I lost my virginity at age 12.
Now before you get all judgmental, I want you to hear the story. You see, I was a “good” Christian girl with no intentions of ever breaking any rules. I made straight A’s, went to church three times a week, and had a great relationship with my family. In fact, following rules made me feel secure and loved.
One afternoon I was one of several friends invited to a gathering at Kevin’s house. He went to my church and his family was very involved there. Plus, there were many friends present for the party. There would be games, adults, and lots of fun. From what anyone could tell, it was a normal and safe activity.
The trouble was, Kevin had another agenda. I was chosen for a quick spin on the 4-wheeler after several others had enjoyed a turn. But I never would have imagined the events that would unfold on that ride. What happened in those woods was wrong, awful, and completely foreign to me. He did “things” and I spent most of those moments trying to figure out what on earth he was doing. I thought it was a very peculiar activity and did indeed decide that I didn’t like it. But by then it was too late.
The saddest part of the story was that it would take a few more years before I truly even grasped what had happened that day. I had no idea what sex was. Having only a sister, I actually didn’t even know what the male anatomy looked like, much less what people did with it. I didn’t know what I had lost until after I was married.
So why am I telling you this? It isn’t because I think you should know about my sexual past. It’s because I care about your kids.
You see, there is an epidemic in our society of parents who STILL view the topic of sex as taboo, at least until a certain age. The thought is that if we protect our young children, then we can wait and discuss this often uncomfortable topic when they are much older.
Please hear me.
When they are much older, it may be too late.
The truth is, my story is actually not that uncommon. There are many young girls who go too far or experience sexual abuse largely in part because they don’t even recognize it. Their parents’ attempts to protect them become the VERY THING that ends up putting them in danger.
This has got to stop.
Talking to our kids about sex is not just to prevent promiscuous activity. This is also a crucial step in protecting our kids from sexual predators. I mean, think about it with me for a second. How on earth will they know if they are being abused if they don’t know what kinds of touch are appropriate or inappropriate? It’s simply not enough to say, “Don’t let anyone touch you under your swimsuit areas.”
It’s not enough to say, “Don’t kiss, touch, or date until you are 30, either.”
That was my mom’s approach to Christian sex education.
My mom was a great mom. She had nothing but good intentions and did everything in her power to raise me right. I’m not throwing her under the bus here. She thought that she was saying the right things to keep me morally and physically pure.
But what I’ve noticed is that she said many of the things I hear parents saying to their kids today and I can’t stay quiet any longer.
This discussion is a crucial one. We must talk to our kids about God’s design for sex and how it relates to their lives if they are going to have any chance at beating the wickedness of this world. We can’t blush and draw them in closer. Trust me, I want to do that as much as you do. But I know too well the cost of such a choice.
How to talk to your kids about sex without feeling uncomfortable
Like everything we do as parents, there is a simple and easy way to address the problem. Oh, and it also happens to be the right way. God has given us His Word to guide us and help us as we strive to teach our children. He commands us to use His Word for instruction, reproof, and training (2 Tim. 3:16). So we can rest easy and know that He has the right words for teaching our children about this delicate and crucial topic.
The trouble is, we can sometimes find ourselves floundering around in Scripture looking for a way to teach something. Have you ever been there?
I sure have. In fact, that’s exactly where I was a few years ago when it came time to talk a little deeper to my girls about this thing called sex. I put it off way too long simply for lack of time to gather my thoughts and resources. I’m a single mom and the thought of teaching boys sexual purity was NO DOUBT uncomfortable, yet at the same time absolutely necessary.
I’m thankful for people like my friends Trisha and Luke who came up with a Bible study that was the perfect fit for the job.
Christian Sex Education You Can Trust
I knew the study would be exactly what I had been looking for, as Luke is a conservative Christian with both theological training and over a decade of experience working with Covenant Eyes, training families to protect their purity online.
We’ve done all 3 books in the collection.
The Talk is designed to be done with young children between the ages of 6-10. Although it covers a topic we are often less than excited to discuss, it’s truly a sweet blessing. The girls asked a few questions about God’s plan and what stuck with them most was the rich Scripture included in the study. When I did it with the boys, they had a LOT of questions and I was thankful to have the opportunity to discuss these big concepts in a holy context long before their peers gave them other ideas about it.
Up next is Changes. Perfect for boys/girls on the cusp of their teen years, Changes gives kids a biblical perspective on puberty and the changes that are happening to their bodies. As an early “bloomer” myself, I want my kids to be equipped with security about their bodies and who God made them to be, so they understand how to deal with these changes when they come.
Relationships is the final book in the series. I must admit, this one provides an incredible foundation for sexual temptations and desires I WISH my parents had given me. You’ll want it on your family bookshelf to use between ages 11-14.
Get Some Accountability in Your Home
Talking about these issues is the first big step in helping you protect your kids. The second is to get some accountability. I can NOT stress this enough. I often meet parents who share horror stories with me about how they found inappropriate images or sites on their computers. I promise you, it happens LONG before you would ever expect it. Not to mention, we as adults should be holding each other accountable on this topic.
I highly recommend Covenant Eyes. It’s an internet filtering software you can use at home and on all of your family’s devices. You get a regular report of activity which gives you the perfect opportunity to have discussions with your kids about danger zones on the internet.
PLEASE, don’t neglect this step. You can’t ever erase images from your mind. Don’t wait until you already know you have a problem. It’s so much more difficult.
Need some help navigating the internet with children? Covenant Eyes has produced an incredible FREE ebook to help. Grab your copy today!
Melanie Corbin says
Hi
Sorry this happened to you as a child but thanks for stepping out and sharing your story and for sharing this wonderful resource. We have four children that we do want to protect but inform God’s way. Thank you and God bless.
Kim Sorgius says
Thank you for your kind words.
Lindsay J says
When? That is my big question. Especially with my first born who is homeschooled. We have close friends that are in public school, and I don’t want him hearing it from them first. He is about to be 7.
Kim Sorgius says
I say- now. The Talk study that I mentioned above is very appropriate at his age. It covers the science of it all in a natural way and then also in a biblical way. With friends in school, he has already heard the word and possibly more.
k says
Thank you so much for this. It’s a topic that’s been on my heart lately and I wasn’t sure how to jump in. Just ordered the books! Thanks for this post, and for your honesty and openness! I am often blessed by your posts and encouragement! Blessings on your and your family!
Sheri Hogue says
I am so sorry for what you went through. I had a similar thing happen to me, but I was much older. My parents never talked about sex except to tell me good girls don’t! No reasons why they don’t or what it was. I was molested by two boy cousins when I was 4, but lost my virginity at 18 when I was forced by a “so called” friend! Didn’t realize the damage it did to me till I started working at a univeristy in my 40’s. Now in my 50’s went through a bible study and some counseling and found out the perp was dead. Till I got a total release from the damage done to me ! God is good and faithful! I now am homeschooling my grandson and this is what I need for him! I wish I had these when I was homeschooling my two! God Bless and thank you for sharing!!!
Sheri Hogue says
Thank you!!!
El says
I know it took guts for you to step up and reveal something like that. May God bless you for it. I feel NO judgment towards you but just want to say YES!! Your words are so true! We are already teaching our children about sex because it’s the only way. How my heart longs for them to be safe and sheltered and not think about this until they are 21. Haha! So not gonna happen! So I will give them knowledge, because knowledge is power!
Angela says
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry that happened to you. I want to emphasize that if you didn’t know what was going on, that was rape. You phrase it like you feel guilty, like you did something wrong. And you didn’t. You didn’t lose your virginity. It was taken from you. Thank you for sharing your perspective.
Tonya says
Thank you for writing this! One of our kids was harmed at 9 by another little friend.
I wish more Christians would wake up to the reality that sexual sin is in our churches, homeschool groups and at our friends. We aren’t immune to it and need to be proactive.
So thankful for sharing this resource and for sharing your heart of a painful awful experience.
Ann-Morgan says
Kim,
I just wanted to thank you for your courage and transparency. You will never know the extent of the impact your post made on protecting children in similar situations. Thank you for being willing to do something incredibly difficult and self-sacrificing in order to save children and educate parents. I had already bought the book you recommended, but hadn’t taken the time to go over it with our children (our oldest is 12, and very innocent; she reminded me so much of you.). Honestly, you were 100% the reason we had the conversation with our children the very week I read your post. The following week, a child at her school was the victim of a gross sexual imposition at the school (in the bathroom) before an afterschool activity. It made me realize keeping her unaware was not protecting her (or our other children). Thank you again for making a difference, Kim. May you and your family be blessed.
Kim Sorgius says
Thank you for sharing!
Nikki McCuen Crespo says
Thanks so much for this! I’ve talked to my almost-12-year-old about the changes she can expect and am very open with her about it all. However, I haven’t known exactly how to introduce “sex” with her. She still doesn’t know how babies are made. I never thought about her innocence being taken from her because she didn’t know.
Tessa says
Farm life has been fantastic as my boys have been exposed to birth and sex from a young age. I realize it’snot quite the same but it opens up the doors and I’ve been able to have conversations with both if my older boys before they wwee 5. Age appropriate of course. My eldest is not 8 and freely asks and I (try to) freely answer. It’s different than when I as growing up and it was such a taboo topic. We made the decision never to lie to our children (though sometimes we tell them now isn’t the time to talk about something) and it has paid off. I figure thst with three sons, educating them can not only protect themselves, but also any girls they may become interested in and hopefully they will have the courage and grounding to witness to their male friends.
Thank you for emphasizing how important this is. I have had Trisha and Luke’s book for quite a while. Just need to find it in my mess of digital files. Yikes! Slowly organizing them.
Kim Sorgius says
Absolutely! God’s creation is a beautiful example of this very topic in a manner that is so much easier to discuss! 🙂
Joy says
How much detail do you go into as far as feelings and hormones etc? I told my daughter at 8 because I was pregnant and she wouldnt stop begging to know how babies are made. But thats it. She is now 10 and still beleives that there are no feelings it strictly for baby making and my husband and I only have ever done it 4 times (4 kids). I am starting to wonder when I should tell her that sex is more than just for the purpose of having a baby. I also have a now 8 yr old who knows nothing and she is super innocent oblivious never ask kind of girl and I would love to keep her innocence as long as possible….
Kim Sorgius says
I think the Bible study I mentioned does a really good job with this question, actually. Many kids think it’s gross now, but I’ve explained that later they won’t feel that way because God has created them to change as they get older. As far as innocence goes… it’s not a function of information. It’s an attitude of the heart. Giving her tools to protect herself from predators and the desire to follow God’s plan for sex will not change the attitude of her heart. It will only be information to help her make wise choices.
Aubrey Carey says
Ive had this book, as well as about 5 others, all “good Christian” resources, for awhile and have yet to do anything but give my 12 year old daughter the American Girl series about changes in her body, feelings, etc.
We do live on a farm, and i am sure my kids have seen how calves are made i know theyve seen them born.
My 5 year old boy and his 5 year old girl cousin, (who he has grown up with, until the last few years took baths together sometimes, had sleepovers) were caught playing doctor a few times, at my sis in laws house. As in he is basically a gyn/ob dr!? We just told them even though they are curious it isnt ok for them to touch or let anyone else touch their bottoms except their mom/dad, dr. But he is very curious now and with a 9 yr old boy and 12 year old girl, ive GOT to just make myself pick a book and do it.
My husband is freaked out that since the 5 year old has been so curious he may want to try it out?!! Im not sure about that, but i do wonder how much to share at what age as far as the actual sexual act?
Kim Sorgius says
The book shares that very plainly. 🙂
Raeb Amam says
Thank you so much for sharing. As someone who experienced sexual abuse from the ages of 4-12, I can relate to you not knowing what was going on at the time. I think it is very important to talk to our children early about sex, but I didn’t realize how early until my 4 year old and another 4 year old were caught “playing doctor.” You’d think I would’ve been more prepared, but I wasn’t! These types of resources are so helpful, and I will have to check them out.
One concern I have is the sole focus on purity in the Christian culture. Where does that leave girls like myself or you or children who’ve “played doctor” and may feel guilty about it? Because I was not raised in a Christian home (socially, but not in true practice), I dealt with my feelings of shame and guilt through promiscuity as a teen. It’s essential that we let young victims or girls who’ve made the wrong choice know their sexuality is not a lost cause in the eyes of God, no matter what has happened in the past.
Sarah says
Hey Kim,
Thank you so much for writing this article. I was reading reviews on “The Talk” when I found myself wondering how other single moms handled this with their kids and I thought of you. I intended to email you for advice, but I found this article instead and figured I would ask here in case it may help other single moms in the future.
I know that you became a single parent through divorce. I, however, have never been married and my daughter was born out of wedlock. She knows nothing about her father. I’ve avoided the topic because he abandoned her out of his own selfishness of not wanting to take on the duties of being a father. I repented and came to know Christ and have been celibate for the past 8 years. Nevertheless, I struggle with single parenthood and she is without an earthly father as a lingering consequence of my and her fathers sins. I want to convey all of this to her without her feeling like she was a mistake or is a burden. I also don’t want her repeating my mistakes. I myself was also abandoned by my father, which led to permiscuity as an adolescent and young adult, seeking male attention. I just know talking about sex with her will bring up questions about her father that I’ve been avoiding as I try to protect her from feeling unwanted or unloved. I’ve told her many times that God is her father and He loves us and does more for us than any earthly father could ever love or do. Yet, she is human and she still expresses a desire for a dad. It’s just a heartbreaking situation. Please pray for us. I welcome your wise council.
Kim Sorgius says
Hi Sarah,
I will pray for you! I think you can share your mistakes with her without expressing the idea that she is a mistake. Although you made mistakes, God granted you the blessing of a child!