On the Life of a Single Mom
A note for our readers: This post was originally written in August of 2012.
A shame as dirty as the floor washed over me as I pulled the number from the dispenser. Babies wailed and mommas fidgeted. Numbers were called one-by-one. Brokenness filled the room. I couldn’t help but wonder about the circumstances that had left each person applying for government assistance. Abandoned families. Laid-off employees. Cancer patients. I prayed and reminded myself that God was in control over circumstances. Mine and theirs.
I fought the tears and resolved to maintain control. The moment would finally come when my number was called and she ushered us to her office. Right away, I could see that this social worker was not having a good day. She never looked up. Her tone was condescending and her heart cold. She fired questions at me, as if she was hoping to trap me. My situation was bleak and I needed the money, so I endured.
She had no patience, no understanding, and no tact.
On the form, I had checked married, but stated that he left. “That means you are separated, honey,” she jeered. I couldn’t find the voice to respond, so she continued. “You might as well face it. You are a single mom now.” It was the first time I would hear those words and it burned deep. The urge to choke her flooded over me, but I resolved not to come unglued. My heart withered in fear. I had no control over my life and the future was terrifying. I didn’t like it, but she was right. I was now a single mom.
Single mom.
For me, those words have always come with a wave of negativity.
I picture her living in a trailer, eating cans of beans from the church’s food bank and working while her babes sleep at night. She’s tired, mistreated, misunderstood, and often cries herself to sleep at night. Her heart is bitter and lonely and her responsibilities pile much higher than that sink of dirty dishes.
I grew up with this reality and I knew that it was the one thing that I never wanted to be. It was the one thing I feared the most. The one thing I worked the hardest to prevent. But it turns out that it’s not something I can control. Sweet friend…did you hear that? It’s not something you can control. Godly men can fall off the deep end in an instant. Even pastors, deacons and missionary men. Families shatter and you find yourself sitting in the piles of destruction.
I’ve lived in that destruction for 2 years, 8 months and 2 days. Up until this very moment, I have never used the phrase “single mom.” Even when it was a matter of getting food for my children, I refused to allow it to define me. Yet, the reality is…I am a single mom. I care for 4 small children by myself. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t want this. It doesn’t matter that I begged him to stay. It doesn’t matter that I pray daily for God to restore our family. The reality is…he isn’t here and I do this thing alone.
I’m a single mom.
Declaring this “status” makes it hard to breathe. The fear of the unknown, the lack of financial resources, the emotional trauma and the judging eyes all carry great heartache. But for me, my greatest fear is the lack of acceptance. I fear that this will be the one thing that will keep me from being loved.
So often, people assume that single moms brought their depravity upon themselves. I know they do, because I’ve been one of those people. I’ve judged and pointed fingers. I’ve believed the lie that she could have been a better wife. I’ve watched her car pull into McDonald’s and passed judgement, never wondering how I could help with the mountain of responsibility that she never asked for. I’ve avoided friendships with single moms and I’ve offered “suggestions” as to their working status. I’ve even held the same critical views of myself.
Oh, how I wish I had known the pain, the utter depravity that a mom feels that can’t be comforted with piles of bills, laundry, and toys. Oh, how I wish that I had just once stopped to think about how badly she needed a friend or how desperate she was for a hug. Oh, how I wish that I had just stopped judging and tried to understand. But honestly, there is no way to understand or fathom what a single mom experiences. Until you’ve been there.
As it turns out, being a single mom is not a label, it’s a situation. And situations are what you make of them.
Single mom, it’s time we stop believing the lie that what other people think matters. NO ONE else can define us, but our Father. Right now, we can choose to believe what God says about us. There is no mold or stereotype to threaten us. EVEN if it was entirely your fault that he left, God’s love for you (and me) is scandalous. It’s never-ending. All-consuming. Merciful and powerful. He chose us and adopted us as treasured daughters (Eph 1:4-8).
Perhaps you didn’t choose to be a single mom, but you can chose to bask in the love of our Savior, not allowing negativity to invade. We can claim the promise that He is in control and that His plan works all things for our good, even when others intend harm (Gen. 50:20). We can choose to believe that even in this circumstance God is working, refining our own depravity into a crown of beauty (Is. 63) Need more encouragement? Check out our #NotConsumed Scripture Cards for Moms. Our Scripture Cards are prayerfully curated promises from God’s Word that will encourage you to meditate on scripture daily. Display the verse on the wooden holder or send the card to a friend!
Through practical tools & Bible-based resources, Kim Sorgius is dedicated to helping your family GROW in faith so you can be Not Consumed by life’s struggles. Author of popular kid’s devotional Bible studies and practical homeschooling tools, Kim has a master’s degree in education and curriculum design coupled with over 2 decades of experience working with kids and teens. Above all, her most treasured job is mother and homeschool teacher of four amazing kiddos.
I’m a newly single mom. I am having a tuff time emotionally with what has happened but your email gives me hope and strength that I too can do this. Thank you.
Thank you for writing this, I’m having a tough time dealing with my situation thus nobody notices since I’ so good at faking to be in control. Its like you are saying all the things I don’t have the will to say. This has strengthen my day.
Thank you for your blog. I’ve been a single parent for my son’s entire life. He will be turning four in a few weeks. It’s nice to know others are in the same boat, surviving. You definitely never plan to be a single parent, but thanks for reminding me that God’s in control. I’ve learned to make the best of it, and it’s going pretty well now 🙂
Such a great post! I’ve been a single mama since pregnancy…officially now six years since she’s been born, but almost seven years on the journey since he left right after finding out I was pregnant. You communicate the depths of feeling so well and sometimes there are just no words for what happens to a heart and soul when facing its reality. I always wanted to be a mama, but not like this. Each year brings with it an element of strength and courage and acceptance, and the challenges come and go and evolve, but there is a lingering tension that never leaves. My greatest comfort has been The Lord who has strengthened me in ways I never knew were possible.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope…and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade…who through faith are shielded by God’s power. In this (we) greatly rejoice, though now for a little while (we) may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 1Peter 3-6
Happy to have found your blog. If you do not mind, I would like to share this on my FB page. (https://www.facebook.com/mysinglemomlife)
I absolutely love this post! Your blog and exactly what I needed for this tough season I am going through. Thank you so much for sharing!
AMEN!! You are amazing!! 🙂
Very well said. It hurts when you become a single mom. I was one for 6 years, with a special needs child to boot. It was rough, and many nights I cried for lack of sleep, strength, and not near enough hours in the day. I worked 3 part time jobs in nursing in order to have a flexible schedule and pay the bills. That is a place I hope to never go back to, with the trips to the social workers to fill out forms for assistance to bridge the gap during times I couldn’t work for my child’s illnesses (chronic), facing the pile of bills that solely laid on my shoulder, and no end in sight. I married since then, as did my son’s dad, and took on 2 more children with special needs, and even with all the stress of married life and special needs, I would take it over single parenthood anytime. I commend you for keeping on!
Oh, gosh, what perfect timing! I’m so glad that I’ve found your blog. It seems QUITE inspiring and I’ve only read a little. Perhaps when I have more time later I’ll grab some tea and have some Mama Time, reading more? I’m a new single Mom. In fact, our first court date is TOMORROW…and my divorce, after 18 years of marriage (and 4 years of exclusive dating), may only be 30 days away. My husband walked out on us February 16, the day after our oldest son turned 14 and 3 days after our youngest son turned 8, to be with a married woman he chatted with on-line for just 7 weeks, but had never met. Convinced that she was the love of his life (even though she had no plans to leave HER husband and kids), he told me and our kids, “Mom and I are divorcing. I love someone else and I’m leaving” and then walked out. “The love of his life” lasted only a few hours (literally!), but the emotional scars he left on our kids are forever. Anyway, part of MY STORY. LOL I used to hide it, but I’m growing stronger every day; I CAN do this and do it well! I look forward to reading more of your writing! Thanks for being open about YOUR life and sharing it with others!
Like you Kim and too many women leaving comments I share a very similar story. Thank you for sharing, it is so very difficult. Were it not for Christ being everything perfectly (faithful, true, devoted) I wouldn’t believe in love. I’ve grown a lot, this has molded me for the better thanks to Our Father in Heaven.
Yes thank you. It’s true that we all single mom making and pressing through with God’s true unconditional love and grace.I was just thinking this morning I don’t know where else I would have been without Christ love for me and my children. I love you all. Only he gives us the strength that we need the peace endurance the patience to go through in life and its hard Seasons and he is so faithful and true and I believe in His promises “I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of living. Wait for the Lord be strong and take heart and wait on the Lord Psalm 27:13, 14 blessings, and comfort.
Oh, you precious woman of God…. I am so sorry. My hear aches for you and your family. What a difficult thing! My best friend’s husband flipped a switch several years ago, and I can totally relate to your statement that “Godly men fall off the deep end in an instant. Even pastors, deacons and missionary men. Families shatter and you find yourself sitting in the piles of destruction.” Such heart ache! May the Lord continue to heal yours, and may He bring people in your path who can help with laundry, give you a little time to breathe and just listen and be a friend.
Thank you for your encouragement! 🙂
Hello there, very nice blog you have here. I was searching Christian blogs, Christian Single Parent Blogs, etc. I came across your blog. It is very beautiful. I am a single father with custody of my child. Single parenting can be messy.
Anywho, I wanted to wish you a Very Merry Christmas.
Check out my Christian blog if you have some time at: http://www.courageouschristianfather.com
Nice to “meet” you Steve!
I just became a single Mom yesterday, although the reason I am a single mom is that I was doing it basically all myself anyway. He had internet and gaming addictions, no affection for me, was verbally and emotionally abusive to me and kids. I pushed for change, he gave a tiny bit, but after 20 years of trying to impress upon him that we needed him, I finally felt like we didn’t any more. He is reaping what he had sown, and I had sheilded him from the consequences of his actions for far too lang. So he moved 400 miles away. Yesterday. Glad to find your blog- I know I was forced into this position, but I still feel somewhat at fault. your words “God’s love for you (and me) is scandalous” are healing. thank you
Praying for you, Nancy!
Hey Nancy, reading your comment sounds most similar to mine. I was married 14 years and we have 4 children. We married young, ( my high school sweetheart) and divorced about 4 years ago. He moved about 2 hours away where his family is from, met a girl and move in with her in Ventura CA, about 3 1/2 hours away from us. He is a narrcassist and could never keep a job and my parents supported us the majority of our marriage. He made selfish decisions that affected me and my family and was mentally and emotionally abusive to me and kids at times. I felt completely hopeless that things would change. Mind you he is a christian and well as myself and I trusted God though the whole marriage. I finally had come to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore and figured he would never change so I seperated from him and he still showed no signs of change so I filed for divorce. He didn’t want it but he never took responsibility for himself. I truly loved him and still do so it was very difficult and felt I was forced to make that decison. I met another guy shortly after who wasn’t a christian but had all the other qualities my ex didn’t. He truly is a great guy but he has no kids of his own and has never been married. We’ve been together for over 3 years now I we recently moved in his house in August of 2015 and it’s been very difficult for him to adjust. He’s gone all the time working for weeks at a time except weekends sometimes but he struggles with OCD and that doesn’t mix well with 4 kids. I feel that he needs God or else it won’t work and I feared this would come up at some point. Because he doesn’t truly know God I’m not sure he can know how to love unconditionally and extend the grace needed to me and the kids in order for this to work. Deep down I feel I need to let it go but I’m scared to go through another loss. If I could have things my way, I would just wish my ex would have a miraculous change and God could restore our family. Kids only see him 2 or 3 times a year and I hate that for them. After my divorce, I never really had to know what it was like to be alone and rely on God and a big part of me feels that that is what I need to do. I know this is alot but I always welcome others experiences as this is my first time going through all this. My kids are 16 yrs., 13 yrs., 12 yrs., and 8 yrs.old. I have great support from my parents and can move there any time but it’s just making that decision. I’ve never shared on social media or a blog like this before. Please pray for me that I will hear God clearly for my next step. Ultamitley I want what God wants for me and my children.
I am SO happy that I found your website. I don’t know what to call myself sometimes. My husband has been in prison almost 5 years and will be for many more. I have used the term single mom. The other day I said I was a Prison Widow. Both of those terms are not what I ever dreamed I would be. We have 9 children. I have a supremely supportive church who is committed to homeschooling so they have made a way for me to stay home with my children. I am incredibly blessed.
I have a testimony to God’s faithfulness. I tithed last Sunday and someone handed me an envelope on Tuesday with 6 times what I gave! You cannot out-give God and you can absolutely trust Him!
I am continually comforted by this verse:
2Co 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
What an amazing testimony you are! Thank you for sharing with us and I’m so glad you’re here!
Lord bless you, Kim. We have so many friends, so many, that are single moms. Dear friends. I have a special place in my heart for you, and as you know, so does the Lord. I’ve been reading a new book by Dr. Tony Evans. He has a special message in it for single parents. He says, “God knows the situation you are in, and He knows where to find you. He loves you and has great compassion on you. When you hurt, He feels it. He knows your loneliness, stigma, and pain. After all, He experienced the fullness of all three on the cross.” I’m not trying to preach, I know you know this. I’ve just been really encouraged myself reading this book. It’s solid, thorough, inspirational and affirming. It’s called, “Raising Kingdom Kids: Giving Your Child a Living Faith.” I recommend it for any parents interested in a great resource. Blessings to you!
Thanks for the recommendation. I’ll check that out!
To all single moms: Please do not fret. I was a single mom for 9 years before my husband and I started dating. I went from having it all to having no income and a child in diapers to care for. There were times where I couldn’t pay our rent, our bills or get food without assistance. There were times where my electricity and gas were shut off. I know how difficult it can be. But, being a single mother is not terrible. It helped mold me into the person I am today. I became strong, creative, handy, AND most of all, an incredible mother. Do not let the shameful judgements of others define you and your child(ren). Also, you self worth is most definitely NOT defined by whether or not you are married.
Focus on God. You are never alone. See if your local church has a Mothers of Young Children group. If they don’t, you may be able to find another, local to you.
Focus on building your career… there are resources available in most cities to help you get a jump start. My city had what was called Work Force One. The organization helped with job training, and placement and education costs if needed.
Focus on your child(ren). The most important thing you can do is put them first, above all your needs and wants. It’s exhausting but I promise you, it is rewarding.
I will say that remaining abstinent helped keep me focused all those years. I knew what I needed to do to get our life back on track and dating was a distraction. I know it’s not for everyone, but I was honestly happy.
As my Grandmother would say … “God loves ya”.
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” … Philippians 4:13
Wonderful post. 🙂 I remember when the realization knocked the wind out of me. And I remember the day I realized how condescending my pity for those poor single moms had been, “those poor things I’m glad I’ll never have to experience that”… until I did. Beautiful post.
Thank you. Thank you. This post was so comforting and I feel so understood.
Thank you so much for the encouragement and the courage you have to be so transparent to minister others through your situation. God bless and keep your family!
You are welcome! I’m so blessed by the opportunities that God has given me to help and encourage!
I been a single mom since 2012 it’s been hard yes I choose to leave my daughter dad but he was emotional physical and verbal abusive to me we didn’t know each other good and he showed his true colors after finding out we was pregnant in 2012 with our daughter. I hate myself sometimes because I promise myself I wouldn’t put my child through what I went to as a child Luke having to go to her dad’s plus having him and his family bad talk about me but u r blogged helped a lot
Praying for you.
Kim, you are God sent to my life, I am reading this story and seeing the path I have walked for so long and yearning just a simple hug or a friend to walk with me. I have gained confidence in knowing that friend is Jesus he sticks closer than a brother and I am now healed. Amen Praise the Lord! for the millions you are reaching through this blog, God bless you and your kids abundantly 🙂
Thank you for your sweet words. Praying for you!