Bedtime often comes with a headache and a wave of nausea for parents. Visions of temper tantrums and creeping-feet-out-of-bed-for-the-15th-time haunt us senseless. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Bedtime can be an enjoyable time in your home. Yes, I promise. It really can. And as a bonus, you won’t go nuts.
Before I offer you trouble shooting for those nightmares, I must mention that a good routine is key. If you work on this consistently, you will see a return! Children are comfortable with a routine and once they know it’s in place, they are much less likely to challenge.
Tips for establishing a good bedtime routine
- A good bedtime routine is loose and not bound to a set list: reading, singing, rocking, etc. That way it can be changed if time is short and a babysitter can put them to bed without a fuss. If a child CAN NOT go to bed without a story, he/she is set-up for disaster. Stories are great, just make sure it’s not mandatory. In my home, we don’t usually have a story at bedtime. We read together all day!
- The time for bed should be a consistent window of time. For example, my 8,7, and 5 year old go to bed around 8:30pm. Anytime between 8:00 and 9:00 is fair, but 10pm is not.
- Arrange for your child to get 10-12 hours of sleep every night. That’s what pediatricians recommend and no, your child isn’t the only one in the world who just doesn’t need that much sleep. Remember: lost sleep makes it harder to sleep. Don’t sacrifice a nap hoping for better nighttime sleep…it will backfire. An overtired child makes everyone miserable.
- Have a wind down time. No later than 8:00pm, my kids are in their rooms and in their beds. They are permitted to read quietly and occasionally use technology. By the time lights go out, they are settled. Plus you get the added benefit of enhancing their reading skills.
- Have high expectations for bed time. I expect my kids to go to bed when I tell them to. Crazy thought, huh? As a parent, I refuse to accept anything other than what I expect. If things aren’t going that way, I work at changing the behavior. I don’t give up and let the child decide what is best.
- Be mindful of chocolate, sugar and caffeine consumed after 3pm. They really do make a difference!
Our bedtime habits started when my kids were very young
I am sensitive to the fact that most people reading this post are trying to correct bad habits, but I can’t talk about good bedtime habits without at least mentioning that I put in years of hard work at the beginning. Sleep was one thing that I wanted my kids to be very good at, so I concentrated much effort on training them to enjoy sleeping. I don’t regret that. No one in my family dreads bedtime or throws fits. Even my 2 year old is generally very compliant on his own. I promise you, this is largely because of the training that I have done with them as infants/toddlers.
So how do you get your kids to stay in bed?
For some parents, getting your kids to STAY in bed is the biggest challenge. I can’t give you a magic pill and no two children are alike, so you are going to need to experiment with what works for you. For me, it started with consistent training as infants/toddlers and then a little trouble shooting when things aren’t working like they should.
Consequences: if my kids get out of bed, they are taking away my time to work, so I naturally must get that time back the next night. Which means that I have them go to bed 15 minutes earlier the next night. This is really the only tool I need with my 8,7, and 5 year old. I explain this consequence to them exactly like I just did for you. They understand my need and actually are fairly respectful of it.
Rewards: My personal parenting policy is never to reward a child who is doing that which is expected…with goods like toys and food. But I do reward with lots of verbal praise. Usually to another sibling or friend. Something like, “I am so proud of Nathan, he stays in his bed and goes right to sleep.” It’s always good to praise a little more than they actually do, speaking promise into their little hearts. Of course, Nathan doesn’t do this every night, but it sure compels him to!
Train them: if you’ve got a little guy who is still learning, be ready to take the time needed to train them. Sit outside the bedroom door with a book or your computer until he falls asleep. If the tot gets out of bed, say ” it’s night time. Get back in bed.” If he does it again- say nothing- just point. Pick him up and carry him back to bed if you need to. Continue to monitor until the behavior stops. If you are consistent, it will only take a few nights for him to get the message.
Biblical Chastisement: I’m thinking it’s no longer legal to suggest that you spank a child for disobedience (which I think is a shame), but I would suggest that you seek the Bible for help with disobedience.
Leave them in the crib until they are 40: alright, I might be exaggerating a tad here, but seriously most parents take their child out of the crib far too soon. Leave them in there as long as possible. Even if he/she can climb out…this is a good time to train them NOT to. It is my policy to leave them in the crib until they potty train. Currently, my 2.5 year old is still in the crib. He can climb in and out on his own, but I have trained him to wait until I allow him to do so. The transition to a bed will be much easier this way.
No lie. While I was typing this post, my three big kids all got out of bed. It’s funny how God likes to keep me humble and it reminds me to tell you that you are a good mom (or dad). Please don’t buy the lie that you aren’t. Kids are going to disobey, even when they generally have a particular skill mastered Don’t be discouraged! You will have plenty of nights with little children all nestled in bed…
Still looking for practical tips? I’ve polled my readers for a few ideas.
Tips from my readers:
Clip lights and book slings… if they are in their bed at bedtime they can have 15-30 minutes to read, look at books, draw, etc. Then we come around and say prayers with them. (Suzanne)
Wear them out! (Laura)
We made their beds inviting and a true place of peace and rest, and we’ve provided night lights and cracked doors when they’ve wanted them. None of ours have ever wanted to get out of their beds. Ever! I feel that is the grace of God! We need more of that grace in other areas, though, such as getting the kids to eat vegetables. (Frances)
They know if they act out their bedtime will move up 15-30 minutes the next night. (Christy)
Don’t give them any other option. (Tonya)
One thing that really helps is having kids that are actually tired. Sounds silly right? I have found that so many kids do not get enough physical activity and are really not tired so they are up and down. I try to shoot for about 2 hours of outside play time on most days. Makes a world of difference! (Amy)
We let them listen to great audiobooks. (Jane)
We give them a dime for every night they do a good job. (Debbie)
When my daughter was younger, I’d give her “get out of bed” tokens. She could use a token to get up to get a drink or go to the bathroom, whatever, but once they’re gone, she’s done and has to stay in bed. (Kelley)
Have kids share a room (Jen)
Cozy ambiance in their bedroom, reading books, air filter white noise and low background native music. I sometimes fall asleep there too. Zzzzzzzz! (Mari)
I put a child proof knob cover on the INSIDE of their room. (Maribeth)
Being consistent and making sure they know they HAVE to stay there! (Heather)
We lay with our kids until they fall asleep. Because that’s something we have always done it only takes about 10 minutes before everyone is asleep. That way we don’t have to have ANY issues with kids getting out of bed or worrying about what they do when/if they’re still awake. (Megan)
Got questions or other tips? Leave a comment and join in the discussion!
Kim Sorgius
Kim is just a girl, crazy in love with Jesus. She's a single mother of 4, a passionate homeschooler and life-long student. After teaching 8 years in public school, she traded her M.A. in Early Childhood for sippy cups and homeschool co-ops. Kim is the owner and editor of The Homeschool Village and Not Consumed where she encourages others to rest victoriously in the hands of God, rather than allowing life's difficult circumstances to consume.
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My problem is I have two 3 year old twins who get up in the middle of the night and get in bed with us. They have gotten to be very stelthy (or I am just very tired) and I don’t even realize it part of the time. Any suggestions for this?
What is your response to them when you do realize it?
I struggle with this too with my four yr old son. I wake up in the morning and there he is, asleep next to me. I worry the inconsistency will be extremely tough to correct.
Good ideas – but technology after 6 in our home is generally a NO NO. I find that anything – tv, computers, games, etch increase their irritability and decreases their body’s normal desire to ‘slow down’ at the end of the day.
I think having our 2 daughters, 8 & 5, share a room has been our biggest asset! Our 8 year old has started telling stories to our 5 year old stories every night. I am thrilled that they use that time to bond as sisters. It’s a time that is all their own, no parents listening, they are making memories! For our 2 year old son, we give him board books and a few quiet toys to play with in his crib if he wakes up before I’m ready to get up. Hopefully, this will lead to a smooth transition to quiet time in bed at night when he starts sleeping in a regular bed.
Tips for naptime? I have 2-yr old twins and since we switchd them to their toddler beds, naptime is not even a blip on the radar (I would say nealry impossible). But, they need their sleep. Naptimes are getting better. We usually lay on the floor for about 10-15 minutes. (We have always had a routine, but with the change…they are fighting it.)
Theresa, is it at all possible for you to have your twins nap separately? I have three kids (5, 2 and 14 months) and they all share the same room. Often the girls won’t sleep during afternoon nap time, but just have “quiet time” which for my two year old isn’t always all that quiet. To ensure that my son still gets his much needed 2nd nap, I put him in a Kidco (peapod) tent on our bed. For whatever reason, they all go to sleep just fine at bedtime and making sure that our son gets his naps during the day really helps. Changing your lingo from “nap-time” to “quiet-time” might help too. My 2 year old is more likely to fall asleep at quiet time if she’s given books or a couple of quiet toys like 2 or 3 Little People. She can have them, but she HAS to stay in her bed. If she doesn’t stay in her bed, she gets consequences.
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Thanks for writing this post!
Great tips! My baby’s only 15 months, but she has a sibling due to arrive in July, so I think we’ll have to mover her out of the crib early. Any tips for keeping her in bed are way helpful. Thank you (and your readers!) for sharing this post today.
Is it possible to borrow a crib from a friend? I would do anything to make that a possibility if I were you. My oldest two are 13 months apart. I actually bought a second crib.
Another option you have is to use a pack n play for baby. In fact, my youngest child (2.5) has never been in a crib at all…only a pack n play (and still sleeps in it everyday). Even if you don’t do it as long as I did, you can use it for the first year and that will greatly help!
I moved both of my oldest out of a crib and into a toddler bed at about a year old for the same reason you are considering it. (I have three kids, and the oldest one is three.) For my own sanity I needed them to be able to get up by themselves in the morning and get into bed on their own at night, so getting more cribs was just not going to work. My oldest had the hardest time with it, but with consistency and a good routine she learned pretty quickly to stay in bed. I put a cd player in her room and played a cd of relaxing music every night and nap time to signal that it was time to lie down and be quiet. Also, since we are a spiritually focused family, I prayed and sang with her every night before bed. My son loves going to sleep, so it only took a week or so to get him used to the toddler bed, but at naptime I still have to give him a few minutes to fall asleep before I put my daughter to bed or they play. I am thinking that putting him in a room of his own would solve that problem, however, so since my youngest is sleeping through the night I will probably alter sleeping arrangements soon.
Honestly, I would get another crib or use a pack-n-play. I had the same issue and when my almost 2 year old climbed out of the crib once I moved him to a toddler bed. Biggest mistake I EVER made and I still regret it, he is almost 4. He was a wonderful sleeper until I took him out of the crib, and has been a terrible sleeper since. Just finally getting him to stay in bed. Just my opinion
Like you, I created a bedtime routine when my kids were super young, babies even and it was among the best if decisions that I’ve made as a parent. Great article and awesome tips…beginning to end.
Did you want to come to my house for a while? My now-5-year-old has never, EVER done bedtime well. She never gets away with getting up. But biblical chastisement
is still required EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. (Multiple times a night probably at least 6 days/week.) She does not get up because of needs – or even perceived needs – she just doesn’t feel like being obedient.
It started with naptime. She quit taking naps at…2? I literally spent 3 solid weeks doing NOTHING all afternoon every day except disciplining her and putting her back when she tried to get up. (We’re talking about 5 HOURS a day every day.) She would finally fall asleep from sheer exhaustion just in time for dinner. We saw no improvement whatsoever, and I finally had to just stop putting her down for naps at all, because mama can’t afford to be spending 5 hours of every day doing nothing but putting a kid back to bed. (My friends all assured me that if I was consistent, we’d see results in just a few days.)
What the heck do you do with a kid like that? (Our 10yo has her days, as they all do, but she’s not an ongoing problem. And the toddler goes to bed without issue unless circumstances have been very strange, like when she’s been sick and sleeping with us so she’s off her routine.)
Two things come to mind right away. The first would be the consequence of going to bed early the following night. Have you tried that? Every time she gets out of bed, add time to the “sentence.” Don’t bother with chastisement if it’s not working. If she keeps getting out, keep adding in 15 minutes increments. If she has to go to bed right after dinner, perhaps that will change her mind.
The second would be a crib. Do you have one available? I would tell her that since she can’t obey like a 5 year old, she is going to need to sleep in a bed made for children who can not be trusted to stay in bed.
I can’t stress enough that some children are just like that. My oldest is and I would question my mothering skills if it wasn’t that my youngest works great with his bedtime routine. You know your child has sleeping problems when the only thing your ped can say ‘well your doing everything right’. My husband also remembers laying in bed wanting to fall asleep as a child – then I found other fa,lily members with similar stories.
The only things that have helped
We have a really early bedtime 7pm
I know my son and I know he needs at least 10-12 hours sleep even though others try to tell me ‘he may just not need that much slee’
We have used melatonin with the okay of the led – though I did all the research on it.
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One trick we used was after bedtime when the kids would come down for water or lost stuffed animal or whatever it was, I’d tell them: “Since you are down here now, you might as well help me clean —–”. They caught on pretty quick:)
How different it now is with one little one and four teenagers!!
Any advice for keeping them in bed later in the morning? My 2.5 year old will wake up at 6am regardless of what hour he went to bed.
My first advice would be to keep him in the crib, so he can’t get up. If for some reason you can’t…I would still do the following…
When he wakes early, do nothing. If he screams or cries, go in and say, “it’s not time to wake up yet, please go back to bed.” Then turn around and shut the door. If you do this consistently when they are young, it will be a rare occasion that they get up before you want them to. On the flip side, if you let them up at 6am…it will be a rare occasion that they ever sleep past that.
Thanks for the advice! I’ll give it a try this week.
I know this is coming a few months after your question… but, I thought I’d share how I get my girls to stay in their room in the morning. My girls (3 1/2 & 2) share a room and I have a lamp that automatically turns on at 7:15a. Even if they get up to go to the restroom, they are not allowed to be up & out of theiir room until the light comes on. So, they will get up, get a few toys or books and get back in bed. Sharing a room is nice in that they keep each other company, but I haven’t figured out how to keep them from waking each other up in the morning!
Thanks for the advice! I’ll give it a try this week.
Some of these are really great ideas, thanks! Consistency is really important—as is establishing yourself as authority at all times
Have a great day,
Mrs. Sarah Coller
I would not recommend getting into bed with you children until they fall asleep. This is a routine that your children are getting used to, and I don’t think you will want to climb into bed with them every night until they leave for college. They need to fall asleep on their own. It’s better to bite the bullet when they are young , to have peace of mind later.