How to Cultivate Brother and Sister Love
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Do you ever feel like you’re failing to help your kids cultivate brother and sister love?
Let me tell you a story!
The sun was baking our skin off and the freedom of summer called our names. But I made all three of my big kids sit down and take a spelling placement test anyway. I won’t lie, there weren’t many “happy hearts” sitting at that table, including my own.
I called out the words to all three of them, figuring that the youngest wouldn’t get many correct and that the oldest was going to breeze through it. Despite their age differences, they were all still supposed to start with this placement test, so it only made sense to get it all over with at once.
Until I saw the tears. We had finished grading the test and one of my children had scored the lowest out of all three. And she wasn’t the youngest. She was embarrassed. Jealous. And pretty much just downright mad.
I had totally failed her. And I had just deeply injured all of the work I’d done trying to cultivate brother and sister love.
I knew she wasn’t going to do very well. I even had a sneaking suspicion that her brother would blow her away. But I was more concerned about saving time and getting it done. I didn’t even stop to consider the effect it would have on her.
Ironically, that night we were working on Week 2, Day 3 of My Brother’s Keeper and the entire message was about putting your siblings above yourself. I found myself shrinking deeper and deeper in the chair as the conviction washed over me like a hot shower on a sunburn.
I didn’t put my daughter above my own desire to get it done faster. I didn’t even stop to consider her at all. And worst of all, I had set her up to dislike and cause dissension amongst her siblings.
Parenting is hard enough without this fleshly beast of “self” that I carry around on my back. I went to bed that night wishing it was easier, half ignoring the real need for me to change something.
But I couldn’t let that little episode go. The next day I called her in and asked her to forgive me for not thinking of how she would feel about going up against her brother. I reminded her that God gifts us all in unique ways and we talked about how it wasn’t so much spelling for her. We laughed and hugged and she sang me the latest song she had created.
As I think back on that day I am reminded that our job as parents is not an easy one. It’s far easier to fall short and disappoint. But I’m also reminded that God has put these children in my care and He indeed wants me to protect them not just from the evil of the world, but also the snarls of their siblings. How can I do that if I’m not careful with my own behavior? Ephesians 6:4 spells out this command like this…
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Have you ever considered the ways that we as parents might be provoking our children to anger, causing strife amongst siblings? I’d love to share a few of the ways I’ve thought of.
Table of Contents
How to Cultivate Sibling Relationships
Brother and Sister Love Doesn’t Compare
This one probably comes as no surprise to you, but you probably don’t realize how much you do it. Even if it’s ever-so-subtle, comparison of your children will not only harm their self-worth, it will create a volatile battle ground between siblings. Not comparing means we don’t talk about how Johnny is better at math than his brother. It also means that we are intentional about protecting them, too. Don’t pit them against each other in a math facts contest.
Yes, a little healthy competition could be good for children when their peers are involved, but siblings are not peers. Don’t use one child’s weakness or strength to motivate another child. It’s a costly mistake when it comes to sibling relationships.
How to fix it ~~~> Instead, help them appreciate their uniqueness. Praise each child for things that God has uniquely gifted them with. And then have their siblings share things, too. Sometimes we do this while driving. I call it a “pat on the back party.” I name a particular child and then we take turns sharing something we love about them or something we saw them do well this week.
Brother and Sister Love Isn’t Jealous
Ok, so this is a piggyback on number one, but it bears mentioning. Are you content with how God gifted your child or are you constantly pushing him/her to be more like a sibling (or a friend’s child)? Your immediate gut answer is no. But it’s probably not the whole truth. Just think about it for a minute. Are you ok with your child’s academic struggles? How about their athletic struggles? In your heart of hearts, do you want them to be an amazing musician?
If you answered yes even a tiny bit, then it’s time to step back and appreciate what God is already doing in their lives. Our society has already produced way too many copycats. God is amazingly creative in the way He gifts each one of us. Our job is to find that gift and use it to glorify God.
How to fix it ~~~> Spend some time praying and asking God how He has uniquely gifted each of your children and then ask Him to help you stop pushing them to achieve in other areas. (I’m not saying that means non-academically inclined kids should quit school, but it would be ok to let up on the quest for MENSA scholar, ok?) Find one specific way that your child can use his/her gift now. Perhaps music lessons, art class, a debate team, mission work. Anything!
Brother and Sister Love Isn’t Selfish
When I was growing up, every single thing I owned had my initials on it. When my sister got a gift, so did I. And it was always the same. My mom worked diligently to keep us from fighting. But actually, this practice does the opposite. When we start labeling and staking claim on property, sibling squabbles are right around the corner. This practice creates entitled children who can’t share anything. So, step away from the label maker!
How to fix it ~~~> If your kids are young, start them off with community belongings. Keep the toys in a central place and encourage them to say “ours” and not “mine” when referring to possessions. If your kids are older, sit them down and tell them you’ve taught them the wrong thing. It’s totally ok to do this and will go a long way in teaching them what to do when they make wrong decisions. Explain to them that you want them to share their possessions and not feel as though those things belong just to them.
Brother and Sister Love Isn’t Possessive
Growing up, all I ever wanted was my own room. Maybe you felt that way, too. It’s funny how we desire that though. Once I left home, I had a roommate for the next 16 years! And I’d still have one if I wasn’t single. All those years practicing with my sister paid off. And that is exactly what I tell my children today.
We are not harming our children by having them share rooms with siblings. In fact, it goes the other way. About six months ago we moved into a new home that had an extra bedroom. I allowed the girls to each have their own room. There were some extenuating circumstances that led to this, but the results were clear. The sibling squabbles have not at all improved. In fact, now they are worse. We are constantly dealing with their hearts over the issue of not allowing others into their rooms.
How to fix it~~~> Obviously, keep siblings in the same room! Avoid assigning designated spaces of any kind, aside from a place to put personal items (like clothes, toothbrushes, keepsakes, etc.).
Brother and Sister Love Isn’t Self-Focused
Last spring my sons played soccer with a local community group. I was surprised as I glanced down the sidelines at how many siblings were not engaged during the games. They were playing on electronics, doing homework, or some other activity. This went on every single week.
This kind of practice bugs me because we lose the opportunity for family-building when we feel the need to be entertained while a sibling is playing a sport. When the girls were in a recital, I didn’t allow my sons to play games. Why would I let the girls do that during the activity the boys enjoyed? I believe participating in the lives of siblings leads to the kind of relationship that we are trying to build. And consequently, it decreases sibling fighting.
How to fix it ~~~> I love to try and find activities that allow all (or many) of my children to participate together. For example, my two oldest are in a community choir two days a week. This cuts down the taxi mom syndrome, too. But if you can’t find that, put away the electronics and talk to your children during the game so they can stay engaged in what their siblings are doing!
Need more help with sibling relationships?
In case you’d like a little more help with sibling relationships and teaching your kids to desire that brother and sister love…
- Teach your children the 6 special reasons God gave them siblings and how to foster sibling love.
- Help your kids learn how to build strong sibling relationships.
- Learn the truth about kids fighting and how to stop it.
- Here are 8 awesome gifts for siblings!
The My Brother’s Keeper Bible Study is part of our Relationships Series, designed to teach your kids Biblical principles for developing and strengthening Christian relationships. Each bundle contains five age-appropriate Bible studies: Obey, My Brother’s Keeper, Making Peace, Becoming a Servant, and Navigating Friendships— plus, some fun bonus items! Check out the collection!
Are you guilty of any of these? What ideas can you share? We’d love to hear your ideas for cultivating brother and sister love in our homes!
Through practical tools & Bible-based resources, Kim Sorgius is dedicated to helping your family GROW in faith so you can be Not Consumed by life’s struggles. Author of popular kid’s devotional Bible studies and practical homeschooling tools, Kim has a master’s degree in education and curriculum design coupled with over 2 decades of experience working with kids and teens. Above all, her most treasured job is mother and homeschool teacher of four amazing kiddos.
So, I have a question for you. We have a three and half year old and a four month old. The big brother never had to share anything until four months ago, and I had never thought ahead to teach him, unfortunately. Now, although I try to teach him to love his baby brother as gently as possible (and most of the time he really does try!), there is still a lot of jealousy. Today he started saying “I want to kill Isaac” repeatedly (because they were in the same room). How in the world do I handle that kind of intensity from such a little guy? My own brother and I never got along and he still won’t talk to me, so I don’t have much positive experience to draw on. Do you have any suggestions? Thanks in advance!
At his age, I would not fret too much about his heart condition. You are the guide and he needs your help. I would tell him that it’s not acceptable to say something like that and that you know he doesn’t mean it. I would also encourage him to try and figure out what he is really feeling. For example, as him what specific actions bother him. If he can’t come up with any kinds of feelings, sit down and teach him the different kinds of feelings. It’s likely that he isn’t able to articulate what he means. It’s ok to feel jealous. It’s not ok to sin as a result. Tell him that you want to make sure that he knows that you love him just as much and that you want to spend time with him just as much!
Thank you so much, Kim. Sometimes I fear for his heart, so it’s good to know that this is common toddler stuff. I appreciate your work and read through old articles regularly. 🙂
We had the same age differences with our children. It is an adjustment for the whole family. We addressed this issue with two approaches. The first was to impress on the older sibling that this baby was theirs. Theirs to love, teach and eventually be their buddy. The second was to set up a special older sibling event tha gave them a one on one time with mom or dad. It could be something simple as helping dad fix the car, go to the hardware store, or something responsible that was something they could do to feel grown up. Then we impressed that the baby couldn’t do “said event” because they weren’t old enough, but the older sibling could teach the younger sibling later, when they were older. This gave my children a sense of purpose and belonging. It made them feel important as an older sibling. Worked for us & our 6 children.
Don’t agree with sharing everything. We had rules of ownership to teach respect and gave them the opportunity to share. Family room was the sharing room. Anything you brought out there had to be shared with family. Bedrooms were opportunities to demonstrate hospitality like you would to a neighbor or friend. We practiced with our siblings so that when they hit the real world, they respected boundaries but could share.
I like what you say about not sharing everything, but teaching respect and boundaries as well. I think your view is extremely balanced- in fact I very much appreciate everything you have written in this post. Thank you!
I have a similar age gap. My daughter is the eldest, now five and a half and my son nearly two. I think it is hard when the older one is old enough to be used to having his or her own space and belongings. You can’t suddenly take these away and say everything has to be shared. I disagree with this post a little bit because it has been important for her to have her own space and own things separate to his. It’s the only way we can all get a bit of peace in fact – although of course we try to encourage them to share as much as possible. But if she didn’t have this, I think she would resent her brother even more.
What a wonderful reminder!! I am always so encouraged by your posts. I really find that not allowing friends to be over all the time or the kids constantly going to a friends home really helps to strengthen sibling bonds and decrease fighting.
Yes, that’s a good point, too!
Your suggestions are great. I especially agree with the toys not being labeled. Ever since our son was born we have taught our daughter that we do not say “mine” when it comes to toys and to politely take turns. However, I do somewhat disagree with the no separate rooms statement. Some kids, even very young ones, need their own space to have some alone time. My husband and I have our own spaces where are able to go and I think our children deserve the same. They are people too, and are allowed to have (respectful) emotions of their own that they need to handle. However, they are not allowed to “ban” anyone from their room and they actually often go into one another’s room and read books and spend time together.
Great points. I have a great example of the “labeling toys” one, and something to add to it.
When my two oldest, only 19 months apart, were little, fights over toys were CONSTANT. And I tried having them share everything…there were no labels. Now, they DO share everything, save diaries with a lock and a few other specific items. And they do so without any fighting over stuff. How so?
Well, when my youngest was just learning to crawl was when all the drama over toys started. Up until that point my oldest LOVED his baby brother. But then his baby brother started crawling up to him playing, and grabbing his toys. And he responded by hitting him. At first my response was to punish the oldest for hitting and try to get him to share his toys. But one day I was watching them, and suddenly I could see it from my oldest’s perspective. Here he was minding his own business playing with his toys when his brother STOLE them. Sure, his brother didn’t know it was stealing…but, that didn’t matter. It still felt like stealing to the older brother.
So, I started watching more viligently for when the youngerst would angle for the oldest’s toys, and I started saying to the little brother, in a voice firm but not too harsh…don’t take that from “N***”, he’s playing with it! That’s not nice.” And then I would block him from stealing it, or give it back if he had already grabbed it. Sure, baby didn’t understand much of that, but big brother did, and I could tell he felt “defended.” Then I would say to him…is there a toy he CAN play with? And soon, as soon as he saw baby brother come for his toys he would run and get another toy and hand it to him and say “Here, you play with this!” Eventually, he would let him take turns.
Also, after Birthdays and Christmas I would let a toys be JUST FOR THEM, but only for a week or too…then I would say, now it’s time to share it. And if there was a set with more than one of something in it, I would make them share part of it right away. A few special lovies I let them have full control of (That’s K**’s special toy! You can only play with that if you ask him.).
Then once they had money (Christmas money from Grandma) I pointed out that they could buy a BIGGER lego set if they pooled their money and shared it, and that was the beginning of the end of “this is mine.”
(Wow…that was a lot. Sorry, I have a bad habit of starting my own blog posts in comment’s on someone else’s blog…I do believe I’m gonna copy paste that for later. *Grin* Thanks for the inspiration!).
I agree so much with you!!! This is also my experience with my daughters who are 17 months apart. They are the very best of friends already at ages 2 and 3 and they share everything.
My kids are 18 & 15. 2.5yrs apart and they do not like each other. When my oldest was 15 or 16 we realized we had been correcting them in front of eachother. Worst mistake ever. They each kept score of eachothers short comings and where the other was “better”. How I have prayed for God to turn back time… This list is great. Do it all! I wish I’d read it 10 years ago when problems started showing… 🙁
Totally agree with this one, too! Praying that God will show you how to redeem your time. He is able!
We have 3 boys and one girl. she has her own room. I was thinking that is good for privacy and modesty. Thoughts?
This post has some good ideas, but it’s not the Bible.
I think you’re on the right track. I think that girls sharing room with boys beyond a certain age is inappropriate.
I probably wouldn’t put an only girl in with 3 boys either. I do think you can still apply the principles of helping them to not be selfish with their space though. 🙂
I was the only girl with 4 brothers until my sister was born when I was 11. I shared a room with multiple brothers until I was 16. It wasn’t a big deal. I don’t think there is anything inappropriate about girls and boys sharing rooms. I used to change in the bathroom, or quickly by my bed when nobody else was in the room. Some of my best childhood memories are of my brother telling stories as we fell asleep!
I don’t think it is inappropriate for a girl to share a room with her brothers (as opposed to boys in general). As far as privacy and modesty, they can all change in the bathroom when they are taking their shower anyway.
I have the same issue (4 boys, 1 girl), and, over the years (she’s 12 now), I have long wanted to put the girl in the same room with at least one of her brothers. I have seen her become EXTREMELY possessive of “her” space and “her” things. She doesn’t share at all, she has no respect for other people’s space or things, and she would make a TERRIBLE roommate.
However, I am at a disadvantage because she is my step daughter. Even though she lives with us full time, has biological brothers, and her step brothers have been on scene since she was a toddler, her biological mother has outright forbid her sharing a room with anyone. I suspect there would even be an issue with this woman if I ever had a daughter of my own.
For your situation, if you don’t have the step parent issue, and you feel that it would work well for your kids, I see no problem with it at all.
I would have to disagree with the sharing rooms. My little sister and I shared a room when we were younger… we fought constantly about everything. When my parents gave up their room and moved down stairs and gave me their old room all the fighting stopped. My sister and I are great friends… but we know we could never live together for more than a few days… our personalities clash too much…I wish my parents had realized this sooner… It would have saved a lot of headaches!!
I was the same way as a kid. Now, in my 30s, I still have problems with one of my sisters. However, I don’t believe it was from sharing a room. My parents definitely did the comparison thing, the lack of shared activities (my sister and I did practically nothing together apart from pestering each other on road trips) AND the discontentment of our gifts. Looking back on my childhood, those are the issues I had with my family, not the sharing of a room.
I have to disagree with a few things here. If I pushed my kids to constantly be up each other’s rear ends and always in each other’s business, they would probably kill each other. Sure it’s great to do things together as an entire family; like going fishing, camping, hiking, etc. but I would never force my kids to go to each other’s extracurricular activities and such if they’re not interested in whatever activity their sibling is into. And I would never even think about not letting them have their own belongings or their own rooms, some place to get away from it all and call their own; and things that are theirs and no one else’s because they earned those things. They are individuals and should be treated as such. Each and every person is different in their own way, and to push siblings to always have to be together, do things together, share everything with each other; when they get older they’ll be happy if they never have to see each other again. because growing up together always in each other’s space, it gets old very quickly. I’m not saying that they should never be polite and do some things together and play together with each other’s belongings but they need to ask permission and some times have to deal with taking no for an answer. And it’s OK for them to tell someone no some times. But kids being raised always up each other’s butts, as adults; They’ll be glad to finally have things that belong to only them and they’ll end up being selfish and never wanting to share any of their things with others, because their entire childhood was nothing but constantly having to give up everything and never having anything to call their own or be proud of having all to themselves. And they need to learn that life isn’t always fair! They’ll turn into big wah wah babies as adults because they’ll expect everyone to have to share with them, and when they realize that other people won’t and don’t have to share their hard earned things with them; they’ll get all butt-hurt over it. And no, I can actually say that I’ve never compared any of my kids to each other for how well the other is doing in whatever. Why would anyone do that? I praise my kids each individually for things they do and I make sure that when I am praising one for something, that I praise the other for something they’re good at too. Even if it isn’t for the same thing. They know they aren’t the same person and they aren’t ever going to be or do things exactly like their siblings. They are individuals, not clones. And they aren’t little clones of their parents either, so pushing ones own personal beliefs onto them and not letting them think for themselves or learn about other things in life; is only going to make them spread their wings and fly as far away from any one sided way of thinking, as soon as they get the chance. So good luck with all of that!
I am guilty as charged! I have 4 children and have done everyone of what you said. I have really been working on their hearts because they treat each other poorly and it saddens me so. We moved from West coast to East coast and the kids went from each having their own room to them now all being in the same room. It has been very helpful. Still struggling with the “mine” thing and they are old enough to understand that the things we have are all of ours. I now realize a lot that I need to work on to help them all get along and love on eachother. This was a very helpful post thank you so much!
It breaks my heart to see the two children I love unconditionally trying to tear each other down. I have never compared them and always try and encourage each gift they have. My son is 9 and daughter is 5. She is bright bubbly and generally co-operative. He is challenging my authority and is getting bitter towards his sister. What I find really difficult is discouraging his behavior without appearing to take sides or favor her. I think he is bright enough to work out he can manipulate this situation. He can be really sweet and understanding but these moments are becoming rarer. I have to say we are going through a situation where we may have to withdraw him from his school due to lack of funds so he may be feeling unsettled because of that.
I do NOT want to come across as “here’s your real situation and how to fix it” because I don’t know your family, but I would like to say that even the “younger, sweeter” child can be subtley manipulating the situation and it could be that your older boy could be lashing out against that, if you know what I mean. Even if you’re not verbally comparing him to your daughter he might still feel like he’s coming out at a disadvantage compared to her. I know that with my youngest, a baby girl with two older brothers, although I never mean to act like I love her more, she’s so sweet and cuddly it’s hard to love on her brothers as much as I do on her. 🙂 Again, if I’m way off base please just ignore my comment.
I think there are a lot of good points here. But I actually am kind of questioning your first one (and quite a bit of the point of the story above). I agree that it is very important not to set our kids up to compete against each other and purposely compare to motivate them, etc. But also, I am not sure it makes sense to try to Protect them from seeing that a sibling might be better than they are at something. The talk you had with your daughter after the spelling test incident is a talk we have ALL the time over here. I have twins, and they are constantly tempted to compare themselves (as is everyone around them), so this is an issue that we can’t really avoid. And my approach ha been NOT to avoid it, but to teach them not to let comparison’s consume them. We women often grow up comparing ourselves to others and being jealous, prideful, or insecure based on our assessment of those comparisons. But none of it is healthy. Rather than avoiding the issue, why not talk our kids through it? I homeschool my kids, and since they are both the same age (and both generally gifted academically) it only makes sense to teach them together. And one tends to be just a tad ahead of the other. But that one also does a few things before her sister – and has other talents (such as singing) that are more developed than her sister too. So we remind her of those often. And we take every opportunity when either one is struggling with comparison to help them talk themselves out of the unhealthy practice. So similar to your philosophy on NOT labeling, and NOT avoiding shared spaces, I think it is also OK to NOT avoid situations where they might compare themselves (but instead use it as a learning experience to move them past getting stuck in those unhealthy thought patterns and instead appreciate each child’s unique giftedness). Again, never purposely compare them yourselves or set up competition, but allow nature to take its course in life (both with siblings and friends) and when competition or comparison rears its head, coach them through it.
While I mostly agree with this article, I do have to say that every child is different and what works with your kids may not work for others. I’m mainly talking about the part you wrote about not labeling toys.
From the time my girls were born I made them share everything. There was no “my toy”. When one of the girls received a birthday gift it was expected of her to share. The fights over toys were constant but I set my foot down thinking that I was doing the right thing and eventually they would learn to share. About a year ago I started noticing my youngest (who was 5 at the time) was stashing toys in random hiding places around the house. I realized that she was really struggling with the fact that she had nothing to call her own. I sat down with her many times and talked about it but nothing I said made her feel better. I was talking it over with a friend of mine who made a good point. “Say your husband bought you a beautiful and expensive diamond necklace for your birthday. Your flaky,and very forgetful cousin sees it and asks if she can borrow it. Would you let her? As adults we don’t share everything with everyone so why should we expect our kids to?”
A week later the girls and I went through thier toys together and labeled them. There were a few that they chose not to label and that was a choice that I let them make. It’s been a year now and I can say it was the best decision. The girls share now more than ever! I think the reason behind this is that before, to my youngest, sharing a toy meant handing it over and completely loosing possession of that toy. However, now that her initial is on the toy, it’s easier to hand it over because it doesn’t matter if sister is playing with it, it’s still HER toy.
While this may not work for all kids, I believe that some really need to have something to call thier own.
I am no expert here, I’ll leave that up to you, but Our boys are 20 months apart. They have shared a room for the last 8 years. I tell everyone they have fought since birth. Truly it has been a struggle to keep them pleasant around each other. One is very competitive, he has to make sure he out does his brother in EVERYTHING. Then, my other boy is very emotional, has trouble with expressing his feelings and gets down right ANGRY!
My point being within the last month we finally separated them into their own rooms that has their own things, closets, toys, etc. It has been so much more peaceful. No fighting at bedtime, over books/toys, etc., they actually spend time in their room by themselves. (This has never happened, they never “play” in their rooms, yet bring toys to another location.)
It seems having their own space/things, something that is theirs has helped in so many ways.
Thanks for the timely advice. Another way to help children be less selfish is to have them clean up other people’s messes, without pay. In our house, it goes beyond emptying the dishwasher. We ask them to pick up dishes from the dining room table or end tables. We ask them to fold each others’ (and even the parents’) laundry AND put it away. We’ve never once heard “that’s not mine” when we tell them to clean something up. Because it doesn’t matter.
As for the test, I would not be that hard on myself about the sibling’s reaction to her performance. It’s not selfish to have students take a test at the same time. If a student is “behind” another student who’s younger, perhaps that will motivate her to do better. I have one student who has always been intimidated by math. When her younger brother began to do better than she, it motivated her to keep up with him.
But even if it doesn’t have that effect (depending on personality), we don’t prepare our children for the world out there by putting their feelings ahead of performance. There are going to be times when they don’t keep up with others who are smarter, faster, more creative, talented or motivated. Teaching them how to deal with it is part of the schooling experience. We shouldn’t be apologetic when our children are disappointed or ashamed. Their professors and bosses won’t be.
Just received my “Developing a Quiet Time” devotional study for kids. We’re starting it today. Thanks so much for this resource. May God bless you for your wisdom and for sharing it with other moms like me so we can teach our kids to know and love God.
I love your ideas on this topic. Unfortunately, my brother and I experienced extreme sibling rivalry, and even to the day, there are issues stemming from this. I am the oldest and had a lot of jealousy going on right from the start related to having to share time and attention. But instead of taking steps to alleviate these jealous feelings, my parents often did things that made the problem worse. I am certain they didn’t mean to, and if they had been able to have access to the type of information you are sharing, I know things could have been different. Thank you for these life-giving words of wisdom.
Ephesians 6:4 reminds us to nurture our children in a way that encourages and uplifts them. Balancing our desires with their needs is challenging, but it’s a crucial part of fostering a loving and supportive family environment