21 Consequences for Kids That Really Work
Ideas from the experts and the trenches, these creative consequences for kids will mean you’re never disappointed with the age-old “time-out” again.
After 13+ years of parenting, teaching 100’s of public school children, and reading more books than I can count, I feel confident in one thing. This parenting thing is HARD, ya’ll. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer for our parenting questions. I really thought there was. I believed the formula was the answer.
If you do these steps, your kid will turn out like “this.” You’ve probably heard some of these too…
If you, put them on a schedule…they will sleep through the night at 3 months.
If you are consistent in your training…they will obey the first time you ask.
If you conduct a potty boot camp…they will potty train in less than 3 days.
I have come to realize just how laughable this really is. There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of the above ideas. In fact, most of them have worked for me at least with some of my kids, some of the time. The trouble lies in our demanding that they work in all situations. And if we do that, we are ignoring the fact that children are humans. Natural born, flesh-filled, sinners (Romans 6:23). Even the best of us are prone to give in to momentary pleasures, throwing caution to the wind. Bottom line, there isn’t one consequence for kids that works every time.
So are we hopeless in the quest for getting our kids to do what we ask? Must we throw in the towel on respect and obedience?
Absolutely NOT!
But we might need to change up a few traditional practices if we want to see a change in our kids. We are going to need to get CREATIVE! Hopefully, you’ve figured out by now that kids are different. All of them. Between my four children and the numerous other children I have taught, I have seen everything from perfectionist to uninterested, compliant to defiant, thoughtful to manipulative, and calm to active. The list goes on and on and I certainly haven’t seen it all.
I need unique consequences for each of my kids and each situation will need some creativity. So let’s look at some creative ways to get to the heart of the matter and spur them towards that respect and obedience we so greatly desire as parents.
Table of Contents
Start with obedience
Before we can even get to the business of giving consequences for kids for wrong behavior, we need to set the stage for obedience. Our kids need to know exactly what is expected of them and why. They also need to understand the importance of obedience, consequences of disobedience, and how/why we have authority over them to begin with. With little ones, this knowledge can wait, but if your child is over the age of 5, it’s time to make sure he/she understand these things before giving out consequences.
If this isn’t something you’ve done with your kids, click on the image below for tips and ideas to get the conversation started.
Create simple rules
Rules should be few and simple. You can’t create a constitution full of detailed circumstances because your kids will indeed come up with a new behavior not covered. Instead, make 1-3 simple rules that encompass the atmosphere you want to create for your family.
They can’t be too difficult to remember or too vague that they include loopholes. For a long time, my rule was simply LOVE. Quite some time ago, my friend Lara introduced me to her version of this concept…Love Up and Love Out. First, we love God and serve Him. Second, we love others through our love for God. I’ve used that saying ever since. After all, love covers a multitude of sins and this rule really does covers every offense in my home.
I might ask: How are you showing love in this situation? Is there something that you could do to be more loving? When you didn’t pick up that shoe on the stairs, do you think you showed love and concern for the well-being of your family who might trip over it?
The Bible says that the greatest commandment is love. Teaching our kids to put this at the foundation of their choices reinforces this truth and it helps kids to understand the importance of obedience.
Get creative with your consequences for kids
As much as possible, I avoid terms like “time-out” and “restriction.” For the most part, I have found that a blanket consequence for kids is ineffective in molding hearts and changing behavior. This is where natural and logical consequences come in.
A natural consequence will be administered without mom’s help. For example, a child runs on the sidewalk, trips, and skins his knee. Natural consequence. Ouch.
A logical consequence for kids is closely related to the offense and is aimed at teaching responsibility for your actions. This consequence is administered by a calm and collected adult wishing to help children make wise choices. They aren’t one size fits all and don’t even need to be the same every single time. The idea is to find something that hurts enough to change the behavior, leaving a related memory for next time the child considers doing the same thing. For example, if you take away a party with friends because a child leaves his bike in the snow, it’s not directly related and may not be effective. If you take away the bike- now we’re talking.
Whenever possible, I include scripture with consequences, but don’t beat yourself up about this and don’t preach a sermon either. I find that the best faith-based discussions are done when kids are not in the thick of trouble. In the moment they are focused on the consequence, guilt, and pain. If you lecture, kids might get defensive and it will be wasted. Save it for a time when there is no conflict.
Before you give consequences to kids
It’s vital that we evaluate the situation objectively before giving our kids consequences. The more level-headed we can be, the more impact it will have on their hearts. I ask my self 4 questions before giving a consequence. In the video above, I detail these questions. Here is a short summary.
—> Is this a sin against God’s law or an inconvenience for me?
—> Is this foolishness or childishness?
—> Do I desire to look good right now?
—> Have I given my kids the grace I expect to be given to me?
If we honestly evaluate those questions and still feel the child needs a consequence, it’s pretty safe to say that it’s not being given in irrational anger. Again, watch the video above for a detailed look at what each question means.
Creative consequences for kids
If you can’t find your shoes, mom will help you find them, but there will be a finder’s fee.
If you can not behave kindly toward your family, mom will assume that you need some time to think about it and send you to another room to sit (usually the bed).
If you fight with your sibling, I will assume you have nothing better to do and give you a chore.
After you are sent into a room to clean up, I come behind and take the items that were left out. I assume that you no longer want these items and place them in “toy time out” for a week. (Mom could also donate the items, if this is a chronic problem.)
If you are tipping your chair back, I will assume that it is unsafe for you to use it and you will stand for the remainder of dinner.
If you do not have good table manners, you will be asked to dine elsewhere.
If you are too loud, whiny, or speaking unkindly, you will lose the freedom to speak. (Works really well in the car, too.)
If you can’t get ready for an activity on time, I will deduct that amount of time from the activity once we get there. (Remember not to punish mom or the siblings because of one child’s negligence.)
A few creative consequences for kids from my friends...
If they play around instead of getting ready for bed, we don’t have time for stories. ~Christy
The kids weren’t diligent to do their schoolwork today so there wasn’t time to go to the library. ~Debby
Somebody ate his treat without permission so he did not get his treat later when everyone else was eating theirs. ~Julie
If teachers offer incentives for extra work or even situations like AWANA, I don’t nag them…I let them feel what it’s like not to get the reward or fun prize. ~Tiana
You splash water out of the tub, you wipe it up (works for any mess). ~Leslie
If you don’t eat what mama cooks you’re gonna be hungry! ~Amy
The rule is: We pay for half your car. We own the bottom half. If you’re being irresponsible, our half (the one with the wheels) stays home, in the driveway. ~Pam
We’ve set a “start-getting-for-bed time” and a “lights-out-time.” If they get ready fast, they can use the remainder to read. If they play around getting ready for bed, they can’t… the lights out time doesn’t change. ~Josh
I also don’t cap markers that were left uncapped. Dried out markers are no fun. ~Leslie
A few ideas from Creative Correction by Lisa Whelchel…
About an hour before bed, have a whole house “clean sweep.” Set the timer for 15 minutes. For each item left out after the timer goes off, the kids go to bed 5 minutes earlier.
If you have forgotten to put away an item and it has been confiscated, you can buy it back for $1.00.
If a chore is not done diligently, have your child practice doing it over and over again. She will learn more from sweeping the floor 3-4 times because her first effort wasn’t done well.
If siblings can’t stop fighting, have them go the whole next day without the pleasure of each other’s company. They can’t talk, eat, play, or do school in the same room.
Creative consequences for kids printable
We’ve created a free printable to make it easier to think of consequences when you need them. Hang this free printable on your fridge or inside a cabinet as a quick reminder when you need it or as inspiration for other ideas.
To get your FREE creative consequences printable, enter your information below.
Further help with consequences for kids
God is always just. There will be a consequence. Even if it never becomes obvious to us. Teaching your children that lesson now reaps great benefits both spiritually and physically. If you heard anything at all in this post, I hope you heard that parenting is not a one-size-fits-all activity. Some of these ideas might not work. Some great ideas were not even listed here. And most importantly, no one is speaking badly about any parenting ideas. Here in the trenches, we need all the help we can get.
Mom, you rock. You are loved and treasured even with peanut butter in your hair. Keep doing this thing.
Need help thinking of a consequence for kids when you are mad? Read How to think of a Better Consequence When You are Mad
Need toddler ideas? Read Parenting the Toddler Years.
Get more obedience tips here —→ How to help kids obey
If you’d like to lead your child through a Bible study on obedience, I wrote Obey to help us as parents teach our kids the how and the why behind obedience. I pray it blesses you in your parenting journey!
More posts about obedience
- Pointing a Rebellious Child to God
- Is Kid’s Time Out Effective
- 5 Tips for Your Disobedient Child
- Teaching Your Child the Importance of Obedience
- How to Get Your Kids to Stay in Bed
- How to Teach Your Kids to Stop Interrupting
- When Your Child Embarrasses You in Public
- 3 Christian Discipline Questions to Ask Your Kids
- How to Limit Screentime and Get Your Kids to Obey
- How to Get Your Kids to Listen
Through practical tools & Bible-based resources, Kim Sorgius is dedicated to helping your family GROW in faith so you can be Not Consumed by life’s struggles. Author of popular kid’s devotional Bible studies and practical homeschooling tools, Kim has a master’s degree in education and curriculum design coupled with over 2 decades of experience working with kids and teens. Above all, her most treasured job is mother and homeschool teacher of four amazing kiddos.
Quick question about loosing the freedom to speak: How do you enforce that?
We have trouble in the car with yelling. Our solution was locking her window (she really likes having the independence of putting her window up and down on her own) for the remainder of the drive. It works most of the time…. But what does loosing the freedom to speak look like?
I have them put their hands over their mouth if they are little. Sometimes, I will stop the car and get out until the child calms down. Most kids don’t like to be in their alone, so this works well. (Of course, make sure the door/window is open if it’s hot.)
What about destructive behavior – wont stop drawing on walls cabinets etc… Spits on other kids toys. My idea is that they have to do what they did to other peoples property to their own property. Does anyone have better ideas?
I would have them work to replace the cost of the property.
For messing up other’s toys i would allow the owner of said toy to choose one of the perpetrator’s toys in exchange.
Cleaning up the mess they make is necessary always. They need to know how much work it is.
The offending child could give his/her toy in replacement of the one that was colored or spit upon. When we had children draw on walls, they had to clean it off the wall.
Spitting is a hot topic for our house! We bought inexpensive painter masks(like the cough masks that doctors wear.) If you spit, and spread your germs, you have to wear the “spitting mask” for 1 minute for every spit…the humidity of their own breath makes in pretty uncomfortable. For coloring on things, you have to do chores to earn money to buy Magic Erasers and wash the things you damaged. If it won’t wash off, you have to replace what you ruined either monetarily, or by allowing the other child to pick one of your toys to keep for themselves
Question:
How to help a child (9) who does everything fast which usually means not done correctly and a mess behind. He has repeatedly had to go back and clean the mess but it’s quite exhausting to check his work over and over. Any tips? He is a great kid with two other siblings and this is a big trip up for him. Any tips?
I’d start with considering the ‘reward’ he is rushing to get done and enjoy? What activity is it he wants to clear his day to get to? Link the consequences to that interest. Alternately, use that reward by offering more time to devote to that interest for work done neatly and correctly the 1st time. Feel free to email us via joy@notconsumed.com for more ideas.
I told her if she wants to have a pet of her own someday, she needs to show me she can be responsible. Responsible means only writing or coloring on paper or art projects.
My friend just shared a new one for this one – her parents rule was you had to spend at least 10-min playing with each pet (not including feeding/litter/care) daily. If you consistently did not, they just sold the pet. She lost her pony when she was at school! I thought this was great b/c it makes them realize how much more work each pet is. For the first one, you could see if she would follow-through with pretend chores for a stuffed animal for a few weeks first – or take care of one of another family members pet if you have one.
What if you don’t notice the drawing on the wall, etc. until a day or two after it happened? Is making them clean it up still as effective as if you have them clean up right after it happens?
As long as your child is over the age of 5, absolutely! They can still understand what they did and how the consequence relates to that.
I have an eight year old and a six year old. I’m having a hard time getting them to pay attention and listen the first time I talk, not the tenth. I’m drawing a blank on a suitable consequence (and thus the problem- there is no set rule).
When my daughter was young and she would not listen to me, I started speaking quieter and quieter. It seemed the softer my words became the quieter she became to have to listen. Of course some days I whispered the whole day long!
Really love the “own the bottom half” of the car rule. : )
How about an intense 9 year old who beats himself up and cries/screams when he doesn’t get to play the piano first or take the first bath (7 year old sister). ??
If the volume level gets too intense, we have him take it outside, but it’s winter in MN and he can keep this up for a long time. Also, he can choose to practice 15 min. of piano at any point in the day and he often takes care of this early. It’s when he realizes he hasn’t practiced later in the evening that he falls apart. I’m a sensitive person and the emotion/volume is so overwhelming.
My logical consequence for the intense 9-year-old who gets upset when he isn’t first: I guess he needs to practice putting others before himself. You could quote the verse about the first being last and the last being first. I would tell him that tomorrow, he will be taking the second bath and will have to wait until everyone else has practiced piano before he does. And if he continues to carry on crying, I would add another day for each warning I gave him.
Also sometimes when my sensitive 9-year-old is acting up, I consider his love language and make sure his little tank is full. “The 5 Love Languages” has been an amazing parenting tool, as he speaks a very different love language than I do.
: )
Thank you for all these great ideas!!
I cant wait to try them out.
I read them to my kids today and boy I wish I took a picture of their faces as I was reading the consequences.?
What about the teen who always has the sassy comeback? I am always wrong and she is always right ugh. She doesn’t have a car or her license yet, we live in the country so doesn’t hang out with friends, already has to earn her own money to pay for what she wants (single widowed mom who is broke). Aside from literally duct taping her mouth which I obviously wouldn’t do how do I get her to be respectful of me and her younger brother and not be so mean nonstop?
I’m sorry you are going through this difficult struggle. Unfortunately, teens are much more difficult to find answers for the struggles they can put themselves and families through. If you are in a good church family I would suggest talking to your youth pastor or another leader. I will pray that you can get some help and encouragement.
I’m sorry I didn’t see this sooner, I was on here looking for something for my grandson and found this blog. I have 5 children and the 10th grandchild will be here in June. When you have 5 you are playing the odds at having one or two that will be more difficult and disrespectful. My 2nd son was a difficult teen like the one above, Always arguing with me about everything and didn’t want to go with us anywhere and was not very nice to his siblings. I finally had had it and set him down to explain that somewhere along the line we had lost track of who really was in charge here. This is pretty much what I said to him word for word, and I did not have to repeat this talk to my other children, because they knew it applied to them as well. This is what I said. ” My son, I love you, but you seem to seem to be under the impression that you have some kind of power in this house that lets you get away with things that will not be tolerated any longer. You talk back to me and your Dad. You are mean to your brothers and sister. You don’t thing some of the rules of the house apply to you. This is where we need to set the record straight. I have ALL OF THE POWER! You have none. ALL(pointing to myself), none,(pointing to him). That old truck that you hate, but that you drive to school, it’s mine! I will take it away so fast your head will spin and you will ride, not the nice bike that I purchased for you, but a very cheep bike that I will go down and get from the thrift store, or you can take the bus, your choice. As your parent I have to legally do 3 things for you. Feed you, Clothe you, and have a place for you to sleep. I will strip this room of everything but a mattress and a pillow and a blanket. I don’t care if you bought anything with your money. This is my house, and when you have a house to put them in, then you can use them. I will choose 2 outfits for your to wear to school, and they will not be your favorites! You will wash one the day you are wearing the other, You will have a very bland boring cereal breakfast and whatever I make for dinner, No desserts, no snacks, No Ice Cream or going to the movies with the family. If you make the choice to continue with the behavior that you’ve been exhibiting, I WILL ENFORCE THIS! If you doubt me, you need to look into my eyes and see if you want to push me, because I assure you that you do not want to go down this road! We are done with this behavior and how it is affecting the rest of the family. I will let you think about this, but let me make myself very clear, ALL, ALL, ALL, NONE, NONE, NONE, So you think long and hard, because you have pushed me to this point and I will follow through. He was 16 and 6’3″ tall. I’m 5’7″ He came down in 5 minutes and said he understood, and no he wasn’t perfect, but he was 90% better. When he did act up, all I would say is are you headed down that road again, and that would make him re-think about what he was doing. It wasn’t easy, and I was fully prepared to do this. I know that we all want our children to Love us and we want them to be our best friends, but I wish someone had told me some of these things before my kids were almost grown. Your children do not need another friend, they need a parent who says NO, when it’s needed. Sometimes they are waiting for you to say it, because they know it means you love them. That son is 35 now, and there were things even as an Adult that he had to learn the hard way. 5 children all raised in the same house, and not any of them are the same. But he’s a hard working father of two that I’m very proud of. But I cannot stress enough follow through with your children. If you tell them you are going to punish them for something, if it’s a time out of a toy taken away, till they can work it off to get it back, the best thing you can do for them is to follow through and don’t cave in. Then they know how to work you and they are so much smarter than you realize.
This may sound terrible, just read all of it.. My best friends 12 yr old daughter was mouthy, bad.. so I used the same teqnique I use on my 9 yr old son and what a huge difference. When my son is talking back or just being hateful, I get a piece of paper towel or a cotton round, dip it in vinegar, have them stick out their tougne and rub the vinegar in firmly for a few seconds.. (had to wait the 12 yr old out for a min or two while sitting on the step behind with a clothes pin pinching her nose) she wanted to go back to what she was doing, but would not stick out tougne. Only clinched her teeth.. so we sat until she agreed. Anyway.. the vinegar tastes horrible.. u cannot even brush the taste out with toothpaste.. stays there a while.. SO WHEN CHILD COMPLAINS ABOUT HOW NASTY IT IS, AND THEY WILL – SIMPLY RESPOND WITH
“SO WAS THE WAY YOU WERE TALKING TO ME..”.
It was very effective for me .. I know it sounds a little harsh, but after a few doses, just reminding them that I have vinegar on hand , stops the backtalk.. and I made sure I kept a small water bottle with vinegar in it in my purse, my truck and my bat bag..Lol
My child would most likely just wait an entire 24 hours out, not sticking out her tongue and would just sit there with her arms crossed.
Hot sauce, and you can squeeze their mouth open to get it in. Hot sauce on the skin stings, so even if they shut their mouth too soon, they won’t like it.
I have an almost 5 year old boy who is constantly picking on his almost 2 year old brother. He pushes, shoves, trips, hits, etc. I know there is probably some jealousy and power issues. No matter how I address it, it doesn’t make a difference. Suggestions? Consequences?
Raising boys can be a tough job! Part of this behavior may just be a brother thing but one suggestion may be to encourage/point out/reward the times when he is kind and nice to his brother. Maybe a simple list of things he can do to show kindness to him and a point system to earn simple rewards- a sticker, extra time doing his favorite activity, time alone with mom or dad reading a book or playing a game, etc. Hopefully,over time he will learn that being kind is its own reward and find out his brother can be his friend.
Sit together, hold hands. Bond them together til the fake getting along to get away from each other .. worked for me and my older brother. Mom even took a pic.. I still say that was the worst punishment in the world every time I see that picture..?
I hate asking for advice about this because it makes me feel horrible but I am at a loss. My 4 year old used to be so good and would go to bed perfectly. But now the last 6 months she has done a 360. She will sit and stall and fight me the entire time. I have kept her on a good routine but now it’s “one more book,” “I’m hungry,” “I want to pick out my outfit,” etc. If I don’t let her do them then she will sit and scream and kick and act like I’m killing her and I’m not even touching her. She does have a two year old brother that I do not want to get woken up so that behavior isn’t okay with me. I’ve done research, I’ve tried to be calmer, I’ve tried to be more strict, nothing is work unless I give in. Then giving in just becomes horrible and makes her act horribly throughout the day. She’ll have tantrums throughout the day as well because I won’t let her do something. I just need help!
Low dose of over the counter melatonin.. you can even get them in strawberry quick dissolves.. 3 mg or something.. very mild .. twenty minutes before bed my son got 1/2 of his vitamin, and was perfect .. no drain the next day.. melatonin is the body’s natural sleep suppiment..
That won’t help with my situation and I’m not going to give my children a medicine just to get them to sleep. I’m not comfortable with that. Thank you for the thought though.
Rubbing lavender oil on her feet or maybe even a weighted blanket might help (it’s worked for my daughter). I feel your pain!
Put her to bed at the same time as the 2 year old. Tell her that when she throws a fit and disobeys you, she wakes him up. So she will have to go to bed at the same time as him.
That’s what I do. I put him to bed then go into her room and start her routine. Which will last up to two hours of her fighting me.
If she has her own room, tell her what is expected and walk out. Let her cry if she wants to. Not your problem. If you stay, fret, or try to do something she has an audience and it will only get worse.
I have two boys.. same problem with the older one. When u cave in to a kid’s tantrum, it only reinforces the behavior. They learn that crying gets them what they want so they’ll cry, even for the smallest things.
Recently, I have started being a bit firm with my boy. Won’t shout or argue to try to make him understand, I’ll simply leave the room saying that, ‘now that u’re crying, i’ll ensure that u won’t get what u want.’ And I never give in. There has been a lot of improvement. Also try to find out the reason of this behavior change.. There is got to be some reason behind it..
Your child just wants more time with you, so s/he is playing the ‘one more’ card. Try spending 10 minutes of one on one time, before bed, doing whatever s/he wants to do. Even if it’s just you watching.
There was a report on a family that went through the same thing. Their little girl changed almost overnight. She was sweet and loving before and after she would throw tantrums all the time. They found she had some type of virus or bacteria (can’t remember exactly) that changed her whole personality. It’s called panda. They said it started after she had gotten sick. Don’t know if that is what she would have, worth looking into if her behavior changed drastically in a short amount of time.
What about lying? Struggling witn a consequence. Is it just that now mom and dad don’t trust you? Pretty natural consequence I guess, but is that enough?
I was coming here to ask the same thing! <3 We are STRUGGLING with this in our house…
perhaps a lesson in trust might be a gentle solution? For instance, taking the child out to a fun breakfast place with the fam. Letting her order last so she hears everyone’s delicious choices maybe she’ll order chocolate chip pancakes etc…That’s when you as the parent will look at her in surprise and tell the waiter, “oh no, she means plain oatmeal.” The child will look at you confused and maybe say, “no i want chocolate chip pancakes.” Repeat the surprise and order her plain oatmeal and have the waiter walk away. This is when you can explain to her with a genuine tone and face that it is difficult for you and your spouse to believe her these days and with all the fibbing that has been going on. Make her eat ALL the oatmeal. Might be a gentle point to make but you and spouse doing little things like this frequently will get the message across. Food is a powerful tool. Jesus taught His greatest messages when he fed people right?
Me too! My daughter is 7 and keeps lying about food/snacks/candy that she is receiving at school and then hiding it and eating it secretly. We have many fun treats, that I approve of at home and frequently so I don’t feel she is being deprived or left out. She also is allowed treats from school/friends -we have boundaries in place but she has been ignoring them regularly and trying to lie about it. She’s received consequences- losing the privilege of getting the school breakfast once a week or with permission because she was getting it every day and would “ask” after she’d already gotten it three times that week without my knowing. She worked up such a bill we said no more purchases until February- but then was caught buying again TWICE more! We’ve discussed, read, written and recited scriptures. Spoke about scenarios about how trust is broken and the natural consequences of that. We’ve also sent her to her room (mostly because I needed time to think about what to do!! And I told her I need time to think about how we are going to handle another lie!) when we found her sneaking candy from school and when asked if she was eating it by two other people in the house she said no. I was thinking to have her sit out during fellowship time at church and stay with the adults rather than her friends but I’m not sure the punishment fits the crime- but I need something meaningful to her. Any other suggestions?
I mean how can we trust that she is telling the truth about wanting the pancakes with all the mistrust she is cultivating?
These are great pointers to help with intentional consequences!
I would like to ask your opinion… If your 9 year old is disrespectful to the babysitter by being mouthy or not even following through with the house rules given to the babysitter, would having your 9 year old doing some sort of service for the babysitter be an effective consequence in this area?
I think that’s a great idea!
When mine were little, this Creative Correction idea was great for dealing with kids who were angry with each other: I’d spray window cleaner on both sides of a window/glass door, hand each a paper towel, and have them ‘wash away’ their frustration with one another. The physical outlet was a great release for the frustration and they always ended up laughing. Right then was a great time to talk to them to try to get to the heart of the matter so that it wasn’t just a behavioral fix. In doing this, they had to use ‘I” statements in stating the problem they had been having. Making “I” statements requires that they own their own part in the conflict and prevents the blame that simply revs up the conflict again. It also helps each one see that they each played a part in some way, however small that may be.
I think stripping their bedroom of everything is child abuse, The bedroom is supposed to be a place for them to relax and unwind not a prison cell. They will probably just want to sleep on the couch because they will be devastated that their room is now empty. and is no longer theirs. It only results in short term obedience.
Our therapist and psychiatrist advised us to do this same exact thing. Strip their room of everything but the bed and dresser with only clothes in it. We got to that point with our adopted daughter. Also spoke with a SW and she agreed, do what you have to do. There are 3 requirements – provide food, clothing and shelter.
How about consequences for lying? My 11 yo has lied off and on for years, but lies at the drop of a hat now. Lies about calling brothers names, hitting them, unauthorized use of tv, computer, devices, etc. Obviously, the behaviors need consequences, but I’m at a loss for creative discipline for lying.
I think lying needs heart training over obedience. I’d consider doing a Bible study like Fruit of the Tongue. Or just sitting down together and going through the Bible to see what it says about lying.
I have (2) issues. My 13 year old son has a huge problem obeying and claims a lot he didn’t hear me tell him to do something. How do I handle this?
The more serious issue I know is a heart issue but besides taking away his computer/screen time what consequence should follow when he sneaks his computer at night when he already had his 3 hrs for that day? He gets 3 hours a night on the weekends to play mind craft with his church friends on a private server. I know the obvious is to lose his computer time and we have done this so many times for so many years I couldn’t count them all. This is such a big disobedience he has gone months without it but he always seems to go right back to sneaking it again which results in losing his privilege (computer time).?.?.?. What is wrong that he doesn’t get it? I am so frustrated and feel we need some parenting help!!
I would completely remove the computer if he can’t obey. As in, get rid of it. Do not give him any access to it at all. Maybe store at grandma’s house or sell it even. If he can’t obey, he doesn’t get privileges. A computer is a privilege. Leaving it in the house is creating opportunities for him to continue disobeying.
What do you do when the device was given as a gift…my kids respond, “You didnt give it to me, it was a gift, so you dont have the right to take it away.” I know it’s wrong, but I cannot find the words to explain that we as parents, do still have the right to take it away.
If your child took your car and ran over something, who would the police call? Not your child. YOU! Until your child is of age, you are responsible for them legally. It doesn’t matter if you buy something, it’s a gift, or even if they buy something. You are still the manager of everything your children own until they turn 18. I’d nip this in the bud now before they begin taking more control of you. If someone gave them a gun, you wouldn’t say, “well, it was a gift!” Haha. If the gift giver is someone who would be on your side, I’d have them chat with your kids about how you have the authority to make sure they are using it responsibly. Not because you need it, but because it will reinforce your authority all the more. If you need Biblical backup, Ephesians 6:1 is pretty clear on where your kids stand. 🙂 There are many other verses that talk about your role to maintain authority and order in your home.
Any ideas for a ten year old who sneaks food he is told not to eat? Like if I even have ingredients on hand to bake something he will go sneak them early in the morning before Im awake and use the excuse that he forgot or I was hungry. There’s plenty of food available for him so that’s not it and I will explicitly tell him don’t eat this and explain the harm he is doing to his body by eating a bunch of sugar plus he is overweight already. This has become a chronic issue for us. I have talked to him many times about obedience, removed his most prized possessions, and nothing works.
I would not have unhealthy food in the house at all! Teach him by example that we don’t make those food choices. If you really need ingredients for something special, tell him clearly. Then have him work to pay for the ingredients he ate without permission. (Pick an awful job- like pulling weeds or cleaning toilets!)
How do you handle when a child is angry at his sibling (and the sibling is totally innocent in the situation) and throws things at the sibling, screams at him (and you), and has a tantrum … all while in public?
Many times we’ve learned with our middle son that if we ignore the tantrum, he stops almost immediately. However, ignoring in a public situation seems a little more difficult. Thoughts and or suggestions?
It’s really helpful to think through these things in advance! What types of problems arise when you’re at the store and how will you handle those issues? Talk to your kids about this and let them know what you expect of them and why. When you’re at the store, be proactive! Give your child a job or something to help them keep their focus in the right place. If you notice a problem beginning to arise, get their attention and remind them of the right way to behave. Explain beforehand what consequences you have decided on and then follow through on that as needed.
Star@NotConsumed
One of my most successful tools for tattling is when they run into the room yelling MOM! I remind them “kindness first and then come get help if they do not listen” if they say “I did!” Then I get the children involved and ask how they used kindness to solve the problem (the other kid won’t let them fib) a lot of times they didn’t use Real kindness and I tell them I can help them figure it out after they use their kindness. If the child DID use kindness I jump right into the problem to help reconcile and rectify the situation. I want my kids to see that even when others aren’t listening well they should always seek to solve the issue with kindness.
I have a tool for bossy kiddos. When we see someone being bossy (to kids or adults) we say “You are telling, not asking” The idea is that they may ask respectful questions, but they may not tell other people what to say and do. Often with children I like to encourage them to let other kids play “their way” too because they have ideas that you never thought of before! Also if it is a habitual and persistent issue our consequence is “if you boss them around then you are not thinking about them, you are only thinking of yourself so for the next 5 minutes they get to tell you what to do and say” Then I have to make sure our new boss is being reasonable while the other child is learning what it feels like when they can’t play the way they want to.
For fussy eaters I try to serve one potion of something that I think that they will like and our rule is “you get what you get and don’t throw a fit” I don’t insist that they eat, take a certian number of bites or clear their plates. They get what is served if they don’t want to eat, they don’t eat. I do however have a rule that we must try new food. I think that my kids have gotten much braver about food because I don’t make them eat foods that they don’t like. But if they ever refuse to taste a bite (reasonable sized to make sure they got a good taste) they will sit at the table until they do; because, despite their insistence that eating one bite is TORTURE, I know that I’m giving them something good to try. If they will not make an effort to have one small bite of food, then they are the ones being unreasonable, not me. Also if for some reason they are able to get away from the table without eating the new item, then next meal the item that I know they would like is not given at meal time. (By then they may be hungry enough to eat the other stuff anyway) this way the consequence gets a good opportunity to sink in. After all I only require them to try ONE bite of “new” foods when they are served and now we have a lot less conflict at meals.
When toddlers play by dumping out boxes of toys then everything stops for that child and they are required to clean the box before they play again. “Uh oh, that’s a big mess we better pick up” I show them how and if they start fitting, I use their hands to put the toys gently back into the bin. Once clean I say “boy! That was a lot of work! We take toys out, No dumping. If we make a mess we have to stop and clean. Play time!” Then I turn them towards the fun and walk away if they are still fitting….sometimes they dump another box to test the boundary but I simply repeat. The child must stop playing until the work is done. If the child isn’t fitting, but instead begins playing next to the mess I say “Look at this mess. Its work time not playtime. And if need be I take their hand with the toy and put it into the box for them and help them get started again. This one can take a bit of work, but I have corrected it many times with children as young as 2.
Kim! So very helpful. Thank you so much – WHAT a blessing you are 🙂 Keep up the good work for Him 🙂
Is this still available as a free printable? I’m trying to sign up and it isn’t going through.
Hi Michelle,
I just resent that request for you. Please email us at joy@notconsumed.com if you are still having trouble!
My 4 year old goes to day care He has been going for 2 years about 2 weeks ago he started refusing to obey his teacher. He tells her no for just about everything, runs away when she is talking to him , started hitting his friends if he does not get his way . I hade to pick him up 2 time this week bring him to work with me. i have talked to him . we talked about if he has a good day he receives something special . If he does no obey his teacher he will get one thing that he like taken away. I have nothing left to take away. ii don’t know what else to do . We are Christians and we do go to church every Sunday and we do a short devotion in the morning and pray right before I drop him off.