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  1. “Not in my house”, or “As long as you’re under this roof”, or “You can’t be this way and live here”. All these will backfire upon adulthood.

    1. Oh yes! Totally agree. I tell my kids all the time…you have more freedom here than you ever will. Here you enjoy everything and just have to obey. As an adult, you have to obey, face serious consequences, make perilous decisions AND be responsible for others.

        1. I was just on here bcz I’m trying to improve me and my moms relationship I am 15 and she constantly tells me these things including “get out of my sight” or “you get on my nerves” ” I think your honestly slow” or calls me words she shouldn’t even call her own child they rlly make me upset most the time I went into a hard depression and started harming myself but she told me I faked depressionto get attention I just want our relationshipto get better before it’s late ig. Idk I just felt to comment this… 😐

          1. Kamarah, it sounds like your mom has something going on in her life that prevents her from being the mom you need her to be. I’m so sorry, baby, and please know it’s not about you but about whatever she has going on inside of her. You are good enough and deserve love too, and hopefully she’ll remember that soon because, right now, she’s so consumed with her own issues that she ‘forgot’ that she needs to be there for her daughter.

            Do you have another adult who can show you some compassion and guidance? Maybe an Aunt, grandmother, or a friend’s mom? You could talk to a counselor or teacher at school, and try to focus on your schoolwork, so you can set yourself up for independence as an adult and surround yourself with people who will build you up.

            Good luck, and I would give you a mom hug and good meal if I could.

          2. I’m so sorry you have to go through that! My mom is almost the same and tends to say things that really hurt me. She’s not super emotional like me so she would never understand… But just know that you’re not alone on this. If you ever need someone to talk to I’m here😊

          3. Kamarah, first off I would like to validate your feelings and concerns. Your mother sounds like she exhibits what might be considered narcissistic traits. I say this as an adult child of a known narcissistic parent. I encourage you to draw serious boundaries with your parent. You may need to consider going no contact in the future to safeguard your own health and wellbeing. I wish you strength and resilience as you work to manage your toxic parent. Please seek therapy! And do NOT involve her in your safe space.

        2. Hi my name is Nicole Norris and I live with my mom and my two special need daughters and we live in a verbal house my mom she yells at us and calls me bitches mf she told me that she hates me and my oldest daughter she told me that she wishes I would get the fuck out she has treated me she has thrown things at me She has back slapped me she has never told me that she loves me if someone asked me if I love my mom I’ll tell them hell no I wish my mom was dead I hate living in the house with my mom I asked myself why does she hate me so much she makes me cry cus she hurts my feelings she don’t care about my feeling she told me the only person she cares and loves is Ashley if you have any questions don’t hesitate to call me at (203)864-8764 I just need someone to talk to about my problems thank you

          1. I’m so sorry to hear about what you are going through, Nicole. I would recommend that you contact a church in your area so that you can find some counseling and assistance.

  2. I think number 4 can be legit, but only if the parent has pushed the kids past their limits. A toddler can get fussy if you keep them out until 10:00 pm. At that point the parent has to let some things slide, saying the words may not be necessary. But children do have limits and it is up to the parents to make sure we are not setting our kid up for failure.

      1. One time it was my birthday and my family usually goes to eat or go to the place the birthday boy or birthday girl wants to go. But no… that day went to a place my mom and her friend wanted to go on my BIRTHDAY ! I was. like ok lets just go, but then we went to my mother’s friends house. I told my mom I didn’t wanted to go, like, duh, IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY. But that’s not all! When its someone’s birthday the birthday boy or girl they choose their cake,my mom and sister choosed my cake, and I didn’t liked the cake. Whet it was night I like wanted to cry about the angrier I was. Last year it was the same thing like this year, we went to a place I didn’t wanted to go. And i’m.still angry about that. I know that this thing that I wrote has nothing to do with the things that a parent should never say to their child but I just wanted to tell my story,THAT WAPEND TODAY.

    1. Yeah, I absolutely agree. I agree with all 8 but this one is also very important to point out. It’s important for parents to stick with schedule and routine. Any time your child is up past bedtime (and a logical one) you should expect somewhat irrational behavior and should take that into consideration as they are children and have limits.

    2. I agree. Whenever I do say (usually to my husband or my mom) that my daughter is acting fussy, because she is tired, it’s also tied into an observation of how the day has gone. If she had a short nap, is up later than normal, or didn’t sleep well through the night, her behavior is going to reflect the deficit in her normal sleep requirements. I do try to remember to keep the observation and report separate from what I expect and allow from her, if that makes sense…I try to catch the behavior as early as possible and get to a solution without encouraging her to repeat the behavior. Gosh, parenting is tough! It keeps me on my knees asking God for help and forgiveness!

  3. Thanks for the reminder that all our words are either life or death to our children. I did have a chuckle at the first thing we shouldn’t say, “what were you thinking?” My 12 yr. old son drove my husband’s company pickup through our garage wall/door last week, and we said to him “what were you thinking??!!!”

      1. The grace only goes so far Kim. At the end of the day, parents need to have high levels of accountability. They also need to know they sometimes owe their kids a genuine apology. All parents warrant therapy and a great deal of self reflection both before having and while raising kids… in my opinion anyway 🙃 Signed, an adult child recovering from a narcissistic parent.

    1. Instead of “What were you thinking?” , I have chosen to use the following question, in as calm a voice as I can muster: “What made you think that would be OK?” Sometimes they are caught off guard a little, and they have surprised me by coming out truthfully with an actual reason, which often reveals that the action was actually childishness instead of willful disobedience! Or if not, they are kind of forced into admitting out loud that they knew perfectly well it was NOT ok, and the consequences can proceed from there.

  4. 1). You have no reason to be crying/I’ll give you something to cry about. Your reason for crying doesn’t have to make sense. We need to teach our children that it is ok to express emotion. At the same time, if they are having a temper tantrum we need to teach them that while it may be okay to express emotions, there is a time and place. For example, My son (almost 3) can cry anywhere. If he is crying, kicking, screaming, he needs to do it in his room.

    2). That was a bad boy/bad girl. (Or what a good boy!). People are not bad. We are designed in God’s image. We choose bad behaviors. Conversely, when we say what a good boy, we imply that they are normally bad.

    1. Yes! Yes! Absolutely agree. We need to teach our kids to rightly handle emotion and there are so many reasons to cry. Even Jesus cried (many times)!

    2. Mmm I have to disagree with the premise of this statement ALTHOUGH I do agree that it’s not something we should say. The Bible says “ALL we like sheep have gone astray” and “there is none righteous, no not one.”

      We are sinners and it’s important that children learn they are. Otherwise they will never learn their need for Christ Jesus. But how we deliver that message is vital. It should be done with grace and love and mercy and always with truth and pointing them to Jesus Christ. The example you gave, I totally agree is out of place in any circumstance!

    3. Without seeming like a jerk, I’d like to point out that, yes, people are bad. There is none righteous, and we all fall short, even children. The Bible says we are born with an inherent sin nature that is continually affecting actions…I am clear with my son that when he does something wrong, that he was acting badly. Maybe I’m black and white in my parenting/beliefs. I think things are good or bad, logically and Biblically that’s what makes sense to me…

    4. If only my parents were easy to talk to so that I could explain to them that they always make me feel like my feelings aren’t valid because they’re always saying,
      “Stop crying! You’re such a crybaby, there’s nothing for you to cry about!” And yet they don’t even know how much that really hurts me. It’s like they never heard of the quote,
      “Words cut deeper than a knife.”

    5. Todi I wonder what your alternative solution would be for an autistic child, for example, as your current statement is a little narrow and misses the mark for a lot of kids. I’m concerned with the wording “we choose bad behaviors.” Especially coming from a trauma informed background, these thought processes are very limiting and potentially quite damaging.

  5. first, i love some of these tips. Thanks! I find that the more I work on myself the better my kids are.. I am continually asking for God’s guidance and help! With that said…. we are having issues with my son 4 1/2 who pees in his undies. He is potty trained. He poops in the toilet. He pees in the toilet. He was fine for several months (with the occasional accident.) for the last 6 months or longer he pees in his undies. He knows he does it. He just doesn’t want to stop what he’s doing. we did sticker charts. rewards. punishments. ignoring it all together. pretty much whatever we could try, we have… it gets better for awhile (a month or two without any accidents/intentional peeing) then he starts pees. He is fine at preschool (all morning.8-11:30). He is fine at other’s houses. It’s not every day. and not at the same time every day. Any suggestions?

    1. To make sure of the cause, I would make sure that he isn’t getting excessive sugary drinks at home (that could be the problem) and that he isn’t distracted by activity (does this happen when he is playing a forgetting to potty?). If it’s either of those two, then those issues need to be addressed. If not, it sounds to me like it’s a behavior issue, not so much a potty training issue. If he can hold it everywhere else, he can hold it at home too. There’s only one way to handle a behavior issue: consistent, firm, loving consequences. Perhaps this post would be of help: https://www.notconsumed.com/2012/07/09/parenting-the-toddler-years/

    2. Hi Kathy, My 7 yr old started trying to stop herself from pooping, the results were that she couldn’t and would end up with most of it in her pants. I washed them out, then I got sick of that and threw them out, then i realised it was getting pricey to replace underwear so I showed her how to clean her pants ready to be washed in the machine and told her that if she had messed her underwear she was responsible for the cleaning of them…..it lasted a week and we dont have dirty underwear anymore.

  6. The first one is hard for me. I used to say, “What is wrong with you?” until I realized how horrible that was!! Now, I say, “What were you thinking?” Which I felt was a better alternative. I don’t believe it automatically assumes that the child is stupid, but rather, asks them the question about what was the thought process going through their head at the time. That is if you are using it as an actual question instead of a rhetorical question.

  7. By telling you child, grandchild, that you are proud of them ONLY when they do something right, keeps the child from trying something new or something they need to learn for fear of not winning praise for effort or making a mistake. Guiding rather than scolding allows the child to learn, and teaches both patent and child how to be patient no matter what the situation. Remember you as a parent chose to have this child. Teach love and respect not hate and neglect.

  8. Hi! I really like your blog! You’ve popped up in my Pinterest feed for some reason, and I am definitely adding you as one I follow! 🙂 might I ask you for prayer? I have made so many mistakes, namely with my firstborn. I am trying to unlearn some things, as well as help/teach/train her to unlearn some things as well. Sometimes I have guilt bc it was definitely my poor parenting/teaching that led her to develop some of her behaviors. I feel like a hypocrite, even though the direction I now want to go in my parenting is the right direction. Does that make sense? Of course, I’ve explained this to her, as a sweet mentor friend advised me to do.(mother of six) At times we have to tell our kids,” mommy and daddy decided we are going to do it this way now,etc…, “or “God showed mommy and daddy that this(xyz) is gong to be better for you/ our family.” She says sometimes we have to do that bc we all make mistakes/learn as we go. I still feel like I’m being disingenuous. Hopefully as I get more consistent with what our guidelines are as parents, And walk more confidently in what our parenting vision/approach is NOW, I won t have guilt about what I didn’t do in the past. She is almost five, and I mainly need to put away my fear that I’ve done permanent damage, ask forgiveness, and move forward, giving grace to her as well as to myself and my husband.

  9. Thank you for #8! Just getting here with my 12 year old. I needed the reminder God is bigger than I am, especially in my son’s life. Thanks 🙂

  10. Children are not slaves, obey is an ugly word to use in the context of raising them. As a parent you are not the master to your children, you are a teacher or a guide, ultimately they will make their own destinies. “Obey” is a forceful word and I can see it causing a lot of resentment in the future if used often.

    1. I’m sorry you feel that way. I choose the word obey because God chose it. Since I can trust God, I can trust that no harm will come to my kids or me if we obey. Like many things, society has made it something that it is not. Obeying someone does not make you their slave. It’s a willing choice to submit to authority. Consequently, a choice that keeps you out of jail, free from speeding tickets, and generally a whole lot happier. I obeyed my parents (not all the time of course, but that word was certainly used) and I’m so thankful that they expected me to. I am not resentful that they taught me to respect authority and to be a kind and loving part of society.

      1. I appreciate your response to this issue!! I sometimes feel like a “dictator” explaining to my kids that they should obey mommy and daddy. I’m sure I don’t always voice my expectations in the right spirit, and I do at times use the blanket “you need to obey!” line out of laziness. But, I have also started asking my toddler “are you choosing to obey, or disobey right now?” etc So that they are more aware of what they’re doing. I want to use biblical language, like you pointed out. “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” Colossians 3:20. I can totally see how this can be read as a negative thing, however, God is good and wise, so this is the right thing to be teaching. Thanks again for the reminder!

  11. I agree with everything except some if the solutions. God is not a magic wand. No one should just pray and hope for the best. I feel as though Good gave us the ability to hold our own for certain things. Maybe it’s just me though. I just like to thank him daily and not ask for a whole lot. (Not trying to be a jerk btw)

    1. I don’t take offense to your comment at all and I don’t think you were trying to be a jerk. 🙂 I also agree that God is not a magic wand. You can’t wave Him over things. That’s not how it works. However, His Word does tell us that He wants us to rely on Him for all things (1 Corinthians 4:13). We don’t have strength or ability outside of Him. I also think that He wants us to ask for the desires of our hearts and that He hears all of our prayers. We don’t have to be afraid to ask Him and we needn’t worry that we are asking too much. Ephesians 3:20 says that God is able to do beyond that which we can think or even imagine! That’s pretty awesome!

  12. The hardest thing for me growing up was when my parents would say, “that was a stupid thing to do/say” I always felt they were calling me stupid. Even as an adult, my mom still says it to me sometimes and she is raising my sister’s kids and says it to them. It still hurts too. We have a rule in our house that stops is a bad word and no one is allowed to call things or people stupid ever! We also avoid words shut up !

    1. If Stop is considered a bad word, then how would you ask someone to stop doing something you don’t like? Or politely ask someone to stop? My parents had that same rule for a couple years then forgot about it. I really don’t understand and found it even more stressful to NOT tell someone to stop! Not telling someone to stop is very difficult, and this is coming from a 12 year old. So believe me when I say this. My siblings will be annoying me, and when I tell them to stop, I’ll get into a big fight with my parents and there will be yelling and screaming. It’s your choice whether you want Stop to be a forbidden word or not. I’m just spreading awareness of how I felt with that rule.

  13. Will you ever grow up? change? do better? (they will, but it would help if you didn’t say that)
    Why do you keep doing this to me? (it’s probably not about you)

    I loved this. I’m guilty of several myself. It was a great reminder to re-evaluate the words I’m speaking to my challenging son.

    I suspect others will feel the same, so I featured this article in my 5 on the Fifth post (my 5 favorite posts from the past month). You can see it here: http://benandme.com/2015/01/5-fifth-favorite-blog-posts-january-2015.html

    Thanks, Kim!

  14. “What were you thinking” can be used in a non negative way if you are truly trying to understand how they arrived at that decision or why they made that choice. If you’re using it as an insult like the article suggests, then I agree it can be hurtful, but I use it often to help understand they’re thinking and show my child how to arrive at a better decision. Many times the intention of my child was right they just didn’t go about it the right way.

  15. Are you seriously telling we schould pray for our children to behave ?! What a useless article !

    1. Well, if you do not know Christ as your Savior, then no I would not suggest praying for your children in any manner. That would be useless, as you said. However, if you desire unending peace, joy, and the support that you need from our Creator, please message me. I’d love to help you find that. I am so glad that I don’t have to rely on my own abilities to parent!

      1. I have often prayed for my kids good behavior, particularly at church! Lol. If God can plant ideas, or the right words to say at the right time, in me, then why couldn’t He do that with my kids as well? I would not presume to place limits on our Lord, nor give myself more credit than what is due by thinking I am the one in control.

        I enjoyed the article, thank you!

  16. My mom used to yell at me for crying, when I asked for things (like once I asked if I had the money to buy and pay for service on a phone if I could get one, and she yelled at me and I started crying because I asked very nicely and she was rude about it and she called me greedy for crying.), she made me feel ungrateful and like everything was my fault, I was always afraid to stand up for myself, she hit me and pushed me into the shower because I got lice, her problems were always worse than mine, I could never talk to her about anything because she would find a reason to yell at me or blame something on me, she hit me (never too hard but it happened about once a year), she blamed her yelling on stress, she never could apoligize for anything, she would make me feel small by rolling her eyes at my comments, she always yelled at for me for saying my opinion and telling me I was a child and shouldn’t have one, and that everything I owned (even if it was not bought by her) was technically HERS and so she always got the money when I sold stuff I grew out of, she called me names, and more. I know that I wasn’t a victum of terrible child abuse, and she always told me it wasn’t child abuse. She DID give me a lot of things, like a puppy and a horse and a cat, but she controlled my life and hurt me as well. To this day I still don’t know if that was child abuse, but our relationship was definitly toxic. As retalition I stole food items, made faces at her, created accounts on some social media (the stuff i could get on the internet) that she never let me have, and more. I know what I did was wrong, but I’m a much better person ever since I moved out (at 18) and moved several states away, with my cousin, and got therapy. The only reason she knows where I live is because of following me on social media (although I don’t follow her and I reject her friend requests) and through relatives that we share. She has tried to reach out but our relationship was very damaging to me, and she will not admit that she was wrong, which is why I will not answer. I am very happy now, and I have not seen her in 16 years.

  17. My dad will yell “If brains were dynamite, you wouldn’t have enough to blow you’re nose!” This may sound goofy, but it’s offensive and very hurtful. We sometimes get told this when we don’t do something
    right. Sometimes my mom will shake her head and sigh, then I’ll ask why shes’ mad. She’ll say she didn’t do anything and I’ll just be confused because I swore I saw her shake her head at me! Another hurtful thing my parents say are “You’ve been told this a million times.” Or “There’s no such thing as accidents!” Or “You sit around all day doing nothing while I clean!” (I do a bunch of chores and go to school every week, and the weekends are only 2 days long! How would I have time to sit around doing nothing all day?) Another things my parents will say are “Do you think I like yelling?” (If they don’t like it, then why do they continue to do it???)

  18. My mother slammed her fist on the kitchen counter and yelled she wished she would have killed herself for having me. How can you get any worse then that??? I was around 10 or 12. Everyday she would call me lazy good for nothing. Many more beatings and horrible words. At 14 she through me out the door after midnight with a suitcase and said don’t ever come back.

  19. Some words we have tried not to have in our home are: shut up, dumb, ugly, stupid and can’t. Most stem from my childhood. Works can hurt. I asked them to think of a diff word then can’t. You could say I’m having trouble instead.
    I also wanted to share that our 16yo son asked me why I was looking at him “that way”. I said what way? He shared I was looking at him like he was a jerk. I was not aware I was looking at him with that tone in my eyes. They read my face. It just gave me more reasons to really use what he shared in a proactive way. His younger brother 14 told me he feels the same way sometimes. I have tried to look in the mirror before going to have a discussion just to get a glimpse of how my face looks. It made me think all the more that they need me to handle them with loads of love in my heart which appears on my face.
    Thank you for your ministry. It has been a big blessing to our family.

  20. My mother didn’t want us to use “her” washer/dryer. One day my sister decided to wash clothes. When she heard the garage door open, she rushed to the basement, took her clothes out of the dryer, left my clothes in, and turned the dryer back on. Mother came in, heard the dryer, saw my clothes, and went ballistic. She yelled at me and falsely accused me of wanting to hit her. Then she became physically aggressive. Then she threatened to send me back to the adoption agency. My sister never fessed up. I was 10. Since then, I lost trust in mankind and I never felt close to my mother. I couldn’t even call her mom.

  21. Love the post and ALL the replies, I needed this today.
    One thing I do ask is “is what you are doing showing love or kindness?” 99% of the time the answer is no but this does open us up to talk about showing love and kindness to others the way God shows it to us.
    Thank you all for your wisdom and honesty, it is nice to know I’m not so alone in this struggle.
    May God help us all be more in his image and tame our tongues for the positive growth of our childrens hearts and our future relationships ❤

  22. Hi im a 14 yo boy and I have had some troubles in the past my dad left when i was like 2 and i never saw him again then my step dad came into the story. So i lived with my stepdad for 12 years and he was alright until my mom left for drugs and sex then he started abusing me and my sister physically and verbally for about 7 years then i had had enough so i told my schools principle about what he was doing so we got out of there and i went to a group home then to a foster home and then back to the group home and then i went into a mental hospital then i got out and went to live with my moms mom then i came to my dads mom and dad and i had went through so much i had very bad depression and anxiety and yk a lot more then it started to get better until i started going to a new school. My grandparent who i live with now yell at me saying their p*ssed and their tired of me disobeying them but i do literally everything they tell me to but if im missing one assignment i get my phone taken and get yelled at and i think they are to strict and im going to have a talk with them about it so if anyone has any tips on what to say to get them to stop yelling pls lmk. ik its my whole life story but yeah and i do want to live here they are not abusing me or anything i just think they are a little to strict DO NOT THINK THEY ARE ABUSING ME we are okay here

  23. This isn’t as bad as things I’ve seen in the past, not nearly as bad, but I am an eleven year old and have an okay relationship with my family. I have ADHD and my parents try pretty hard to make my life easier, but my mom will accuse me of lying and I recently began reading the Twilight Saga without her consent and she found out, I know it was wrong and she doesn’t seem too mad. Luckily, it’s only the first book and half of the second, so if you have any tips for what I should say please tell me.

  24. I am an elderly great grandmother to a 3 year old boy and a recently-born baby boy. These children and their young parents are staying with us for a short time for a second time. Their dad is short-tempered and does a lot of rude hollering at me and cruel hollering at the 3 year old. The little boy is full of energy and is extremely smart. It breaks my heart to listen to the arguing. Dad does not play with little son after work and preschool. Grand dad does. Bedtime is a hollering match and little boy is still crying softly at midnight with dad still hollering “shut-up” at him. Mom of course tends to the infant while child keeps asking her to ” pick me up, “. “pick me up.” I will never stop praying for these children. their mom is our grand dtr.

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