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  1. This is a great article. Thanks for sharing it!

    My question is: What do you do when your child defies you and rebels during the consequence? I can’t think of what to do besides spank… :/

      1. I too think this is great advice and want to be able to implement it , but I have the same concern as Airline. My son is 2.5 and does foolish things often. I have a very hard time believing he would follow through with the entire consequence

  2. Great article! I will definitely implement the first steps.
    But here is one scenario I often find myself in and I’m not sure how to discipline appropriately in such a way that a lesson is learned.
    My two boys play rough and so engine they fight over toys and will hit each other. They are 4 and 6. What would be a good punishment that might help the child understand why it’s bad to hit?

    1. Hi Nara,
      I would suggest that they find good ways to use their hands (since hitting someone is a bad way to use our hands). Perhaps scrubbing the cabinets in the kitchen? Or some windows?

      One thing I would note though, our best teaching as parents is done when there is no conflict. So helping your boys understand why it isn’t a good thing to hit people should be done anytime OTHER than right after they hit. In the heat of the moment, instruction is generally lost.

      Does that make sense?

    2. I’ve been a nanny for a long time and one exercise that I use is to make the children do an activity together… for example if they are hitting… make them hold hands while walking outside, or simply hold hands I’m the house etc.. as they get older and fifht, make them read to each other. .these have activity ways worked for me 🙂

  3. What a lovely article – thank you! This is something I am working so hard on right now, and I really appreciate a simple mental checklist to run through as I approach high-pressure situations.

  4. Great article! As a mom and educator I’ve used the Love and Logic approach in my classroom and at home- excellent resource!

  5. This is so helpful!!! I have a child who is very determined, and also pushes limits ALL. THE. TIME. which leads me right to boiling blood! This step-by-step approach seems so effective. Can’t wait to read more on your site…

  6. Thank you for this article. I’ve been stressed out and praying for an answer on how to better disciple my wild boys. Your words are an answer to prayer!

  7. thank you so much for this wonderful post! my son is still in the ‘discipline-free’ age (5 months) but it’s never too early to read up on how to be a more grace-based parent.

  8. I love this article but I was just wondering what you do for consequences for actions that don’t seem to have an obvious solution when there’s no coloring on walls, just disobedience, defiance, temper tantrums and such. My daughter is about to turn 5 next month and nothing seems to work with her. We discovered early on that with her strong will, spankings only made her angry and aggressive, not at all obedient. when we’re out in public and can’t do time out or taking things away is when she seems to throw the tantrums. Any advice would be appreciated!

    1. Hi Beth,
      Tantrums are a natural way for a child to exert his/her desire to be in control. Of course, the sooner we learn that we aren’t in control, the better! Sadly we don’t all learn that. I know I’ve seen plenty of grown up throw tantrums in public, too! But we CAN learn it!

      When my kids were younger, we did battle some tantrums. I would simply pick the child up and carry him/her to the car until they could control themselves. The longer you sit there, the more time you will waste. Which means, that the child will need to make up that time when you get home. That might be a loss of some play time to help with chores in the kitchen or an early bedtime. I’ve found this to be incredibly effective. In fact, tantrums in public are rare after you pull that. 🙂 And don’t worry about the groceries. Store managers have been through this before.

      Another thing I did once was when one of my girls were really little (3 or 4 years old) she was screaming and throwing a fit in the car. I pulled into a parking lot and took her out of her seat. I sat her down on the pavement and said, “It is dangerous for mommy to drive when you are throwing a fit, so you will need to sit here until you are done.” I opened the car door and got back in. (Please note, empty parking lot and nowhere for her to really go-she was totally safe, but always use your judgement before doing things!) She stopped screaming immediately and stood there for several minutes. Then the silent tears began to fall and she came back toward the car door as if she wanted in. I got out and helped her in. Neither of my girls EVER screamed like that in the car again.

      Sometimes it just takes us meaning what we say and taking the time to reinforce that we will not tolerate such behavior. Does that help? If there are other specific scenarios I can help with, let me know!

      1. Thank you it does. I’ve just run into situations where we were dropped off at hobby lobby of all places and didn’t have a car to go to. Also what about bedtime where she keeps coming out or screaming? My friend suggested showing her a craft we could do the next day and taking it away if she didn’t go to bed, but my daughter tends to live in the here and now where tomorrow ‘s consequences don’t phase her. Thank you so much for taking the time to answer me!

        1. It’s not abnormal for a child to need more tangible consequences immediately. But unless there is a special need, I would venture to say that she understands and remembers a LOT more than you give her credit for. At least I find that is the case with my kids ALL the time! Parenting is such a fine balance between giving too much slack and not giving enough grace!
          I would imagine that it would have a great effect on her if you had her go to bed early the next day. Something like 30 minutes for every time she gets out of bed. Or if she gets out of bed more than 3-4 times, I’d do like 10 minutes each time. My kids are not fond of going to bed when it’s daylight and when the others are still awake.
          I have an entire post on bedtime. You might find some other tips there: https://www.notconsumed.com/2013/01/09/how-to-get-your-kids-to-stay-in-bed/

          1. Thank you so much! Also what would the consequence be for the scenario we had just now, misbehavior in the store lead to me taking her out to the car, and she screamed, hit me, scratched me, and pulled my hair the entire walk out to the car, then proceeded to unbuckle her car seat (for the first time) and get out. She pulled my hair and scratched me every time I put her back in. I’m sorry for all of the questions I’m just really frustrated because nothing seems to work with her. I really want to handle everything the right way with her, I’m just at a loss for what that is sometimes. I used to get angry and yell. I don’t do that any more but it’s hard in the moment to know just the right thing to say and do.

          2. First, I would hold her hands down and together to keep her from hitting, scratching, etc. Not only is that a danger to you, it’s a danger to her. You are right about the yelling. Angry parents scare children, but not in a way that changes behavior. If you stay calm, it has a better affect on their behavior (and believe me, I know how hard that is). I would also evaluate some more long term ways to deal with her defiance. Is dad involved? Is there a pastor or counselor that she might be able to talk to?

          3. Beth, it seems like you have a twin of my daughter! She does not stay in her room for an isolation period when I need to calm myself and she also comes at me swinging her arms, kicking and sometimes even throwing her toys at me! I’m at a loss as well.

            I love this article Kim. It will definitely help me with giving the proper consequence as I always struggle with that.

          4. Beth, I have a child much like yours. He is 6-1/2 and has reacted to his frustration physically since he was 4. I have found that taking him away (not even far) from the situation when it gets very aggressive like you described. I HUG him tightly until his mind and body can calm down and relax and it has been SO helpful. It helps me to focus my thoughts during this time just by thinking about how much I love him and want to help him – by getting him through this moment and learning how to regulate emotion. When he’s done, we can talk. And I listen closely to his perspective first. Good luck! We’re working hard on this and there are so e days this approach is harder than others!!!

        2. I found gentle but firm physical restraint to be effective. For hitting and scratching, holding the arms down. For opening doors, locking them and/or holding them closed. And tell them, when they calm down, you will sit with them/give them something/get some other little reward. If my daughter is lying down and being quiet, I will sit with her at bedtime. Otherwise I leave the room and if she follows me out, I will steer her back in and hold the door shut.

  9. This is some great advice that I’ll be doing my best to remember once my little one gets older (at six months, she’s a bit young for me to need this sort of info 🙂 ) I love the concept that the punishment should fit the crime – makes much more sense than spankings or plain time-outs and probably leaves a more lasting impression too. Also, taking some time to cool off is something I will certainly need – and to be honest – is something I need to remind myself to do all the time!

  10. Today I gave my 4 year old some bubbles and told him to NOT poor it in the pool. He poured the whole bottle in the pool. Should I give him a bucket and make him empty it? (Smallish Wal-mart plastic pool)

    1. 4 is a tricky age. Sometimes the child is being defiant. Often times the child is just still new at this life thing. If you are certain that he was being defiant, I would consider why this is a problem for you. Then assign a consequence based on that. If my child had done that, my main concern would have been that he wasted the money that I spent on the bubbles. So I would have him do an extra chore to earn the money to pay for the bubbles. (A great extra chore for a little guy would be to take a wash cloth and clean the fronts of the cabinets or even the baseboards.)

      I’m not sure why you would want to empty the pool, but if there is a reason that you are concerned with the bubble liquid actually being inside the pool, then I think that emptying the pool is a good consequence for that. We actually put soap in our pool to make bubbles for fun, so that is something I wouldn’t use myself. (Just because I wouldn’t want to send the message that the bubbles themselves were wrong.) What was wrong was his disobedience- and the waste. Make sense?

  11. I have a two years old sometimes I do get hot headed and yell at him out of anger because I am so frustrated. It rarely happens and I feel so bad after. Most times im calm and I simply tell him to stop when he is doing things I tell him not to do constantly. He doesnt listen. And he has to understand what im talking about because I tell him not to every day. Why does he do the same things over and over? He hits bites and scratches.. yells.. idk what to do.

  12. Wow, this really made me think. About a year ago, my now 4 year old did the same thing, used a permanent marker on the wall and also on the washer and dryer. I was of course furious as we were renting our house at the time and have wallpaper and had (and still have) no idea how to clean that off, we gave him a spanking and told him that was very bad and we were very disappointed in him and sent him to timeout. We knew he knew that was a no-no as markers only go on paper and we remind him that often, but also because of where and when he did it. The place he colored was behind our couch, Snr the time he did it was at night, while we were all sleeping. Now the marker being within his reach was our fault and I realize now that we probably handled that pretty wrong, thanks for the insight on how to handle this since it’s bound to happen again with another hid skmeday!

    1. I cleaned permenant marker off of tiles with hairspray. You could try a little spray on a q-tip to see if it will take it off your wallpaper.

  13. Help please! My son turned 3 at the end of February. We have been working on potty training and he is completely capable of knowing when he needs to go and going in the bathroom. Yet, he doesn’t care if he pees his pants, and doesn’t care where he is when he does. We tried little rewards, where he can pick out a little toy (from the dollar store where they came in packs of more than 1 or2), we tried a sticker chart where he got to put one on a paper each time he went, and we tried “cool” underwear which he loves. NOTHING is working!

  14. Thank you for this thoughtful post! May I ask for some advice…or suggest a future post (or perhaps you have already posted on this and I have yet to read it). My 12 year old boy is FOREVER interrupting and talking over people. He does it to everyone. I know we are handling it poorly since I see no improvement in his behavior. It started out that we would gently say ‘you interrupted’ and I believe we were rather consistent with it. He does this when he has something to say (doesn’t pay attention to those around him and see that they are already involved in a conversation and interrupts), or when he becomes defensive (he’s in trouble for something else). How do I get across to him that he needs to assess the situation and not interrupt other’s, and especially that he is not to interrupt when he is in trouble.

    1. I would consider making it a priority with the highest consequence. Sit him down and explain why it is important to you and to his effectiveness as an adult. Then tell him that you want to work with him to remind him. Perhaps a monetary thing would work with his age. Maybe a jar with $20 in it at the beginning of the month. Then each time he interrupts he has to pay $1 for a rudeness penalty. If he can stop interrupting, he will have $20 at the end of the month. That ought to motivate him to try and correct the problem. You may need to adjust the money and penalty fee or time frame based on how often this really happens. If it’s super bad, you might need to start with 1 week at time. You want him to succeed. You also want the penalty to hurt. Make sense? And yes, I totally need to write a post on this!

  15. Great post! Now If I can remember all your great ideas in the heat of the moment lol! I would love to hear your ideas on dealing with a 3 year old who is very strong willed. When I discipline her she will say, “I’m not gonna listen” with her arms crossed and nose turned up, or she’ll say “NO” over and over when I’m trying to talk. She also storms off every time I ask or tell her not to do something. I’m trying to help her deal with her anger currently because whenever she gets mad at her sister she tries to pinch and hit her as well as screams at her. She’s also very mean to her older sister who’s 6. She doesn’t like when her sister hugs her and touches her at times. She’s get very moody with her sister but then they have moments where they play great together.

    1. I don’t negotiate with 3 year olds. If I need them to do something, I ask. If they don’t immediately begin doing that I pick them up and help them to do that. Not in a mean or nasty way- that will create conflict. Do it in a matter-of-fact way. I also say, “yes mom” as I guide the child to the right thing. My goal is for them to understand the right response.

  16. Hi Kim, I have a big question. I am a retired special ed teacher and have taught many ADD students. This year we have decided to homeschool my 8 year old grandson who has had a rough year or two of school. He and his teacher were at odds all year last year. He was on meds with side effects that no one liked, but they didn’t seem to help him cope at school. My grandson developed such a bad attitude about school, that he just didn’t want to go or want to do any school work. There were daily notes and frequent conversations with the teacher about both academics and behavior. Before Christmas, the teacher stopped trying to report anything positive, just reporting negatives. The situation never improved, bringing about the homeschooling in an attempt to bring some fun and less pressure to schoolwork to improve his attitude about school. My problem is that, even working with me, he doesn’t want to do any work involving writing or reading more than a paragraph. This isn’t new, he’s always disliked these two things. At first, we thought he was having learning difficulties, but have learned that he can read, he just doesn’t enjoy it. As for his writing, he is left handed and has extremely bad handwriting for a 3rd grader, but resists all efforts to improve it. He will act out hoping it will get him out of working, but I am more stubborn than that and wait him out, then make him pay me back time that he wasted. If he continues to act out after two cues, he goes to timeout. At first, he wasn’t minding the timeouts(he wasn’t working then), so I implemented a rule that if he needs two timeouts in a day, he loses computer time (his first love) for the rest of the day. I do the bulk of the homeschooling, since his parents both work, but they are on board with the discipline plan and follow through with restrictions at home when needed. He is off all of his ADD meds and we are using improved diet and essential oils to help calm him. After three weeks, I haven’t seen any improvement in his behavior, which is frustrating for both of us. As his grandmother, I truly want him to be successful at school and in life. As an educator, I love reading and learning about new things and am hoping to pass that on to my little buddy, but I need his cooperation to get that engine started up that very steep hill, lol. Any suggestions on ways to manage his behavior without completely wrecking our school plans and schedule everyday? This is one struggle that our entire family needs to win.

    1. I would consider taking away the computer time immediately. Skip the time outs all together. You might need to tell him that school is so much more important than the computer, that you will need to take it away indefinitely until his attitude changes. That aside, I have a 3rd grader that hates to read as well. She is really good at other things and really would like to focus her time and energy there, but I won’t let her. Reading is the key to every door in life! For me, I make it a spiritual issue. God has called us to love Him, obey Him and enjoy Him forever. He has also called us to share about Him to others. This is our only purpose in life. How can we carry it out without knowing how to read His Word? Helping my daughter to see that did help overall. But there are still sometimes consequences for a bad attitude.

      Practically speaking, I would encourage you to find things that he enjoys reading about and it is also possible that a computer program would help. I love Reading eggs. I bet he would too! http://readingeggs.com/

      1. Thank you Kim, for the quick response with two good ideas. His dad and I have already discussed suspending him from the computer completely until we see an improved attitude, so we will follow through with that. He will not like it, but that is a good measure of how effective it can be, lol. His friends at church carry their own youth Bibles every week, so I bought him his own last year hoping to encourage him to read more, but he found it difficult to read and is reluctant to take it to church. I think I will have him bring it to my house with him daily so we can go over his Sunday school lessons and boost his confidence. I checked out reading eggs and it looks like a good resource for not onkly, this grandson, but with my daughter’s three children, ages 7-10 years, who are struggling a bit in school. The 9 and 10 year olds have some learning difficulties, but love the computer, so I can see how they would like it. I have made an inquiry to reading eggs about their membership to see how it would work with 4 kids. I’m afraid that 4 individual memberships may be above my budget at the moment, but would like to see if I can make it work. Thank you again for your suggestions. I’m loving your ideas for setting up our homeschool program.

        1. Darlene, just because a child can read does not mean they don’t have a learning problem. My husband got good grades all through school, but it wasn’t until college that he found out he was dyslexic. He could read, but hated reading. ADD kids can be incredibly bright. It is just very difficult for them to thrive in the public school setting. If you are disciplined (I am not.), then home school could very well be the best option. They have enough to deal with without being given the opportunities for successes. My youngest daughter came to me with tears…”Mom, when will I be normal?” My response…”You are normal. Everyone has their battles. This is yours. You have two choices. Either let your ADD defeat you, or you find your strengths and use them to make you stronger.” I wish you success, Darlene.

    2. My son has ADHD among other mental health issues. I have found that magazines and an e-reader took him from the worst reader in his class to 2nd place in the entire school. Magazines have short articles that didn’t require long periods of time to read, and e-readers are much like computers as well as having extra abilities like highlighting and increased font. There are also bookmarks that have a clear film in the middle to help kids keep on track with where they are reading. Now he out-reads me.

  17. This was very helpful for some situations I’ve come to. But my daughter is almost 3 and she does NOT listen to me at all. It’s always “no” and the grunting with her. She completely defies me. I say one thing and she does the other. There’s no boundaries. She needs structure but I can’t give her that if she doesn’t listen at all. With punishments I’ve tried time outs, early bed time, no watching mucked mouse during her tv time, and of course spanking. None works. What can I do?

  18. Great article and I can relate to some of the comments posted here. I have 2 girls (now 5 & 8). They love each other but can also drive each other nuts and in-turn make me nuts. My older one can push buttons like a pro….sample scenarios:

    5yo does something she shouldn’t do. I tell her to stop. 99% of the time she does and we are all calm.

    8yo does something she shouldn’t do. I tell her to stop and all spins out of control. She gets mad since she was called out about something. Whether I yell, keep calm, tell her to go to her room, hand out a consequence on the spot…it doesn’t matter. It usually escalates and I get so frustrated. She can be VERY stubborn. At times it seems like she will do little things just to get under our skin.

    I this just ‘normal’ kids stuff… foolishness? She is just a little firecracker. We want her to be able to handle life’s bumps without getting so upset when things don’t go her way. Any advice??? We have talked to her and punished her but it just seems to repeat again and again. Then we get so mad because it is the same thing over and over. What are we missing? Is this attention seeking??

    would love some insight

    1. First, I think this is totally normal. God made us to be unique people and some of us are more stubborn than others. Haha. I have one of these children as well. I wrote about how I handle her here: https://www.notconsumed.com/2014/08/26/pointing-a-defiant-child-to-god/ I think that might be helpful to you even if your child isn’t openly defiant.

      It’s children like this than can grow up to be on-fire missionaries, pastors, and evangelists. As my daughter has gotten older, she has become remorseful over the way she acts (after the fact). I always tell her that God has plans to use her weaknesses for His glory and I can’t wait to see how He does.

      I hope this is helpful for you. I’m praying for wisdom for you as you learn to handle it!

  19. I’ve been a nanny for many years and the logical and p poach to punishments is best.. for example. If a child is mad and stomps off… make them walk up and down The stairs quietly x times. Or if they slam the door make them open. And close it x times. Any punishment that is similar to the crime is best!

  20. This is SO good. My mind is going all over trying to think of our kids most common poor choices and potential consequences. I’ve come up with a few I wanted to share with others and also have a few that I’m struggling to come up with consequences and would really appreciate the input of others!

    – Hitting (bad use of hands) – Good use of hands such as cleaning, helping pick up the dog poo in the backyard, etc.
    – Leaving things in the floor – Those items are put away for a period of time (losing the opportunity to play with them because they are not being taken care of).
    – Biting (bad use of teeth – preschooler, not a toddler) – Bite a bar of soap?

    How do you deal with speaking rudely to siblings or other people? Do I have the child “speak” kindly by praising that person or something else??

    1. Yes, you could have them speak kindly. You could also have them lose the freedom to talk for a specified period of time, since their mouth needs a little time to come up with something nice. 🙂

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  22. Ah, wish I would have read this sometime this weekend. Touch weekend parenting teen girls and I blew a lot of it based on this post. Great post, I tool notes!

  23. Hi Kim,
    You have some wonderful advice here, I’ve been taking notes from comments above too. But what do you do when the kid (5 years old) is just disrespectful? Like if I forbid something she may say “You’re bad” or “I don’t like you” or get an attitude or hit me or reverse the punishment on me (“well, you’re not getting any dessert tonight”). She is one of those strong-willed kids. Thanks in advance,

    Anna

  24. I want to say Thank you for writing this and thje many other articles I have seen. I come from a family where I was screamed at and hot – post war trauma father and a mom too busy to teach me anything. I started to yell a lot at my little ones and knew this was not going to work. I want them to obey and do it cheerfully. I want to be a mom that does not jump to conclusions and takes a moment to keep it cool. With God’s help and with posts like these I believe I can raise some pretty awesome God loving children.

  25. Thank you for this blog post! I so needed this. God has been really making it painfully clear that a lot of my parenting issues are because I am not fully engaging in my job as a mom. I am wanting ease and comfort but He is faithful to pursue and keeps working on my heart little by little. So thankful for the ways He has been preparing my heart so that I could even read this and find hope instead of being defensive. Planning to start using the questions in this blog post tomorrow. And I am just so thankful that I stumbled across your blog. My heart has grown in my love for God seeing how He has worked in your life. Thank you for sharing your story and being so honest!

  26. I am curious how you enforce “no speaking?” I love the idea of losing his freedom to speak (especially if his whining is disruptive in the car). But I don’t think I can reasonably expect him to comply with that (knowing his personality). My son is 10.

    1. You’d be surprised how much weight just telling him that he has lost the freedom to speak will carry. Try it and totally expect obedience. If he refuses, send him away from the family. When my girls were really small I had a yelling problem in the car. I literally pulled into a parking lot and told them to get out of the van. They sat on the concrete right there in the empty parking lot. I really didn’t expect it to work, but I was about to lose it. Know what I mean? After a few minutes I asked them if they could stop screaming in the car. They agreed and got back in. They were so horrified by this event that I never again had the issue of screaming in the car. If they started to get loud, I would tell them to put their hands over their mouths and that was enough to remind them.

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