Remnants of lunch smeared across her pants, she totes a toddler on one hip and a diaper bag big enough for a family of 12. She can’t remember the last time she slept through the night or went to the bathroom by herself.
“No” is her new middle name and an empty coffee cup is a serious emergency. Yep, she’s the mom of a toddler. Possibly the most physically exhausting job there is. And somewhere in there she’s supposed to train these little hearts toward Jesus?
I remember well those early parenting days. My first two babies were 13 months apart. Many days, I thought I would die. I wondered if I’d ever go to the bathroom without someone dumping a box of cereal on the carpet or if my Bible would grow dust from all of those mornings that I was just too tired to crack it open. It was hard. Even though I was so graciously blessed with the privilege of having those sweet little tots, it was plain hard.
Mom, just because your friend has 2 or 3 more kids than you do, don’t discount how difficult those toddler years are. Don’t discount how hard it is to just have one. This parenting thing is new everyday and just when you think you’ve got the little guy figured out, he changes.
A few months ago I wrote a post on consequences for little hearts. The post itself was full of ideas that were applicable for children about age 5-12. But this leaves a huge gap. Knowing that those early years, before age 5, are crucial to your child’s development, I wanted to offer up a few pieces of wisdom for parenting the toddler years. Be encouraged mama, you can do this!
The Don’ts of parenting the toddler years
Don’t take it personally…defiance is a flesh issue not a reflection of her love for you.
Don’t always hover…let her experience minor natural consequences for naughty behavior.
Don’t explain everything…you’ll have plenty of time to share the moral reason why when he is older.
Don’t offer choices…this includes clothes, colors, foods, etc. Save the battles for later.
Don’t let media dictate your child’s behavior…she will imitate what she watches.
Don’t compare your child to others…he will learn to obey at his own pace.
The Do’s of parenting the toddler years
Make quiet time your priority
I know it’s hard. No, I really know. But I promise it’s a worthwhile investment in your children. If you can wake up FOR your kids, you won’t wake up TO them. And your whole day will change. Sign up for Hello Mornings this fall and make it your priority. I’ll be your cheerleader!
Find a Titus 2 woman
If at all possible, find yourself a mentor, a Titus 2 woman who can walk with you through these years. I would encourage you to make broad your definition of “older woman.” While those women who have graduated multiple children are a wealth of knowledge, they have forgotten a LOT of what happens in the trenches of toddlerhood. Instead, find a mom with multiple children who are late elementary or middle school. These moms have toddlerhood fresh on their minds. Trust me!
Find grace
When I first had children, there was one thing that I was SURE of. My children would obey. The first time. Period. Over the years I have learned that this is a ridiculous expectation. Do I obey the first time every time? (God is shaking his head furiously right now.) If I can’t meet that expectation as an adult, then I can’t place that expectation on my little guys. I’m not saying to throw it all out the window and just let them do whatever they want. Be firm and consistent, but know that you must find grace for that sweet little defiant face.
Make a schedule
If you cringe at the thought of a schedule and you have toddlers, I challenge you to consider trying it. Toddlers thrive on structure. They should get up roughy the same time, take a nap at roughly the same time, and have meals at roughly the same time. This type of consistency helps them feel secure.
Give instructions
Remember, you are mom. Don’t ask your child what she wants to do. Give instruction for what you want her to do. If you ask her is she wants to go to bed, do you honestly think she will ever say yes? Your question indicates to her that it’s an option and it isn’t. The same thing goes for “ok.” Don’t put that on the end of your instructions. “Get in the car, ok?” is a choice. But you aren’t offering a choice. You want her in the car. So state that.
Expect obedience
When you ask your child to do something or to stop doing something, ask only once. Don’t count to three. Don’t threaten…”if you do that one more time, I’m going to…” Simply state your command one time. IF the child is disobedient, move directly to corrective discipline. Otherwise, you make yourself a liar and that reputation will stick.
Fight disobedience with consistency
Most offenses by a toddler involve the hands. These are new tools that he is just starting to understand. Discipline remains the same regardless of circumstances. If he takes a friend’s toy, pushes a sibling, or touches the tv remote, squeeze his hand and say no. If that doesn’t stop the behavior, remove him from the room.
For example, if he touches something he shouldn’t…
1st offense…make eye contact and say no
2nd offense…squeeze hand and say no
3rd offense…remove the child to his crib or a high chair in another room
Teach them to say “yes mom”
I start this really early. If baby is doing something naughty, I tell him no, remove him from the situation and say- “yes mom” while I am showing him obedience. Once he is about 18 months old, I would first say “no” and then coax him to obedience while saying “yes mom.” If he doesn’t comply, pick him up and show him obedience while saying “yes mom.” (If he goes back to the problem area, then I would confine him in the high chair or pack n’ play.)
Set boundaries
Speaking of confining, the best thing you can do for yourself with a toddler is to set boundaries during the day. Have a time set aside for “high chair” time and put him in it while you clean the kitchen or pay the bills. Have a “room time” where your tot stays in his crib (lights on, with toys) to play. This frees you up to get a shower or brush your teeth with the assurance that he is safe. It also makes him more compliant in the grocery cart, doctor’s office, or anywhere else where he can not run free. Yes, he may cry at first, but it won’t hurt him to learn that sometimes we have to sit still or stay in one place. More on room time here.
Learn to ignore tantrums
Unless your child is hurting someone, let her throw a tantrum. Ignore it. Walk away. Do some dishes. Whatever you do, don’t try and problem solve it. Tantrums don’t dignify a response. And this is applicable to any age.
Keep on doing it
Be patient. Training toddlers takes a LOT of consistency. Don’t expect perfection. In fact, your toddler is probably better at obeying than you think. If you feel discouraged, get a sheet of paper and make tallies for the number of times he obeys each day vs. the number of times he doesn’t.You’ll be surprised at how many times he actually does obey. Look for progress, not perfection. That’s your goal in this phase.
Get some great resources
It can be hard to find parenting books with specifics for dealing with toddlers. So often they are geared toward older kids or they are simply too generic to be of help. My favorite practical book for this stage is On Becoming Toddlerwise. I also love Mom’s Notes by Carla Link. Both are full of very practical advice for specific situations that arise in toddlerhood. In addition, Chronicles of a Babywise Mom is an excellent online resource for practical ways to help your toddler.
Be encouraged
Sweet mom, if you don’t hear anything else in the post, I want you to know this. God has given you this precious child. You can not mess him up, because God’s love for him fills the gaps of your failures. We all fail, but in God’s grace every single one of our children is held in His hands.
A printable prayer for you…
For a downloadable version, click here…[download id=”6″]
Do you have tips for the toddler years? Burning questions that I didn’t answer? Please share!
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Looking for a better way to encourage your children to pray?
Theresa says
Thanks for the encouragement! I’m glad I found this article (made me cry) because my twins (one boy/one girl) are wearing me down. They are two and it has been an exhaustive two months. Structure has been something I have strived at and right now…I need grace…
Kama says
I can’t tell you how much I needed this post today. I came across it on Pinterest and I cried while reading it. I have a 20 month old little boy, who has really been testing me lately. He’s very good when we’re out and about. In fact, I frequently get complimented on how well he behaves. However, when we are at home, just the two of us, he is just impossible. One of my biggest challenges right now is teaching him how to treat our 2 dogs. Thankfully, I have wonderful dogs who tolerate A LOT. He can be very sweet to them and kisses and hugs them, but he tends to not know when they’ve had enough even if I’m telling him that he was good giving them hugs and kisses, but now they’ve had enough. He also loves to make them run which would be fine if making them run didn’t involve running dump trucks over them.
Elizabeth says
I feel the same, I cried. Sometimes I feel like a failure but I’m trying. It’s just me and my daughter, she’s clinging, seems like I tell her no more and more everyday. She acts like she will do it one way or another. Thanks for posting your comment
Kelly says
Over the years I have lost my faithfulness in god, but when I hear people like you spread messages of “love” it really reminds me of the joyfulness and virtuous side of religion- so thank you for that. reading your blog has been truly refreshing!! I have a VERY smart, and consequently very mischievous independent little 28 month old old and a VERY demanding and emotionally exhausting 11 month old right on her heels. Searching for the positivity in all the chaos makes a world of difference. Even just a “can do” attitude with whatever parenting style you choose- they respond very well to confident instructions. I notice when I respond the the “catalyst” I.e. a whole roll of toilet paper jammed in the toilet with hast and malice- she repeats that negative behavior ten fold. I strive to be a positive nurturing mom who doesn’t need to raise her voice or use aggression and fear to parent. Thank you for helping me on my journey! You’re an inspiration 🙂
Lauren says
Thank you so much for this! My son is 2.5. Until 3 weeks ago he was a perfect napper (3 hour nap at 1PM every day for over a year). Then he stopped. Every day has been a trial since then, and I needed this encouragement so very badly! Your ideas sound outright brilliant, things I never would have thought of because they’re so different from how you parent older kids.
When you mentioned how you don’t obey the first time either, an enormous metaphorical light bulb exploded in my head! and your explanation for giving them time in an enclosed space rocked my world. I’d always thought he needed more outside time to run around, but your argument for also including time in a small place was so perfectly logical I can’t believe it never occurred to me. Plus, that means I can take a decent shower! (you know, the kind where you actually wash AND condition your hair!)
But when you said I won’t totally screw him up because God’s love will fill in the gaps of my failure, my heart just broke. Nothing could be more encouraging, more uplifting, nor more hopeful than being reminded that God is ultimately parenting my child. I am only a tool, and that is absolutely freeing.
Thank you so much.
Robyn says
Amazing how posts like this can be found just when you need it most. I am currently 22 weeks preggers with kiddo # 2, our daughter is 27 months old and lately she has been acting out terribly to the point that I’ve actually become an ugly mommy and have hated the way I am around her. Hubby and I were at each others throats last night in terms of disciplining her and we’ve both realised our respective approaches haven’t been working too well. I’ve now printed this blog post and I’m going to read it with him tonight. Such simple and logical ideas which I can see working. At least I hope they will, don’t think I can handle a tantrum-y toddler plus a new born 🙂 Really great read and much appreciated
Nannette says
Thank you! I have a 2.5 yo and 4 month old. My toddler was always so compliant before our second darter was born. Now I find myself always full of anger and empty of patience. My older daughter knows there has been a change and has to share my time, attention, and energy, so she gets it however she can. Usually a negative response. I find myself begging for forgiveness nightly when the girls are in bed and apologizing to my toddler often for losing my patience, very humbling.
Kathie Morrissey says
What a great post! Very practical tips, and encouragement for struggling moms. And don’t we all have our struggles?! I would love for you to post this on my Tuesday Link up party so my readers can enjoy it.
http://courtshipconnection.com/?p=4615
jenna says
This article is beautifully written and provides some great ideas to use during these trying years! I just wanted to add that after talking with a good friend of mine who is a child psychologist, he warned me on the repercussions of using a high chair or bed as a time away spot! He mentioned you should never make a child feel trapped which can create fear and anxiety. A bed should be a calm soothing place for a child to feel safe and secure to sleep. Even adults are supposed to only use beds as a place to sleep and….well you know :). Negative association with a bed creates sleep problems. The same is true for a high chair, it should be used in a positive manner to ensure happyand healthy eating habits
jenna says
(It posted before I finished) His suggestion was to purchase a bean bag, special comfy chair or even a small child size tent. Put a basket with a calm down jar, blanket and a stress ball and put the child in this spot as a calm down area away from everyone else. When the are calm and feel they are ready to rejoin the activity they may do so. By following this procedure you are allowing the child to feel in control…which is often why most battles occur and teaching self regulation! You will find that at first your child will not stay there…this will be very trying for a day or two…just keep taking him or her back and say you may come back when you are calm the first time, then say nothing each time after that. They will eventually stay there…just be her consistent. You might be surprised that after a few days some children learn to go to the calm down spot on their own!! I’m really excited yo implement some of the wonderful ideas here. Thanks for a great post!
amber says
I found your post at just the right moment. Lying in bed feeling utterly drained nd such a failure…. I have a 2 and 6 year old. Always fighting and never listening. Typical siblings and because im a “work at home mom” my voice usually isnttheard unless im yelling 🙁 your ideas are awesome an i plan on using them… all of them! I do have a question for you…. i keep children in my home and recently ive been catching the little boy (5) playing with himself. I know this is completly normal behavior….espfor a boy BUT im not entirley happy with the way his mom tolddm she handles thus at home. When i told her about it she said she has gad a conversation with himabiut ut and has told him that he can only do that in private in his room with the door shut. I am really struggling with this. I dont have boys but i really feel like i wouldnt tell my 5 year old that thats ok to do just shut the door….. :/ im looking for a christian opinion on this from a mother with a son.
amber says
So sorry for all the mistypes! Been a long day and im using the nook…. not very good at this:)
Kim Sorgius says
Amber,
I would encourage you to read Raising Real Men by Hal and Melanie Young. You can get it here…http://www.raisingrealmen.com/orders/
Hal and Melanie are parents to 6 boys and I LOVE their perspective on this and many other issues that mother’s of boys face.
Jenn says
We taught my 2-year-old to say “yes mommy/daddy” when we give him an instruction, and when he remembers to do it by himself, it’s one of the cutest things he does. We praise him and give him big smiles when he remembers to do it himself, and he beams.
And I read something really interesting about tantrums recently. I don’t have the link, but I bet a Google search would find it. It was an article about what scientists learned about tantrums (and what many parents and teachers most likely already know!): Tantrums have distinct phases. Phase one is anger, and there’s not much (constructive, at least) an adult can do to stop the fit at this point, other than be sure the child isn’t hurting himself or anything/anyone else. The second phase is sadness, and this is the phase where the parent can step in quickly and comfort the sad child. Most children are not in a “teaching moment” when they are angry, but they are more likely to actually hear and listen when they are being comforted by a gentle, firm, loving parent after their anger has passed.
We use this in my house by having time outs in cribs when a toddler has lost touch with sanity. This gives them a safe place to deal with their anger, and mom or dad asks them if they are ready to do the correct behavior: show their sibling nice hands after hitting, use a nice voice after yelling in anger, or picking up a toy that was thrown. If they’re not ready, they say no, and spend a few more moments being angry. After a few mom/dad check-ins, they say yes, and easily and happily “do what they are supposed to do” without having an attitude. This lets them be in charge of themselves, and do the right thing when they are ready to have a good attitude about it. Every kid is different, but this is what works for us so far!
Hannah says
Omg, that’s totally where i am now! 3 1/2, 13 mo, and due in 2 1/2 mo…I am at my wits end. My 3 yr old has really increased her defiance lately, and little man shreaks/screams for EVERYTHING. I’m mentally exhausted.
I’m all for room/crib time. But my son doesn’t talk yet so I’m not sure how to gauge how much he’s understanding.
Stephanie says
I’m so thankful the Lord set me “stumble” upon your site. I’m in my early 40’s. My husband and I weren’t able to have children and felt led to be foster parents. To put a very long story short, we now have four children ages 1, 2, 3, and 4 (sibling group). When went from zero to four children in less than a year. We’ve now had the oldest three for 2 years now; the youngest came to us straight from the hospital. We hope to adopt them, but it’s looking more apparent they will go back to their mother.
Up until this month, my husband and I both worked full-time; I am now staying home full-time (having two full-time “jobs” was killing me). I knew the adjustment would be a process, especially for the kids since they have been in a wonderful daycare the last two years. But I’m having a hard time figuring out a good schedule that works for all of them, especially since the 4 year old easily becomes bored. Living in Oklahoma, July/August are HOT, so outside isn’t always an option. Anyway, I’ve been feeling almost overwhelmed and feeling like the biggest screw up of a parent in the world. The Lord has used your words to calm my spirits a bit. Thank you.
Stacey says
Hi, thank you for this post! I’m a daycare provider of infants, toddlers, and a preschooler. Lately the toddlers have been driving me bonkers! The older one (18 months) is being sneaky waiting for me to turn my back and then she does something I just told her not to do. She tackles the other toddler (17 months) from behind and when he’s on the floor she tries to bite his back if I don’t pull her off first! Or she’ll climb on things I repeatedly told her not to, redirect her and show her what she can climb on (the playhouse), but she keeps doing what I’ve told her not to climb on and then she gets hurt but continues to do it! Or they’ll both sneak into the lockers (which they know is a no-no) or the bathroom to pull out diapers from the cabinet and I constantly tell them to stay out and redirect them either by giving them stuff to play with, taking a walk, timeout or finally naptime! I know they learn from consistency and repetition, but how to I get them to mind and behave? I’ve tried smiling and telling them in a nice voice but I get so frustrated. I’ve tried the highchair and the playpen but she tries to climb out of the highchair! I tell them over and over we can’t do _______ because they’ll get hurt or it’s not nice… but they can do _______ and I don’t think they’re being teachable. That’s something I keep praying is that they’ll be teachable and I’ll have wisdom, but my love tank is depleting!
jelli says
Your 1st two paragraphs are my life story. I can totally relate to this and am so happy to find another mama who “gets” it! THANK YOU.
Sylvie says
I agree with most of your comments. In my life, I turn to the Lord to be guided on how to be a mom. It is important to understand that we need to take into consideration that every child is different. Our oldest one is very verbal. She needs to talk and be explained things. But the youngest one needs to be told what to do because she becomes a brat if you let her out of control.
I have a concern with the “Yes mom” thing. I want to make sure that my daughters can say no to someone who might want to do them harm. I believe that teaching critical thinking instead of blind obedience is critical in the world we leave in.
MrsP says
I found your post much later than everyone else but I needed it so badly today. I’m an adoptive mom and a foster mom of 3 siblings: almost 3, almost 2, and 8 months (they’re all 13 months apart). I struggle so greatly with my insecurities about parenting them the right way and “making up” for the deficiencies of their biology. I constantly feel like I’m losing the battle.
They used to sleep very well but now it’s summertime in the northern mountains and they’ve decided they don’t need to sleep at all. I can’t keep up with them. I’m tense and angry and tired. It’s hours of fighting them to go to sleep. Hours of fighting them for naps. Dread when I hear their cries in the morning. I try to be a fun mom but it just ends up being more work and more stress for me. I don’t know how to love them like I should.
A friend pointed out to me recently that 3 years ago, I was crying because I didn’t have any babies. Now I’m crying because I have too many.
Kim Sorgius says
Oh friend, I’m praying for the challenges you face! Parenting those little so close to together is hard! Mine are almost that close, so I get it. These days will be exhausting and no doubt they will bring tears. But with God’s strength, you will indeed get through it. And sometimes you’ll even miss it. Keep being as consistent as you can and stay on your knees!
Becca says
Hi Kim, wondering if you have any advice for talking back? I have a usually very sweet and very helpful just turned 4 year old girl, but running into some problems with disrespect and backtalk. Usually it happens when she gets frustrated at something (it can be anything-as simple as the fact that we are going home after pre-k and not somewhere “Fun”, or her getting upset that I disciplined the dog for running in the road), or I have told her “No” to something, and she has either told me “I don’t like you” etc in a very nasty voice and mean looks. I tend to just have her go in her room because when she gets in one of those moods she can usually go cool off there and after her “timeout” is usually fine the rest of the day. These are def. more frequent since starting pre-k, we hadn’t really had to use a timeout except very rarely all summer, now I would say maybe 3 a week at least. Then I go in and have her tell me what she did that wasn’t ok, and say sorry and re-explain to her about being kind to each other and using kind words, etc. What else would be a logical consequence?? Thanks!!
Kim Sorgius says
My first thought would be that I would be sure and tell her that it is rude and disrespectful to talk to an adult that way. It’s unkind to talk to another kid that way. There is a slight difference. I think this is important to point out because sometimes children don’t understand the difference. Neither is ok, for sure. But it’s is absolutely disrespectful to talk to an adult that way.
As far as consequences go, a time out isn’t far off from being logical for this. You might just say, “since you can not treat me with respect, you will not be able to be with me.” I would also note that if this is happening when she comes home from preschool, she might really need a little time alone to unwind. Some kids are like that. A few other options might be to have her say 5 kind things every time she says something unkind. However, at 4, that will be difficult for her to think of on her own. You’ll probably have to tell her kind things that she could say. I have also on rare occasion flicked the cheek of a youngster that couldn’t control their words. I don’t do it hard- the goal isn’t to hurt the child. Just enough for them to stop and think about what they are saying (this works well with a child who is throwing a fit in public).
Be encouraged my friend, it gets a little easier to talk about these things. In the next year, you will see a big difference!
Cara says
I have trouble finding consequences to give my 3 year old. He either doesn’t seem to care about any consequences I give or if he does then he just screams and throws things and bangs all over the house. I have tried putting him in his room and told him if he is yelling and screaming he is to be in his room (and accepted to myself that he will throw things in and bang around his room) but he either won’t stay in his room or will open and slam the door repeatedly. I try to walk away from the tantrum and ignore it. I hope this is the right thing to do. He often will follow me down the stairs refusing to be in his room. He wants control. I have gotten a lot better at not reacting and being consistent but I just feel like I am walking on eggshells with him all day long and I am tired of saying the same thing hundreds of times and fighting with him every step of the day. How do you deal with outright defiance and rudeness especially when not at home? Meal time especially is a battle. For one, stopping to wash hands and sit and eat interrupts what he wants to be doing and even if he’s on board with eating he gets out of his chair repeatedly or plays with his hands or utensils resulting in an hour long dinner time most days. I have a rule if he gets out of his chair I will take the plate away but this is a daily battle. I want him to eat enough and not waste food. He can be the most pleasant person to be around or he can just be outright rude and defiant to everyone around him. Any suggestions are appreciated.
Holly says
I have 3 children now 4, 3 and 19 months. All three of my children are very different. My oldest is by far my best behaved, but she is the most logical. When she does something I can reason with her and explain why we don’t do something. She’s been like this since she was about 18 months. My second is my problem child, the wild child. People tell me it’s normal with boys.
One of the things I’ve learned so far is consistency is very important. If you set a house rule follow it no matter what. If the rule breaker did something accidently, it still needs to be addressed, even if only to explain why they are not getting punished this time. It keeps them from getting confused. Another thing I do when talking to my toddler about their acrions is to be face to face. I crouch down to their level and insist they look me at me. If they refuse, then I come back when they are ready to listen. Next I make them repeat what I say, to the best of their ability. I keep it simple, “no hitting. OK.” She needs repeat no hitting and say to say, “OK, mommy.” it helps improve their speech, so double bonus!