Many of us dread having “the talk” with our kids. But here are some amazing resources to help us discuss biblical sexuality with our kids!
When I was growing up, the word s-e-x was completely taboo. Whenever the topic of boys was breeched, mom’s eyes would get as big as golf balls and she would choke out this wise advice: “Don’t kiss until you’re 30.”
It’s pretty funny looking back and I truly admire her heart. She wanted me to wait to date and definitely wanted to avoid any chance of PDA (public display of affection) as she so affectionately termed it. She also wanted me to avoid getting pregnant and contracting STDs. All noble things.
The trouble is, when parents avoid talking about sex with their kids – especially biblical sexuality – it leads to a host of issues, many of which bear life-long consequences. In fact, our avoidance actually works against the very thing we are trying to accomplish.
How Avoiding Conversations About Biblical Sexuality Can Harm
Our avoidance leaves kids with no other choice but to get their information elsewhere.
Unless you literally keep your child in a bubble, you can’t avoid this information. Yes, I know you keep your kids protected and watch every possible influence over their minds. Please hear me—> IT’S NOT ENOUGH. You can’t possibly keep them from reading street signs, seeing an ad, or hearing something from a peer. Even if you homeschool. Even if your church is ultra conservative. They will take in information without you knowing it.
Instead of burying our heads in the sand, as Christian parents we need to be embracing the fact that our children are influenced by outside factors. This is actually a beautiful thing because it affords us the opportunity to discuss topics that otherwise wouldn’t come up. And that includes biblical sexuality. As parents we have the divine appointment to teach our kids these things (Deut. 6) and we should be doing it naturally, often, and completely.
If we don’t, the boy down the street will teach them. And trust me, I would much rather my kids hear God’s design for sex than some warped and perverted version the world is selling them. Wouldn’t you?
Our avoidance leaves kids with the wrong perspective on the most precious of gifts that God has given to married couples.
Something that’s not talked about openly will almost always be viewed by children as very bad. As they get older, this isn’t always corrected, which leads to one of two possibilities. Some go into their marriage still holding a very negative view of sex and biblical sexuality and this inhibits their ability to enjoy the most precious gift God gives to married couples.
Of course, the opposite response is rebellion. Kids see this secret “bad” thing and it becomes irresistible. So they learn to find ways to hear and think about it. Then perhaps move to finding ways to look at it and eventually participate themselves.
We can counteract both extremes by teaching our kids that God actually has a beautiful design for sex in their marriage. If they understand biblical sexuality, they have a much higher likelihood of choosing the beauty of it over the allure of the temporary pleasure. Without understanding the purpose, what chance do they really have?
Our avoidance leaves kids with a much higher likelihood of assault or sexual abuse in some form.
I know it’s absolutely unthinkable that our children might one day fall victim to sexual abuse. But the stats don’t lie. As many as 1 out of every 5 children are victims of abuse. Think about that. It’s a HUGE number. It’s heinous, deplorable, and absolutely heartbreaking.
Don’t we want to do everything possible to prevent this? Of course we do. So we fingerprint church workers, never leave our kids in possible danger zones, write off sleepovers, and anything else we can think of to keep our kids safe. But we are missing one of the most important parts. We MUST teach our kids what to look for. They need to understand what this assault looks like.
If they don’t know what inappropriate touching is, how can they even say no? Now, I can hear you saying that your kids know better and would be able to say no. If that’s you, please read my story. I share this not to point out failures on the part of my parents, myself, or anyone else. I share it because if there is just one child in the world who can be spared from victimization by being granted the power of knowledge, I’m willing to be known.
When to Start Talking About Biblical Sexuality
I think “The Birds and the Bees Talk” might be the most frightening phrase that parents hear. Just thinking about it makes butterflies flutter in my stomach and sweat drop from my palms. Yeah. I’m as nervous as you are about this part of parenting.
Will the timing be right?
Will I say too much?
Will I say too little?
But unless our children literally live under a rock (and they can’t), they will be exposed to sexuality in our culture FAR SOONER than we may desire. So what are we going to do about it?
Will we let the world tell our children how to think about God’s most precious gift to married couples? Or will we impart God’s truth and biblical sexuality into their perception on this subject. Because you do realize that it will be one or the other. That thought is very convicting to me.
You see, it has become increasingly obvious to me that even though I homeschool, have NO television, attend a VERY conservative church, and make every attempt to keep advertising out of our home, the sexual “agenda” of the world will still creep in here. I can’t keep it out. I must teach my children to refute it with biblical sexuality. I must teach them what is right, so they will recognize the worldly thoughts when they encounter them.
Is it possible to have this important talk with my children “too late?” Of course it is. Too late is that point when the ideas of the world have penetrated their thinking and the instruction of God becomes “old fashioned” or “out of style.” You see, I’m fairly convinced that if the world gets to them before I do, then it will be far harder to help them see God’s true design for sex in marriage. It will be harder to impart biblical sexuality.
Resources that Teaches Biblical Sexuality
Enter, The Talk by Luke Gilkerson. It’s a 7-lesson study on biblical sexuality designed for children ages 6-10 and I think it’s just what the doctor ordered. The core of the study is God’s word with a little bit of science sprinkled it. That’s the way it should be! Click here to buy your copy!
*You are encouraged to tell your children NOT to share info with other children, as these types of conversations are supposed to be between parents and children only. Oh I love this (and it has been my motto for years- it works!)
*The anatomy pictures in this study are perfect. It’s just enough to help children understand how your body works and how males/females are different, but it’s not inappropriate.
*While the study is designed for ages 6-10, you are given specific things to think about in order to determine your child’s readiness.
*It is meant to be discussed over a period of time, not in one sitting: 7 lessons that are about 10-15 minutes each. AND, you are encouraged to remember that as long as the culture is sending sexual messages to your children, you should be daily combatting them with commentary and pointing to God’s Word.
Click here to buy your copy!
I do love this study and can personally recommend it. I would of course suggest that you read through the entire thing before you begin talking with your children. I would also suggest that you consider bringing nature into the picture. God has created plants and animals that reproduce and lend much to the discussion on biblical sexuality. Be sure if you do this that you point out that God intended so much more than simple reproduction for His people. (The study does a great job at pointing this out!)
The good news is, they also have 2 new followup books out. One for helping your kids through puberty and the next on relationships. All 3 are staples around our house for teaching on sexual purity.
Not only are they fun, the Gilkersons bring to the table a deep and authentic faith you can trust, coupled with years of training and experience. Here’s a little taste…
What are your thoughts? Have you had “the talk” with your kids? What tips or resources do you recommend for teaching biblical sexuality?
Tallya says
I believe this was for me… today. At bedtime today, after reading about Jacob, his marriages to Leah and Rachel, and how Leah had all these children thinking that finally her husband would love her more, my 6 year old son asked if people have something to do with making babies. I guess the way I have spoken about it in the past has been that God gives us babies and this might have made him think tonight. I honestly was not ready to tell him the details quite yet… I really feel that it is too young of an age and it is so sad that society is making it that we have to tell our kids a bit more than probably should be told at this point. Anyway I told my little man that people have some to do with making babies and God does the rest, which I suspect only peaked his interest but he seemed satisfied with my answer. I will be buying this study soon. Thanks!
Kim Sorgius says
The Bible does have a way of leading us into conversations sometimes! 🙂 Praying that you are able to discern just the right timing.
Diane says
I read with interest your post about the “birds and the bees talk”, especially your reference to “God’s most precious gift to married couples” and “that even though I homeschool, have NO television, attend a VERY conservative church, and make every attempt to keep advertising out of our home, the sexuality “agenda” of the world will still creep in here.”
First of all. Sex is not a God’s precious gift to married couples, although you may want to indoctrinate your children to think so. The desire for sex is intrinsic to all living creatures, human or otherwise. Marriage has nothing to do with it. It is the need to procreate, to continue the species. Spend some time in your backyard and you will see that every living being wants/needs to procreate.
Marriage is not – should not – be about sex. Sex is a physical function. Like eating, drinking, breathing, having a bowel movement. Dogs, cats, squirrels, houseflies have sex. And they don’t get married to do it. When you teach your children that you have to get married to have sex you are lying to them. And falsehoods are a sin.Do people have anything to do with babies? People have EVERYTHING to do with babies. Even godless people have babies. If you don’t want your children to rebel against, or question your beliefs, maybe you could start by being honest.
Kim Sorgius says
If you decide to cut God out of your belief system, your argument would likely make sense. I choose not to deny the existence and sovereignty of my most wonderful Savior and creator. And so do my children.
The truth is very clear in His Word. Yes, God created us and He created those animals you speak of, too. Yes procreation is a function of sex and God did indeed intend it to be. But for people, there is so much more. I’m thankful that fact is true in all of my life. It would sure be a miserable life if I wasn’t capable of more than a squirrel or a housefly. I would not be able to perform at a job, hold any kind of meaningful relationship, or even have enough intelligence not to run into the road when a car is coming. I am so thankful that God created me to be so much more than a squirrel and for giving my life more meaning and purpose than the emptiness that I KNOW for a fact is at the end of the selfish road of carnal sexual gratification.
Bethany Hudson says
Thanks for sharing this intimate example, Kim. I think this will bless many anxious mothers. If you’re interested, this is a resource I’ve had success with in discussing sexuality with my own young children: http://www.amazon.com/How-Makes-Babies-Pure-Foundations/dp/0764202103/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1420267335&sr=8-1&keywords=god+makes+babies I love that it covers *just* enough for a child. (None of our kids have showed an interest in sexuality personally yet, but my oldest had lots of questions during my most recent pregnancy, and we decided it was time.)