How to Think of Better Punishments for Kids
Do your kids ever do things that make your blood boil? You’re not alone! These three steps will help you think of better punishments for kids, EVEN when you’re mad!
I was only about halfway up the stairs when I saw it. The squiggly black line trailed horizontally on the wall as far as I could see, and I thought my heart would stop beating. We were moving out in 2 days, and I couldn’t possibly afford to lose my security deposit.
I ran my fingers along the sharp black line and confirmed my greatest fear. It was permanent marker. My eyes closed almost as if to say, “We are going to need a minute to gain some composure here.”
Yet almost simultaneously, I could feel the pressure rising and the burning in my face. There was only one kid home, so there was no question as to the offender. And that offender was presently on my “very naughty” list.
I know you have been there, too. Standing in the moment when the heat is rising and teetering between reality and the feeling of “someone might die here today.”
Of course, you have no intention of killing your child and honestly don’t want to harm him/her ever, but the heat has just been cranked up, and it’s only a matter of seconds before the explosion.
What do you do?
You and I both know the wrong thing to do, and you and I both know that we’ve done wrong things in this situation, so we won’t dwell there. Let’s look at some punishments for kids we can use when our children turn up the heat.
Table of Contents
How to Think of Better Punishments for Kids
Step 1. The big secret weapon: wait
The moment when your anger is sparked is not the best time to give a punishment to your kids. Waiting is the most effective method of solving a problem. It doesn’t matter how old the child is, you can’t administer an appropriate consequence when your blood is boiling. So the first step has to be to wait until you have calmed down.
This (in my opinion) is the only effective use for “time out.” When I need a few minutes to think about what I’m going to do about a problem, I send the child to his/her bed while I think. Depending on how old the child is and how grave the offense, this could be quite some time.
I would say no more than 5 minutes for any child under 4 (and even that is possibly not appropriate). After age 4, all bets are off. Generally, it’s at least 10 minutes, but it has been known to be as much as an hour.
Also, I don’t actually call it time out. Technically, I call it isolation. I’m isolating the child to protect him, to protect me from saying (or even doing) something stupid, and to give us both time to think about a sensible solution. But it doesn’t matter what you call it. The principle is the same—> you need time.
During this time, you need to evaluate the situation to see what kind of offense you are dealing with because if you misdiagnose the problem, there is little chance of effective punishment for kids.
There are two basic issues in a child’s life: childishness and foolishness. One deserves a consequence every single time. The other might not.
Childishness is the natural result of being a child. This would be something like accidentally spilling a glass at the table, knocking over a plant while walking by, or unknowingly shouting in a place where this is not appropriate.
Foolishness is the exact opposite. Foolishness is any behavior that the child KNOWS better than to do or has been warned not to do, yet still does it.
Step 2. Ask yourself the key questions
Now we need to evaluate the problem by asking ourselves some very important questions.
#1—Did this happen because I wasn’t doing my job as a parent?
#2—Was this childishness or foolishness?
#3—What is the character of the child?
So, let’s break them down one at a time as we try to determine the best punishment for your kids in this particular moment.
#1—Did this happen because I wasn’t doing my job as a parent?
This should always come first because we are indeed the parent. If I am not doing my job, then I can’t hold the child accountable. I find that it is sometimes my fault that something went wrong.
In the instance of the Sharpie marker on the wall, my answer to this question was, no, I was not doing my job. I was busy working on a task and let the 3-year-old wander upstairs without an intentional activity. If I fail to notice or accept this fact, I’m likely to administer an unjust punishment to my kid.
#2—Was this childishness or foolishness?
Since I had never warned the child of writing on the walls, and he was only 3, this would be childishness. Of course, this is something that can take time to think through. Let’s say perhaps the child is 10 and decided to write on the walls. Even if I hadn’t specifically told the 10-year-old not to write on the walls, I can safely assume that she has enough life experience to know that pens and markers belong on paper. In the case of the 10-year-old, the same action is likely foolish.
#3—What is the character of the child?
This question isn’t always a factor, but many times it’s worth considering. Does this child always seem to be getting into the same kinds of trouble? Is his/her heart generally repentant? Does he/she respond better to verbal reprimand or logical consequences?
In this case, it didn’t matter a whole lot. The child was very young, and we’ve already determined that it was really my fault.
Step 3. A fair punishment for kids
Now that I have evaluated the situation truthfully and not in the “pressure cooker” feelings of the moment, I can choose a punishment for kids that is appropriate for the offense.
Given the answers to the first two questions, I can actually see that this is really not even the child’s fault. While he shouldn’t write on the walls, the fact that I had never told him made this situation an instance of childishness, AND I should have given him a more purposeful task closer to where I was working.
Now, this doesn’t mean the kid was off the hook. Together we got a bucket of water and cleanser and began scrubbing the walls. A true childish offense will often lead to the child helping to clean up, fix something, or do something to make it right.
If the same offense had been deemed foolishness, I might have had the child clean the wall without help. I might also have had the child clean the entire wall in the hallway and not just that one spot.
The key to consequences is to make them logical. A poor consequence for writing on the walls would be spanking (love these thoughts on spanking), taking away the child’s bike, or even “time out.” These consequences have nothing to do with writing on the wall and really show Mom/Dad’s anger more than anything. More importantly, the child doesn’t necessarily learn that behaviors have consequences if they don’t more closely match the “crime.”
I wrote a post a few years ago with many great ideas for consequences for kids that will get you started. Just remember, the better the punishment fits the crime, the more effective it will be at changing their heart. And THAT is my ultimate goal! I want my children to know the importance of obedience!
Get more tips here —→ How to help kids obey
So what do you think? Do you find it hard to parent in the heat? What are some great punishments for kids that are working for you?
Another Great Resource
If you’d like to go a little deeper with your kids and teach them the why and how behind obedience, then my Bible study Obey would be a great fit. In this study, we look at four characters from the Bible and what we can learn about obedience from their lives. Click the image below to find out more.
More posts about obedience
- Pointing a Rebellious Child to God
- Is Kids Time Out Effective
- 5 Tips for Your Disobedient Child
- How to Get Your Kids to Stay in Bed
- How to Teach Your Kids to Stop Interrupting
- When Your Child Embarrasses You in Public
- 3 Christian Discipline Questions to Ask Your Kids
- How to Limit Screen Time and Get Your Kids to Obey
- How to Get Your Kids to Listen
Through practical tools & Bible-based resources, Kim Sorgius is dedicated to helping your family GROW in faith so you can be Not Consumed by life’s struggles. Author of popular kid’s devotional Bible studies and practical homeschooling tools, Kim has a master’s degree in education and curriculum design coupled with over 2 decades of experience working with kids and teens. Above all, her most treasured job is mother and homeschool teacher of four amazing kiddos.
I needed this today for sure! I wasn’t really doing my job as a parent very well.
Glad you were encouraged today!
I have 6 kids, the oldest is 9 and my youngest is 10 months. I love your posts but often feel like they do not pertain to me. I think you give excellent advice but with 6 young children there is no way in the world that I can take my 2 year old out to the car mid tantrum during a shopping trip. With 6 kids in tow that just doesn’t seem doable. Having my 8 and 9 year old boys do chores with there hands as a consequence for hitting each other doesn’t get me anywhere as soon as the chore is done they are back to rough housing. When my 5 year old daughter stomps around angry because she was acting up and I sent her to her room things only escalate and I am so furious with her I just want to get away for a minute to think but she literally will not go away from me despite me telling her I need a break from you because I am very angry and I don’t want to hurt you. You would think that having my older three around would be helpful but somehow I manage to be less stressed when the big kids are in school and it just me and my littles at home. I need that to change. Always open to new ideas. I have learned that you have got to have many tools in your parenting belt because just when you think you know what your doing they throw something new and unexpected your way
A-ia-men to that!
Can you get a little bit of help so you can take a few hours for a mental health break? Coffee and quiet are good for moms. I had 5 who were 5 & under at one point, now 12 kids, with 6 of them under 8, 4 with SN. Yes you can haul their butts to the car. Inconvenient as you know what, but you won’t have to do it but once. Boys need to do solid physical activities. They can run yard laps. I don’t send mine to a time out. The littles are either 1) squirrelly or 2) have attachment issues. We sit down and breathe. But they’re in my sight. Keep your chin up. You are in the trenches right now. Praise every.single.thing you see your kids do well. Praise effort. Simplify everything. Fill your home with music (YouTube on the TV is fine. ) be silly with them. It gets easier, and you will see the fruit of your labour. ((Hugs))
Thank you!! I have 10 children, many with special needs too. This is a great reminder!!
I love how your first step is to wait! As a child therapist I have many parents who jump too quickly to disciplining because they feel their child will forget what they did that deserved a consequence. I assure my parents their kiddo will not forget their behavior and they can wait to calm down and think of an appropriate consequence and simply let their child know there will be a consequence. I linked your post on my blog!
Thank you 🙂
Hi kim,
This is the first time I am visiting your blog. I stumbled upon it through pintrest. I loved your post. I have read many places about appropriate consequences, but could never come up with the right ones myself. But your step by step process looks promising. I have a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old. My 3 yr old has not been behaving so well lately, and I hav been screaming a lot at her. But your post has put things in perspective. Thanks a lot for writing such a great post. I am sure you have helped a lot of people.
May god bless you.
What a great post! I have an ADHD son, and I work on finding ways to work through his outbursts and impulsive behaviors in a calm and sane manner. I have used collaborative problem solving with him as well as helping him learn to take “cool down time.” And I take “mama’s time out” too! 🙂 I’ll be sharing this post with my Facebook group and Pinterest! 🙂
My stepdaughter has ADHD, and while I’ve known other kids that has had it, she takes the cake! I literally get massive headaches every time my husband & I have her for the weekend. While I am sure that there are parenting techniques that would help, I really don’t have much advice/experience to add to your collection. I would, however, encourage you to read these blog posts about the drastic effects that nutrition can have on children, esp children with behavioral problems. I hope this helps!
http://www.deeprootsathome.com/evidence-how-foods-affect-childrens-behavior/
http://www.deeprootsathome.com/does-tasty-kill-excitotoxins/
Look at dietary phosphate as a cause of ADHD. Read Hertha Hafer : The Hidden Drug – Dietary Phosphate, translated by Jane Donlin. Website is PHOSADD.com
Try a low phosphate diet for three days, you’ll know immediately if this is the cause. Main sources are milk (but low in milk fat so hard cheeses and butter are ok), Baking powder, almost all preserved meats except prosciuotto. Look out for and avoid food additives numbers -338, 339, 340, 341, 342, 343, 442, 450, 451, 452, 541, 542, 1410, 1412, 1413, 1414, 1442. Citric acid 330, Malic acid 296, Succinic acid 363. Some kids react to tomato sauce.
Our son is super sensitive. I knew it wasn’t ADHD because some days (most days) we had boy from hell and then some days pure angel. Good luck.
I love this article! I truly have never looked at discipline in this way. I am so quick to yell and overreact. I usually get so mad I send my children to bed and then clean up the mess myself. I usually become more angry while I am cleaning the mess and then I shame the child.
Thank you for the advice. I will certainly use it in the future.
Trust me- you are not at all alone. So glad you were encouraged!
This is great and easy to understand – thanks! I have a 3 year old and sometimes I feel like a bull in a china shop myself when it comes to discilpine… all over the place.
I never thought about “have I done my job as a parent”… and I believe that is the source of a lot of the behavior issues. I tend to swing back and forth between laziness and over-reaction. It is me being lazy or inconsistent that I’m sure is very confusing to my 3 yr old. I understand what you mean about spanking not being appropriate for this example. I can’t really figure out if you’re saying you NEVER spank as a form of discilpine (or maybe you don’t want to say — I am new to your blog so I’m not sure). We do employ spanking (not to vent parental anger, and not to do harm.. I feel like I need to point that out because it’s a loaded word). It has helped a lot to send him to sit on his bed and wait, like you said, until Mom can think clearly. Previously I was using it as a knee-jerk response to disobedience, and now am trying to be controlled and consistent about it, while explaining and instructing. It is definitely easy to discilpine in anger (with a swat OR words) so I need to remember that he is not disciplined because he “makes” me feel angry. It’s not about Mom venting her anger. I have had trouble with yelling as well and now am purposefully trying to lower my voice more than normal. (that was a tip given to me by another mom). With a toddler, however, there isn’t much “reasoning” with him going on, and we do spank for disobeying a known command or blatant defiance. (Not EVERY single time, especially if I feel like I haven’t done a good job of explaining what I expect). I read the article you linked to and he does say that there is a biblical case for instances of using the “rod”, which I agree with. Just couldn’t figure out if you had already posted about this topic on your blog or not. I am going to read your one about Time-out next. 🙂 Thanks again.
It’s far too late now to correct my wrong way of raising my son, and I won’t go into details, but if I had it to do over again, I’d raise him God’s way, not my way. His baby sister died before she was born, and he was one ADHD kid, a real handful. He was sweet, intelligent, always active and always curious-and I should have had a lot of help, but thought I shouldn’t ask.
He died in an accident eight years ago at the age of 31, and thankfully, we had numerous conversations prior to that terrible night in which I sought his forgiveness, and he readily gave it. Nonetheless, I live every day with the pain of knowing I wasn’t a great mother, and that I could have done a much better job.
I do hope your post helps other parents deal rightly with their children so they never have regrets if anything happens to them.
I’m praying for you. Thank you for sharing with us.
IMO, parents these days are afraid to yell, or scold or even spank. Obviously we don’t want to do these things, but I have seen kids from parents with very bohemian attitudes, in other words, they don’t yell EVER, they talk to them as if they are adults and try to reason, and basically the kids run the show. I believe these kids may grow up to be selfish adults with no empathy, because they have never been scolded a day in their lives. And yes, kids are kids, but when they do something wrong, even if it’s just childish behavior, although it is perfectly NORMAL, they still need to know it’s wrong. This is how they grow up to be respectful adults. The most important thing is to show them twice as much love and affection.
We got home & as they were getting down from the car I told them to shower ect. I was reading/browsing parenting articles online while I stayed in the car right in front of our house and as usual they didn’t obey….ugh!!! But I stayed in my car to let the “steam out of the pressure cooker” 😀 I went inside after a good while and very firmly told them to do as I had told them to. They did as they were told, took their time a bit less than usual, and the boys horsed around a bit less too. I didn’t go near them because the pressure was building again but cooling off made me see that I needed to be patient if I was to change the situation. They came to me to say good night and went to bed. But my oldest was the one that responded to the situation, made me so happy to see results and proud of him doing so. He hugged me and said he was sorry because he didn’t want to cause me heartache & headaches. Tomorrow I will address the consequences of disobeying but it’s so rewarding to see him react like this. This is what I am aiming for!!!
God bless 🙂
This is my first article I read of yours and am pretty impressed. I also want to read the other wonderful articles linked to this page….. where did you get so much knowledge? I know that you’re a teacher by profession, am I correct? How many children and what ages of children do you have? I know you have sorted topics covering from little ones to teens. I have a lot of reading to do.
Thank you so much!!!
Yes I am a teacher by profession. As of today, my kids are 12, 10, 8, and 5.
I can’t even tell you how much I love this post… Everyone needs to read this!!! Wow. Thank you!
Sounds like you took the same parenting class we did (isolation instead of time-out, childishness/foolishness) – Growing Kids God’s Way. It changed our parenting and gave us a mindset that works. Always good stuff to share, especially from a single mom.
I so needed this today.
As a mom of 4, 2 now adults and two big surprises later in life, I find my patience running thinner and thinner the older I get and the more my young ones test my thinned patience.
I’ll be sharing this article with the hubs so we can both get on the same page. Thanks Kim!!!
Thank you! Very common sense stuff that tends to evade me a lot when it comes to discipline. I need to type out your main points here and tapenon my wall to remember!!!
Do you have any scripture reference to help with this? I would really like to point them into God’s word when administering discipline.
These are the main questions I ask my kids: https://www.notconsumed.com/3-discipline-questions-for-christian-kids/
I really do appreciate your insights. I’m afraid you left out *Pray Always* it probably should be obvious, but as with so many other things – if we ask God for wisdom – He has promised to give it to us – and He is on our side as we try to teach and train up our children to glorify Him, so while we “wait and have a break” from the child who has tested us to the max of our human endurance we need to use that time to pray, – even while we wash dishes (with them helping to dry up) and sweep the floor while they put things they want to keep away, or if they can be left alone, sit down and create something nice while you let off steam before dealing with a particular problem. Though speaking from the experience of 9 children with my oldest being 10, sometimes it is very helpful to (with God’s help) use every bit of that anger/energy to productively scrub off a child &/or their clothes when they’ve somehow gotten into their older sibling’s paints or markers, or shower down an over zealous potty trainee/toilet cleaner, or rinse out mouths if they’ve been feeding a younger sibling the dirt from your potted plants. Or maybe it’s just me that if I had 10 minutes to “wait, or think” about it and cool off – would feel utterly exhausted and overwhelmed – when I should just get on with making them clean it up, and forgive and forget it and move on to mixing up brownies or something better than building up pressure thinking about it, or over analyzing the situation or the child too much! I have been there and done that and it’s not worth it. Do Please try to keep things in perspective, we and our children are all only sinful humans and if it’s a personal failing, don’t let the devil beat you up about it, he always wants to get between you and your child – don’t let him! I find it helpful to remember that Most things really are washable, and if not – then the scrubbing practice was physically helpful anyway. I’ve learned Not to send a young child off to their bed to think about their behavior. Anyone else ever ended up with shredded clothing while they were “thinking about their bad behavior”? Or an 18 sq inch section of silently destroyed plaster picked through the wall, and crumbled all over a bed when a youngster had a screwdriver smuggled away in their pocket? But I agree it does help to take a few minutes – or hours before deciding on appropriate consequences -sometimes! Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath comes to mind though, – do forgive – even deliberate and destructive disobedience or foolishness! Often God will bring solutions to mind when we cry out to Him for help – and if the children need to see you just cry over something occasionally – that’s totally okay too, and believe it or not sometimes very helpful for them, and you too dear mothers. Keep going! God has promised not to give us more than we can handle! His grace will see us through! God bless you all!
Good points! Except that God never promised not to give us more than we could handle. He does promise to be with us and help us through whatever is in our path.
This!!!! Thank you, thank you! I have four children, 6 and under. Life gets crazy. Many times I need a mental break! But i am one to get heated and give a consequence that doesnt fit the crime. This was an excellent, no shame article. God bless you!
Thanks for the help. I need it. Love your posts and studies. They are so helpful
Great article! Thank you!
I wasn’t paying enough attention to the edge of my paper when writing with a sharpie and got sharpie on my countertop. Yikes! Google suggested hairspray, which instantly dissolved the sharpie. YAY!!! Sharing this in hopes that you either remember the sharpie solvent or remember that Google is a great resource for questions.
This was maybe the best article on discipline I’ve ever read. Thank you for caring so much for other peoples families. This is truly a calling from God for you. I recentely read your testiomny blogs and I know you have gone through a lot to get to this point where He is using you all of our lives – thank you. As to this article – can you answer a question for me – how do I handle the need to ‘wait’ before choosing a consequence when pressures are high to get somewhere and you don’t have time to just stop and do the waiting you need to do or even to send the child to their space while you cool off and so do they. So much of life is running out the door to school, or to an activity, or to somewhere and you aren’t just home. Thoughts on this?
I think heart issues are more important than anything else that life tries to demand. If we are late because of an issue, we ALL feel the consequence, but we don’t let it slide. If your kids are older, the consequence doesn’t have to be served in the moment. It can be later.