Remnants of lunch smeared across her pants, she totes a toddler on one hip and a diaper bag big enough for a family of 12. She can’t remember the last time she slept through the night or went to the bathroom by herself.
“No” is her new middle name and an empty coffee cup is a serious emergency. Yep, she’s the mom of a toddler. Possibly the most physically exhausting job there is. And somewhere in there she’s supposed to train these little hearts toward Jesus?
I remember well those early parenting days. My first two babies were 13 months apart. Many days, I thought I would die. I wondered if I’d ever go to the bathroom without someone dumping a box of cereal on the carpet or if my Bible would grow dust from all of those mornings that I was just too tired to crack it open. It was hard. Even though I was so graciously blessed with the privilege of having those sweet little tots, it was plain hard.
Mom, just because your friend has 2 or 3 more kids than you do, don’t discount how difficult those toddler years are. Don’t discount how hard it is to just have one. This parenting thing is new everyday and just when you think you’ve got the little guy figured out, he changes.
A few months ago I wrote a post on consequences for little hearts. The post itself was full of ideas that were applicable for children about age 5-12. But this leaves a huge gap. Knowing that those early years, before age 5, are crucial to your child’s development, I wanted to offer up a few pieces of wisdom for parenting the toddler years. Be encouraged mama, you can do this!
The Don’ts of parenting the toddler years
Don’t take it personally…defiance is a flesh issue not a reflection of her love for you.
Don’t always hover…let her experience minor natural consequences for naughty behavior.
Don’t explain everything…you’ll have plenty of time to share the moral reason why when he is older.
Don’t offer choices…this includes clothes, colors, foods, etc. Save the battles for later.
Don’t let media dictate your child’s behavior…she will imitate what she watches.
Don’t compare your child to others…he will learn to obey at his own pace.
The Do’s of parenting the toddler years
Make quiet time your priority
I know it’s hard. No, I really know. But I promise it’s a worthwhile investment in your children. If you can wake up FOR your kids, you won’t wake up TO them. And your whole day will change. Sign up for Hello Mornings this fall and make it your priority. I’ll be your cheerleader!
Find a Titus 2 woman
If at all possible, find yourself a mentor, a Titus 2 woman who can walk with you through these years. I would encourage you to make broad your definition of “older woman.” While those women who have graduated multiple children are a wealth of knowledge, they have forgotten a LOT of what happens in the trenches of toddlerhood. Instead, find a mom with multiple children who are late elementary or middle school. These moms have toddlerhood fresh on their minds. Trust me!
Find grace
When I first had children, there was one thing that I was SURE of. My children would obey. The first time. Period. Over the years I have learned that this is a ridiculous expectation. Do I obey the first time every time? (God is shaking his head furiously right now.) If I can’t meet that expectation as an adult, then I can’t place that expectation on my little guys. I’m not saying to throw it all out the window and just let them do whatever they want. Be firm and consistent, but know that you must find grace for that sweet little defiant face.
Make a schedule
If you cringe at the thought of a schedule and you have toddlers, I challenge you to consider trying it. Toddlers thrive on structure. They should get up roughy the same time, take a nap at roughly the same time, and have meals at roughly the same time. This type of consistency helps them feel secure.
Give instructions
Remember, you are mom. Don’t ask your child what she wants to do. Give instruction for what you want her to do. If you ask her is she wants to go to bed, do you honestly think she will ever say yes? Your question indicates to her that it’s an option and it isn’t. The same thing goes for “ok.” Don’t put that on the end of your instructions. “Get in the car, ok?” is a choice. But you aren’t offering a choice. You want her in the car. So state that.
Expect obedience
When you ask your child to do something or to stop doing something, ask only once. Don’t count to three. Don’t threaten…”if you do that one more time, I’m going to…” Simply state your command one time. IF the child is disobedient, move directly to corrective discipline. Otherwise, you make yourself a liar and that reputation will stick.
Fight disobedience with consistency
Most offenses by a toddler involve the hands. These are new tools that he is just starting to understand. Discipline remains the same regardless of circumstances. If he takes a friend’s toy, pushes a sibling, or touches the tv remote, squeeze his hand and say no. If that doesn’t stop the behavior, remove him from the room.
For example, if he touches something he shouldn’t…
1st offense…make eye contact and say no
2nd offense…squeeze hand and say no
3rd offense…remove the child to his crib or a high chair in another room
Teach them to say “yes mom”
I start this really early. If baby is doing something naughty, I tell him no, remove him from the situation and say- “yes mom” while I am showing him obedience. Once he is about 18 months old, I would first say “no” and then coax him to obedience while saying “yes mom.” If he doesn’t comply, pick him up and show him obedience while saying “yes mom.” (If he goes back to the problem area, then I would confine him in the high chair or pack n’ play.)
Set boundaries
Speaking of confining, the best thing you can do for yourself with a toddler is to set boundaries during the day. Have a time set aside for “high chair” time and put him in it while you clean the kitchen or pay the bills. Have a “room time” where your tot stays in his crib (lights on, with toys) to play. This frees you up to get a shower or brush your teeth with the assurance that he is safe. It also makes him more compliant in the grocery cart, doctor’s office, or anywhere else where he can not run free. Yes, he may cry at first, but it won’t hurt him to learn that sometimes we have to sit still or stay in one place. More on room time here.
Learn to ignore tantrums
Unless your child is hurting someone, let her throw a tantrum. Ignore it. Walk away. Do some dishes. Whatever you do, don’t try and problem solve it. Tantrums don’t dignify a response. And this is applicable to any age.
Keep on doing it
Be patient. Training toddlers takes a LOT of consistency. Don’t expect perfection. In fact, your toddler is probably better at obeying than you think. If you feel discouraged, get a sheet of paper and make tallies for the number of times he obeys each day vs. the number of times he doesn’t.You’ll be surprised at how many times he actually does obey. Look for progress, not perfection. That’s your goal in this phase.
Get some great resources
It can be hard to find parenting books with specifics for dealing with toddlers. So often they are geared toward older kids or they are simply too generic to be of help. My favorite practical book for this stage is On Becoming Toddlerwise. I also love Mom’s Notes by Carla Link. Both are full of very practical advice for specific situations that arise in toddlerhood. In addition, Chronicles of a Babywise Mom is an excellent online resource for practical ways to help your toddler.
Be encouraged
Sweet mom, if you don’t hear anything else in the post, I want you to know this. God has given you this precious child. You can not mess him up, because God’s love for him fills the gaps of your failures. We all fail, but in God’s grace every single one of our children is held in His hands.
A printable prayer for you…
For a downloadable version, click here…[download id=”6″]
Do you have tips for the toddler years? Burning questions that I didn’t answer? Please share!
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Looking for a better way to encourage your children to pray?
Lauren says
Another thing to keep in mind is gender differences. Raising a little boy is so much different than little girls. I personally found my girls much easier to train, where as John requires much more patience, grace and re-training!
Kim Sorgius says
Yes, my boys have been different than my girls. For me, even my girls were different than each other. Personality plays a huge part in it. In fact, without mentioning names, my most difficult toddler wore bows in her hair. 🙂
Jenn says
This is what I found, too! Maybe it’s MY personality coming out in her, but having a little spit-fire of an intense girl follow my very compliant and observant boy, we definitely had to rethink our parenting strategies! I’m sure we’ll need to adjust things again for all of our future children!
Morgan says
Thank you for your suggestions…I’m knee deep in toddler hood right now and there are days when I just want to pull my hair out (sigh). Any suggestions for handling 2 girls that are extremely emotional? The whining, crying, and flailing on the floor get really exhausting after a while.
Kim Sorgius says
Ignore it. Whining, crying, and flailing get you nowhere around here. Isn’t one of your girls old enough to be sent to her room ( I loose track of how old people are very quickly)? I just tell them- hey- if you want to act like that, do it in your room.
Whining is every parent’s worst nightmare. “They” say that if you give in once, it will never stop. I suppose that is true, since we all give in once. Or twice. Or 400 times. 🙂 Anyway, keep plugging at it. If something is said in a whining voice, I won’t respond. Especially if it is a request for something. We have this verse posted….Do everything without complaining. Phil 2:14. We’ve also done an in-depth lesson about all of the trouble that complaining and grumbling caused for the Israelites. But you may not be ready for that.
Usually what I say to my kids is…you may ask for that again with a happy heart. But I don’t give a lot of chances. If they mess it up the second time, they won’t be getting whatever they asked for.
Kim Sorgius says
I just stubbled on this. Not sure it is the most exciting song ever, but, hey, here it is! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9kSYVZmf38
inTN says
I’m right there with you! I feel overwhelmed and crazy most days!
Alli says
When my 2 and a half year old little boy whines at me, I look at him and say “Mommy doesn’t understand whining, can you ask again using your big boy words?” And if he whines again I say, “I’m sorry, I don’t understand whining.” This usually only takes a couple of times for him to get the idea. Sometimes I have to model it back to him by saying something like, “you could say something like this” Mom, can I please have a cookie?”. Then he repeats in back to me, and I will praise him for talking kindly. Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean I will give in just because he stated it without whining. But it usually works because it’s more of a reminder to come and ask me nicely. It definately helps to get your hubby/partner on board with this too, it helps if both of you are consistent. Sometimes if my boy is whining at Dad, I will pipe in and say, “son, Daddy doesn’t understand whining, try again please.” and he usually fixes it right away.
Kim Sorgius says
I didn’t discuss complicated circumstances in this post. (It was already so many words!) But, I wanted to remind you to have a little extra grace in your situation, Kim. Mind you, don’t throw rules and discipline out the window. Just remember that she doesn’t even have words to express her feelings over what is happening in your family. (Clearly, I need to write a whole separate post on this topic, don’t you think?)
Elizabeth @ Warrior Wives says
My first two boys are 14 months apart (I like to call them my “almost twins”) and oh my….it was so, so hard when they were both babies. These are all great suggestions, especially the one about giving them grace about the first-time obedience thing. That can just make you angry at them.
Also, Loving the Little Years by Rachel Jankovic is a great book for surviving and enjoying those intense years.
Kim Sorgius says
Oh, thanks for the suggestion ELizabeth. I haven’t read that one!
Crystal says
Just came across your blog from Pinterest. Love it! This post is just what I needed! I have 2 boys. 18 months and an almost 3 year old. (They are 16 months apart). I have especially been struggling with discipine with the 2 year old and feeling like I’m doing everything wrong. What an encouragement you have been through this post! I am looking forward to reading your blog!
Kim Sorgius says
Oh, I’m so glad you found this post! I love to hear how God is using me to share His words with people who most need them. I think I can speak for all moms when I say that we all feel like we are doing everything wrong sometimes. Be strong and courageous! You will live through this and you’ll have wonderful stories to tell.
Jessica Ubel says
Hey, stumbled on this from Pinterest! Crazy! Anyway, BEST book EVER on parenting toddlers is “Loving the Little Years” by Rachel Jankovic. My mom bought it for me and I was skeptical, but this is written by a mom in the trenches of parenting toddlers. It doesn’t prescribe very much, but it describes and in those descriptions is truth. One of the best realizations I had come to (which you mention in your Consequences . . . post) is that we are sinners–and we’re parenting little sinners! Ha! My expectation of obedience drastically changed when I remember who I was in Christ (imperfect, but forgiven). While the editing could be improved (keep in mind this is a mom, not an author by trade!), it’s a super quick, engaging, hilarious read that I recommend to any mother “in the toddler trenches!” 🙂
Kim Sorgius says
Sounds like I must get that book!
McFitz says
Thank you for this. My little man is 18 months and it can be challenging. I know that it will only get worse once he really starts talking. I especially like the hand thing for discipline. One thing that has made it easier for me – my husband and I are on the same page and we back each other up. This is very helpful to make sure everyone is on the same or very similar page for discipline and encouragement. 🙂
Hayelycline says
This is such sweet medicine for me! I am at an impass with my nearly 18 month old daughter… I just didn’t know how to get things across to her! Thank you 🙂
Jen says
‘Tantrums don’t dignigy a response.’ I love this. Thanks.
Jen says
…and I can’t spell. ‘dignify’
Kim Sorgius says
Don’t worry! My brain has auto-correct. I didn’t even catch it. 🙂
Melissa says
I found a really great thing for whinning! If my daughter says something in a whinny voice I tell her that she is whinning and that is not allowd, then I tell her to say it with a smile. Did you know that if you have to smile while talking everything sounds happy? It works great!!
Kim Sorgius says
This is a great idea. I just heard a speaker say the same thing this weekend. Except she makes her kids smile for 30 seconds anytime they have any type of bad attitude. Such a great idea!
Emily says
This may just become the first blog I actually subscribe to and follow! Thank you for your ideas and your encouragement!
Kim Sorgius says
What a sweet thing to say! I am so honored that my ideas were encouraging to you. Blessings, friend.
Erin says
Thank you so much for this! I try to stay on top of where my child’s behavior should be based on age and tons of reading but like you said every child is different! I feel so lost most days and my almost 3 yr old has picked up some bad behavior from being 2 and great I suppose. There are some great ideas here and I hope I have the patience to implement them.
Lemae allen says
thank you for this post. I have a almost 4 year old and almost 2 year old and due with baby #3 in 9 days and it seems like lately my kids have been extra hard to handle . I love that you always go back to love and god.
Renee says
thank you so much for this 🙂 i am…tired! I have a just turned 1 and just turned 3 year old. they are like night and day in personality but i really think this will apply to both. my first born was SO easy to discipline/teach – she very much wants to please and has a very laid back temperment despite her perfectionistic ways. my second born…has thrown me for a loop! she is SO quick tempered and very fiesty. i don’t remember saying no so much in my life 🙁 i’m going to try just letting her have her tantrums on the floor next time according to this. What do you do if you are in the library and she does this though?! i never had to do any of this with my first – i told her no once and she obeyed immedieatly – this one gets told know and immediately does it again! She really is just a complete joy and SO sweet but i am so tired from it!
Kim Sorgius says
Sweet friend, take heart. These days really are short and you won’t be this tired forever!
My 4 children are so different that it’s hard to believe that they have the same mom! I can relate totally to that. And my child who tests the waters the most is the child who is the most loving. 🙂
As for the library- bring in a stroller. If things get out of hand, she goes in the stroller. Actually, I didn’t let my youngest out of the stroller at the library until he was almost 2. That way I could control what he had from the shelf.
When I am in public, I would just scoop the child up and leave until they were under control. Then I return back to the activity that needed to be done. I never cut my time short because of their behavior. They have to pay for that time. And if that time cuts into play time or fun time, that is a consequence that they face for throwing a tantrum. The more you work on this at home, the less likely you are to have an episode in public. BUT, remember every mom experiences this and if they are judgmental about it- oh well. Don’t take it personally. Don’t be embarrassed. It’s simply part of raising kids. Sometimes, they lose it. (hmm…sometimes, so do I!)
Mary says
Be careful about putting a child in a high chair in another room. They are not to be left alone in a high chair unless you have full view, even then you might be too far away. I like your article. Don’t know about not giving them choices – I grew up not being taught how to make choices and I was not confident of myself. Giving a toddler a choice between 2 outfits or 2 flavored popsicles helps them learn to make choices and gives them confidence. We are the ones to help them toward independence and making choices is important toward that end. Plus you learn things about their likes and dislikes. Thank you for your article – so needed!!
Cryscobabe87 says
agreed on the choice thing. that threw me for a loop because everything I was taught in school and the books I read is to give them choices within the boundaries of what you find acceptable, like choosing two outfits and then allowing them to make the final decision. Giving choices allows children to feel more in control and a lot of behavior is linked to feeling out of control. If we can give them control in the little things then it is eaiser to allow them to give you control for the bigger things. Or so the theory goes. Sometimes I think it just makes my 3 year old think she is in charge.
Carrie@LifeRegardless says
On the choices thing, some things our toddlers get to make a choice, and other things, they don’t. “That’s not a choice.” & “You get what you get, and you don’t throw a fit.” are often heard out our house.
Jenn says
There are indeed times for choices, and not times for choices. I do find that my toddler is happier and more engaged when he gets to make choices, but they are minor choices like “which car seat do you want to sit in?” or “which shoes do you want to wear?” I more often phrase things like “Please climb into the seat you want to sit in” or “Please bring me the shoes you want to wear” so that each statement is action driven and his obedience gets us one step closer leaving or driving away. 🙂
Even when there aren’t any options, like what is served for dinner, he has choices. If he wants seconds of something, he needs to finish what he’s been served first (my kids would eat only the starch portion of the meal if I let them!) before he can have more of what he’d like. His choices are eating the undesirable food and getting more of the desirable one, OR asking to be excused and putting his fork in the sink so he can go play (he’s our oldest and he’s only 2.5, so we’re not at the “stay in your seat until everyone is finished stage). And for bedtime, when we have the most struggle, he can choose to yell and complain about cleaning up his toys, pajamas, etc, and then miss out on reading stories that night, OR he can go through the bedtime routine without yelling or whining and get to pick stories. Following through can be so tough, but it’s worth it.
Nikki says
I am having a particularly hard time with my four year old. I have a 7 year old and a 5 month old, and my 4 yr old son is driving me insane…His whining and crying have been rewarded in the past, and he is just beyone control. His new thing is that he is scared. He is scared to go to the bathroom alone, he is scared to go to a room alone…etc. My 7 year old was never like this, I wonder how much of it is a ploy, but even when he has been spanked, he just turns his head and defiantly says “that didn’t hurt”…I’m at a loss…
Kim Sorgius says
Hi Nikki,
The beauty of having kids is that they keep us guessing, don’t they?
I will suggest two things that have worked for me, but keep in mind- you might have to keep searching for what works for your son. As far as the fear thing, I pray with my kids over fear. Not just a little- God is bigger than the boogie man kind of prayer, but I proclaim scripture over them that God hasn’t given them a spirit of fear. Then, I tell them that I will continue praying for them as they walk into that bathroom (or garage, as is the case in my home.) It doesn’t take long for them to figure out that it’s a lot faster to just go in and get what they need than to involve me and my prayers. haha. This way, I know that I have honestly addressed their fears and helped them overcome, but also I have attempted to fix any excuses for not doing something because of fear.
As far as spanking goes, if your child says it doesn’t hurt- stop spanking. I honestly think that there are plenty of other options that are effective.Usually isolation works with a child like this. And honestly, if they are misbehaving, they don’t get the freedom of the company of the rest of the family. You know? No one wants to be around a child who is making their time miserable.
Hope this helps!
Mandy Rice520 says
If I may, and not that i have any real, amazing, personal experience with it, but the thing that occurred to me when I read your comment is that maybe there’s a part of the 4 year old that makes him feel he’s not getting the individual attention he needs. An older sibling and a new(ish) baby in the picture might make him feel that he needs to act out more. Especially being/acting scared. Fear is an emotion that usually invokes comfort and snuggles and reassurance. I’m not trying to imply that you aren’t doing enough, though. Three kids is hard and I’m sure you are a wonderful and loving mother and you’re asking for help which goes to show that you are trying and care immensely about your kids. I’d suggest considering giving him some one-on-one mom time once a week or whatever works in your schedule. Even if it’s just giving him 30 minutes of sitting on your lap in a rocking chair and listening to him tell you about everything in his world that he wants to share with you…
If you’re religious, this is the prime time to teach him to pray on his own when he’s scared. If you put forth the effort now, he’ll learn to turn to God for peace and it’ll be a lesson he goes back to the rest of his life. Especially teaching him that God answers our prayers is a HUGE deal. I do know it is insanely difficult to have patience all the time, but I have learned that there are reasons kids act out the ways they do. Whether or not we see those reasons as valid or even understand them, those reasons make sense in their heads. I feel that it’s our job as parents to help them figure out how to handle the emotions they feel. It’s not wrong to feel angry or upset. It is, however, wrong to throw a fit or hurt someone else. You know? Give him permission to feel whatever he’s going to feel and teach him how to channel it or where to turn for comfort or peace and how to properly express that emotion. Anyway…
Keep up the good work, Nikki! You clearly love your children. Chin up and good luck to you!
Sara Cauble says
Thank you! I am a first time mom of twin 20 month old toddlers who are asserting their trantrum throwing abilities. I have cried every day this week, as I am also pregnant with our third child (currently in my third trimester). My survival skills are at their all time worst and I find myself scraping the bottom of my mental “barrel” for ideas, guidence, etc on how to handle the double toddler trouble. Your article greatly encouraged me and gave me hope that 1. I’m not alone! 2. It is doable. Thanks again 🙂
Laura Smitha says
I am a 47yr old grandmother who is raising 3 of her grandchildren alone. they are all boys ages 5, 3, and 2yrs. I have raised 5 of my own children and dont recall them acting as bad as these 3 act. maybe I’m just old and used up all of my patience on my last 3 during the teen yrs. I almost lost my mind when they first came to live with me. it was very overwhelming. I cried almost everyday they wouldnt obey even the simplest command. they are so out of control I thought about several times. turning them over to foster care because, I couldnt keep up with them. I injured my knee several yrs ago and walk with a cane. so chasing small children is quite a chore as I am in pain most days. They have been with me for 2yrs now and things are some better, but I still have a lot of trouble getting the youngest 2 boys to follow my directions. the 3yr old hits and torments the dog no matter how many times or ways I discipline him. and the 2yr old will not stay out of things the water, anything he can reach that he shouldnt, is what he most wants. these children were neglected and crave attention from me constantly. The things I need help with most is I can not get them to stop running jumping and wrestling in the house.I have tried the corner, sitting alone ( but i almost have to sit on them to make them do either of those) I have tried spanking taking away treats. I am at a loss as what to do to get these boys to comply. and I feel so stupid because I have already raised a family. I should be able to handle this. please any suggestions would be appreicated.
Kim Sorgius says
Laura, my first suggestion would be structure. MAJOR structure. Boys this age don’t need to be running around with “free play” all day.
Have you tried a schedule?
James says
I saw this on pinterest and happened to have a particularly hard day with my one toddler child. Thank you for your advice and encouraging words. Reading the article was just what I needed today.
Juliet says
Just found your blog through Pinterest. Thank you so much for this article! I have 2 boys 16 months apart (2yo & 10mo). This is so helpful to hear, can’t wait to read more of your posts!
Adela says
I am almost in tears from finding your post via Pinterest. My children are 20 months apart, 3 and 16 months. And I am exhausted. Our 3 year old especially has recently become very defiant. I have been struggling over the use of time outs or spankings, but also don’t always know what else to do. Thank you so much for your wise insight. I can not wait to try some of these other ideas.
Tammy says
Found your blog from Pinterest as well. What an encouraging article. I pretty much welled up at “You can not mess him up, because God’s love for him fills the gaps of your failures.” Some days are hard!!
Natalie says
I have to say, I’m in the thick of potty training my 2 year-old, and he hates getting his activities interrupted to go. He started throwing such massive fits about going, that I gave up for awhile and went back to diapers. We’re trying again and doing fairly well, though he still whines and cries sometimes about it. Here’s the kicker…giving him the choice of going in his little potty or the big potty was a game changer! Either way, the choice was to get on a pot, but then it made it seem like it was more him and less me forcing him to go. Make sense? That’s a time of giving choices that worked well for me!
He’s can be a really big whiner, but making him go to his room and sit on his bed helps a lot! I’ll say, “That’s not a nice sound, nobody wants to hear that. Go to your room until you’re all done crying and whining.” Then he’ll call to me from his bedroom and say, “Yes ma’am, mommy! All done cryin’!” 🙂
Christina says
These tips are great! I’ve been dealing with the overwhelming situation of my sons dad just now stepping back into the picture with our 2 year old (well 2 in 1 month) and he was gone for about a year. i stress about the time my son is with him and im not there with them. its a hard situation for me to handle since i was doing EVERYTHING for the last year, and now i want to “instruct” him on everything i had to figure out on my own. but man, its like he doesnt even listen to these “helpful” sidenotes…… :/ any advice?
Jenn says
If I was in this situation, I think I would ask my son’s father to attend family counseling with me! It sounds like even though you aren’t living as a family, if you find a certified counselor who has experience with situations like yours, you can get both mom and dad on the same page of parenting. In this way, you can set up some boundaries for yourself and your son, and it will hopefully be less stressful for you!
Beth says
I really enjoyed this article & found it very practical. I have five children ages 15, 5, 4, 3 & 2… yes, that is a teenager & 4 children young children! I was raised with seven siblings & wanted a large family of my own. I feel very blessed to have each of my children! However, I definately feel like I am in over my head some days! It is true that each child is competely diffrent & I really take to heart your advice to have grace. I’ve realized that “this too shall pass” is the most accurate thing ever said… whatever is going on with my children, good or bad, is temporary. I try to to keep that mind so I will truely enjoy he sweet things & have patience through the difficult things. Thank you again for your article!
Jessalyn says
This blog was sent by God as I literally wept while reading this. I have a 2 1/2 yr old boy who has been extremely difficult lately and I feel like the worst mommy! It seems like nothing has been working lately and he has been hitting me at night after I read him his stories… I’m not sure where the anger is coming from. What are your thoughts on getting him to stop hitting me? But you have given me so many great ideas and assurances that I will not mess him up. It’s good to hear from so many moms also that it seems like a lot of kids really start becoming super defiant around the 2-3 yrs stage because I know I’m not alone. I can’t wait to try to put all these things into practice and thank you so much for allowing God to use you! 🙂
Kim Sorgius says
I would not allow him to hit you. Simply say to him- I can not allow you to harm me, therefore you are losing the freedom of being with me and place him in the crib, bed, etc. Never hit back. I don’t think that solves the problem.
Lindsay says
I really love your concept of “high chair time” and “room time.” Sure wish I had done that with my son (who just turned 2 a few months ago) rather than have him underfoot 24/7 and subsequently live in frustration that I never have an uninterrupted moment. Live and learn!
I’d like to respectfully disagree with your rule not to give choices. I agree with not offering choices you can’t live with (like, “Want to go to bed?” is just asking for trouble), but giving my son a little bit of say in the things we do has worked wonders. He is very verbal and very independent. Giving him limited choices has been the single best thing at getting his cooperation and having him feel the sense of control and independence he craves. For example: He HATES having his diaper changed and brushing his teeth. So this is what we do: For the diaper change, he chooses where he gets to lay down. If he’s clearly very engrossed in a task, I ask if he wants to change it now or in 1 minute. It still gets the job done quickly but lets him feel like his feelings matter. For brushing his teeth, we have two different colored toothbrushes and he chooses which one to use. Also, as a natural consequence, if he holds still and lets us do some good brushing, he gets a turn when we’re done. If he doesn’t, we have to hold him down and he does not get a turn. He REALLY hates that but it has worked like a charm, and we rarely if ever have issues anymore.
Also, I just can’t say enough how learning what motivates my son and understanding his personality and abilities have improved our lives. We can more easily set rules, adjust our expectations, and nurture him in ways that resonate and get results. It just speaks to the fact that every child is different, and all methods should be adjusted to best suit parents and children. Most of the children I know who are my son’s age would not be able to handle the kind of choices we give him, so I’m glad we took a chance and implemented some of our methods even though the books say he’s too young for them. Children can surprise you with their capabilities sometimes.
Anyway, I’ve gotten carried away. Just one more thing: I discovered your blog today and am so happy I did. I am of a different Christian faith but I’m learning so much from you. Your perspective on God’s love and parenting are so powerful and wonderful reminders of the “grand scheme” of things and just how spiritually vital our roles as mothers are. Thank you for sharing with us!
Caitlin says
I just came to this through Pinterest. I love this post. Good thoughts and reminders. There’s only one thing I would disagree with and that’s putting your child in the high chair or crib as punishment. I understand some kids may need the restraint but many kids will sit in a designated time out spot. Confining a kid to a crib or high chair as punishment sets them up to resent and resist these places when they are necessary for eating or sleeping. Maybe if you had a pack n play you didn’t need for anything else. I only have one toddler myself right now but spent over 5 years working in childcare. I saw it happen when the high chair was used for punishment. Just a word of warning!
Jenn says
I thought this, too, and never expected to put my son in his crib for a time out, but he calms down so quickly in the safety of his own bed! He is always in control of when he leaves time out; after the first minute, we ask him every 30 sec-1 min if he’s ready to do the correct behavior, and he always does it without an attitude when he’s ready. I also used to work at a daycare, and I can see this not working as well where the child didn’t feel safe or even familiar in time out.
Chelsey says
Thank you for this. My two boys are 15 months apart. I thought it was hard when the second one was born, but honestly this stage right now is the toughest – the older one will be 3 in a couple weeks and the younger one is 20 months. I know John Rosemond says that he considers “the terrible twos” to be between 18-36 months, and I’ve got TWO in that phase right now. It is tough.
We do have a structured day in terms of getting up, naps, going to bed, meals, etc. They are good sleepers, so that is a blessing! It’s the time when they are awake that is SO SO SO hard, mostly my 20 month old. It’s really tough right now to find activities to do with them because the 20 month old is in destructo-mode. I did roomtime with my older son and it was amazing, but we stopped doing it at a certain point and I never did it with my 20 month old.
This post just confirmed that I definitely need to put the 20 month old in roomtime. It’s hard because of the way our house is set up, but we need to find a way to do it. It’s hard to balance having one-on-one time with each of them.