because of His great love
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For so long I covered it up. I wanted to protect him. I wanted to protect their hearts. I couldn’t bear the thought of revealing the reality of the situation. Truth be told, I wanted to bury my head in the sand. I just couldn’t face any of it. I couldn’t tell them that I lied about the business trips and that he was really down the street. I couldn’t tell them how much it really hurt. People would tell {Read More}
There are days when the darkness surrounds. Days when it’s hard to pray. Days when the “shadows swallow the light” (Jason Gray). It’s here that He meets me. Right where I am. It here that He breathes life into the darkness. At the end of me, He picks up the pieces. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through {Read More}
It wasn’t just in between the lines. Her despair was the breath of every word on the page. Circumstances loomed their dark angry clouds over her family and hope seemed a mere flicker of the distant past. He’s leaving. It’s too late. It’s too far gone. There is nothing I can say to change it. Nothing I can do to fix it. Even God can’t fix this now. My heart is painfully familiar with her feelings. I’ve felt the pelting rain {Read More}
A pink spotted giraffe was perched by the door and tiny pink and purple rattles hung on the chairs. Presents piled high and laughter filled the room. The afternoon promised yummy goodies and sweet friends to love on. Huddled close around the mom-to-be, we marveled at the latest gadgets and the adorable pink dresses. But, with each new package, the discontent in my heart grew louder. It became increasingly harder to fight back the tears. God, why can’t I have {Read More}
When the storms began to rage in our home, I had a hard time finding Christian counselors that would deal with young children and were truly in line with God’s word. But we were desperate for help. I started looking using techniques that were commonly used by grief counselors to help kids that had lost a parent. The results were obvious almost immediately. How to make your own big feelings resource: My children were 7,6,4, and 20 months when I {Read More}
It’s time to stop allowing my circumstances to determine my security. I wrote that sentence laying in a hospital bed, 28 weeks pregnant. The risk of bleeding to death was very high for both myself and the baby. Night after night I cried myself to sleep. Feelings were my worst enemy. Loneliness, fear and insecurity captivated my thoughts. It was a loneliness that few can understand. I had very limited access to my kids and only occasional visits from friends {Read More}
photo credit Years of pictures line my scrapbooks. You won’t find me in them. I could joke and say that moms never get in the picture, but I know that isn’t the truth. I hide from the camera. I don’t want to be in the picture. Whether in pictures or the mirror, I am faced with the ugly. I don’t like the way I look. I don’t like the way my hair frizzes in humidity or the way my nose {Read More}
It was a battle scene straight out of Star Wars. Screaming, squealing and clawing. Hair-pulling, scratching and tears… Alright, maybe it was more like a battle scene out of daytime tv. “I hate you“, she screams. Toys are flying. More scratching and hair-pulling, as I become increasingly aware that intervention will be necessary. With veteran battle skills, I peel them off of each other. Still kicking and screaming they depart to separate spaces to sort out the mess. Lectures, tears, {Read More}
Tears fall night after night. Waves crash on the walls of my heart. With each new day a new hurt taunts my soul. My heart bleeds pain. The pressure on my chest makes every breath excruciating. When will it end? There’s no where to look but up. Nothing to speak but truth. As for you, O Lord, you will not restrain your mercy from me; your steadfast love and your faithfulness will ever preserve me! Psalm 40:11 I claim His promises. I {Read More}
The year was 2003. Tragedy fell harsh around me. Just one week before, we had stared blankly as the doctor revealed that our baby had died. We had prayed over the nursery, held each other, and cried out before our Lord. But there was no heartbeat. I vividly remember laying in that hospital bed awaiting my D&C, listening to weeping women all around me. Through the closed curtains I could easily imagine their faces. I could personally feel their pain. {Read More}
Have you ever thought about that night in the jail? It was a dark prison cell. Beaten unjustly and faced with despairing circumstances, Paul sang praises to God. Praises so loud and bold that the very foundation of the prison was shaken. (Acts 16) Yet, even when the walls came down, Paul didn’t run. He stayed and waited for God to tell him to leave. There was a promise and his actions claimed it. His heart followed. Rejoice always, pray continually, give {Read More}
Holidays. They creep closer day by day. I want to feel the excitement. But I don’t. Decorations taunt me from the Target aisles. Promises of a wonderful life or a happily-ever-after are vivid reminders that my life is not the way it is supposed to be. Tears invade as I face the reality that the day will come and all will not be right. I feebly attempt to fight off the captivity of my brokenness. photo credit The day {Read More}
I lay still in the dark. The emptiness is vast beside me. Again, sleep won’t come and my mind wanders. Fear threatens to take hold. I reach for the truth. But the words aren’t there. I can remember John 3:16 and a few other token verses, but the truth that I NEED doesn’t come. I open the Bible and press in. Tears flow as my God talks to me in the darkness. Night after night we meet here. I become {Read More}
Life was perfect. I followed the formula exactly. Study hard. Go to college. Find a great christian man. Get married. Love the Lord. Study the Bible. Have a few babies. Dedicate them to the Lord. Follow the formula and it will go well with you. This was the promise that had resonated in my soul from childhood. Do the right thing and God will bless you. Your life will be perfect. But darkness crept in. Waves came crashing down on {Read More}
I have a confession to make. I used to stand in church and watch the hand-raising type of Christian and feel embarrassed for the poor soul. Yep. Just keeping it real. I was way too cool to do something like that. Or maybe not cool enough. Either way, I wasn’t doing it. Then HE changed me. I lost everything I thought I had. Everything I had ever wanted. All fell apart and I was left empty. From you comes my {Read More}
This blog is the story of a broken girl living in a messy world. A girl who was once consumed by the circumstances, but is now consumed with the love of Jesus. I invite you on this journey as I daily give God the pain and invite Him to fill the emptiness, choosing never to be consumed by anything else again. Read More...
