21 Consequences for Kids That Really Work
Ideas from the experts and the trenches, these creative consequences for kids will mean you’re never disappointed with the age-old “time-out” again.
After 13+ years of parenting, teaching 100’s of public school children, and reading more books than I can count, I feel confident in one thing. This parenting thing is HARD, ya’ll. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer for our parenting questions. I really thought there was. I believed the formula was the answer.
If you do these steps, your kid will turn out like “this.” You’ve probably heard some of these too…
If you, put them on a schedule…they will sleep through the night at 3 months.
If you are consistent in your training…they will obey the first time you ask.
If you conduct a potty boot camp…they will potty train in less than 3 days.
I have come to realize just how laughable this really is. There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of the above ideas. In fact, most of them have worked for me at least with some of my kids, some of the time. The trouble lies in our demanding that they work in all situations. And if we do that, we are ignoring the fact that children are humans. Natural born, flesh-filled, sinners (Romans 6:23). Even the best of us are prone to give in to momentary pleasures, throwing caution to the wind. Bottom line, there isn’t one consequence for kids that works every time.
So are we hopeless in the quest for getting our kids to do what we ask? Must we throw in the towel on respect and obedience?
Absolutely NOT!
But we might need to change up a few traditional practices if we want to see a change in our kids. We are going to need to get CREATIVE! Hopefully, you’ve figured out by now that kids are different. All of them. Between my four children and the numerous other children I have taught, I have seen everything from perfectionist to uninterested, compliant to defiant, thoughtful to manipulative, and calm to active. The list goes on and on and I certainly haven’t seen it all.
I need unique consequences for each of my kids and each situation will need some creativity. So let’s look at some creative ways to get to the heart of the matter and spur them towards that respect and obedience we so greatly desire as parents.
Table of Contents
Start with obedience
Before we can even get to the business of giving consequences for kids for wrong behavior, we need to set the stage for obedience. Our kids need to know exactly what is expected of them and why. They also need to understand the importance of obedience, consequences of disobedience, and how/why we have authority over them to begin with. With little ones, this knowledge can wait, but if your child is over the age of 5, it’s time to make sure he/she understand these things before giving out consequences.
If this isn’t something you’ve done with your kids, click on the image below for tips and ideas to get the conversation started.
Create simple rules
Rules should be few and simple. You can’t create a constitution full of detailed circumstances because your kids will indeed come up with a new behavior not covered. Instead, make 1-3 simple rules that encompass the atmosphere you want to create for your family.
They can’t be too difficult to remember or too vague that they include loopholes. For a long time, my rule was simply LOVE. Quite some time ago, my friend Lara introduced me to her version of this concept…Love Up and Love Out. First, we love God and serve Him. Second, we love others through our love for God. I’ve used that saying ever since. After all, love covers a multitude of sins and this rule really does covers every offense in my home.
I might ask: How are you showing love in this situation? Is there something that you could do to be more loving? When you didn’t pick up that shoe on the stairs, do you think you showed love and concern for the well-being of your family who might trip over it?
The Bible says that the greatest commandment is love. Teaching our kids to put this at the foundation of their choices reinforces this truth and it helps kids to understand the importance of obedience.
Get creative with your consequences for kids
As much as possible, I avoid terms like “time-out” and “restriction.” For the most part, I have found that a blanket consequence for kids is ineffective in molding hearts and changing behavior. This is where natural and logical consequences come in.
A natural consequence will be administered without mom’s help. For example, a child runs on the sidewalk, trips, and skins his knee. Natural consequence. Ouch.
A logical consequence for kids is closely related to the offense and is aimed at teaching responsibility for your actions. This consequence is administered by a calm and collected adult wishing to help children make wise choices. They aren’t one size fits all and don’t even need to be the same every single time. The idea is to find something that hurts enough to change the behavior, leaving a related memory for next time the child considers doing the same thing. For example, if you take away a party with friends because a child leaves his bike in the snow, it’s not directly related and may not be effective. If you take away the bike- now we’re talking.
Whenever possible, I include scripture with consequences, but don’t beat yourself up about this and don’t preach a sermon either. I find that the best faith-based discussions are done when kids are not in the thick of trouble. In the moment they are focused on the consequence, guilt, and pain. If you lecture, kids might get defensive and it will be wasted. Save it for a time when there is no conflict.
Before you give consequences to kids
It’s vital that we evaluate the situation objectively before giving our kids consequences. The more level-headed we can be, the more impact it will have on their hearts. I ask my self 4 questions before giving a consequence. In the video above, I detail these questions. Here is a short summary.
—> Is this a sin against God’s law or an inconvenience for me?
—> Is this foolishness or childishness?
—> Do I desire to look good right now?
—> Have I given my kids the grace I expect to be given to me?
If we honestly evaluate those questions and still feel the child needs a consequence, it’s pretty safe to say that it’s not being given in irrational anger. Again, watch the video above for a detailed look at what each question means.
Creative consequences for kids
If you can’t find your shoes, mom will help you find them, but there will be a finder’s fee.
If you can not behave kindly toward your family, mom will assume that you need some time to think about it and send you to another room to sit (usually the bed).
If you fight with your sibling, I will assume you have nothing better to do and give you a chore.
After you are sent into a room to clean up, I come behind and take the items that were left out. I assume that you no longer want these items and place them in “toy time out” for a week. (Mom could also donate the items, if this is a chronic problem.)
If you are tipping your chair back, I will assume that it is unsafe for you to use it and you will stand for the remainder of dinner.
If you do not have good table manners, you will be asked to dine elsewhere.
If you are too loud, whiny, or speaking unkindly, you will lose the freedom to speak. (Works really well in the car, too.)
If you can’t get ready for an activity on time, I will deduct that amount of time from the activity once we get there. (Remember not to punish mom or the siblings because of one child’s negligence.)
A few creative consequences for kids from my friends...
If they play around instead of getting ready for bed, we don’t have time for stories. ~Christy
The kids weren’t diligent to do their schoolwork today so there wasn’t time to go to the library. ~Debby
Somebody ate his treat without permission so he did not get his treat later when everyone else was eating theirs. ~Julie
If teachers offer incentives for extra work or even situations like AWANA, I don’t nag them…I let them feel what it’s like not to get the reward or fun prize. ~Tiana
You splash water out of the tub, you wipe it up (works for any mess). ~Leslie
If you don’t eat what mama cooks you’re gonna be hungry! ~Amy
The rule is: We pay for half your car. We own the bottom half. If you’re being irresponsible, our half (the one with the wheels) stays home, in the driveway. ~Pam
We’ve set a “start-getting-for-bed time” and a “lights-out-time.” If they get ready fast, they can use the remainder to read. If they play around getting ready for bed, they can’t… the lights out time doesn’t change. ~Josh
I also don’t cap markers that were left uncapped. Dried out markers are no fun. ~Leslie
A few ideas from Creative Correction by Lisa Whelchel…
About an hour before bed, have a whole house “clean sweep.” Set the timer for 15 minutes. For each item left out after the timer goes off, the kids go to bed 5 minutes earlier.
If you have forgotten to put away an item and it has been confiscated, you can buy it back for $1.00.
If a chore is not done diligently, have your child practice doing it over and over again. She will learn more from sweeping the floor 3-4 times because her first effort wasn’t done well.
If siblings can’t stop fighting, have them go the whole next day without the pleasure of each other’s company. They can’t talk, eat, play, or do school in the same room.
Creative consequences for kids printable
We’ve created a free printable to make it easier to think of consequences when you need them. Hang this free printable on your fridge or inside a cabinet as a quick reminder when you need it or as inspiration for other ideas.
To get your FREE creative consequences printable, enter your information below.
Further help with consequences for kids
God is always just. There will be a consequence. Even if it never becomes obvious to us. Teaching your children that lesson now reaps great benefits both spiritually and physically. If you heard anything at all in this post, I hope you heard that parenting is not a one-size-fits-all activity. Some of these ideas might not work. Some great ideas were not even listed here. And most importantly, no one is speaking badly about any parenting ideas. Here in the trenches, we need all the help we can get.
Mom, you rock. You are loved and treasured even with peanut butter in your hair. Keep doing this thing.
Need help thinking of a consequence for kids when you are mad? Read How to think of a Better Consequence When You are Mad
Need toddler ideas? Read Parenting the Toddler Years.
Get more obedience tips here —→ How to help kids obey
If you’d like to lead your child through a Bible study on obedience, I wrote Obey to help us as parents teach our kids the how and the why behind obedience. I pray it blesses you in your parenting journey!
More posts about obedience
- Pointing a Rebellious Child to God
- Is Kid’s Time Out Effective
- 5 Tips for Your Disobedient Child
- Teaching Your Child the Importance of Obedience
- How to Get Your Kids to Stay in Bed
- How to Teach Your Kids to Stop Interrupting
- When Your Child Embarrasses You in Public
- 3 Christian Discipline Questions to Ask Your Kids
- How to Limit Screentime and Get Your Kids to Obey
- How to Get Your Kids to Listen
Through practical tools & Bible-based resources, Kim Sorgius is dedicated to helping your family GROW in faith so you can be Not Consumed by life’s struggles. Author of popular kid’s devotional Bible studies and practical homeschooling tools, Kim has a master’s degree in education and curriculum design coupled with over 2 decades of experience working with kids and teens. Above all, her most treasured job is mother and homeschool teacher of four amazing kiddos.
so we agree to disagree … i meant consequence in the acutal sense of the latin word – what follows – and what follows always and not depended on who judges an action for example . it is a bridge i made for myself to distinguish between what happens and how i judge and react to things – knowing where my reaction starts and up to what point things cannot be influenced helps me keep a clear head in the education of my young ones.
Keeping my hand over the mouth of my child still is not acceptable to me and I learned to respect others not above myself but on the same level as myself and I will teach my young ones like I was taught.
you would not do it my way and I would not do it your way ….
reading your posts gives me ideas and even when I do not agree, it gets me thinking and I re-evaluate how I see things and for this I thank you …
.
To clarify…I do not keep my hand on my children’s mouths. IF they are having a hard time controlling their speech, I ask them to put their hand on their mouth…as a reminder that they need to gain control over words that hurt others or may harm themselves.
ok – still I feel that FOR ME this is not the way to do it and if it is with words or with hands we can hurt out children both ways and (again FOR ME) this is hurtful.
maybe you will think on some of my words and learn something as i did reading yours and thinking about them. what you take out of it – whether it is confirmation of your opinion or a new perspective on some of the things you do – either way works.
being a mom is a journey and we all learn along the road – from our kids – from seeing other families and their way of dealing with things – from what we read or are told … none of us have all the answers and as longs as we re-examine our ways from time to time, we will all do better over the years
I think we need to respect our children as the person that they are, we need to trust in them and teach them to trust themselves – we need to teach them to respect themselves as from this they will learn to respect others as well.
i wish you joy with your children and hopefully you and I both learned a bit more again by hearing someone elses point of view. I thank you for your answers and hope that mine held some points of interest to you.
take care
Really like the suggestions. In our home, we let kids work things out. On the sermon on the mount, Jesus said blessed are the peaceMAKERS…not peaceKEEPERS. Peacekeepers confuse safety & security with peace, ie they fold when a wrong is committed for fear of rocking the boat. Dietrich Bonhoeffer said “There is no way to peace along the way to safety. For peace must be dared.” People who KEEP the peace never resolve anything and end up being trampled on–and years later may be bitter about things. There is no peace in that. People who MAKE the peace root out the cancer and are truly content. I allow my kids to argue if they are civil. If hitting, name calling or whining or any permutation develops, I tell them they are getting off track and make a suggestion. If they change course, great. If not, they both face consequences because whoever instigated or provoked was not the only person involved. It takes 2 to tango. Here’s praying the peace that transcends all understanding will guard their hearts and minds as it does mine..
Thank you for this. It was very helpful to read, even for myself. I often think of myself as a peacemaker, but think I am really a peacekeeper which often does not create peace for anyone, especially me. I think my eldest daughter is the same and it is not good for her either.
How on earth do you *enforce* ‘losing the freedom to speak’ when a child is whining or using unkind words? ESPECIALLY in a car when you can’t even get eye contact with them???
If you choose to sass or interrupt you can hold your tongue…literally!
If you touch something in a store I will assume you don’t know what you can do with your hands so you can either place them on your head or clap for me every time I put something in the cart.
I lend a bubble to each of my kids when I want them to be quiet. They place it in their mouth for safe keeping and if they open their mouth it floats away. If they can return my bubble then I don’t need to “buy” a new one and they get a bubble babysitters fee (usually $0.25 – $1.00 depending on length of time). No bubble no money
I don’t think the last one would work very well, just because opening your mouth is a thing people have to do, whether it is to cough, sneeze, yawn, burp and breath (if nose is stuffed up). Even if the parent says “those things don’t count”, the other children will find excuses to open their mouths and say, “I didn’t lose my bubble! I was just doing so and so.” and if you say “only talking makes the bubble go away” the kids will find more loopholes such as whispering, yelling, etc.
Thank you for posting this!
We have three 3 year olds (yep), and I’m a SAHM. Time out really isn’t working. It’s not teaching our children not to do it again. We started taking away privileges (or as they say pwiblage). I try to come up with one thing to loose (or sometimes many) that won’t take away from their health or learning.
Today’s privilege was a juice box at snack when they woke from nap—AS LONG AS they were quiet and not disturbing anyone during nap. If you have to be talked too during nap time, you will have to drink water when everyone has juice.
Others I take away are specific centers in the classroom- This actually works out well because sometimes they do the same thing every day and this encourages them to try new things.
Story at bed (you will sit in the hallway while I read to the others).
Pumping your own lotion after bath- I KNOW easy stuff!
What would you do for a consequence if your child is being disruptive in church? I have a 4 year old that has not mastered listening to mom and dad in church.
That’s a hard one. 4 is a pretty young age to ask to be completely quite for a church service. My first suggestion would be to practice church at home. Have the child sit like you do in church with a timer, working your way up until he/she can sit for longer periods of time quietly. At home practice is probably your only option at this age!
Ideas please….my son has been leaving his multiplication flashcards at school and I am thinking he is doing so intentionally. He knows he is supposed to be bringing them home. I need some ideas for consequences for such a time as this. Any suggestions?
How does he get home from school?
I can cut thru all this book, experts, and parenting crap.
Rule 1. Lead by example, dont tell your kid something is wrong and then go do it.
Rule 2. If you have to hide it, its wrong.
Rule 3. Let the punishment fit the crime.
Rule 4. Whip their but when they are bad, pat their head when they are good.
Rule 5. Tell them what is expected of them, and then make them fallow.
I have fallowed these rules and others, and have 3 happy, healthly, well adjusted children.
I agree with all except whip their butt. My kids are now 5 and up and honestly, whipping butt only seems to work when they are small. As they get older, they become more angry and defiant and then you have to whip their butt harder and more often.
I am successfully getting out of this rut and learning to use logical consequences and my son’s behaviour is drastically improving. I’m also waking him up in the morning with a 5 min cuddle and setting the oven timer for one minute when he doesn’t want to leave to go to school, so he can “hug his blanky” or say good bye to his stuffed animal.
Before bed, when my son gets aggressive, I tickle him and help him get it all out. If he hits me, then I do set limits and tell him that he has to earn his ability to play with his tablet if he’s a good boy during bedtime. It works.
I feel better as a mom now.
Love these ideas! To add one more: When my son slams his bedroom door dad comes and takes the door off the hinges and he loses the door for a few days. It’s kinda a pain and a lot of work for dad but he doesn’t slam his door anymore!
I have enjoyed reading all of the suggestions in this post! Any great ideas to get a 5 year old boy to properly brudh his teeth? I must supwrvise every time or he is highly distracted.
Brushing teeth isn’t an easy one. 🙂 Of course, the dentist says that you should supervise this until age 8. Even at age 10, my daughter needs reminders about brushing her teeth. I think the best thing to do is to have a regular routine that includes this task. Then purchase an electric toothbrush with a built in timer. Not the cheap kind. Go all out and buy a Sonicare. It would be a great Christmas gift and will greatly improve his hygiene.
Does anyone have any good ideas on a consequence for not doing homework or turning in homework at school? My husband and I have tried everything to get our 5th grade boy to get his school work done. He constantly tells us that he did all his work at school and then his teacher will email us after we are at home and let us know that the majority of his work was not turned in. we have been into talk with teachers, taken his things away, taken play time away. Nothing seems to get through to him. I like the idea of creative consequences but am having a hard time figuring out one that will fix this problem. Thanks for any ideas.
I have that same problem out of my 4th grader and I’ve taken extra curricular activities away from him bc if he doesn’t have time for HW, then he doesn’t have time for the fun stuff.
If he does not do his homework from school, then he has to do YOUR homework at home. Find out a little about what he is learning from his teachers, then go online and find a bunch of difficult work pages. Tell him that he will spend a certain amount of time doing homework every day, no matter if he brings his homework home or not. So if he shows up empty handed, he gets to work on your homework. If he shows up with school homework, then he works on that. Make sure that the homework that you provide is hard enough/boring enough that he prefers to do the school homework to yours.
Forgetting to turn in homework can be a legitimate problem for kids. I started putting a bandaid on my son’s hand as a physical reminder, and told him he could not take it off until the homework was turned in. It never fails!
Love this when I was working within a nursery setting I did these natural consequences with the children, but since having my own I have struggled with how I would have consequences for him but since reading this it’s all come flooding back. I have a question my little boy who is two and half has got into smacking me around the face the consequence we have at the moment is no treats or pudding is there anything else I can do to stop this ?
Have you tried stopping him? Grab his hands when he attempts to slap you. If that doesn’t work on it’s own. I would squeeze his hand and say, “no, that hurts mommy.”
I didn’t even make it all of the way down the List, before I had to scroll down to let you know that I love love you. Please come parent my children. Just kidding, but these are some genuinely awesome concepts. I needed this so bad right now, as we work through adjustment to a new baby. My older three kids have been acting way out of character and I have been at a complete loss on how to proceed. This article not only helps me with that, but is a better approach to what I’ve been doing all along. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Natural consequences are great. It is the way the world works.
Do you have a suggestion for a tween that doesn’t bathe after he said he would? He was given a choice; personal hygiene has been on and off issue for years. While a natural consequence could be that people might not want to be around him, if he were smelly, I find I am even more concerned about him keeping his word. It makes it hard for me to believe what he says.
I am a step mom.
What do you do when the child doesn’t complete the consequence? For example, you say to take the chair away from them when they keep tipping the chair back. What do you do when they scream, whine, cry, or sit on the floor when the consequence is given? I find I am not disciplining the disobedience of accepting the consequence and they forget what the first consequence is for……anyone, any help would be lovely!!
I very calmly and sweetly pick them up and help them. 🙂
You said for loudness and whining the child should lose the priviledge of talking. What do you do if the child continues to talk and/or whine?
It would depend on how old they are. Usually, I have them put their hand over their mouth as a reminder. If they can’t obey, they might need some time alone to consider the cost of their lack of self control.
Found this through pinterest and realize I’m late to the game here – but I have a 4 year old who has days where he refuses to get dressed in the mornings before we take our older daughter to school. He’s being silly and rolling around on his bed and not listening. He loves to be the first one to get dressed, so when he’s acting like this, my natural instinct is to go help my daughter get dressed and then he can deal with the fact that he chose to not to and he’s not first. However, this causes a complete and utter meltdown and I cannot get him out the door to take her to school. There’s no activity he can miss out on because him being like this makes her late.
My mom one time told my sister that she’d just have to go in her jammies and took her to school like that. She was so embarrassed she didn’t do it again. The other thing she did was a donut run. My mom was a single working mother of 2 small girls, one of whom enjoyed dwadling. She would announce that if we were dressed and in the car in 5 minutes we’d go for donuts. If we weren’t, then she’d go without us. It worked.
I wholeheartedly agree, however, my problem is having the kids not follow the consequence. Needing to go sit alone, but go kicking and screaming, and refusing to stay. Using unkind words, or hitting each other, yet keeping 4 kids separate when they recover from the hurt 10 minutes later and want a playmate again, is near impossible. Or when my destructive child has no money to pay for the things she’s broken.
How do you enforce a consequence gently when they dig their heels in and are 8 or older?
I think I probably need a whole post to answer this. But the short answer is, to focus heavily on their heart. I talk about that some here: https://www.notconsumed.com/2014/08/26/pointing-a-defiant-child-to-god/
I have a very strong willed 5 year old. We just had our 3rd child about 2 months ago. The 5 yr old has started to act out. Especially in preschool. One way is she has resorted to biting. I am trying to come up with creative consequences that match the crime. Biting her will not do. So any ideas? I am hung up on this one behavior.
I love these! I try to use logical consequences as much as possible (and I’m not above pointing out a natural consequence once a child has stopped crying).
I use the “you made the mess, you clean it up” one in my classroom every day. I rarely help my students clean up, and they are pretty good at it now. Last year I taught them the rule “big mess, little time to play, little mess, big time to play”. After about a week of enforcing this and making a point of when they got a lot or a little time to play, we hardly ever had huge toy messes anymore! (my kids stay in my classroom for almost an hour after class gets out, so free play is the name of the game). I didn’t nag them about the mess, just reminded them of the consequence every day and they made their own choice. It was awesome to see!
Have you since done a post on using scripture with consequences? I am in great need of doing this! 😉
No, I haven’t yet, but it is coming in March. 🙂
What is a consequence for hurting your baby brother? Or hurting any sibling? We have ages 6, 5, 4, 2.5, and 15 months. Thanks
I would consider having them do that sibling’s chore. If it’s the baby, have them do a chore to help with the baby.