How Did I Get Such Ungrateful Children?
In our me-focused world, it’s not uncommon to have ungrateful children. This is how we’ve gotten them and what we can do to teach contentment.
I just needed a gallon of milk, some zucchini, and an onion.
We couldn’t even get in the front door without maneuvering around a giant display of candy. “Oh, Mom, can we PLEASE get some candy?” they begged as if they hadn’t eaten in weeks and the candy would keep them alive. I simply kept walking, and they put the candy down.
Then we went down the aisle toward the milk, only to be tempted by the marshmallows. “Oh, Mom, let’s get marshmallows. We know you LOVE Rice Krispie treats.” Again, I kept walking.
I was thankful to have secured the milk, and we headed back down toward the produce aisle. “Oh, Mom, let’s get some Coke and chips,” they pleaded. My beet-red face was evidence of frustration rising to a boiling point, but I somehow managed a kind reply. “We’ve just come into the store for 3 items today.” We grabbed the produce needed and headed to the checkout.
I know you’ve been there, too. (Why on earth do the stores hate moms so much?) I think there were a few moments of self-control as we stood there in the line, but they quickly waned into pleas from ungrateful children.
Can we get some gum?
I have $1 at home. Can I pay you back and buy these M&M’s?
Oooo, look at this little spinny thing, Mom! I really NEED it!
Each one of my 4 children was grasping something and shoving it in my face, making demands. I’d love to tell you that I kept my cool, but I try to make it a habit to tell the truth around here. Sigh. I made it through bags of candy, marshmallows, and Coke, but this was simply too much.
As I have a habit of doing, I pondered the event as we drove home. (There was plenty of silence because said children were too scared to talk again.) I can’t even remember what I said in the store. Maybe it was some threat to take away their firstborn child or shut them in a tower until they were 20. No, wait, that’s a movie. (Haha)
Seriously, it didn’t even matter what I said in there. I felt like I had been slapped in the face. This issue of teaching my kids to be content and not to ask for Every. Single. Thing. in the store was a lot harder than it looked. Surely I was a good mom. Surely I had done some things right regarding teaching on this topic. But it wasn’t enough to keep them from acting like ungrateful children asking for everything in sight, which brought me back to the question at hand.
As I considered the facts about my parenting and about the world in general, I began to see that I was going to have to be much more proactive about this.
Table of Contents
How Did I Get Such Ungrateful Children?
I gave it to them.
Yep, it’s true. I give in to my kids. Sometimes when my kids ask for things, I buy them. Of course, I don’t really think this is bad parenting per se, but guess what happens if you buy something even one time? You guessed it. They ask again. So, in theory, I’ve taught them to ask.
I allowed them to have too much.
Maybe you’re in my shoes and no matter how hard you try, the grandparents and relatives still think that the more presents they give, the better. Even with cleaning out and donating or selling toys on a regular basis, we still have far more than we really could ever play with. This excess creates a desire for more, feeding the heart of ungrateful children. Seems backward, but it’s true. The more you get, the more you want.
I allowed them to listen to the world.
OK, so maybe I don’t so much allow this, but since we live here in the world, there isn’t much I can do to totally block out the message the world is sending about “things.” Even without a TV, my kids still see ads that attempt to convince them their lives would simply be better if they had a particular item. I can’t keep them from taking in all this advertising, but I can focus on teaching them how to evaluate it. And I do … sometimes. (Clearly not enough, though.)
I neglected to teach them to be content.
That day in the car, as I drove home from my little tirade in the store, I was reminded of this very important part of parenting. My kids were asking for things because they knew it was the way to get them and because they have so much and because the world tells them to want more, but the underlying issue was way bigger than all of that. The real issue was a failure on my part to truly convey to them how God wants them to feel about the things they already have.
I neglected to teach them to find godly contentment in their everyday. I had neglected to diligently teach them how to have an attitude of gratitude. This realization motivated me to look at Scripture on the topic and share it with my kids. As I started learning, I began to see that God’s Word actually has a LOT to say about this particular topic. So I created a Bible study that we could use together each day.
Teaching Contentment
Little by little, I began to see a difference. Instead of showing the hearts of ungrateful children who constantly ask for little things, they reminded each other of what they were learning. And on many occasions, they even stopped themselves before the whole request got out of their mouths. It’s a process, of course, but the journey has been worth it! So worth it that I’d like to share it with you.
As with my other studies, I wrote A Content Heart on three levels spanning ages 4–84. (Ha.) Seriously though, I learned so much from it myself that it’s hard to put a cap on the age for this one. Like the other studies, the idea is for families to complete the study together and discuss. In my family, the older kids do it during their quiet time while I work with the younger ones. We come together for a morning devotion time and discuss what we are learning.
It is part of our Heart Series, designed to teach your kids Biblical principles showing how abiding in God’s truth will change their hearts and help them grow. Each bundle contains five age-appropriate Bible studies: Fruit of the Tongue, Keep Thy Heart, Do Right, A Content Heart, and Work Unto the Lord—plus, some fun bonus items!
The discussions of this particular study have been some of the sweetest we’ve ever had. I’ve been so convicted about what I had never really taught them regarding God’s love for us and our lack of trust that He is giving us good things. Oh, how I pray that it blesses your family, too.
Through practical tools & Bible-based resources, Kim Sorgius is dedicated to helping your family GROW in faith so you can be Not Consumed by life’s struggles. Author of popular kid’s devotional Bible studies and practical homeschooling tools, Kim has a master’s degree in education and curriculum design coupled with over 2 decades of experience working with kids and teens. Above all, her most treasured job is mother and homeschool teacher of four amazing kiddos.
I just had this SAME issue in the store today and also yesterday when my 5 year old sat staring at a toy on a website for quite a while because she wants us to get it for her for Christmas. It finally hit me that she was sitting there coveting that toy! I know EXACTLY how you feel. This study sounds wonderful!!
Our kids are now older, the oldest being 20 and the youngest 12. They are some of the most generous-hearted people I know. We have never had much since I gave up earning an income to become a mother and home educator. Every time I prayed about giving them an allowance the Lord clearly put it on my heart to refrain, even though in my heart I wanted them to have it. They all did (and do) chores until they are taking college classes, and even then I will ask them to do things and they hardly ever complain or have a bad attitude. I think it’s a way of life, If a younger complains and older will usually step up before I have the chance and exort them to do their part. This has only happened a couple of times, shockingly. (they don’t like to be corrected by an older sibling!) They know we love them and that Mom shouldn’t have to do everything and that we are being careful with our money so we can make the most of it and help them as much as we can with college.
When they are old enough they start coming up with creative ways to earn money – walking dogs, edging lawns, etc. etc. and they all love volunteering for friends at church and use their own money to go on mission trips and retreats. I wish I had had such a wonderful attitude at their age!
I think most of the issues your little ones have are normal. All children see things they want and ask for them. It takes time for them to understand things like the family budget and nutrition and such. Let’s face it, too, we’re all born selfish, wanting our own way and what feels good to us. What mothers can do is help them process it at their own level.
The most important thing to remember is that our responsibility is not to make our children behave perfectly. They are whole persons with wills and intellects and personalities unique to them. No. Our responsibility is in how we REACT to our children’s behavior. I cannot emphasize this strongly enough. Pride is the enemy of godly parenting. We might think it’s fear because we feel that, but at the core it’s pride.
December 12th. This. Exact. Scenario.
I’m so happy on one hand, that it’s not just ME going through this with my 10yr. old. However, I have a little bit of sadness as I read this and KNOW I’m in part to blame for his neediness. I appreciate this and will wholeheartedly start the work of showing him God’s provisions and how we all need to have a life of contentment. Great article!
I’m an aunt and a great-aunt, not a mother or grandmother. Maybe that’s why I have a different response from the other commenters here.
First of all, WHAT’S WRONG WITH CHILDREN ASKING FOR THINGS?
Even in the Bible, Jesus says, “Ask and it will be given to you… “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” (from Matthew 7)
We are supposed to ask things of our Heavenly Father, and children are supposed to ask things from their parents! I see nothing wrong or “ungrateful” about that.
The issues here, as I see them, are: 1. what they’re asking for; 2. how they ask; and 3. how frequently they ask.
Of course, no one wants their children to ask them for a new thing every five minutes, and no one wants their children nagging or whining for things.
Still, in my opinion, children have the right to ask. And you have the right to say “Yes”, “No”, “I don’t know”, or “Wait.”
I witnessed a situation where two children were virtually orphaned (I won’t explain that), and relatives came to take care of them. The relatives abruptly changed the house rules, and the children were expected to conform right away. Tensions mounted, and resentments grew. One day the adult relatives were complaining about how ungrateful the children were for all the adults had done. I spoke up, saying, “What do they have to be grateful for?” I didn’t mean to discount the real sacrifices that had been made, but those sacrifices had often been made in a spirit of resentment and short-temperedness, and the children knew it.
I’ve been on the giving end of resentful giving. My elderly mother became bedridden, and I became her caregiver–a status for which I don’t have the skill or the temperament. I didn’t mind cooking for her or running errands, but minded the more personal, medical, “healthcare” stuff, and I certainly minded her exacting, critical attitude and her stinginess. Yet, I don’t think I ever expected her to be grateful. Gracious, maybe, and kinder, but not grateful. It was her house, and I couldn’t afford to live on my own. I still can’t. (Right now, some of you probably thinking that I’m the one who should’ve been “grateful”.)
Whenever I hear an adult accuse a child of being “ungrateful”, I suspect that the adult is either abusive, withholding, or resentful. I think of Cinderella and of Harry Potter.
I think a parent has a better chance of producing an “attitude of gratitude” in a child if the parent is gracious, understanding, patient, yet also firm with the child–and if the child sees the parent displaying an “attitude of gratitude” toward others.
Now granted, we live in a world crammed with media advertising gearing us to want this thing and that thing in an elusive pursuit of happiness. It’s our job as parents and older relatives to teach children to navigate such a world. No, we should not coddle to a child’s every fleeting whim. However, I think we should teach children that they don’t need every little thing that catches their eye, and that they can actually enjoy looking at things without touching or owning them. (This can go for relationships, too, and how they look at attractive people.) They can learn the difference between “need” and “want”, and between a lingering, legitimate want and a fleeting want. They can learn that material possessions won’t ultimately make them happy. They can learn that they have a right to ask, and that there’s a right way and a right time to ask. They can learn that the parent has the right, and the responsibility, to say “Yes” or “No”.
Most of all, they can learn by observing their parents practice this same “attitude of gratitude” that they want their children to develop.