“We sat together on the couch. Me with a book in hand, sharing a tale of a runaway train and my boy, with his hands in his pants.
All at once my palms grow sweaty and my heart beats rapid. I knew that this day was coming. I knew that there was an extremely perverse culture out there chasing after him with it’s lustful destruction. And I knew that this was only the beginning of a long battle.
The lustful destruction after my sweet little boy sinks heavy into my momma heart as he continues to touch himself. I ponder it for only a second longer before I know that it’s time to make much out of what many think is nothing.
By this point he knows the story has stopped and looks up to see what could be causing this interruption. I dig deep for my grown up voice and squeak out the words despite the trembling in my heart.
It sounded a little something like this:
Son, does it feel good to touch yourself there?
Yes, he answers without hesitation.
Did you know that God designed you that way? In fact, He actually created you to have that good feeling because he loves you so much.
He crinkles his nose and wonders aloud, “He did?”
Yes, he did. BUT, in His word He gave us some very specific instructions about that good feeling you feel. I want to talk to you all about many of the things that God says about this as you get older. But right now, there is something that you need to know. That feeling you feel is meant to be a feeling that is shared only with your wife. God wants you to save that feeling for her.
Which means, you’ll need to guard your hands from touching, your eyes from looking at women that aren’t dressed modestly, and your heart from wanting those things. He also takes very seriously the way we talk about those feelings.
A little light bulb goes on and he wonders, “Is that why you don’t want me to use the p (referring to his genitals) word with my friends?”
Yes, son. That’s exactly why. Unless you are talking to a doctor or your mom about it, you probably don’t need to discuss it. Your choice to discuss those things with other boys or girls could lead to all kinds of trouble for you and them.
Satisfied, he moved on. Can you finish the story?
And I did. The conversation quieted as quickly as it crept in. But my heart was still beating out of my chest. I found myself wishing that dad were having this conversation with him and that I didn’t have to think about his hand in his pants or about the websites he might one day find or about this momma’s incredible fear that he wouldn’t be able to withstand the temptation.
You see, I know first hand the slow fade of dabbling with a few inappropriate images to spending more time with those women than your wife. I know the destructive slippery slope that drops men (and women) straight into the icy waters of emotional affairs, adultery, and divorce.
The lust of the eyes is after my boy (and yours) and I KNOW that it is plain foolish to be ignoring it. EVEN at 6 years old.
No, I don’t think I’m being a little extreme. One trip to the mall, and it ought to be obvious to any Christian than this isn’t a little problem anymore. The life-size ads that drape themselves across the storefronts and dance vividly in minds of our boys, are no longer subtle. Shopping bags, t-shirts, and grocery store magazines are on the prowl for their little hearts.
The message they sell is simple: sexual gratification is instantly available and it will make you happy.
Oh what a wretched lie! In my opinion, I must diffuse this lie now! If I’m not counteracting the message that the world is sending him now, then he isn’t going to believe me later. And worse, if he develops the wrong view about what God created those feelings for, then he will waste this precious gift away on self-pleasure, empty images, and cheap one-night stands.
And that, my friends, is what leads to the sexual epidemic we face today. Without a pure and godly perspective, we find ourselves unable to get enough. And the sexual giant is an untamable beast, going from one little image to a nasty and vile horror.
There is no doubt. This is serious and I want to prepare my children to fight it.
You know what? My little talk worked. It’s funny how I doubted it. I had prayed about it and thought about it for so long, but somehow I really just didn’t believe that my little talk would do the trick in his little 6 year old heart.
But it did. It’s been nearly 7 months since that day on the couch and only one time have I seen his hands in his pants. That time, I watched him quickly remove it, look up at me and smile. He didn’t say a word, but I knew he was thinking about what I had said.
And I knew that I hadn’t made it a dirty and bad thing, but a beautiful thing worth saving for his wife.
Ya know, sometimes I wonder if that was what I was missing. When I was a teen, abstinence was all about pleasing God and yourself. I don’t remember thinking about it from the angle of what I would be robbing from my future husband if I was not pure.
And of course, the lines drawn back then were so lightly etched in the sand and so far from God that they were hard to stand behind. So I didn’t bother. The hope of love prevailed and I bought the lie. Oh parents, don’t be fooled into thinking that this can’t happen to your A+ Christian students, too. We need something more than a pretty little talk backed by a little ceremony with a ring in the youth group.
We need a deep dark line of motivation and desire for purity that is etched firmly in God’s word. Trust me, if the line isn’t far enough from the world, there is little chance of ending up clearly pure before a holy God.
I don’t want my children to have Bill clinton morals…always changing the line of what is really defined as sex. I want them to seek wholly after a pure HEART before God, which in turn leads to pure thoughts, pure hands, pure lips, and a pure marriage. I want them to have a level of purity that holds no question, no ambiguity, and no shame. A level of purity that will lead them to a beautifully godly spouse and give them the real gift that God intended to give them in marriage.
All of that starts now with the discussion of what we are amusing ourselves with and instruction of what it is all intended for.
Of course, I’m not suggesting that you need to have the exact conversation above with your boys when they turn 6. As parents, we have to get before God in prayer and ask Him when the time is right and what we should say. I would, however, strongly suggest that your focus be on the feelings that touching yourself creates. That is the same lustful feeling that your boy will feel throughout his life. The earlier he learns EXACTLY what God created it for, the better.
No, my son does not understand sex and actually doesn’t even know the word. I’ve had discussions with my girls about this (I LOVE this resource) but my boy is not quite at the point where he is curious enough to have even thought through the practical parts of sex.
For now, I focus on helping him understand what God wants from Him in terms of purity:
*Pure heart—> A pure heart is one that seeks gratification only from God and puts nothing above Him. (Psalm 24:3-5)
*Pure thoughts—>Pure thoughts are those that focus on God and not the pleasures of the world. (Phil. 4:8) Jesus is very clear that even looking at a woman lustfully is adultery. (Matthew 5:28)
* Pure eyes–> Pure eyes turn away from those dangling ads in the store, those magazines in the checkout line and even the ladies under ware packages in the department store. I love that even at 6, my son doesn’t look. Period. And believe it or not- he is far more sensitive to this than I am. I love that I am teaching him this now, so he will know how hard he will always have to work to keep his eyes pure in our culture.
My resources for moms teaching boys about sex
1. Of course the most important resource is the Bible. There are plenty of particular passages that are fantastic, but the truth is, the best way for any of us to remain pure is to daily read the Word.
2. The best parenting book I’ve read on this topic is Raising Real Men. Authors, Hal and Melanie Young have an amazing website in addition to their book, sharing parenting resources and tips. They have 6 boys who have given them lots of opportunities to gain unique expertise in this subject. It’s a MUST have for any mother of boys.
3. For specifically teaching about sex, I use The Talk. Author, Luke Gilkerson is the proud father of four boys. For over six years Luke has been working for Covenant Eyes, educating individuals and families about guarding themselves online. He is the author and general editor of eight Covenant Eyes’ e-books, including,When Your Child is Looking at Porn, Parenting the Internet Generation, and Your Brain on Porn.
This is the resource that I used with my girls and I absolutely loved the way it was set-up, as well as the strong biblical emphasis that is clearly the backbone to the study.
What are your thoughts? Have you had “the talk” with your boys? In what ways are you teaching them to protect themselves from the dangers of our culture?
Disclaimer: I use the real p word when talking to my kids about their body parts. I use the proper term for inappropriate internet images, as well. I am not using them here in order to keep search engines from picking up those phrases for the wrong purposes. I simply want to keep the dirty people off of my site. So, thanks for bearing with me on that one.
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