The Truth About Kids Fighting & How to Stop It

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Are your kids fighting… STILL? Yeah, I’ve been there too. In fact, every parent struggles with this. You’re not failing. You just need a change in perspective and some tools in your belt. It’s time we face the truth about why our kids struggle to get along and learn how we can help.

Oh, how I wish I could tell you my kids never fight, but it wouldn’t be true. Not only have I used foundational principles to stop sibling fighting in my house, I’ve worked hard to foster sibling love.

Can you relate? Do you know the feeling of frustration that wells up in your soul when the bickering, unkind words, and fists start flying?

You’ve talked about having strong sibling relationships. You’ve punished. Threatened. Even done a sibling rivalry Bible study, but there are STILL kids fighting.

I know you feel the pain, too, which leaves us with the question at hand. Why are our kids fighting? What are we doing wrong? If you and I have worked so hard on this, why does it often seem as though we are making no progress?

Why Are My Kids Fighting… STILL?

There are still kids fighting because we are all selfish and driven by our flesh.

It often seems like the quest to end sibling fighting is a losing battle because every single person alive is selfish. We are all driven by our flesh and its desires. James 1:14 tells us we are each tempted not by what someone else desires, but by our OWN selfish desires. In fact, we can’t even be tempted by the things we don’t desire.

This is one of the most profound truths to teach kids when it comes to dealing with relationships. (Ok, many adults need to learn it as well.) When faced with a conflict, if we can step back out of our own desires (or “rights”) we would be able to quickly make peace. It’s when we insist on our own way that we get into trouble and the conflict blows up.

Real love doesn’t insist on its own way (1 Corinthians 13:5). Real love puts others first. Here’s the problem… even as adults this is super hard for us to do. This is our #1 battle here on earth, and it won’t change until we are with Jesus, so we need to acknowledge that. Learning these verses and reminding ourselves of this truth does help resolve conflict and it will eventually make those altercations less frequent.

But, sweet mama, DON’T expect your kids to be perfect here. Unless, of course, you are. (Haha. I kid.) Seriously, we often expect our kids to never ever fight with their siblings, insist on their own way, or demand rights. Yet we turn around and do exactly that with our spouse (or even the lady who cut us off in the fast lane).

What you can ask your kids to help them think about this—> 

1. What could YOU have done in that situation to bring peace more quickly? (Instead of focusing on how they were wronged.)
2. What “rights” could YOU have given up in the interest of putting others first?

There are still kids fighting because God is still working on all of us.

This brings me to my next point. Sin is a part of life on this fallen earth. I’m not making excuses for anyone here, only pointing out the stark reality of life.

I can’t help but think of the old song, “He’s still working on me. To make me what I ought to be.” Part of life here on earth involves our sanctification as Christians. We can’t forget that God is still working on us. None – no, not even one of us – has yet arrived. Our kids need our grace just as much as we need God’s grace for our DAILY failures.

This doesn’t mean we will let them continue to fight. It means we will seek to UNDERSTAND why it happens. It means we as parents will seek to HELP our kids work through the hard parts instead of shouting, punishing, and slamming doors. No, we won’t get it right every time either, but from this moment on, we will purpose ourselves to give every ounce of effort toward achieving this. Deal?

I’m not saying it’s hopeless. There is ONLY hope in Christ. We can expect to see Christian kids fighting to battle against their selfish desires, but we are dead wrong to expect perfection out of them. That’s an impossible standard and it will only frustrate our kids.

What you can ask your kids to help them think about this—> 

1. How is God working in your life right now to help you grow?
2. Was that choice/statement showing grace for your sibling as he/she is growing and learning in Christ?

This isn’t Burger King and you can’t have it your way.

You CAN’T have it your way. I like to use the analogy of bumper cars when I talk about sibling relationships. As soon as the buzzer sounds, 25 eager drivers put the pedal to the metal and havoc breaks loose. Each person in those cars has an agenda.

Anytime you live closely with someone, your own desires, opinions, and ideas will cause friction in that relationship. When you live in the same house this can literally be physical contact with each other. But most often the friction refers to the conflict of wills, attitudes, emotions, and opinions. These things rub against each other making it difficult to get along with your siblings which leads to kids fighting.

Have you ever noticed that your agenda doesn’t match the agenda of others? Go with me back to the bumper car lot for a moment. For people like me, we hope to make several laps following all of the driving laws so we can mark “practice driving” off the to-do list for the day. Then there are people like my 10-year-old son. His agenda is to bump as many people as humanly possible. He keeps a mental record and compares amusement park experiences over the years with others.

As you can imagine, if I get into a bumper car lot with my son, one of us is going to be disappointed with the results. Our agenda will be ruined.

All relationships are like this because each person brings into the relationship their own agenda (or will), attitudes, emotions, and yes, opinions. They have their own purpose, their own plan for how it should look, and their own ideas about what is good. Teach your kids this truth about others and themselves. No, it won’t create an instant bond or solve all of your sibling rivalry problems, but as I mentioned above, this knowledge will definitely help make conflict less frequent as your kids seek to become more Christ-like by understanding the position of the other person.

What you can ask your kids to help them think about this—> 

1. Did you seek to understand the other person’s point of view or problem?
2. Is there something you can do to better understand WHY they are behaving that way?

Your kids are in training, NOT taking the final exam.

One night I found myself in a frustrated fit. I was praying (or maybe shouting at God) over a major conflict in our family that day. The enemy was working hard on his lies and I was convinced I was failing as a mom. There was no hope because I had plain ruined my kids and it was too late to fix them. (Sound familiar?)

That night I was journaling through my frustration and God revealed this truth to me: Your kids are in training, NOT taking the final exam. I stopped dead in my tracks as soon as the words were written. Oh, the freedom and responsibility in this truth. My kids are in training. That’s what we are doing here. And you know what training looks like? Well, it’s messy. It includes mistakes, failures, and a LOT of practice.

If there is anything you hear in this post today, I pray this is it. Our job as parents is simply to train our kids. Training takes a lifetime. It’s not perfect. It’s not usually pretty. It’s sweat, tears, toil, hardship, and eventually, it’s victory. Note I said eventually. One day, Lord willing, your kids will get it. One day they will see the value in putting others first and setting aside their own agendas.

But here is the sweetest part of the deal. You aren’t responsible for ONE DAY. You are responsible for the training TODAY. God handles the rest. He is the one who continues to work in their hearts for eternity. Your job, my job, is just for today. It’s just for these short precious years when they live under our roof and listen to our wisdom. So instead of looking for final exam results, just be faithful to the training. God is right there with you, holding up your arms for strength and ready to step in as backup.

Will there still be kids fighting? Yes. But keep planting seeds and trusting God!

What you can ask your kids to help them think about this—> 

1. In what ways have you seen your siblings grow in Christ recently?
2. Are you seeking to understand that your siblings are still in training? (This one is really useful for the oldest kids who tend to be legalistic rule followers.)

Ongoing practice to help stop kids from fighting.

A few years ago I wrote the My Brother’s Keeper Bible study helping siblings understand God’s purpose for their relationship. (Some of what I shared today is even taught to kids in this study.) Over the years, I’ve repeated this study with my kids every summer as it’s great to review. I’ve found my kids have learned new things and seen biblical truth in a different light every single year.

However, I was still looking for a way to help them intentionally nurture their sibling relationships on a regular basis. Enter the Sibling Challenge Journal. I’m so excited about this product as it does exactly that. The very purpose is to help kids think intentionally about fostering a good relationship with their siblings. It helps them journal through the good, bad, and even the ugly.

It’s NOT intended to be used as a family, as it’s something each individual should pray over and focus on. However, there are things you can do as a mom to help encourage its use.

1. Have a weekly discussion as a family about how the sibling challenge has encouraged your child.
2. Ask your child privately if he/she would like to share one of their favorite weeks with you.
3. Ask your child if there is anything they are struggling with and would like you to help with or pray about.
4. Of course, buy them one. Haha. Seriously, they can’t use it if we don’t equip them!
5. When conflict arises ask, “Do you think time in your journal would help?”

Last but not least, if you haven’t read this post already, make sure you aren’t making one of these mistakes in fostering brother and sister love.

I pray this post has equipped and encouraged you on this journey. Don’t give up! This is a battle worthy of our endurance.

Need More Help With Sibling Relationships?

• Teach your children the 6 special reasons God gave them siblings and how to foster sibling love.
• Help your kids learn how to build strong sibling relationships.
• Here are 8 awesome gifts for siblings!

The My Brother’s Keeper Bible Study is part of our Relationships Series, designed to teach your kids Biblical principles for developing and strengthening Christian relationships. Each bundle contains five age-appropriate Bible studies: Obey, My Brother’s Keeper, Making Peace, Becoming a Servant, and Navigating Friendships— plus, some fun bonus items! Check out the collection!