Teaching Boys about Sexual Purity from a Biblical Perspective
We sat together on the couch. Me with a book in hand, sharing a tale of a runaway train, and my boy, with his hands in his pants.
All at once, my palms grew sweaty, and my heart beat rapidly. I knew this day was coming. I knew that there was an extremely perverse culture out there chasing after him with its lustful destruction. And I knew this was only the beginning of a long battle.
I pondered it for only a second longer before I knew that it was time to make much out of what many think is nothing.
By this point, he knew the story had stopped and looked up to see what could be causing this interruption. I dug deep for my grown-up voice and squeaked out the words despite the trembling in my heart.
It sounded a little something like this:
Son, does it feel good to touch there?”
“Yes,” he answers without hesitation.
“Did you know that God designed you that way? In fact, He actually created you to have that good feeling because He loves you so much.”
He crinkles his nose and wonders aloud, “He did?”
“Yes, He did. BUT in His Word, He gave us some very specific instructions about that good feeling you feel. I want to talk to you all about many of the things that God says about this as you get older. But right now, there is something you need to know. That feeling you feel is meant to be a feeling that is shared only with your wife. God wants you to save that feeling for her.
“That means you’ll need to guard your hands from touching, your eyes from looking at women who aren’t dressed modestly, and your heart from wanting those things. He also takes very seriously the way we talk about those feelings.”
A little light bulb goes on, and he wonders, “Is that why you don’t want me to use the ‘P-word’ (referring to his genitals) with my friends?”
“Yes, son. That’s exactly why. Unless you are talking to a doctor or your mom about it, you probably don’t need to discuss it. Your choice to discuss those things with other boys or girls could lead to all kinds of trouble for you and them.”
Satisfied, he moves on. “Can you finish the story?”
And I did. The conversation quieted as quickly as it crept in. But my heart was still beating out of my chest. I found myself wishing that his dad was having this conversation with him and that I didn’t have to think about his hand in his pants or about the websites he might one day find or about this momma’s incredible fear that he wouldn’t be able to withstand the temptation.
Why to Teach Boys About Sexual Purity
You see, I know first hand the slow fade of dabbling with a few inappropriate images to spending more time with those women than your wife. I know the destructive slippery slope that drops men (and women) straight into the icy waters of emotional affairs, adultery, and divorce.
The lust of the eyes is after my boy (and yours), and I KNOW it is plain foolish to be ignoring it. EVEN at six years old.
No, I don’t think I’m being a little extreme. One trip to the mall, and it ought to be obvious to any Christian that this isn’t a little problem anymore. The life-size ads that drape themselves across the storefronts and dance vividly in the minds of our boys are no longer subtle. Shopping bags, t-shirts, and grocery store magazines are on the prowl for their little hearts.
The message they sell is simple: sexual gratification is instantly available, and it will make you happy.
Oh, what a wretched lie! It’s never too early to start diffusing this lie! If I’m not counteracting the message that the world is sending him now, then he isn’t going to believe me later. And worse, if he develops the wrong view about what God created those feelings for, then he will waste this precious gift on self-pleasure, empty images, and cheap one-night stands.
And that, my friends, is what leads to the sexual epidemic we face today. Without a pure and godly perspective, we find ourselves unable to get enough. And the sexual giant is an untamable beast, going from one little image to a nasty and vile horror.
There is no doubt. This is serious, and I want to prepare my children to fight it.
You know what? My little talk worked. It’s funny how I doubted it. I had prayed about it and thought about it for so long, but somehow I really just didn’t believe that my talk would do the trick in his little six-year-old heart.
But it did. It’s been nearly 7 months since that day on the couch, and only one time have I seen his hands in his pants. That time, I watched him quickly remove them, look up at me, and smile. He didn’t say a word, but I knew he was thinking about what I had said.
And I knew that I hadn’t made it a dirty and bad thing, but a beautiful thing worth saving for his wife, a beautiful act of obedience to a Savior he wanted to please.
You know, sometimes I wonder if that was what I was missing. When I was a teen, abstinence was all about pleasing God and yourself. I don’t remember thinking about it from the angle of what I would be robbing from my future husband if I was not pure.
And, of course, the lines drawn back then were so lightly etched in the sand and so far from God that they were hard to stand behind. So I didn’t bother. The hope of love prevailed, and I bought the lie. Oh, parents, don’t be fooled into thinking that this can’t happen to your A+ Christian students, too. We need something more than a pretty little talk backed by a little ceremony with a ring in the youth group.
We need a deep dark line of motivation and desire for purity that is etched firmly in God’s Word. Trust me: if the line isn’t far enough from the world, there is little chance of ending up clearly pure before a holy God.
If you are still personally struggling with this or need more help understanding God’s viewpoint on the issue of sex, check out Sex, Jesus, and the Conversations the Church Forgot. I HIGHLY recommend this book. It is a much-needed breath of fresh air in a rather legalistic and vague space.
What God Wants With Sexual Purity
I don’t want my children to have Bill Clinton morals … always changing the line of what is really defined as sex. I want them to seek wholly after a pure HEART before God, which in turn leads to pure thoughts, pure hands, pure lips, and a pure marriage. I want them to have a level of purity that holds no question, no ambiguity, and no shame. A level of purity that will lead them to a beautifully godly spouse and give them the real gift that God intended to give them in marriage.
All of that starts now with the discussion of what we are amusing ourselves with and instruction of what it is all intended for.
Of course, I’m not suggesting that you need to have the exact conversation above with your boys when they turn six. As parents, we have to get before God in prayer and ask Him when the time is right and what we should say. I would, however, strongly suggest that your focus be on the feelings that touching yourself creates. That is the same lustful feeling that your boy will feel throughout his life. The earlier he learns EXACTLY what God created it for, the better.
My focus is on helping him understand what God wants from him in terms of purity:
- Pure heart: A pure heart is one that seeks gratification only from God and puts nothing above Him (Psalm 24:3-5).
- Pure thoughts: Pure thoughts are those that focus on God and not the pleasures of the world (Philippians 4:8). Jesus is very clear that even looking at a woman lustfully is adultery (Matthew 5:28).
- Pure eyes: Pure eyes turn away from those dangling ads in the store, those magazines in the checkout line, and even the ladies’ underwear packages in the department store. I love that even at six, my son doesn’t look. Period. And believe it or not—he is far more sensitive to this than I am. I love that I am teaching him this now, so he will know how hard he will always have to work to keep his eyes pure in our culture.
Resources for Teaching Boys About Sexual Purity
1. Of course, the most important resource is the Bible. There are plenty of particular passages that are fantastic, but the truth is that the best way for any of us to remain pure is to daily read the Word.
2. Raising Real Men is an excellent resource about all things boys. Authors Hal and Melanie Young have an amazing website in addition to their book, sharing parenting resources and tips. They have six boys who have given them lots of opportunities to gain unique expertise in this subject. It’s a MUST have for any mother of boys.
3. Their newest book is perfect for your preteen and teenage boys. It’s written directly for young men and is a fantastic challenge to help them think through the issues of purity, marriage, and everything in between.
4. Christian sex education you can trust gets a little more tricky. Thankfully, I’ve found a wonderful resource that goes far beyond the technical questions and teaches a biblical perspective.
The author, Luke Gilkerson, is a conservative Christian with both theological training and over a decade of experience working with Covenant Eyes, training families to protect their purity online.
We’ve done (and LOVED) all three books in the collection.
The Talk is designed to be done with young children between the ages of 6-10. Although it covers a topic we are often less than excited to discuss, it’s truly a sweet blessing. The girls asked a few questions about God’s plan, and what stuck with them most was the rich Scripture included in the study. When I did it with the boys, they had a LOT of questions, and I was thankful to have the opportunity to discuss these big concepts in a holy context long before their peers gave them other ideas about it.
Up next is Changes. Perfect for boys/girls on the cusp of their teen years, Changes gives kids a biblical perspective on puberty and the changes that are happening to their bodies. As an early “bloomer” myself, I want my kids to be equipped with security about their bodies and who God made them to be so they understand how to deal with these changes when they come.
Relationships is the final book in the series. I must admit, this one provides an incredible foundation for sexual temptations and desires I WISH my parents had given me. You’ll want it on your family bookshelf to use between ages 11-14.
5. Another resource that’s not overtly Christian but extremely practical for helping our kids be prepared for what they will encounter online is the book Good Pictures, Bad Pictures by Kristen A. Jenson.
In this short book, your kids will learn the difference between “good” and “bad” pictures and what to do when they encounter “bad” pictures. I love this book because it really gives kids a step-by-step plan. When I first read the book to them, I did add my own spin by referring to Christ and His design for us. But it’s a great springboard for a much-needed conversation.
6. Last but most importantly, I use Covenant Eyes resources to keep tabs on everything being viewed both in our house and on devices my kids own. This is the MOST IMPORTANT thing you can do as a parent so you can have conversations about browsing choices BEFORE things get out of hand.
It’s impossible to prevent your kids from ever having access to troublesome websites (unless you really are going to lock them up). Kids are exposed in the most unlikely places, and they need to TALK about what to do. Keep communication open with them by keeping tabs on what is going on.
What are your thoughts? Have you had “the talk” with your boys? In what ways are you teaching them to protect themselves from the dangers of our culture?
Disclaimer: I use the real “P-word” when talking to my kids about their body parts. I use the proper term for inappropriate internet images, as well. I am not using them here in order to keep search engines from picking up those phrases for the wrong purposes. I simply want to keep the filth off my site. So, thanks for bearing with me on that one.
Through practical tools & Bible-based resources, Kim Sorgius is dedicated to helping your family GROW in faith so you can be Not Consumed by life’s struggles. Author of popular kid’s devotional Bible studies and practical homeschooling tools, Kim has a master’s degree in education and curriculum design coupled with over 2 decades of experience working with kids and teens. Above all, her most treasured job is mother and homeschool teacher of four amazing kiddos.
Thanks for writing. I bought The Talk and have been working through it with my daughter. I’m writing because I know that dealing the issue of the “m” word as you’d put it is a bigger male issue, it can happen with girls. I never read Judy Blume growing up but I did recently and that frequently happen in one story. The book had three stories. One was about a girl and one was with a boy. Blume wrote it in as being perfectly normal and harmless, but we know it isn’t. I’ll be keeping this to reference as an encouragement for my girls.
Wow, thanks for the heads up on that book. I’ll certainly avoid it. And yes, as I finished this post, it occurred to me that there is an element to which this applies to girls. Thanks for pointing that out. I pray that you will know just what to say at the exact moment that God wants you to say it!
What’s the title of the book please? I’ve read quite a few Judy Bloom and would probably recommend them to my girl when she is older. I’m thinking of Tales of a Fourth Grade nothing in particular. From memory most are OK?
Forever is the Book
Forever is for older teens/ adults and does not have three stories, so I doubt that’s the book Rebekah was referring to. Kylie, Blume has written books for a whole range of ages, so I’d recommend visiting her site to get the categories for each title.
We too, use the correct terminology for body parts. It demystifies it and makes it normal. There is nothing wrong with calling it what it is and I never wanted to make it seem that way for my kids. I grew up being ashamed of my body and nobody ever bothered to talk to me about things like this. I am the mother of one daughter and (soon-to-be) two sons and plan to use The Talk in our home school curriculum for our daughter this year. She’s got autism, and a keen insight into human anatomy and physiology. She’s fascinated by how the body works and what the parts are for (at 8, she can lecture you for five minutes on the parts and function of the human heart from a cardiovascular standpoint). I love that because it makes it SO much easier to talk to her when she has a question, like “How is the baby going to get out?” (Thankfully, so far, she’s much more interested in the physiology of childbirth and hasn’t asked how the baby got in there to begin with 🙂 )
And Judy Bloom, huh? I’m going to have to look into that. We have a few of those books and I’m suddenly wishing I’d read them before giving them to her.
Thank you for sharing this. Our son is nearing 6 and I just read this timely article 2 days ago… & today, the first time I’ve found him with his hands in his pants, I was able to address his desire for the good feeling with God’s desire for purity based on the outline you gave. I especially love that by sharing in this way, it’s not shame based, but lends itself to a life of godliness. 😀 Afterwards, I was able to share your article with my husband so we can be on the same page… We are both grateful for your wisdom!
Of course, my wisdom is certainly only what God has given. I’m so glad that He has been faithful to help me through this! I’m also thrilled that it was useful to you! Thank you for sharing.
Blume’s Tales of aFourth Grade Nothing series is fine, but her teen/YA novels are pretty dirty. (Most of these have people lying in bed on the cover)
GREAT ARTICLE, and so unlike what I was expecting. It drives me nuts when Christian parents are scared to talk about these issues when they need to. Most Christian parents can barely do it when their kid hits puberty, but that is WAY too late in my opinion. You don’t have to go into extreme detail, but they do need to understand pure and biblical sexuality. Give yourself a pay on the back. Thank you!!
Thank you for clearing up the Judy Blume thing! You are right, most Christian parents avoid this topic, much to their detriment. I wish I could say that I didn’t learn that through my own life experiences, but I certainly hope to change that for my kids. Thanks for your encouragement!
Coming across this today is exactly what I needed. I’ve caught my 6 year old son humping things the past few days , and havereally been
Searching for how to deal with it. Everything I came up with on the internet says it’s normal, to just tell them to do it privately, but it just isn’t the right thing and i know it, but I also don’t want him to be embarrassed our feel like there’s something wrong with that kind of pleasure, just that it’s for when he’s grown up.
I am going to have this talk with him today. Thank you. This was exactly what I needed.
THANK YOU for this perfect approach, and resources! My 10 yo daughter has been asking….the time was never appropriate. I promised we would chat soon, but I have had a REALLY difficult time finding resources that incorporate my values.
So THANK YOU!!
Thnx for this great perspective. Wondering if u have any resources for those whose purity has already been stolen thru abuse? We adopted a sibling group who have all experienced trauma in this area & who still occasionally act out w/each other (ages 10 & under). Of course we’ve used ur position, but it is already so skewed in their minds (& bodies).
Thnx
I really don’t have resources on that. I’m so sorry. I do think that handling sexual topics through God’s Word really helps when you are dealing with sin done against a child. In our family, (although a different situation) this has brought great healing. Praying for you!
There’s an old book that mom read to my brother and I called ‘The Wonderful Way That Babies Are Made’. It tells about Gods wonderful creation in our bodies and how that a man and woman love each other and get married and make babies, all according to Gods design. It’s got two sections on each page, one for older kids and one for younger. It’s possibly out of print but I found it on eBay. It tells about how the husband and wife join together and the sperm and egg connect. It’s not graphic but explains the physiology. It’s a great resource. I’m excited about these new resources that you’ve shared too! I have 8 year old and 11 year old boys, I need lots of help!
Well said! As a mom of 12 and 9 year old boys, I have had to have some of these talks. I’m always so surprised that my 12 year old seems more comfortable coming to me with questions rather than my husband.
This is such and important topic and I appreciate that you not only seek the truth but that you are teaching it to your son. I have four sons and while they are still “sort of” young, this is a topic I have tried to cover as the time is right. I want them to have a pure heart, mind, and body for their future wives. It is a hard stand to talk to them about this feeling being for their wives as many even Christian authors write and talk about this being okay. Hubby and I have always felt that it is not and is not normal. We have to teach our sons (and daughters) to rise above the “normal” of the world and seek the Lord’s design for us. Thank you for standing up and standing strong!
I LOVE the way you handled that! Thanks for sharing so candidly. We usually tremble when we’re injecting the Truth into the enemy’s plans! I taught all four of my children that “p goes into v” during preschool years, so I didn’t end up with horribly awkward conversations during puberty. 😉
At his age this behavior is not sexual. It is a self-soothing mechanism (I learned this from Karyn Purvis). Kids that do this simply need to learn appropriate self-soothing mechanisms. I have taught my boys (5 and 7) that it is inappropriate behavior for public and home. And I have told them it’s not a polite thing to do and God doesn’t want you to do things that are not polite. Plus God wants you to keep that part of your body private. I have also taught them some other things you have mentioned (about looking at scantily-clad women and having thoughts that are pleasing to God and all the Bible verses to go along with all of it), but kept sex and sexual feelings out of it. I think at six telling your son that married people use their genitals to feel good is more than a child that young can handle. Of course boys will encounter these feelings earlier, but at six it is still too early to discuss sexual feelings. Your son wasn’t feeling sexual gratification (as you seem to imply) because he has not yet entered puberty. (Perhaps you just wanted to teach him early??) I asked my husband about this and he was quite adamant that boys that young touching themselves has nothing at all to do with sexual gratification. What did your husband think it this incident? How did he broach the subject with your son? Boys really need to be mentored about sex from their fathers, so I would really be interested in his take on the subject.
I didn’t say that boys this young were aiming at sexual gratification. It’s not likely they are. But the point is that the touching will lend itself into that direction, usually a lot quicker than expected. I think it’s vital to teach the right way of thinking from the start. That way we give our boys all the tools they need to fight against the temptation of lust. As far as husbands go, If you are married, of course you need to discuss this together and handle it in unison. Not everyone is in that situation, which is why I wrote this piece to begin with- for moms.
Okay, i’m just curious. I’m really not trying to attack, criticise, etcetera, i honestly just want to know; why is (m-word) not okay? I understand wanting to keep oneself pure for marriage, but why is self exploration not okay? You’re not giving yourself to another, you’re just seeing what’s going on with yourself… right?
In my opinion, it’s not what you do with your hands that matters. It’s what you do with your heart and mind. If you are just making sure it’s still down there- ok fine. If you are cleaning yourself- fine. If you are having sexual or pleasureful thoughts- you are taking something away from your future spouse.
Everyone has sexual thoughts at some point before they’re married. If we start counting each one like it’s a robbery from a possible future spouse, they’ll pile a very heavy load on their shoulders.
I am so glad that a friend of mine sent this link to me. My son , who is now 7, has been struggling with this for several years now. I’ve always fumbled with how to approach this with him so I just tell him that even though it feels good he isn’t suppose to do it. I then asked him does it initially feel good to eat a lot of candy? But then don’t you get a bad tummy ache, and he said yes. However I still catch him doing it several times a month. I’m going to have to get that book to see if there’s anything else I’ve missed. I never punish him for it but I don’t know what else to do to help him see that it isn’t good.
Has your husband spoken to him?
Nice
Wow nice
I have great fun reading your article: Your method is very good:
The conversation shared in this article seemed to do a good job teaching a child about the nature and character of God. God is good, created our bodies in a way that is good. The conversation also was good in that it pointed out that the way we relate with our body impacts our relationship with others. Right thinking leads to right acting, and the conversation affirms this truth, as it addressed a child’s heart, not just a child’s behavior. The goal is a heart that is right with God, that leads to right living, instead of sinful living. Thinking about what is sexual sin, sexual sin is sin against God, and is a sin against one’s own body. It harms us and our relationship with God. Seeking to please ourselves sexually is the opposite of God’s intent in marriage, where each spouse gives themselves to the other. Because of the self focus of sexual sin, it damages all relationships, relationship with everyone, not just one’s relationship with their future spouse. That makes me wonder about teaching a child: ” That feeling you feel is meant to be a feeling that is shared only with your wife. God wants you to save that feeling for her.” There is some truth to that, and perhaps it is appropriate. I am just wondering if it’s a truth to be shared initially, or later. Perhaps similar to another commenter’s concerns. A child may never grow up to get married. What then? Again, I understand that the conversation is expected to be continued, through the months and years. Thank you for your article and your prayerfulness and thoughtfulness that you displayed in what you wrote. These are very important topics, and I appreciate the opportunity to think on these issues and truths.
I appreciate adding these thoughts to the conversation. A father’s perspective.
https://www.intoxicatedonlife.com/young-boys-masturbation/
“If they will get married some day, they will not have ultimate authority over their body; their wife will (1 Corinthians 7:4). They should not develop any habit that trains their mind to believe, “I have authority over my body.””
This is a quote from the article I posted a link to above. This is more of a truthful response in my opinion.
Thank you again for your thoughtful post. I’d be interested in your thoughts on the ideas presented in the article.
Pure lips? I would handle the concept of purity carefully, which has led to a lot of obsession over sexuality alone in the church and a lot of guilt as a result. If kids touch themselves at some point during their teens or kiss a member of the opposite sex before marriage, they should not be left feeling like they’re sullied and unfit for a “pure” spouse or a really good marriage.
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Dear Kim,
You aren’t being overly-righteous at all! Many people need to understand that issues like divorce and adultery start from young. It is very important to share these messages of purity with young children (boys especially, being that they are so targeted when it comes to receiving messages of sexual gratification). I am a christian as well, but even if I wasn’t, I still wouldn’t allow my children to dwell on such messages. I appreciated how gentle yet firm your response was. Most importantly, it was informative and dignified-so he got the point. Thanks for being so level-headed!
Oh my goodness! This is one the best posts I have ever read! SO important. Thank you for talking about this uncomfortable subject. There is so much sexual perversion and there is easy access to anything at our fingertips!
Seriously. Thank you!
Thank you!
I am glad to have found your article. I am a first time Mom and my son is almost 9 months and has been touching his diaper area for the past month or two and I have really been terrified of this issue starting so early in life. How do I encourage my son to not grab there every time his diaper comes off during this time when he just doesn’t understand yet?
At this age, I would just stop the behavior. Try giving him a toy to play with while you are changing his diaper.