I am so far from perfect. I know that.
I also know I cannot do life, motherhood, and this single parenting journey on my own.
So, why is it I find myself in that same place of despair over and over again? With all good intentions I formulate a plan. My heart means well, my intentions are there, but my plan…well…it fails time and time again. Plans to actually do daily devotions with the kids EVERY morning and practice reading and writing with them every day over the summer are some of the things that were in my plan.
Maybe you know what I am talking about? All starts out well. I ‘feel like’ I am in control, I’m actually feeling pretty good, things run smoothly for a while, then something happens to get us off track or sometimes the plan never really gets into full swing. Very soon I become cranky and moody and impatient. I feel like I’m spinning my wheels and eventually I stop…long enough to look around me and find myself looking up from the pit…I created!
So, here I am at the bottom of this pit and nobody knows I am here. Nobody knows because I haven’t talked to anybody about my failed plan, about what caused my moodiness, about my feelings of losing control, and how I am completely frustrated because I am unable to finish what I started. I haven’t talked to anyone about any of it except for myself. I talk to myself all the time, in my own head where my thoughts turn negative.
I focus on the negative and it starts to grow and take root in my heart. Eventually, I feel like a prisoner in my own mind and body. I feel trapped inside. I can see people walking by me, living life. Hello!?! Doesn’t anybody see me? Of course they don’t! They can’t see my heart, they can’t read my mind and its no ones fault, but my own.
I look up from the dark pit and it seems like the circle of light at the top is getting smaller. It is getting smaller because I am sinking deeper.
And then I see Him looking down at me. “I see you”, He says and with outstretched arms He reaches for me and He speaks directly to my heart.
“My daughter, you struggle and your plans fail because you don’t put me first. Your steps are directed by Me. How then can you understand your own way? (Prov 20:24 paraphrased)
His love, grace and truth fill me and He lifts me out and steadies my feet.
“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” Proverbs 16:9
How about you? Do you tend to get out in front of God instead of allowing Him to lead you?
My heart loves the Lord and I desire to be closer to Him. I am still trying to find my way. Every day brings its own obstacles and it’s a daily decision I intentionally need to make…to pray and read His truth. I also accepted reality that summertime for us is more chaotic, with less structure. I will no longer beat myself up over my failed summer plans.
My new plan is this: to commit my way to the Lord and trust in Him and He will lead me.
Have a blessed day!