The wind mocked the tears as they streaked painfully across my face. I was barely 21 that day, but the reality of my adult-ness was stark. I had my own apartment, my own car, and my very own bills to go along with them.
And I was horribly alone. Everything I had ever wanted had just been ripped into shreds with broken marriage vows and empty promises. With him, he took everything of value. Every ounce of security, every hope of being loved, and every prayer of living the American dream.
He left brokenness, despair, fear, and a huge hatred of God.
You see, to me, God had a bunch of rules that I needed to follow to get his subsequent blessings. I had followed the rules. I married a Christian whose parents were on the board of their church. He was even attending seminary. I had gotten straight A’s in school, never drank or smoked. I stayed out of trouble and followed everyone’s rules. But following the rules didn’t bring forth that well of blessing. Instead, I sat in a heap of despair, rejected and abandoned.
I didn’t run to God for help, comfort, or answers. I ran away. Far away. It seemed that God had no interest in protecting me. I was sure of one thing—> my best wasn’t good enough to get His approval and I wanted no part of this kind of Christian life. I kept that promise. For nearly 5 years, church was the last place you would find me. I didn’t pray or read my Bible. Honestly, I didn’t even care what God thought.
Fortunately, He cared what I thought and eventually I did turn my life over to Him–completely. It’s a great story, but there is something about all of this that I don’t want you to miss. Oh, sweet Christian parent, we have to be so careful how we teach our children when it comes to obedience and right choices. We have to be careful not to set the trap that was set for me. Because they might choose all the “right” things and still end up in a very broken situation.
I’ve struggled for years to understand how a girl could sit in the pew 3 times a week for 18 years and be so TOTALLY lost.
I knew scripture. I knew what God wanted me to do or not do. I could easily walk anyone through the Roman Road to salvation. I believed IN God. But I never believed Him. And honestly, much of that had to do with the teaching of the church. (Now don’t be getting all uptight, there will be no church-bashing here.) But I think it’s important to recognize that God is more than rules and blessing. He isn’t a genie in a bottle who comes out to grant my wishes, or an insurance policy to fix something when the heat gets turned up.
What I missed growing up was that God truly is my everything. I missed that He has amazing plans for me (Rom. 8:28). I missed that if I am filled with Him, I can be filled with nothing else (Eph. 5:18).
I missed that my choices, decisions, and behaviors should all be weighed in the light of His Word.
So I’ve purposed to make sure my children don’t miss it. At least not on account of not being told. I desperately want them to understand that every single thing they do matters to God.
1 Corinthians 10:31 says, “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.”
And that’s where discipline comes in. You see, how we handle life’s problems is very important. As parents, we need to support our children when they struggle and that includes discipline issues.
So let’s say the children are in the backyard fighting. Rather than bring them inside and give them a hearty lecture about how embarrassing that is (ya know, in front of the whole neighborhood) and how wrong it is to fight with their siblings, I ask 3 simple questions.
3 Discipline Questions for Christian Kids
1. Who are you pleasing, yourself or God?
I address this question at length in Pointing a Defiant Child to God. It’s basically my first question in most situations with my kids. Truthfully, I have to ask myself this question a lot. It’s easy to lose sight of who we are aiming to please and focus on our own wants or desires.
2. How are you showing love right now?
This question is often a little more casual than #1. It’s a simple reminder to my children that they are commanded to show love to those around them. Many times, simply asking this question totally dissolves a petty argument. The world may say otherwise, but God says to ALWAYS put others above ourselves. That means we should always be ready to give up a treasured toy, share that bowl of ice cream, or choose an option that is less than desired because another person chose the one we wanted.
3. What kind of witness or example are you showing?
This is the question I would have asked my kids who were fighting in the yard. I take this very seriously and I want them to, as well. We are called to go and make disciples of all nations. That means we need to be witnesses in EVERYTHING we do. If the neighbors hear them fighting in the backyard, it’s easy to conclude that Christianity hasn’t made them any different. Oh, what a horrible conclusion!
Of course, it’s important that we don’t miss the purpose behind these questions. No condemnation. No shame. We simply want to help our kids learn to evaluate their choices, not in light of what makes mom and dad happy or in an effort to gain something in life, but in light of what pleases God.
What do you think? How do you redirect your children to God in these moments?
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Jessi says
Thank you! I was not raised in the church or knowing anything of God (other than the negative opinions of the church from my parents). I have gone my own way, messed up my life terrifically, and since 2007 been born again. I struggle in guiding my children in this way. I have a very defiant child who questions me and sighs each time i bring up God or scripture complaining that I make everything about God. I realize that he may not have the faith that I do which truly does make everything about God. I love this and can’t wait to use it to help my bickering children think outside themselves.
Darlene says
Thank you for this article, I thourougly enjoyed reading it and I will be using these 3 questions with my children. It was a great reminder for me also.
Allison says
Thank you so much for such an eye opening post. I have struggled with my boys on this very idea. These questions really put things in perspective that they should be able to grasp. So wise!
Jeni says
Thank you. I’m going to start using these questions!
amanda says
Thank you for this! I’ve been looking for a new way to approach my kids arguing and this is what I needed!❤
Kim Sorgius says
You’re welcome!
Melanie says
Thank you! Is the stuff you right just the voice of experience or do you have some other specific resources too. I am a Christian mom of four and love all the extra stuff i can get my hands on. This is good for our whole family:) Thanks again
Kim Sorgius says
I write from experience parenting, from 6 years of training in child development and education, and probably no less than 500 parenting books. haha. The funny thing is, I use all kinds of stuff from everything I’ve ever learned so there is no telling where I got it and how much I mushed two or three ideas together. 🙂
Sarah Joy says
I’ve found that kids will stretch pretty far to justify themselves when angry. When I see this, I ask, “Be honest, is God pleased with your heart at this moment?” Take the focus of “But he/she did/said…” to my own attitude. When the heart is humbled, many things become more clear.
Kim Sorgius says
Excellent! 🙂
Sheila Edeliant says
Sarah, your comment about how far children will go to justify themselves made me think of something I have done with them. Even — especially — when the situation involves more than one child, we evaluate the situation by allowing each child to explain what he or she did or said. Nobody can talk for anybody else. (Of course, all of the children involved must be old enough to tell their part for this to work.)
We might start from the beginning and work through, from the end and work backwards, or from the heated point of argument and work both ways. From time to time we consider the question, Was that a good choice? A kind one? A God-honoring one?
As the children repeat the things they said/did, often they notice themselves where they went wrong. There is no room for justification, just a simple re-stating of facts.
Then we might talk briefly about what might be a better way to respond next time and where we can go from here.
In response to the original question of how do we redirect our children to God in these moments: my main tactic is to remind the child of a promise of victory through Jesus and often to immediately invite them to a simple prayer together. Singing a hymn or Scripture song together can be a great attitude adjuster, too. (Incidentally, these are the same steps I use myself to redirect from thoughts of temptation.)
It’s kind of a complicated subject, though, with so many varying moments (and, like The Gang’s Momma said above, foundations that must be laid for any of this to do any good)! 🙂
Ally says
I love this–such simple questions! Thanks for a great post!
Natalie says
This is a great article! I use all of these question’s with my own children and those I work with. I also ask “who are you giving control of your heart right now?” (Gal. 6:8)
Julie Looney says
Your testimony sounds so familiar. Except I gave up trying to be perfect for God in my teens. Had a baby by 15, married by 16 and so very very lost. What the Devil ment to destroy me with has become my greatest witness. I finally got the who God really is at 19 and gave myself up as a living sacrifice to his glory. Now 16 years later my sweetheart and I have been married 20 years in Nov. and have 8 children. GOD is soooooooo good!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for your story. I’m going to use those questions with my people. ?
Jessica says
Thank you for your post! Those are three questions that will become a staple in my home from now on. Thank you for sharing the wisdom you have learned. I have a feeling a will be asking myself those questions far more than my children. It does give us all a reality check.
Kim Sorgius says
So glad you were encouraged!
Kelly says
I completely agree ..great advice
Sitting in a church can’t make you love God ..it has to reach your heart Deuteronomy 6 v 4-7
Read Also Paalms 83 v 18 ?
Rachel Osborn says
You’re a genius! What are the verses you use to back up up those 3 questions? And so sorry for your past experiences, but glad you seem to have found your way. 🙂
Belinda says
Awesome post!!! Thank you for sharing this wisdom. So basic, and yet so powerful – these 3 questions can be applied in any situation. Thank you for this insight. I can’t wait to start applying it. 🙂
Kelly Bouhill says
Thank you so much for this wisdom filled post! I will be implementing these with my own children.
Kassi Chapman says
Beautiful! Such great questions to point our kiddos and ourselves back to Christ!
Katy says
I would love a printable with these questions as a reminder!
Kim Sorgius says
Thanks for the suggestion. We will work on that!
Suzy says
Great questions! I have been asking my three girls “What is more important, People or Things? Now I ‘m going to incorporate your questions as well! Thank you!
B.O. says
You have to make sure your kids know that only faith truly pleases God so they do not end up feeling unable to please Him like you did. They have to be turned to look at the Cross where the only thing good enough for God took place to make them good enough in His sight. Once born again, they can live in a pleasing way but should never think that is what puts them in right standing with God. Jesus must continually be the focus. God’s love for them displayed through Jesus remitting their sins and setting them right with Him and defeating death to give them eternal life freely without them having to earn it. 🙂
Kim Sorgius says
Absolutely!
Tanya says
This is so beautifully simple. Thank you! I’ve been struggling with a child who is lying and another who is becoming an over-the-top whiner! These will help tremendously. Instead of getting angry, I can ask them to do some genuine reflection!
Kim Sorgius says
You’re welcome.
Betty says
I like this. Great points.
Nikki says
Thank you for this, I too was raised in church and when life got hard became bitter at God. I know I wanted my kids to learn different than I did. We just lost everything due to a fire and it is an amazing blessing and my kids see that too. Sometimes we need to see a different perspective. Thank you will be using this very soon!