How to Help Your Kids Build Strong Sibling Relationships
Visit our Sibling Rivalry Help Center for more help building strong sibling relationships.
Everyone says siblings will fight no matter what you do. But GOD says you can help your kids build strong sibling relationships. Have you ever wondered how? I can’t wait to share some ideas with you, but first, let’s take a walk down memory lane.
Despite some minor, shall we say, altercations, my sister and I had a strong sibling relationship growing up.
I like to tell people that my sister chased me around with a knife if I wouldn’t do what she wanted me to do. Even as an adult, I proclaim her knife sins to the world. But it always reminds me of the bond we really had. Sure there were knife-chasing moments and plenty of fighting (just like at your home now), but most of our moments were spent laughing, playing, and doing things together.
I remember the knife days, but I mostly remember that my sister was always there for me.
We needed each other.
Mom worked a lot and life was hard for us. We relied on each other for strength, support, and comfort. As middle-aged adults, we still do. We still talk often and still rely on each other for help and support. When I think back on how we got to this place, it’s easy to see the intentional ways that mom encouraged us to have a strong sibling relationship.
Yes, she applied many of the principles that I shared earlier this week in practical ways to STOP sibling rivalry. But she also did many things to help us avoid that conflict altogether as her goal was for us to have a strong sibling relationship.
Table of Contents
How to Lay a Foundation That Builds Strong Sibling Relationships
The solution to sibling rivalry ISN’T combating the fighting. Fighting is merely a symptom of a deeper problem. If the only thing we do is stop the fighting, we are only applying a band-aid. You know this is true because one minute you break up a fight and the next they are fighting about something else.
We know band-aids are a false sense of security and we all know they don’t HEAL anything. Let’s apply this truth to sibling relationships. I’m not saying we ignore the fighting. It needs to be handled. (Read 5 Ways to Stop Sibling Rivalry.) But we also have to be doing the MUCH harder work of building the right foundation.
1. Build Strong Sibling Relationships Through Family Unity
Everything starts with this one thing. Your family is only as strong as your ability to enjoy each other. And you know what? That doesn’t come naturally. In fact, it’s the very people you spend the most time with who are often the most difficult to enjoy. Sometimes every little flaw gets on your nerves. This is largely because we are self-focused people and figure other people owe us quiet, space, and/or whatever else we want in the moment.
So if we are going to build family unity, we have to be very intentional. In our family, we do this by having a family fun night. It’s one night that we spend together no matter what. This night of fun has helped us rebuild our family from one of life’s most destructive trials. And it helps us grow closer to one another.
This bond is something we need in order to encourage each other and support each other through daily life. But it’s also what we need to help us have the grace and mercy we need for each other when conflict arises. To help your children learn how to biblically deal with conflict and resolve it whenever possible, check out our Bible Study, Making Peace.
2. Use Teachable Moments to Build Sibling Relationships
I probably don’t need to tell you that there will be a lot less fighting if you supervise your children closely and make sure they are engaged in meaningful activities. There’s nothing like a rainy summer day to create chaos in your home. The schedule is important and mom’s involvement matters.
But there is also that precious teachable moment to consider here. If we are active in the daily lives of our kids, it gives us the opportunity to intervene when a situation is close to becoming out-of-hand. It gives us that teachable moment to say, “Wait a minute, do you think your tone was kind? And if your tone wasn’t kind, can you see how it might lead to a physical conflict with your brother?” These opportunities are precious. Use them to point out a better way to handle the situation before it even becomes one!
I’d also consider pulling the offender aside. Embarrassment is never a good way to change the character of a child. It leads to all kinds of trouble. If at all possible, I pull the child aside and show them what I saw.
3. Encourage Siblings to Constantly Build Others Up
As you go about your day, constantly find ways to build up your children. AND encourage their siblings to join in. For example, you might say, “Wow Travis, the kitchen is spotless. You did an excellent job on your chore today. Didn’t he, Kelly?” But be careful not to make it a contest. Always pick something that the other person isn’t involved in. If Kelly was also cleaning the kitchen that day, this would be the WORST thing you could say. You would actually be pitting the two against each other.
Do it with physical appearance, personality, work ethic…anything you can come up with. This creates a sense of self-worth for the child being praised and also shows others that you value that child. Just remember to praise all of your children equally. Don’t favor the one who always seems to have it together. They probably need the least amount of encouragement anyway!
Also, don’t forget to be careful with the negative things you say. The more negative correction you offer each child in front of the others, the more ammunition they have to pick on each other. Of course, you aren’t going to stop correcting your kids, just be intentional to do it privately if possible. If not, be intentional to praise MORE than you correct. That way your kids have a model of sweet things to say instead of a model of criticism to deploy against each other.
4. Build Strong Sibling Relationships by Attending Sporting Events and Other Activities to Support Siblings
Have you ever been at an event and watched the siblings play video games on the sidelines? If at all possible, save the video games for practices or another time. Get involved as a family in cheering for your child or congratulating them on the hard work they put into this activity.
This will give kids good practice saying supportive things to one another and it will give them something to talk about. If they are each living separate lives with individual interests, it becomes challenging to have meaningful conversations.
5. Teach Them How to be a Godly Sibling
Of course, we do this with God’s Word. It’s so vital that we not only teach our children what God says about a particular topic, but that we SHOW them in His Word. As they get older, we need to be helping them make decisions and judgments based on what God has to say about the situation. We should be modeling that now.
What does God’s Word say about being a sibling? Well, I asked myself that a few months ago when I thought I might tie all of my children together on a bench until they got along. (No need to call CPS; I promise I didn’t do it.) But I sure felt frustrated.
My home is just like yours. There are days when the things I am teaching play like a beautiful symphony in our hearts, and then others when you would think I had just let the kids fend for themselves from birth.
You know the day. It’s when you ask yourself if you truly are getting anything into their heads. It’s that day when you “sound like a broken record” you are certain no one has ever even listened to. Siblings are going to continue to fight and squabble because this side of heaven, we will never be free of our own selfish behaviors.
All the best tricks and parenting books cannot solve this one. The only way to truly change it is to get to their hearts. And the only way to truly get to their hearts is through a growing relationship with Jesus Christ.
So what we need here is a collection of tools. Tools that will point kids to God’s truth about how they are supposed to view their siblings, how they are supposed to behave as a sibling, and how to handle the inevitable conflicts.
Tools for Building Strong Sibling Relationships
I am so excited to introduce you to the number one tool to help you do that—>Meet My Brother’s Keeper. It’s a 4-week in-depth Bible study on the subject of sibling relationships that your kids can do individually or you could do as a family Bible study. We will walk through the Bible to discover God’s meaning and purpose for siblings and families. We will explore the stories of 10 different siblings from the Bible, some with beautiful stories and some with ugly ones.
The “My Brother’s Keeper” Bible study is broken up into five age levels that coincide, making it easy to use for family Bible study. It is part of our Relationship Series, designed to teach your kids Biblical principles for developing and strengthening Christian relationships. Each bundle box contains five age-appropriate Bible studies: Obey, My Brother’s Keeper, Making Peace, Becoming a Servant, and Navigating Friendships— plus, some fun bonus items!
Sibling Relationship Challenge
Next, if we are going to teach our kids to love one another, we need to give them practical tools for making that happen. We can’t assume that our kids think of these things on their own, so we need to be helping them on a regular basis. This will look different for each kid, each family, and each situation. It might be mom whispering an idea in one child’s ear. It could be starting a tradition at dinner where you take turns complimenting one “person of the day” each day. (Yes, it will be shallow to start off with, but with practice, the kids will get better.)
I want to help you (ahem, and me) with this super fun Sibling Challenge Journal full of easy ways to love your siblings. Click the image below to learn more.
Need More Help With Sibling Relationships?
- Teach your children the 6 special reasons God gave them siblings and how to foster sibling love.
- Learn the truth about kids fighting and how to stop it.
- Here are 8 awesome gifts for siblings!
Share Your Ideas For a Strong Sibling Relationships
I pray this post has given you ideas for building a strong foundation for sibling relationships in your home. Remember to have more grace than impatience and try to understand the frustrations your kids are learning to deal with. Sibling relationships are a tough issue to battle, but it’s worth every minute!
What are your ideas for building strong sibling relationships? Share them with us by commenting below.
Through practical tools & Bible-based resources, Kim Sorgius is dedicated to helping your family GROW in faith so you can be Not Consumed by life’s struggles. Author of popular kid’s devotional Bible studies and practical homeschooling tools, Kim has a master’s degree in education and curriculum design coupled with over 2 decades of experience working with kids and teens. Above all, her most treasured job is mother and homeschool teacher of four amazing kiddos.
Can’t wait to read it!
is this material that’s being shipped? I just purchased it but there are links to download it; I didn’t realize it was a download!
All materials on my site are digital.
Thank you! I am printing week one for my kids’ binders to do during our Bible time next week. What a blessing you are to us.
You are a blessing to me as well! I hope you are still enjoying it!
Hi
I just want to make sure if I purchase the bible study the jr level it can be for sisters and the title is just a saying My Brothers keeper but not necessarily does the siblings need to be brother and sister?
Thank you
It’s applicable to any gender: brothers or sisters. The title is just based on the Bible verse where Cain asks God if he is supposed to be his brother’s keeper. 🙂
Can you tell me which version of the bible you used to write this…we started yesterday and my daughter “needs” to have the words match up exactly : )
I primarily use ESV and KJV to write. Probably have her use ESV if she feels the need to be exact. There are a few places where I specifically noted to look up the scripture in a particular translation. Otherwise, I do try very hard to make it so that children can figure out the answers regardless of version!
Thank you! Yes, she is a perfectionist…it’s a problem
Hi Kim!
I have been following your blog for a few weeks now. This study is exactly what I have been looking for. I have been at my witts end lately with my two, it just seems that peace and harmony have all but disappeared from our lives lately. I purchased your study last night and can not wait to start this with my son and daughter. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Hi! Great resource thank you for your heart for family and all you pour into us readers. My son is 6 and my daughter is 4. If my daughter is just learning to write and doesn’t yet read will the junior study still work for us please? Thank you kindly! Ashley
Yes, the junior version would be a good fit.
hi Kim, I have a Teen of 17 and one who’s 8 yrs old…. boys.
I always think that’s kind a unique situation as the “toy sharing” thing you recommend doesn’t really work…. although I love that idea…
However, between my two boys there’s an ongoing rivalry as the older one is constantly unnerved because of something the younger one is doing “to him”. This can be just whistling near him or just ….well…. being an 8 year old behaving kid….
So, I’ve tried a couple of things but nothing seems to help. It even feels sometimes like it seems the older one just hates the younger….
He even behaves totally different when the younger one isn’t at home….
So, as the study is rather for younger kids, im not sure if I should still get it…. or try out something else…
Whoever’s got an idea….I’m open….?
Thanks!
It’s definitely a challenge with such an age gap. However, I would take advantage of this opportunity to train your oldest to mentor the younger. This is an opportunity for him to learn to deal with annoying little people and see past that.
Hello! I feel so blessed to have found your site. I have an idea I want to implement with my family, but it’s a bit of a logistical head-scratcher as I’m not design savvy. Here’s what I’m hoping to do:
There was a large coffee company I worked for for many years and they had what was called a “Partner Appreciation” board in each store’s backroom. It was meant to celebrate teammates. They provided cards with illustrations and verbiage around the skill being praised (there were 4 they focused on), and then gave room to write a note as to the specific quality, skill, or action of that particular person that you were celebrating. You’d then pop it in the partner’s little envelope and they’d discover it later. It was like a small way to bless each team member and build unity. I would love to come up with something along these lines for my family, and my idea began with focusing on the fruits of the Spirit. Would you be interested in diving into this idea and maybe creating some cards that capture verses related to the fruits of the Spirit? I would HAPPILY buy the printable!
Thanks for sharing this Robin! We will put it on our idea list. 🙂
Do you have a link of ideas to foster that relationship? I’m struggling to come up with ideas.
Hi Lori,
Here is a link to a compilation of all of our different posts about helping kids learn to love their siblings!
https://www.notconsumed.com/sibling-rivalry-the-solutions-you-need-to-help-kids-get-along/
Taking turns is one of best “people” skills I think my kids have learned to date. It started when my oldest wanted to watch a video and so she would get to choose a 3 minute one and then it was my turn (and as a mom, yeah, there were a lot I wanted to watch with her too!) It’s worked as they learn music with preschoolprodigies, getting to choose activity we do next, time on swing, you name it – and I plan to use it for the rest of their time at home with me!
You asked for anything that works for us:) but your articles are amazing. So full of God’s grace in action. Thank you for your life shared!!!!!! It influences sooooo many!