A shame as dirty as the floor washed over me as I pulled the number from the dispenser. Babies wailed and mommas fidgeted. Numbers were called one-by-one. Brokenness filled the room. I couldn’t help but wonder about the circumstances that had left each person applying for government assistance. Abandoned families. Laid-off employees. Cancer patients. I prayed and reminded myself that God was in control over circumstances. Mine and theirs.
I fought the tears and resolved to maintain control. The moment would finally come when my number was called and she ushered us to her office. Right away, I could see that this social worker was not having a good day. She never looked up. Her tone was condescending and her heart cold. She fired questions at me, as if she was hoping to trap me. My situation was bleak and I needed the money, so I endured.
She had no patience, no understanding, and no tact.
On the form, I had checked married, but stated that he left. “That means you are separated, honey,” she jeered. I couldn’t find the voice to respond, so she continued. “You might as well face it. You are a single mom now.” It was the first time I would hear those words and it burned deep. The urge to choke her flooded over me, but I resolved not to come unglued. My heart withered in fear. I had no control over my life and the future was terrifying. I didn’t like it, but she was right. I was now a single mom.
Single mom.
For me, those words have always come with a wave of negativity.
I picture her living in a trailer, eating cans of beans from the church’s food bank and working while her babes sleep at night. She’s tired, mistreated, misunderstood, and often cries herself to sleep at night. Her heart is bitter and lonely and her responsibilities pile much higher than that sink of dirty dishes.
I grew up with this reality and I knew that it was the one thing that I never wanted to be. It was the one thing I feared the most. The one thing I worked the hardest to prevent. But it turns out that it’s not something I can control. Sweet friend…did you hear that? It’s not something you can control. Godly men fall off the deep end in an instant. Even pastors, deacons and missionary men. Families shatter and you find yourself sitting in the piles of destruction.
I’ve lived in that destruction for 2 years, 8 months and 2 days. Up until this very moment, I have never used the phrase “single mom.” Even when it was a matter of getting food for my children, I refused to allow it to define me. Yet, the reality is…I am a single mom. I care for 4 small children by myself. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t want this. It doesn’t matter that I begged him to stay. It doesn’t matter that I pray daily for God to restore our family. The reality is…he isn’t here and I do this thing alone.
I’m a single mom.
Declaring this “status” makes it hard to breathe. The fear of the unknown, the lack of financial resources, the emotional trauma and the judging eyes all carry great heartache. But for me, my greatest fear is the lack of acceptance. I fear that this will be the one thing that will keep me from being loved.
So often, people assume that single moms brought their depravity upon themselves. I know they do, because I’ve been one of those people. I’ve judged and pointed fingers. I’ve believed the lie that she could have been a better wife. I’ve watched her car pull into McDonald’s and passed judgement, never wondering how I could help with the mountain of responsibility that she never asked for. I’ve avoided friendships with single moms and I’ve offered “suggestions” as to their working status. I’ve even held the same critical views of myself.
Oh, how I wish I had known the pain, the utter depravity that a mom feels that can’t be comforted with piles of bills, laundry, and toys. Oh, how I wish that I had just once stopped to think about how badly she needed a friend or how desperate she was for a hug. Oh, how I wish that I had just stopped judging and tried to understand. But honestly, there is no way to understand or fathom what a single mom experiences. Until you’ve been there.
As it turns out, being a single mom is not a label, it’s a situation. And situations are what you make of them.
Single mom, it’s time we stop believing the lie that what other people think matters. NO ONE else can define us, but our Father. Right now, we can choose to believe what God says about us. There is no mold or stereotype to threaten us. EVEN if it was entirely your fault that he left, God’s love for you (and me) is scandalous. It’s never-ending. All-consuming. Merciful and powerful. He chose us and adopted us as treasured daughters (Eph 1:4-8).
Perhaps you didn’t choose to be a single mom, but you can chose to bask in the love of our Savior, not allowing negativity to invade. We can claim the promise that He is in control and that His plan works all things for our good, even when others intend harm (Gen. 50:20). We can choose to believe that even in this circumstance God is working, refining our own depravity into a crown of beauty (Is. 63)
Ashley says
This was so beautifully written, it brought me to tears. I have been a single mom since my now 20 month old was 3 weeks old. I left my abusive ex husband the minute he tried to snatch her out of my arms as a way to threaten me. I still don’t have the single mom thing figured out, but I am realizing that it is for my Heavenly Father to control, not me. Thank you for taking the time to write this, I somehow feel cleansed of so much hurt and shame and guilt. It’s a sleepless night, I prayed and prayed for answers. Then I got on the computer and looked up Christian Single Mom Blogs since my hope is to start my own. Jesus led me here, he always delivers us!
Kim Sorgius says
I love how God provides! Thank you for sharing.
Patricia Thomas says
So awesome I found myself feeling defeated and a shame overwhelmed.. I read some of God truth but slowly it slip from my mind thank you writing this. It just shows me I’m not the only one! God is good in he will let us right where we are’ so glad to have come across this blog
Virginia says
Wow, you really write well!
I appreciate this post so much. Much love to you, and praying for YOU!! …from another Jesus loving, homeschooling, single mom. xo
Kim Sorgius says
Thank you!
Kristy says
Nice article. I remember the strength to carry on rising in me. I sacrificed much for my kids as a single mom. Truth is, I burnt out. The human body wasn’t meant to withstand what I endured. My doctor said I lived two life times and I HAD to stop. Or my body would give out and I wouldn’t be able to stop it. I was I 3 court cases. Family court. Worked 2 jobs. 15-18 hours a day. I was 34. I carried on because single moms HAVE to. I didn’t know I was crashing and I didn’t have anyone to help me. No programs for the burnt out mom. I wasn’t looking for a man. Leaders in my church can testify to my integrity. I decided to date after 4 yrs of singleness. I was smart about it. But Satan does pose as a ray of light. I ended up marrying that man with church leadership blessings(he held 2leadership positions at our large Jesus believing church. He turned out to be a wolf. A VERY NICE wolf. I did crash and was sick over 3 yrs. He’s an abusive unfaithful addict. I didn’t even know cause I was sick. Danderously sick. He left a heap on the food of our home. Abused my children. Our church finally knows what he’s done. I’m alone and abandoned by my church. So are my kids. My son only knows what an addicted man is like as s father. My daughter is scared for her future husband because she realizes you attract what you are and all she knows is the same as her brother. I’m a prayer worrier and survived what most experts say would have many to give up. Where is God for the single mom? Isn’t he father to the fatherless? I cried out for wisdom help strength.
Hannah D says
I googled “Christian single mom blogs” and this was the first one that came up. I’m at work currently and this is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. It’s amazing how God can work through other peoples thoughts and words. Thank you for sharing this. I can’t wait to read more!
When I’m not working of course (;
Dianne Lami says
Excellent post. I’m a mentor mom (never was a single mom) as part of a ministry to single moms in our church and am struggling in my writing to best encourage our moms in their walk with the Lord. When I searched for “Christian blogs for single moms” your blog was the first and is the best! I had typed in just blogs for single moms and oh boy! Well, you know, we Believers are called to be separate here in this journey on earth. Without His hope, His strength, His Word moms can go in all sorts of unhealthy directions. I so appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. We mid-aged mentor moms (there’s five of us) open our arms and hearts to receive our moms on Wednesday nights with a light meal for them and their children, a teaching from the Word, prayers, genuine hugs and love and then we each mentor about three or four moms by journaling with them and spending extra time with them as they need/want during the week. So my prayer is that there are more ministries through the church for our single moms. Thanks for sharing your heart.
Brynna says
God bless you! This article really blessed my heart ❤️ I am a young single mom to an almost one year old son. I love Jesus with all my heart & am striving to live His will every day. During the past year and a half, I have experienced exponential spiritual growth… getting closer and closer with God. I thank Him for my life. For my son. For my miraculous turn-around. Although I have known God my whole life, I did have a period where I went astray. During this time I became pregnant. He does not know that he is my son’s father. I didn’t trust that it would be a good situation at the time… lately I find myself wondering if our relationship can be reconciled. I’m praying that no matter what, God’s will be done. However, my heart feels so broken over this situation.
Thank you again for this beautiful article. And thanks for the safe venting space.
Sara says
Hello.. I read your article.. May I am out of the group.. I am not a single mom.. But I can understand the lif of a single mom.. After my father passed away, my mother had to take up all the responsibility on herself.. I really loved this article.. And I am glad that even after these many trials you are still strong in the Lord…
Sydney says
Thank you so so much for this. My marriage is rocky right now and I’m just waiting for him to want a divorce… I needed this.
Pamela says
Being a single mom is not an easy task. I am not a single mom but i can feel the pain. Anyways. your article is good and thanks for a good read.
Desiree says
Thank you for this. I didn’t want to ever be a single mom either. I still don’t want it even though it’s my reality. I had to leave my abusive ex fiance a few months ago and I still can’t wrap my mind around everything that happened. I just know I’m hurt and now I realize all my dreams of being married and a family will never happen. That they were all fake. I’m 24 and I don’t feel like I will ever be happy again.
I feel hopeless. I don’t know how I’m going to do anything. I was a stay at home mom. I don’t want this life. My daughter is one and I still don’t feel like I’ve truly bonded with her because during the abuse I was so disconnected from reality. All I can find online is how no one wants single moms. And how gross and disgusting they are. It’s crazy how even if you are a single mom because you left an abusive situation people still blame you because you should have known that he was a bad guy. I didn’t know I was being abused until after I left.
Being a single mom is the most shameful thing in the world. It shows the world that the father of my child saw no value in me and no man will ever see me as valuable again . I won’t have the family I dreamed of and I will most likely die alone.
I’m trying to trust God and remember that when the world hates you it’s a blessing because you share in Christ’s suffering. But it is so hard. It’s hard to feel absolutely worthless and there is nothing you can do to change it.
Barbara says
Hi Desiree,
I just read your comment and felt inclined to reply you because I could feel your pain. I’ve been where you are. The shame, the guilt, anger etc but I can assure you that it will pass and you’ll feel much stronger, more confident in how amazing you are as a single mother. You’ll realise that you’re worth much more than gold and the moment you start feeling that way, others you meet will feel the same. I was where you are. Since I changed my mindset, I have had men we would consider as “a big catch” (lol) as suitors. However, it has now become my decision to remain single for now because I want a man who does all he can to please God. A man who will teach and guide my daughter alongside me in the ways of Christ. A man who will also be that iron that sharpens mine in my spiritual growth. This is now my focus and it pleases me. God has now become what everything is my life is being centered around and I love it. The fact that this is so, gives me assurance that God at the right time will make my path and that man’s path meet. I don’t worry about it anymore. I’m finally free. And YOU WILL GET TO THAT POINT TOO! JUST FOCUS ON GOD…FOCUS ON JESUS CHRIST…FOCUS ON THE HOLY SPIRIT. AND I GUARANTEE YOU THAT YOU WILL BE RENEWED SHORTLY. I’m sending you all my love and will keep you in my prayers.
Taylor says
I am beyond thankful for coming across your article!! It has been almost 5 months since I took me and my son & I left my abusive fiancé for good. I’ve never been so scared, alone, angry, hurt, and full of regret. I never wanted this for my baby boy or for my myself. I wanted the little family I created. I met my son’s father during one of the darkest times in my life. Remember, Satan masquerades himself as an angel of Light… I’ve know our Savior my entire life, but I’ve had such an issue with pushing Him away & doing my own thing. During this circumstance the Good Lord has took ahold of my heart & I’ve fallen in love with Him more and more each day ❤️ In exactly 7 days I will be going to court over custody for my son… I am terrified. I’ve scared of my ex hurting my son. Ive been praying and praying, asking God to please please intervene and to stop my ex from doing any harm to my son or me. The hardest thing is having to accept the fact that me and my baby were abused. I beat myself up a lot, mad at myself for not leaving sooner! I’ve also been craving a Christian friendship with another single Christian mom! I so badly want to have an accountability partner, one who knows what I’m going through. I’m praying for God’s will to be done ❤️ Thank you so so much for your Godly advice! ❤️
Barbara says
Hi Taylor,
I know this is late and I hope the case went well and you feel better. Please, try not to worry. When you start feeling fearful, please remember Joshua 1:9 “Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.”
Keep mediating on His word so that it sinks in. Believe every word because it’s true. And always talk to Him. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you and your son through these times. Please, smile. Your son will grow prosperously and make you proud. Believe it and focus on you and him. Don’t let your worries be magnified because Jehovah is way bigger than any such worry. You can get an accountability partner if that will help but always remember to draw strength from Christ and I’m certain all will be well. Talk when you need to, engage in activities that make you feel good and renew your spirit, laugh…a lot (it’s healing) and focus on God. Nothing and nobody can take away God’s love for you. Romans 8 38-39. Stay blessed my sister.
LaTia Reynolds says
I literally googled “Christian single mother blogs.” This blog entry came right on time. I too am a single mom if 4. When my ex left I was left to care for everything on my own. Being a single mom, doing everything in your own is nothing easy – let alone trying to somehow maintain your spiritual life. This has encouraged me so much. Thank you for this entry that I “stumbled” upon. God bless you!
Jennifer says
Hello, I have been a single mom for 10 yrs. now. I was not a christian when I became single. I was so far from the Lord it’s not even funny. I was bitter and angry for so long. I turned to drugs and alcohol to ease my pain and get me through my days. I was a terrible example for my kids but I didn’t know any other way to get thru. During all of this God called me near to him. I have struggled in so many ways and I still do today. Some of my battles I have conquered with the strength of the Lord. Some things I fight so hard for and fail daily. I came to know Christ about 4 years ago and have been on a roller coaster since. I feel so alone many days because I had to leave my bad influences, but I hold tight to Christ. I’m still fighting shame and guilt but I’m better than I used to be. To be honest I feel crazy and like no one really understands me or my struggle because of where I’ve come from to where I am now. I’m far from a good person, I’m far from holy. I still have bad habits I’m trying to kick, I still have a negative attitude I’m trying to rid myself of; but I am holding on to Christ. No matter how I feel and what I do wrong I keep going back to the one I know, the one who never leaves me, the one who knows me better than I know myself and still loves me. I am learning to trust the Lord’s word above all else. That He who has begun a good work will continue until completion. I’m not sure of much but I do know I am not who I used to be and I press forward to the person God wants me to be. It’s not easy and I would love to have a christian friend who has a heart for God and people, who could help me walk thru all this. If God is who I know Him to be he will provide in His perfect timing.