts in the series and be sure to subscribe so you won’t miss any updates.
Last week someone stopped reading my blog because I revealed that my family was using food stamps. Her words cut deep into my insecurity. In that moment, years of pain flashed before my eyes: empty pantries, social services offices, and divorce papers. It doesn’t take but a second for me to close my eyes and clearly replay the entire scene where he claimed to have never loved me as he packed his suitcase to move into the mistress’ apartment. In that moment, I tried to fight back the tears of circumstances that I didn’t choose. Circumstances that robbed every ounce of dignity that I once thought I had and exchanged them for the shame of government assistance. As I stared at the computer screen the only response I could think of was, “how else do I feed them?”
In my circumstances, I often come up empty on this question. Anyone who thinks that being a single mom is a good idea, clearly hasn’t walked that path. The cost of caring for 4 children is high, the cost of putting them all in daycare is higher. And the court…it’s almost laughable to think that after 15 months, we still can’t get our case before a judge.
I need a miracle.
Tears invade the moment until I see the truth. There are miracles all around me. God is providing, why am I ashamed? Perhaps this particular reader didn’t like the fact that I was using government assistance, but if it’s not there for women like me, who is it for? Friend, maybe you aren’t a single parent struggling to make ends meet, but if your child is hurting, it’s likely that you need help. The question remains, will we accept the help that is being offered or will pride keep the blessing away?
Where do we find help?
I’m not suggesting that everyone run out a apply for food stamps tomorrow. Government assistance is just one very temporary way that God meets our needs. (Remember He is sovereign over the government?) The church is His chosen preference. I am blessed to report that my church is truly the “hands and feet” of God. Local service, community service, and missions are a priority both to the elders and the members. Most churches have programs for your situation…no matter what it is. There are support groups, counselors, and money. Yes, I said money. We have to stop being so shy about this. My church has offered so many times to help me, most of which I have turned down, claiming that someone else surely needs it more than I do. Friends, we need to be brave enough to ask for and take advantage of these services. If nor for ourselves, then for our kids. Because they are watching every move we make. If they go to bed hungry because we stop fighting for them, what does that teach them?
You might also consider looking for an older couple from your church that might want to invest in your family, spending time with your kids and just loving on your family in general. There are several couples in our church that invest in hurting children and families in our church like this and it’s such a beautiful picture of God’s provision.
Don’t rule out the community. Have you considered a resource center in your area? Aside from government assistance, there are counseling, support groups, and all kinds of special programs out there. For example, Big Brother-Big Sister might be an excellent resource for a child in need of male/female influence that a single parent can not provide. Most cancer hospitals have foundations and counseling for families and patients. There are programs for long-term and short-term anxiety, grief, and pretty much anything that your child might be going through. Just don’t be afraid to ask for help.
The grace of friends
I am in the unfortunate situation of living 12 hours from family. Holidays are lonely and help can be hard to find, but God has graciously given us friends who have invested in our lives. Friends have mowed my lawn, hacked out weeds, delivered meals, slipped money in my purse, and even purchased Christmas gifts for my kids. The list of graciousness from friends is simply too long to share.
Perhaps the most important thing that friends have done for us is the investment of time. We have precious friends who remind us what it’s like to be a family. They spend time hosting our family, praying with us, feeding us, clothing us, and giving of themselves. It’s this type of sacrificial love that roots so deeply in the hearts of my kids. It’s the watching of a daddy love on his family from the head of the dinner table, opening up his invitation to include those little hurting hearts.
When I think about it again, the tears can not help but fall. Who are we that God would love us so much? Who are we that this family, and so many others would give so selflessly?
Friend, I promise that if you ask for help, you will be blessed. Those helping you will be blessed and your hurting hearts will receive double the portion. Blessed are the humble. I pray that we will cast off all shame and walk confidently into the promises that God has prepared for us.
Kim Sorgius
Kim is just a girl, crazy in love with Jesus. She's a single mother of 4, a passionate homeschooler and life-long student. After teaching 8 years in public school, she traded her M.A. in Early Childhood for sippy cups and homeschool co-ops. Kim is the owner and editor of The Homeschool Village and Not Consumed where she encourages others to rest victoriously in the hands of God, rather than allowing life's difficult circumstances to consume.
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Simply beautiful… yes, family and friends. When those friends come from the family of Christ – it is a beautiful picture….those sweet girls and boys take my breath away…… I am blessed to call you friend and pray for a miracle – daily….and love watching God unfold the beauty of His love and plan for the whole world to see!
I have had to ask for help many times in my life. When we were not getting paid the right amount, when my husband was deployed and I had to give birth to our 3rd child alone, when our house started falling apart during another deployment.
My mother-in-law taught me that asking for help when you are truly in need gives someone else an opportunity to be blessed and to bless. She would agree with your sentiments. <3
I needed to read this today. My situation is different, yet I struggle just the same. My husband is deployed for 14 months and we have a 1,3 and 5 year old. I have been feeling overwhelmed and inadequate to handle all of the responsibilities. Somewhere along the way I subscribed to the idea that I am unworthy of people’s help and that accepting it makes me weak. When people do help I feel guilty. Thank you for this encouraging post and the reminder to teach my kids something different!
Those who are quick to judge others usually fall into the same issue. Your lost reader will most likely find herself in a difficult situation where she’ll be nudged to remember the harsh actions. So sorry you had to be subjected to yet another hurt. Keep your chin up girl!
Congratulations! I’ve nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blog Award. If you are interested in participating you can pick up your badge icon and rules for participation here: http://www.recipesforourdailybread.com Blessings, Daine Roark
Bless your heart. Sorry that you had to re-live all your pain because of someone’s comment. And your response to it… well said! God will provide your every need and even some of your wants. Keep your eyes focused on HIM!!! He is the Heavenly Father to your family in your time of need~!
You may have lost a reader, but you have also gained one. I read your post today and was really touched. So often we hide what is really happening in our life. When we let it out we should be blessed not hurt. Thank you for your honesty. We are currently getting food stamps and only a handful of people know it. It is shameful for us. My husband was an attorney who decided to run his own business. He stays home trading stocks. He was home taking care of his dying father when the stock market crashed and we lost alot of money. Now we are taking care of his mother with dementia. The state wants us both to find jobs outside of the home. Not sure what we will do if they take away insurance, food stamps etc. Try to make it I am sure. Thank you for your honesty and courage!!
Not everyone is so blessed. Not every receives the help that they ask for. I have been independent my entire life. Doing everything myself, carrying the weight of everything myself. But now I find myself with 4 children, one on the way and my husband divorces me. I ask for help from my church. Something simple as “just call during the week, if you don’t know what to pray just call and pray for me on the phone.” No one has called, no one. I have asked for help with my abusive husband only to have it turned back on me. “You can only change yourself you know. He is not perfect but you are not helping the situation.” So I sit here alone, every day. Yes my dad would give me money if I needed, to a point that it doesn’t interfere with his wife. My mother: “You need to learn to lean on God.” I have done that all along and now I ask for help and no one is there. No one. “Call anytime” a friend says, but doesn’t pick up her phone or can only talk a couple of minutes and it turns out to be about her. So I carry the weight of being abandoned with children, cows, hogs, two acreages and a rental house. Count your blessings, if you have someone or more than one someone. Count your blessings if you can ask for help and get it, if you can find a word of comfort from a friend. Not everyone can find such a blessing.
Oh friend, first let me say that I didn’t mean to paint the picture that people are lining up to help us all day long. That is certainly not the case. In fact, the farther we get from the day he left, the less people tend to think we need. The truth is, we need more now than we did then! My point was that we need to be willing to ask and teach our children to ask!
That being said, I am praying for you. Praying that someone near you will reach out and help. Praying that you will have the courage to keep asking and that someone will hear your cry for help. If your church isn’t willing, perhaps there is another one nearby? I don’t mean to minimize this either, but the church should be helping. They are called to such a time as this. Blessings, friend.
Thank you. There is another church near by. The pastor has offered to help if we needed to pay bills or whatever. I’ve just run out of steam at the moment to ask for help. I can ask for help with physical things but the emotional stuff is what I need. Someone to call and let me know I haven’t been forgotten. I don’t want to upheaval the kids from this church. Not after so many changes have already come. They aren’t being mean, just silent. Being silent is worse than being mean sometimes. Thank you. I look forward to the day we all meet in heaven what a sweet time that will be.
If you are willing, would you please look me up on Facebook? I’d love to connect with you there. I’m the only Kimberly Sorgius, I believe!
Marisa, I don’t know where you live, but if you were my friend I would call you. Maybe your friends don’t know what to say. If your church won’t support you. Go somewhere else who will. Your kids will benefit from it and will adjust. I have been reading a blog that is doing a 31 days to Flourish Friendships. Not sure if you are interested, but you can check it out at Grace for Moms. Hope this helps.
Your honesty touches my heart. I was not sure why I subscribed to your blog – now I am! I am not parenting a hurting child – but I know deep down inside I am the hurting child. I am not a single parent, although at the moment I am operating as one. My husband was laid off and out of work for over a year, and I was not the least bit ashamed to ask for public assistance. My husband now has a job, however the project is in another state. We live in a rural area, have no family here, and sometimes I really struggle with the isolation – even though at times I can admit it is somewhat self-imposed. I am grateful the Lord never leaves us alone, and we can learn to depend solely on Him. Stay strong, my friend – my new virtual friend, and I will be praying for you!
It saddens me that anyone would judge you especially when you have opened up so completely to share your experiences. Hopefully you can see how you have impacted so many in a positive way, and you have to know there are more people you have been positively affected who did not respond. Thank you for sharing. God bless you and your family and all those families who read your blog and are struggling. Thank you for sharing!