5 Tips for Your Disobedient Child
Are you struggling to parent a disobedient child? You’re not alone! Here are 5 tips for parenting your disobedient child.
When I was a first-grade teacher, I often found myself fielding questions on this topic. What was supposed to be a parent-teacher conference about academics often turned into a mini-discipline session. Parents were desperate for answers to the age-old problem of obedience.
In some ways, my child development training and classroom management helped give me great insight to share. So I can’t blame them for asking. But when I think back on it, I can’t help but chuckle about how little I actually knew.
It’s funny how that works isn’t it? When I eventually became a mom, I learned that I knew nothing. I learned that it was so much harder than I had ever dreamed. (Yes, in some ways I think a classroom of 28 first graders is still easier.) And I learned that there are some secrets to this gig that I was never privy to as a classroom teacher (see #4). I’d love to share a little of that with you.
Table of Contents
5 Tips for Your Disobedient Child
1. Don’t give a disobedient child too many chances.
We’ve covered this before, but it bears repeating: STOP counting to three. Mean what you say and say what you mean. EXPECT obedience the first time. Yes, I know that counting gets them moving. Yes, I know that your kids might even respond before you get to three. You are missing the point. By EVER counting to 3, you are teaching them that whenever you give a command, they will have at least 3 chances to consider doing it.
This is not the message you want to send. Give a command, and then give a consequence if the child doesn’t do it. Every time. It won’t take long before they know that you mean business when you say things.
If you find that you really feel compelled to give some sort of reminder to a very young child, try saying something like “I need you to obey.” This will remind them that there is indeed a consequence coming if they cannot “get off the fence” about your command.
2. Give clear and sensible instructions.
When you tell your child to do something, stop and think it out first. Make sure your words make sense and don’t contradict themselves. A silly one would be “close your mouth and eat.” I’ve been guilty of saying this one, and we always laugh because it’s impossible to do that! (Don’t worry, it’s okay to laugh when you say something silly as a parent—why not?)
We also want to avoid hypocritical commands. In most cases, if our children shouldn’t behave in a certain way, then neither should we. Yes, there may be exceptions to this, but we should be very careful not to make very many. Our word is trusted only if we really do what we say.
3. Consider your disobedient child’s developmental ability.
Don’t forget to consider your child’s ability here. Remember that young children can follow ONLY one command at a time. You tell a 3-year-old to put his PJs on. You don’t tell him to get a drink of water, brush his teeth, put on his PJs, and get into bed. Trust me: that will NEVER happen, and you will end up with a frustrated mom and an exasperated child.
Around ages 4-5, children can handle multiple commands, but the transition is slow and every kid is different. Try two things and see if they can handle it. Then work your way up to more. Unless it’s a regular routine, even a 10-year-old is going to struggle with a task that involves 5-6 steps that are new to him.
4. Use your God-given authority.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news here, but as your children grow into the moral reasoning stage (approximately ages 6-12), you had better come up with something better than “because I said so.” If they don’t throw that out in these years, they will certainly do so in the teen years. You have more authority than that, and you should use it.
Sit down with your disobedient child and show them in the Bible where God commands parents to train their children and discipline them (I’ve got a great Bible study to help with this). Then show them the verses that tell them to obey, listen to, and honor their parents. Don’t do this when they are in trouble. Do this as a teaching time when things are calm. The TRUTH about this will go a long way in helping them understand that you indeed have this authority to be in charge.
5. Teach them why God wants us to obey.
This one piggy-backs on #4. Kids need to know that parents are an authority appointed by God, but there are so many other reasons to obey. The Bible says we are to obey because it shows God that we love Him. Which means if we don’t obey, what message are we sending? Mm-hmm. When we act like rebellious children, we’re saying we don’t love God. There is also great blessing in obedience, it’s the perfect witness, and it pleases God.
I know that you want to help your kids with this. It was out of my own struggle with teaching my kids to WANT to obey that I wrote this Obey Bible Study. I’d love to share with you the peace that we have in our home as a result of teaching my kids exactly what God says about obedience. The Obey Bible Study is part of our Relationships Series, designed to teach your kids Biblical principles for developing and strengthening Christian relationships. Each bundle contains five age-appropriate Bible studies: Obey, My Brother’s Keeper, Making Peace, Becoming a Servant, and Navigating Friendships— plus, some fun bonus items!
What tips do you have for parenting a disobedient child?
So what do you think? Are you guilty of any of these as you parent a disobedient child? The truth is we are often guilty of these at various times. Not all at once, but they can creep in and consume. Don’t get discouraged, Mom. Keep at it. We can do this!
Get more tips here— How to help kids obey
More posts about obedience
- 21 Consequences for Kids That Really Work
- How to Think of Better Punishments for Kids
- Is Kid’s Time Out Effective?
- Teaching Your Child the Importance of Obedience
- How to Get Your Kids to Stay in Bed
- How to Teach Your Kids to Stop Interrupting
- When Your Child Embarrasses You in Public
- 3 Christian Discipline Questions to Ask Your Kids
- How to Limit Screen Time and Get Your Kids to Obey
- How to Get Your Kids to Listen
Through practical tools & Bible-based resources, Kim Sorgius is dedicated to helping your family GROW in faith so you can be Not Consumed by life’s struggles. Author of popular kid’s devotional Bible studies and practical homeschooling tools, Kim has a master’s degree in education and curriculum design coupled with over 2 decades of experience working with kids and teens. Above all, her most treasured job is mother and homeschool teacher of four amazing kiddos.
I absolutely love this. The Lord has gifted you with a lot of clarity on the topic of obedience and it is a blessing for me to learn from your wisdom. I will be sharing this on my Facebook page!
Thank you!
I really do agree with most of these points for typically developing children. My main concern is neurodivergent children with developmental ability different from their age or kids with trauma or any other mental illness. It does muddy the water in my situation to where not EVERY child is going to be hitting those milestones at those ages, so it does warrant allowing kids multiple chances to get things right. God doesn’t lay the hammer on us every time we mess up. Also, there is actually a book about the 5 Second Rule for adults to count 5-4-3-2-1 to motivate themselves to do something, and I’ve found doing that was actually a pretty good cue for my son even up to age 7. I’ve stopped doing it recently because he is older, but it really did help us a lot.
Praise God! Thank you for this blog. God bless you more!
I was a single mom for 18 years, so when I read your writing, for me it is a matter of reflection. I’m always asking myself, “Did I do that?”
One of the tips that stood out the most for me today was Lead by Example. So many parents today tell their kids its important to do something, or not – but they do the opposite. Like eating vegetables, its important – but then you don’t see mom eating them, so…
We had an issue with a popular movie once. I would not allow her to see it, and I didn’t watch it either. She finally did see it at a friend’s house, and she understood why I didn’t want her to watch it. Even though I lost, it did make an impression on her and she does make better choices. Does that make sense?
I was guilty of the 3 strikes you’re out practice. Looking back, I think it leads to the practice of putting things off. Hind sight is 20-20, right?
really great ideas here. I like to think that I demand obedience from my children, but the reality is that sometimes I give way too many chances. My problem is what consequences to give children when they don’t respect your authority! I have 4 yr old and 6 yr old boys. I would love suggestions!
Thanks!
You might find this post helpful: https://www.notconsumed.com/consequences-for-little-hearts/
I worked as a 2 and 3 year old teacher for years and I thought I knew everything about getting children to listen. Now, I have my own 2 and 3 year old and I realized how wrong I was. Thankfully, my husband works from home so he can remind me not to make threats or say something I shouldn’t and I can do the same for him. We mess up but we are still learning!
Love it. And I love that you know that your hubby has every one best interest in mind by supporting you! Such a beautiful picture.
These are great. I completely agree with you on all of these. When my kids were younger I used to say something and then follow it up with, Ok? Clean up your room, OK? I realized that I was asking their permission, and not actually being the parent. I also learned not to give a punishment that I wasn’t willing to follow up on.
Your blog is darling! Keep up the great work!
Thank you for your sweet words. Blessings to you!
Great atticle ! Ithought I had it good after teaching preschool, 2years through pre-k… I had it all planned out. But God blessed us with a difficult birth and a baby that was shocked to be out of her comfy home. From then on she had special needs: sensory disorders, learning difficulties/AdHd, OCD, and trouble regulating her feelings, which are always big ! So it was hard for her to obey, so it was helpful when she had a warning of the change and enough time to transition from one activity to the next. All children obey better when we adults respect their play as important and give them a little warning. The Bible says, “Father’s don’t antagonize yout children”. Respecting your elders is important if you want your choldren to obey. However I want my children to not just blindly obey me,.but accept my leadership the way the disciplines accepted Christ’s. They need to obey me out of love, because I loved them first and am showing them Christ. But they need to grow in independence holding all decisions to the Word and seeking the wisdom of their elders. So far, at 17 1/2 it’s gone well, as long as we respect her special needs and praise God for her: intelligence, beauty,humor, ingenuity, faithful,determined, creation of God. God blesses us each day that we csn be together as a family with her brother and just live life.
Thanks,
April
Wow. I had a rough day today w my 3 children. I have a 10 year old girl, 4 year old girl, and 2 year old boy. I feel as though I going a billion directions and at most times screaming and speaking out loud of giving up. Now, I feel terrible admitting my issues but, I know Im not the only parent w 3 kids struggling with these issues.I have been desperately thinking that I need some direction and authorities around this household. When I saw this…..I was drawn to it and immediately read it. I can not wait to share the bible verse w my oldest child …mostly. Im sure my 4 year old would understand to a point also. What an amazing idea to do so. Amazing advice! Every day I count to 3…well 2 sometimes…a thousand times. I can not thank this author enough for sharing such great information on what they’ve learned from teaching and parenting. I will definitely follow all from this author….thank u so much for taking the time to write and share such excellent advice. God bless
Glad it was encouraging for you. Love it when God does that!
There is so much bad parenting advice out there. I generally have to read 10 articles to find one good one to pin. I LOVED this. Excellent advice!
I was very surprised, and impressed to read that the writer suggested pulling out the bible when teaching children discipline. The word of GOD is a powerful tool for parents and children on life and appropriate behaviors. Kudos to the author. Great advice. By the way, I raised 6 wonderful children following Godly principles!
Is great. To read this I love it !!!!
I love this! I can so relate to it – my advice to parents is so different now that I have children of my own! #1 is so, so, so important. And it’s the hardest for me when I’m tired!!
#3 is huge too. I constantly need to remind myself to align my expectations with what is developmentally appropriate for my sons based on their ages. It is so easy with all the pressures in our society today to expect too much of our kids, and that’s not fair to them or to us.
I’ll be sharing this on my fb page – http://www.facebook.com/smartcookiela 🙂
I was trying to explain to my children the other day just how bad disobedience really is. I was explaining the first ever act of disobedience caused the world to fall into sin and now look at it, all this
(for want of a better word) mess from one single act of disobedience.
I’m pretty sure God really dislikes it knowing what it causes.
I really struggle with #4, even though I’ve shown them time and again from the Bible the verses you suggest. I also struggle with #1 because I have no idea of good consequences. I have read the ‘creative consequences’ post and had some good ideas there, but I forget to follow through after a couple of days because the behaviour hasn’t changed by then.
This solo parenting gig is no walk in the park, that’s for sure.
Those are some very valid tips. Being the example isn’t easy, but it is critical not only to the kids, but also to your personal walk with the Lord. Disobedience to God’s principles will destroy you and everyone you, including children. Put God first in your life and everything else falls into place. I’m are not suggesting that we will become perfect, that is not possible. But if we react with repentance the Lord will cleanse and guide you through all things, joyfully and with confidence.
Greatly appreciate your biblical way of approaching obedience. We often fall into the habit of just giving them chances and threats instead of dealing with it right then. It’s easier, but it’s not the best, or the right way at all.
Thank you for this!!!
We definitely don’t always get all of these right. But one thing we did/do, that helps with #4 and #5 is had/have our children memorize Colossians 3:20 as one of their very first memory verses shortly after they can speak. “Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord.” (I personally prefer that over the Ephesians verse if we’re picking one, because I’d rather focus on “pleasing to the Lord” than “right.”) This gives us something that’s already in their little minds and hearts that we can appeal to as you described in #4 and #5, from pretty early on.
I wonder if this will work on 13 to 16 year olds…I came late to the game of Christian parenting and hope there is a way to get them to hear me. Great article! Im going to use this with the children I teach at work!
Girl, you need to have your own talk show!!! This advice is invaluable and I’m always so grateful when I see someone that is not shy/timid about their faith! Thank you for doing what you’re doing!
Aww thanks for your sweet words. Me and a talk show would be pretty hilarious I must admit. One thing I’m certain of- they could never contain me to 1 hour. 🙂
Some of these tips are great but number 4 and 5.. I do not believe in god, so perhaps you have some other tips?
Unfortunately, I don’t think you have much ground to stand on without God. Why bother obeying if the world has no real meaning and there is no true authority?
You speak about not giving them too many chances and just telling them the action they need to perform n its consequences. My girl of 18months starts to cry if i say no to something that she’d like to do. If she wants to go out to play n i tell her to finish her meal first then she can go.. She throws a tantrum n wouldn’t stop crying till i take her out.
I’ve left her crying for 30 to 45mins so i know she would keep crying for hours if i don’t let her do what she wants. What do i do to make her obey me?
18 months is too early to get to her heart. During this time, focus on being the authority. Be loving, but firm. Don’t give choices. And don’t ever give in to her demands. If you decide she needs to finish a meal before going on, don’t back up on that. If you do, she will forever be in charge. Let her throw a tantrum. Walk a way and ignore her. Eventually she will grasp that she can throw 100 tantrums and you won’t budge. And who cares is she cries for hours? It’s up to her to choose to obey or not. She will stop crying when she doesn’t like it anymore. But again, at this point you’ve taught her that you will eventually give in if she endures. Break that habit and you’ll see a change.
All of that said… be patient. She’s young. Obedience is a process most adults are still working on!