After 13+ years of parenting, teaching 100’s of public school children, and reading more books than I can count, I feel confident in one thing. This parenting thing is HARD, ya’ll. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer for our parenting questions. I really thought there was. I believed the formula was the answer.
If you do these steps, your kid will turn out like “this.” You’ve probably heard some of these too…
If you, put them on a schedule…they will sleep through the night at 3 months.
If you are consistent in your training…they will obey the first time you ask.
If you conduct a potty boot camp…they will potty train in less than 3 days.
I have come to realize just how laughable this really is. There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of the above ideas. In fact, most of them have worked for me at least with some of my kids, some of the time. The trouble lies in our demanding that they work in all situations. And if we do that, we are ignoring the fact that children are humans. Natural born, flesh-filled, sinners (Romans 6:23). Even the best of us are prone to give in to momentary pleasures, throwing caution to the wind.
So are we hopeless in the quest for getting our kids to do what we ask? Must we throw in the towel on respect and obedience?
Absolutely NOT!
But we might need to change up a few traditional practices if we want to see a change in our kids. We are going to need to get CREATIVE! Hopefully you’ve figured out by now that kids are different. All of them. Between my four children and the numerous other children I have taught, I have seen everything from perfectionist to uninterested, compliant to defiant, thoughtful to manipulative, and calm to active. The list goes on and on and I certainly haven’t seen it all.
Each child will need unique consequences and each situation will need some creativity. So let’s look at some creative ways to get to the heart of the matter and spur them towards that respect and obedience we so greatly desire as parents.
Start with obedience.
Before we can even get to the business of giving consequences for wrong behavior, we need to set the stage for obedience. Our kids need to know exactly what is expected of them and why. They also need to understand the consequences of disobedience and how/why we have authority over them to begin with. With little ones, this knowledge can wait, but if your child is over the age of 5, it’s time to make sure he/she understand these things before giving out consequences.
If this isn’t something you’ve done with your kids, click on the image below for tips and ideas to get the conversation started.
Create simple rules.
Rules should be few and simple. You can’t create a constitution full of detailed circumstances because your kids will indeed come up with a new behavior not covered. Instead, make 1-3 simple rules that encompass that atmosphere you want to create for your family.
They can’t be too difficult to remember or too vague that they include loop holes. For a long time, my rule was simply LOVE. Quite some time ago, my friend Lara introduced me to her version of this concept…Love Up and Love Out. First we love God and serve Him. Second we love others through our love for God. I’ve used that saying ever since. After all, love covers a multitude of sins and this rule really does covers every offense in my home.
I might ask: How are you showing love in this situation? Is there something that you could do to be more loving? When you didn’t pick up that shoe on the stairs, do you think you showed love and concern for the well-being of your family who might trip over it?
The Bible says that the greatest commandment is love. Teaching our kids to put this at the foundation of their choices reinforces this truth and it helps kids to understand the WHY behind obedience.
Get creative with your consequences
As much as possible, I avoid terms like “time-out” and “restriction.” For the most part, I have found that a blanket consequence is ineffective in molding hearts and changing behavior. This is where natural and logical consequences come in.
A natural consequence will be administered without mom’s help. For example, a child runs on the sidewalk, trips and skins his knee. Natural consequence. Ouch.
A logical consequence is closely related to the offense and is aimed at teaching responsibility for your actions. This consequence is administered by a calm and collected adult wishing to help children make wise choices. They aren’t one size fits all and don’t even need to be the same every single time. The idea is to find something that hurts enough to change the behavior, leaving a related memory for next time the child considers doing the same thing. For example, if you take away a party with friends because a child leaves his bike in the snow, it’s not directly related and may not be effective. If you take away the bike- now we’re talking.
Whenever possible, I include scripture with consequences, but don’t beat yourself up about this and don’t preach a sermon either. I find that the best faith-based discussions are done when kids are not in the thick of trouble. In the moment they are focused on the consequence, guilt and pain. If you lecture, kids might get defensive and it will be wasted. Save it for a time when there is no conflict.
Creative Consequences for Kids
If you can’t find your shoes, mom will help you find them, but there will be a finder’s fee.
If you can not behave kindly toward your family, mom will assume that you need some time to think about it and send you to another room to sit (usually the bed).
If you fight with your sibling, I will assume you have nothing better to do and give you a chore.
After you are sent into a room to clean up, I come behind and take the items that were left out. I assume that you no longer want these items and place them in “toy time out” for a week. (Mom could also donate the items, if this is a chronic problem.)
If you are tipping your chair back, I will assume that it is unsafe for you to use it and you will stand for the remainder of dinner.
If you do not have good table manners, you will be asked to dine elsewhere.
If you are too loud, whiny, or speaking unkindly, you will lose the freedom to speak. (Works really well in the car, too.)
If you can’t get ready for an activity on time, I will deduct that amount of time from the activity once we get there. (Remember not to punish mom or the siblings because of one child’s negligence.)
A few creative consequences ideas from my friends...
If they play around instead of getting ready for bed, we don’t have time for stories. ~Christy
The kids weren’t diligent to do their schoolwork today so there wasn’t time to go to the library. ~Debby
Somebody ate his treat without permission so he did not get his treat later when everyone else was eating theirs. ~Julie
If teachers offer incentives for extra work or even situations like AWANA, I don’t nag them…I let them feel what it’s like not to get the reward or fun prize. ~Tiana
You splash water out of the tub, you wipe it up (works for any mess). ~Leslie
If you don’t eat what mama cooks you’re gonna be hungry! ~Amy
The rule is: We pay for half your car. We own the bottom half. If you’re being irresponsible, our half (the one with the wheels) stays home, in the driveway. ~Pam
We’ve set a “start-getting-for-bed time” and a “lights-out-time.” If they get ready fast, they can use the remainder to read. If they play around getting ready for bed, they can’t… the lights out time doesn’t change. ~Josh
I also don’t cap markers that were left uncapped. Dried out markers are no fun. ~Leslie
A few ideas from Creative Correction by Lisa Whelchel…
About an hour before bed, have a whole house “clean sweep.” Set the timer for 15 minutes. For each item left out after the timer goes off, the kids go to bed 5 minutes earlier.
If you have forgotten to put away an item and it has been confiscated, you can buy it back for $1.00.
If a chore is not done diligently, have your child practice doing it over and over again. She will learn more from sweeping the floor 3-4 times because her first effort wasn’t done well.
If siblings can’t stop fighting, have them go the whole next day without the pleasure of each other’s company. They can’t talk, eat, play, or do school in the same room.
Final thoughts
God is always just. There will be a consequence. Even if it never becomes obvious to us. Teaching your children that lesson now reaps great benefits both spiritually and physically. If you heard anything at all in this post, I hope you heard that parenting is not a one-size-fits-all activity. Some of these ideas might not work. Some great ideas were not even listed here. And most importantly, no one is speaking badly about any parenting ideas. Here in the trenches, we need all the help we can get.
Mom, you rock. You are loved and treasured even with peanut butter in your hair. Keep doing this thing.
Need help thinking of a consequence when you are mad? Read How to think of a Better Consequence When You are Mad
Need toddler ideas? Read Parenting the Toddler Years.
Jay says
Quick question about loosing the freedom to speak: How do you enforce that?
We have trouble in the car with yelling. Our solution was locking her window (she really likes having the independence of putting her window up and down on her own) for the remainder of the drive. It works most of the time…. But what does loosing the freedom to speak look like?
Kim Sorgius says
I have them put their hands over their mouth if they are little. Sometimes, I will stop the car and get out until the child calms down. Most kids don’t like to be in their alone, so this works well. (Of course, make sure the door/window is open if it’s hot.)
Kelly says
What about destructive behavior – wont stop drawing on walls cabinets etc… Spits on other kids toys. My idea is that they have to do what they did to other peoples property to their own property. Does anyone have better ideas?
Kim Sorgius says
I would have them work to replace the cost of the property.
Sis says
For messing up other’s toys i would allow the owner of said toy to choose one of the perpetrator’s toys in exchange.
Cleaning up the mess they make is necessary always. They need to know how much work it is.
gretchen says
The offending child could give his/her toy in replacement of the one that was colored or spit upon. When we had children draw on walls, they had to clean it off the wall.
Kriss says
Spitting is a hot topic for our house! We bought inexpensive painter masks(like the cough masks that doctors wear.) If you spit, and spread your germs, you have to wear the “spitting mask” for 1 minute for every spit…the humidity of their own breath makes in pretty uncomfortable. For coloring on things, you have to do chores to earn money to buy Magic Erasers and wash the things you damaged. If it won’t wash off, you have to replace what you ruined either monetarily, or by allowing the other child to pick one of your toys to keep for themselves
K. says
I told her if she wants to have a pet of her own someday, she needs to show me she can be responsible. Responsible means only writing or coloring on paper or art projects.
Shana says
My friend just shared a new one for this one – her parents rule was you had to spend at least 10-min playing with each pet (not including feeding/litter/care) daily. If you consistently did not, they just sold the pet. She lost her pony when she was at school! I thought this was great b/c it makes them realize how much more work each pet is. For the first one, you could see if she would follow-through with pretend chores for a stuffed animal for a few weeks first – or take care of one of another family members pet if you have one.
Laura says
What if you don’t notice the drawing on the wall, etc. until a day or two after it happened? Is making them clean it up still as effective as if you have them clean up right after it happens?
Kim Sorgius says
As long as your child is over the age of 5, absolutely! They can still understand what they did and how the consequence relates to that.
Alison says
I have an eight year old and a six year old. I’m having a hard time getting them to pay attention and listen the first time I talk, not the tenth. I’m drawing a blank on a suitable consequence (and thus the problem- there is no set rule).
Lenore Webb says
When my daughter was young and she would not listen to me, I started speaking quieter and quieter. It seemed the softer my words became the quieter she became to have to listen. Of course some days I whispered the whole day long!
Kristine says
Really love the “own the bottom half” of the car rule. : )
How about an intense 9 year old who beats himself up and cries/screams when he doesn’t get to play the piano first or take the first bath (7 year old sister). ??
If the volume level gets too intense, we have him take it outside, but it’s winter in MN and he can keep this up for a long time. Also, he can choose to practice 15 min. of piano at any point in the day and he often takes care of this early. It’s when he realizes he hasn’t practiced later in the evening that he falls apart. I’m a sensitive person and the emotion/volume is so overwhelming.
Leslie says
My logical consequence for the intense 9-year-old who gets upset when he isn’t first: I guess he needs to practice putting others before himself. You could quote the verse about the first being last and the last being first. I would tell him that tomorrow, he will be taking the second bath and will have to wait until everyone else has practiced piano before he does. And if he continues to carry on crying, I would add another day for each warning I gave him.
Also sometimes when my sensitive 9-year-old is acting up, I consider his love language and make sure his little tank is full. “The 5 Love Languages” has been an amazing parenting tool, as he speaks a very different love language than I do.
Kristine says
: )
Kimberly Toti says
Thank you for all these great ideas!!
I cant wait to try them out.
I read them to my kids today and boy I wish I took a picture of their faces as I was reading the consequences.?
Rachel says
What about the teen who always has the sassy comeback? I am always wrong and she is always right ugh. She doesn’t have a car or her license yet, we live in the country so doesn’t hang out with friends, already has to earn her own money to pay for what she wants (single widowed mom who is broke). Aside from literally duct taping her mouth which I obviously wouldn’t do how do I get her to be respectful of me and her younger brother and not be so mean nonstop?
Suzanne says
I’m sorry you are going through this difficult struggle. Unfortunately, teens are much more difficult to find answers for the struggles they can put themselves and families through. If you are in a good church family I would suggest talking to your youth pastor or another leader. I will pray that you can get some help and encouragement.
Sherri says
I’m sorry I didn’t see this sooner, I was on here looking for something for my grandson and found this blog. I have 5 children and the 10th grandchild will be here in June. When you have 5 you are playing the odds at having one or two that will be more difficult and disrespectful. My 2nd son was a difficult teen like the one above, Always arguing with me about everything and didn’t want to go with us anywhere and was not very nice to his siblings. I finally had had it and set him down to explain that somewhere along the line we had lost track of who really was in charge here. This is pretty much what I said to him word for word, and I did not have to repeat this talk to my other children, because they knew it applied to them as well. This is what I said. ” My son, I love you, but you seem to seem to be under the impression that you have some kind of power in this house that lets you get away with things that will not be tolerated any longer. You talk back to me and your Dad. You are mean to your brothers and sister. You don’t thing some of the rules of the house apply to you. This is where we need to set the record straight. I have ALL OF THE POWER! You have none. ALL(pointing to myself), none,(pointing to him). That old truck that you hate, but that you drive to school, it’s mine! I will take it away so fast your head will spin and you will ride, not the nice bike that I purchased for you, but a very cheep bike that I will go down and get from the thrift store, or you can take the bus, your choice. As your parent I have to legally do 3 things for you. Feed you, Clothe you, and have a place for you to sleep. I will strip this room of everything but a mattress and a pillow and a blanket. I don’t care if you bought anything with your money. This is my house, and when you have a house to put them in, then you can use them. I will choose 2 outfits for your to wear to school, and they will not be your favorites! You will wash one the day you are wearing the other, You will have a very bland boring cereal breakfast and whatever I make for dinner, No desserts, no snacks, No Ice Cream or going to the movies with the family. If you make the choice to continue with the behavior that you’ve been exhibiting, I WILL ENFORCE THIS! If you doubt me, you need to look into my eyes and see if you want to push me, because I assure you that you do not want to go down this road! We are done with this behavior and how it is affecting the rest of the family. I will let you think about this, but let me make myself very clear, ALL, ALL, ALL, NONE, NONE, NONE, So you think long and hard, because you have pushed me to this point and I will follow through. He was 16 and 6’3″ tall. I’m 5’7″ He came down in 5 minutes and said he understood, and no he wasn’t perfect, but he was 90% better. When he did act up, all I would say is are you headed down that road again, and that would make him re-think about what he was doing. It wasn’t easy, and I was fully prepared to do this. I know that we all want our children to Love us and we want them to be our best friends, but I wish someone had told me some of these things before my kids were almost grown. Your children do not need another friend, they need a parent who says NO, when it’s needed. Sometimes they are waiting for you to say it, because they know it means you love them. That son is 35 now, and there were things even as an Adult that he had to learn the hard way. 5 children all raised in the same house, and not any of them are the same. But he’s a hard working father of two that I’m very proud of. But I cannot stress enough follow through with your children. If you tell them you are going to punish them for something, if it’s a time out of a toy taken away, till they can work it off to get it back, the best thing you can do for them is to follow through and don’t cave in. Then they know how to work you and they are so much smarter than you realize.
Rebecca says
This may sound terrible, just read all of it.. My best friends 12 yr old daughter was mouthy, bad.. so I used the same teqnique I use on my 9 yr old son and what a huge difference. When my son is talking back or just being hateful, I get a piece of paper towel or a cotton round, dip it in vinegar, have them stick out their tougne and rub the vinegar in firmly for a few seconds.. (had to wait the 12 yr old out for a min or two while sitting on the step behind with a clothes pin pinching her nose) she wanted to go back to what she was doing, but would not stick out tougne. Only clinched her teeth.. so we sat until she agreed. Anyway.. the vinegar tastes horrible.. u cannot even brush the taste out with toothpaste.. stays there a while.. SO WHEN CHILD COMPLAINS ABOUT HOW NASTY IT IS, AND THEY WILL – SIMPLY RESPOND WITH
“SO WAS THE WAY YOU WERE TALKING TO ME..”.
It was very effective for me .. I know it sounds a little harsh, but after a few doses, just reminding them that I have vinegar on hand , stops the backtalk.. and I made sure I kept a small water bottle with vinegar in it in my purse, my truck and my bat bag..Lol
Emma says
My child would most likely just wait an entire 24 hours out, not sticking out her tongue and would just sit there with her arms crossed.
Mom of many says
Hot sauce, and you can squeeze their mouth open to get it in. Hot sauce on the skin stings, so even if they shut their mouth too soon, they won’t like it.
Chelsea says
I have an almost 5 year old boy who is constantly picking on his almost 2 year old brother. He pushes, shoves, trips, hits, etc. I know there is probably some jealousy and power issues. No matter how I address it, it doesn’t make a difference. Suggestions? Consequences?
Suzanne says
Raising boys can be a tough job! Part of this behavior may just be a brother thing but one suggestion may be to encourage/point out/reward the times when he is kind and nice to his brother. Maybe a simple list of things he can do to show kindness to him and a point system to earn simple rewards- a sticker, extra time doing his favorite activity, time alone with mom or dad reading a book or playing a game, etc. Hopefully,over time he will learn that being kind is its own reward and find out his brother can be his friend.
Rebecca says
Sit together, hold hands. Bond them together til the fake getting along to get away from each other .. worked for me and my older brother. Mom even took a pic.. I still say that was the worst punishment in the world every time I see that picture..?
Carly says
I hate asking for advice about this because it makes me feel horrible but I am at a loss. My 4 year old used to be so good and would go to bed perfectly. But now the last 6 months she has done a 360. She will sit and stall and fight me the entire time. I have kept her on a good routine but now it’s “one more book,” “I’m hungry,” “I want to pick out my outfit,” etc. If I don’t let her do them then she will sit and scream and kick and act like I’m killing her and I’m not even touching her. She does have a two year old brother that I do not want to get woken up so that behavior isn’t okay with me. I’ve done research, I’ve tried to be calmer, I’ve tried to be more strict, nothing is work unless I give in. Then giving in just becomes horrible and makes her act horribly throughout the day. She’ll have tantrums throughout the day as well because I won’t let her do something. I just need help!
Rebecca says
Low dose of over the counter melatonin.. you can even get them in strawberry quick dissolves.. 3 mg or something.. very mild .. twenty minutes before bed my son got 1/2 of his vitamin, and was perfect .. no drain the next day.. melatonin is the body’s natural sleep suppiment..
Carly says
That won’t help with my situation and I’m not going to give my children a medicine just to get them to sleep. I’m not comfortable with that. Thank you for the thought though.
Barb says
Rubbing lavender oil on her feet or maybe even a weighted blanket might help (it’s worked for my daughter). I feel your pain!
Kim Sorgius says
Put her to bed at the same time as the 2 year old. Tell her that when she throws a fit and disobeys you, she wakes him up. So she will have to go to bed at the same time as him.
Carly says
That’s what I do. I put him to bed then go into her room and start her routine. Which will last up to two hours of her fighting me.
Kim Sorgius says
If she has her own room, tell her what is expected and walk out. Let her cry if she wants to. Not your problem. If you stay, fret, or try to do something she has an audience and it will only get worse.
Afshan says
I have two boys.. same problem with the older one. When u cave in to a kid’s tantrum, it only reinforces the behavior. They learn that crying gets them what they want so they’ll cry, even for the smallest things.
Recently, I have started being a bit firm with my boy. Won’t shout or argue to try to make him understand, I’ll simply leave the room saying that, ‘now that u’re crying, i’ll ensure that u won’t get what u want.’ And I never give in. There has been a lot of improvement. Also try to find out the reason of this behavior change.. There is got to be some reason behind it..
Stephanie says
Your child just wants more time with you, so s/he is playing the ‘one more’ card. Try spending 10 minutes of one on one time, before bed, doing whatever s/he wants to do. Even if it’s just you watching.
Kim says
What about lying? Struggling witn a consequence. Is it just that now mom and dad don’t trust you? Pretty natural consequence I guess, but is that enough?
Stephanie says
These are great pointers to help with intentional consequences!
I would like to ask your opinion… If your 9 year old is disrespectful to the babysitter by being mouthy or not even following through with the house rules given to the babysitter, would having your 9 year old doing some sort of service for the babysitter be an effective consequence in this area?
Kim Sorgius says
I think that’s a great idea!